195.44.143.134 writes:

[The story so far: Wickedy Baron Zemo (boo!) has blackmailed poor heroic Dancer (yay!) into helping him get to the Nexus of Unrealities (huh?) where he can change history (wow!) and prevent his frozen wife from ever having been shot by an assassin and have to be cryogenically suspended (aaw!)]

[The scene: The Nexus of Unreality. Zemo and Dancer are confronted by two mysterious and spooky beings]

Dancer: Zemo! Look out! Two spooky and mysterious beings!

Baron Zemo: Hah! I know those spooky and mysterious beings. They are the Chronicler of Stories und the Shaper of Worlds.

Dancer (tries to remember her BZL history lessons): So Chronicler is the Dark Knight’s secret identity, right, and Shaper is Carrington after he turned into a woman?

Shaper of Worlds: Not at all. That would be ridiculous. I am Jarvis’ dead girlfriend murdered by his first wife before his second wife became widowed, returned as Jury and later as the Shaper of Worlds after the last, but by no means first, Shaper of Worlds, the one caused by the merging of the Man Who Wasn’t There with the Man Who Definitely Was There, vanished in an as-yet-to-be-explained manner leaving a cosmic void to be filled by someone who could understand this kind of stuff.

Dancer: …..

Chronicler of Stories: Whereas I started out as the man who became a superhero called Dark Knight but didn’t really become the Dark Knight until the Crying Clown murdered my wife, and then went on to become the Chronicler of Stories for a while before leaving a simulacrum of myself to be Chronicler while I was reincarnated as the Dark Knight again growing up as the childhood schoolfriend of Fin Fang Foom’s human identity before reclaiming the mantle of Chronicler while still remaining Dark Knight for reasons also never properly explained but we are separate entities honest.

Dancer: …..

Zemo: It matters not. They cannot interfere mit us. We came here by one of the legitimate routes.

Dancer: I thought Carrington becoming a woman made more sense than all that, actually.

Shaper: No, listen carefully. I am Jarvis’ dead girlfriend murdered by his first wife before his second wife…

Dancer: Shut up! I can’t comprehend these big cosmic truths! They’re too much for my mortal brain!

Chronicler: We cannot stop you physically, but we can advise you to turn back Zemo. This isn’t the way to bring about Heike’s return.

Zemo: Nothing shall stop me now!!!

Dancer: So wait a minute. I thought DK’s enemy was the Crime Clown?

Chronicler (getting irritated): No. It’s the Crying Clown. And he eats livers.

Dancer: Well, they do contain a fair amount of nutritious and important parts of the human diet.

Shaper: Never mind livers! Livers are not important. We have come to…

Zemo: Livers are too important. Without them, der human body would…

Chronicler: Never mind the biology lessons. All we need to know about biology is that sex is bad. We actually came to say…

Dancer: If you’re finding sex bad, there are a number of books and videos which could improve your technique. I could probably get a list for you?

Chronicler (shying away): No! No books and videos. No sex!

Shaper: Never mind that stuff. Listen, You’ve brought Zemo to a place where all kinds of strands of the Parodyverse come together. Zemo could cause immense trouble here! He could conquer the world!

Zemo: I am only here to bring mine little Heike back from being frozen mit der… did you say… conquer the world?

Dancer: Oh, way to give the archvillain bad ideas, Shapette!

Shaper: Er…

Dancer: I liked you better when you were Carrington, anyway.

Zemo: Yes, it all makes sense now. With a few tugs on these shining threads of causality I can eradicate the Lair Legion forever. I can be master of der universe!

Chronicler: No! The damage you could cause the timelines might be irreparable. All sorts of nonsense might happen! Pointless appearances of Frank Sinatra! Bizarre alterniverses where you and Exile take up board space with stream-of-consciousness rambling narratives! Don’t do it!

Dancer: Remember what you came here for, Heinrich. Do the right thing and get Heike back. Then you can stop being a villain, settle down with your Countess, and set up that little 50’s movie shrine you talked to me about, ‘kay?

Zemo: But… to rule der world…

Dancer: Don’t make me have to stop you, Zemo.

Zemo: You? Stop a Zemo from ruling der world? Hah! I haff already prepared this device to stop your powers working on me! As if you could prevent Baron Zemo from attaining his true destiny. [Reaches for the strands that control the Parodyverse] Behold!

[There is a sound like the multiverse farting. Zemo vanishes.]

Shaper: What? What happened?

Dancer: I used my probability powers, which are of course especially strong here. Zemo accidentally prevented his grandfather from ever meeting his grandmother, so he could never be here to prevent his grandfather meeting his grandmother, so he could have been here to do all of it again.

Shaper: …..

Dancer: Basically, Zemo got sent home and never started on this quest. And he’s forgotten who I really am, so he can’t blackmail me into joining his scourge – although The Late Great Donald Blake was pretty cute.

Chronicler: And Zemo really is a true bastard now. All is as it should be. You were successful, Probability Dancer.

Dancer: Almost. I didn’t fix Carrington to be Shaper of Worlds again. Oh well.

Shaper: …..

Chronicler: Fine. We’ll be seeing you home as well now, then.

Dancer: Thanks. When we get back to the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar I’ll pour you the best cup of mocha cappuccino you ever tasted in your immortal life.

Chronicler: Urk! Coffee… but from woman… but coffee… but from woman… but coffee…

[The end]


And Dancer better get more replies to this one than the last story she slaved over, you miserable lot!!!