207.140.138.195 writes:

Dancer #1

The scene: Paradiopolis First Bank, where some robbers are just pointing guns at the cashiers and inviting them to hand over the cash.

Robber 1: And make it snappy.

Robber 2: I nearly got the explosives ready on the vault door.

Robber 3: Hey, this bank clerk’s got chocolate fudge cake in his lunchbox.

Bank clerk whose chocolate fudge cake have just been eaten: You fiend!

Dancer: Hold it there, felons! Don’t make me whup your asses.

Robber 1: Whoozat?

Robber 2: I dunno. Some chick in a danskin.

Robber 3 with mouth full: Wmmpmmwwwppmh!

Dancer: I’m a superhero, so you’d better surrender.

Robber 1: A superhero? Superheroes don’t stop bank robberies any more. Bank robberies are passé.

Robber 2: Yeah, you got to fight cosmic menaces and elder demons and stuff.

Robber 3: Mwwwmmmphhh!

Dancer: Well this superhero stops bank robberies.

Bank Clerk: And cookie snatching!

Dancer: Er, yes, that too. So are you coming quietly?

Robber 1: No. I think I’ll just shoot you instead. Take tha…

Dancer, who has just dropped Robber 1 with a high kick and pirouette: Now are you coming quietly?

Robber 3: Nah! I’ll kill you as soon as * cough * I get this * cough * blasted cake out of my * cough choke *

Dancer leaps across and performs Heimlich manoeuvre whilst dislocating robber 3’s back.

Robber 2: Aha! You think you have won, but I have the detonator for the vault door explosives. One move and I’ll blow us all sky high.

Dancer: You clearly don’t know about my super-power then.

Robber 2, nervously: What super-power?

Dancer: Why, twisting probabilities of course. Did you think it was just coincidence that your fellow felon choked on chocolate fudge cake at that exact moment?

Robber 2: Well, yes.

Dancer: Well it wasn’t. Now surrender felon before I do something improbable to you.

Robber 2 pushing detonator: Hah! You’ll never take me alive! Top of the world, ma!

Dancer: The sound you are not hearing is the sound of your explosives going off. By some wild twist of fate every one of your detonators has proved to be faulty, except the unused one in your pocket which has just caught fire. I am now going to render you unconscious for humanitarian reasons. There.

Bank clerk: You saved us all, but it is too late for my chocolate fudge cake.

Dancer: We live in a violent world, where no confectionery is safe. I vow to do what I can to battle injustice everywhere, so that one day men will be free to eat whatever food they want without fear of having it scoffed by those who scoff at the law.

People in bank: Hooray!

Dancer: And now if somebody could direct me to the cashpoint…



Dancer