Posted by Dancer repost for Xander on February 24, 2001 at 13:21:10:
Dancer and the Curse of the Bodice Rippers Romance Week Special [The scene: Frustratingly for our male readers, we start our story just AFTER Dancer has finished a long, steamy, soapy shower and is now wrapped in a big old fluffy dressing gown and settling down to watch some late-night TV after a long day battling crime and waitressing.] Sarah Shepherdson: I wonder what is on TV? [Clicks remote control. TV shows desolate windswept heath with woman in thin linen blouse heaving her busom] Sorceress: Heathcliff! Hatman: Whitney! Sorceress: Jay! Thin linen blouse: Riiip!!! Sarah: This is odd. I wonder why Whitney and Jay are doing late night theatre…? And so very… enthusiastically… [Clicks remote control. TV shows film noir police interrogation room complete with horizontal slats lighting effect] Goldeneyed: Alright, why don’t you tell us what you were doing the night the guy was murdered, lady? Messenger: [says nothing but looks mean and moody as usual] Sarah: Why is Lisette being grilled in a police interrogation? Why is she wearing that short tight white dress? Why is she uncrossing her legs like that? [*Click* Now TV shows windswept heath again] Troia: Heathcliff?? ManMan: Troia! Troia: Joe! Thin linen blouse: Riiip!!! Knifey: Sorry, I just slipped. Troia: My best blouse! [sound of spear thrusting into gonads] Sarah: Eew! Well, they won’t be calling him ManMan any more. [*Click* to scene of Ziles running along beach in slow motion to tune of Ravel’s Bolero, then to soft-lit bedroom scene] Ziles (hammering on wardrobe door): You’re going to have to come out of there sometime, Finny! Sarah: Not even if you keep this going for a long-running weekly series i.m.o. [*Click* back to blasted heath] Miss Framlicker: Heathcliff! Nats: Miss Framlicker! Miss Framlicker: Nats! Nats: Yes…? Miss Framlicker: Deliver these packages. Nats: Sigh. Sarah: There must be something better on than this. [*Click* TV plays cheesy game show theme tune and host prances down the aisle to introduce the first contestant] Announcer: And now here’s our host, the big cheese with the sleaze! Let’s hear it for Roni Y Avis! [Canned applause] Roni Y Avis: Thanks, folks. And now let’s have a big hand for our first contestant, that hunky superhero, Exile! Game show audience: More mindless applause and hooting on cue. Roni: Now Exy, you know the rules. You get to ask each mystery date one question, then you pick your dream girl for a fabulous night out – and maybe even a night in if you’re lucky! What’s your question? Exile: How did I get here? Roni: if you don’t know that, you’re not likely to know what to do on a night in with your dream date anyway. Exile: No! That’s not the question. The question is, uh, it’s what would a night out with you be like? Mystery Date 1: It’d be a scream. Non-stop action. A killer. Mystery Date 2: It all depends on what you want to do. Could be good, could be bad. Mystery Date 3: I’d be the biggest love of your life, and you’d never forget me. Roni: And your choice, Exile? Who’s the lucky girl you might get lucky with? Exile: Well… I guess I’d go with number three. Sarah: Ooh, not sure, Exy. Sounded a bit needy to me. Well, let’s see. They always show you what you’ve missed on these shows. Roni: Okay, let’s meet the girls. Date number one, c’mon out! Mystery Date 1: Hello Exile. Looks like I don’t get to kill you and steal your power after all. Exile: Suicide Blonde! Man, that was a close call! Roni: Because she’s a psychopathic and insanely powerful super-villainess who wants you dead? Exile: Nah, ‘cause she’s my cousin, and dating her would be too much like Space Ghost’s secret origin. Game Show Host: Number two, c’mon out! Valeria of Carfax: Hello, Rick. I hope you have a nice time on your date. Exile: Valeria! But, I thought you’d be number three! Roni Y Avis: Nope! Your dream date, girl number three, your biggest love, is of course… [Mystery dare 3 comes out] Exile: Noooooooo! Enormous Irma!!!! Aaaaggghhhh!!! Enormous Irma: *smooch!* Roni: Join us after the break when Cobra will be choosing between CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Rape Ape, or anaesthetic-free dental root surgery… Sarah: Ouch! But something very strange is going on with my TV… [*Clicks* remote again, back to windswept heath] Lisa: Donar! ….. Lisa: Donar? ….. Lisa: Damn. Oh, alright then. Heathcliff? US Marine Corps, in unison: Lisa! Thin linen blouse: Riiip! US Marine Corps: We have got to get stronger shirts when we date Lisa. Sarah: That does it. There is something very, very weird going on. Why are all our superheroes appearing in these weird TV programmes? What are the viewing figures? And why are the camera-angles all so low, as if the whole thing was being filmed by a strange, deformed hunchback? Sarah: Unless… [And back on that lonely heath…] Natalia Romanca: Healthcliff! Trickshot: Natalia! Natalia: [*Blam! Blam! Blam!*] Oops! Sorry Tricky. I was expecting someone else. [Meanwhile, in spooky Herringcarp Asylum, home of the dastardly Hooded Hood, where the dastardly Hooded Hood is involved in another complicated multi-part plot to take over the multiverse…] Dastardly Hooded Hood: All goes according to plan, following up a sub-plot I slipped in about sixty chapters back. Soon I shall rule the world. Dancer: Ah, there you are. So I was right in deducing that you are behind the retconning of all our heroes into TV romance and soap operas. DHH: Of course, my dear! I was especially proud of the bit where Trickshot had to donate both his kidneys to save his two cloned wives-of-his-previous-reality-self. Real pathos there, I thought. Dancer: But why? DHH: Well, back in Untold Tales #2 I’m sure you remember how I… Dancer: Never mind. Shall we just assume that any bits of continuity I screw up will get sorted out in an upcoming storyline, and that it is all incredibly devious and has about nineteen different motives? [Hooded Hood sulks] Dancer: But my probability-dancing powers saved me and now I am the last superhero free to stop you from using Romance Week to destroy the heroes of the Parodyverse. Hood: And how do you propose to fight me, my dear? I know grammar and elocution. Dancer: Well, I know you’ll be prepared to retcon anything I try with my powers, and you did arrange for me to get them anyway in an as-yet-unrevealed subplot, but this is Romance Week, so there IS one method that might just work. [Sound of bodice ripping] HH: Urk! [Later…] Visionary: So, everyone is saved from that weird stuff the Hood got us into. [Shudders] I’ll never forget that weird dream where Cheryl was a busty false redhead and Tina and Enty lived next door and spiffy and Lania were our kids and I worked in a shoe store… [puts one hand down pants] Dancer: It is all over now, Vizh. Vizh: But how did you manage to distract the Hooded Hood long enough for reality to snap back to normal? Dancer: Um, well, since you think I’m a Lisa apprentice already it is probably best not to go into that any further. Let’s just say that every time ol’ Hoody went for a replay, so did I. Happy Romance Week, Parodyverse! Parodyverse: Happy Romance Week, Dancer! …. …. …. Dark Knight: Is it safe to come out now?