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Dancer #15 Monday, 24-Jul-2000 19:10:03
[The scene is the fabulous and glitzy Revolving Restaurant atop the Twin Parody Tower, where Sarah Shepherdson is earning a little bit of extra money temping as a waitress so she can donate something to the St Jude’s Orphanage appeal. There is something of a commotion by the door] ManMan: What do you mean you don’t have seats reserved for when superheroes want to dine here? What kind of place is this? Snooty Maitre D: It is the kind of place where Elvis costumes are not considered suitable substitutes for dinner jackets, sir. ManMan: What? Superhero costumes are considered like dress uniforms in all superhero universes! People go to weddings and funerals and bar-mitzvahs in them. Even circumcisions! [Points to Troia 215] She’s wearing her superhero outfit! You’re not complaining about her costume. [Troia is in fact wearing her Amazon shift, a rather nifty little white mini-dress number which is actually attracting quite a few admiring glances. This is because it does not have fake rhinestones on it or a five-inch deep belt with buffalo horns.] Knifey, ManMan’s talking knife: Next thing you know they’re going to ask you to pay for the meal as well. ManMan: Naah! Superheroes always eat for free. Er, right? Snooty Maitre D: Wrong. Troia: I knew it. We’re going to end up at a burger joint again. At least when Donar took me out we went to the Revels of Ausgard. ManMan: Don’t worry, honey. This guy’s gotta recognise that we’re the people who saved his keister again and again after hundred of supervillain attacks and alien invasions and stuff. Snooty Maitre D: *sniffs* I do recall that before superheroes arrived in Paradopolis there were two Twin Parody Towers ManMan: C’mon! I know Mayor spiffy of Gothametropolis and stuff. He’s Troia’s brother! Troia: Shh! You don’t have to tell people! Snooty Maitre D: Mayor spiffy is banned from this establishment, ever since the occasion where Governor Rape Ape mistook him for the salad bar *shudders* Sarah: Um, sir, I think there is a spare table over by the kitchen. I could easily make it ready for them. Snooty Maitre D: I’ll thank you to speak when spoken to, Miss Shepherdson, and not to interfere with… [pauses-mid snoot as there is an ominous ripping sound from his pants bottom seam] Excuse me. Troia: Hiya Shep. What are you doing here? This is a long way up from the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar. Sarah: This way. I am making some extra money for the orphans. The rummage sale did not go too well, I’m afraid. ManMan: What happened? Sarah (apologetically): Well, the guy who bought those boots Troia donated sued when he accidentally triggered the high-heel-size-changing telepathic cybernetic feature. Sorry. ManMan: The what? Troia: It was one of Finny’s tactical ideas. He had NTU-150 design these retractable high-heels for everybody. Sarah, curiously: Even Donar? Troia: Only the girls, Shep. Yo only got one retractable high-heeled boot. Anyway, I just took the first chance I had to get rid of them. Sorry. ManMan: Cybernetic *chortle* telepathic *snort* retractable *hmph* high-heels??? Bwa-ha-hah! Troia: At least he didn’t make us wear Elvis costumes. Sarah: Here is your table. I’ll go get you some menus, okay. [Shep, being a soppy romantic, makes sure a rather nice candlelight dinner gets sorted out for her friends – who of course don’t know that she is secretly the Probability Dancer. Sarah thinks Manny and Troia make rather a nice couple, and is just planning the catering and dance programme for their wedding when the super-villain attacks] Attacking super-villain: Do not move, sinners! I have come to cleanse this city of its sinful filth, of its laviscious fornications and illegal copulating! Paradiopolis: Aaw! Troia: Finny? ManMan: DK? Attacking super-villain, throwing back his cape and donning his mitre: I am… Holy Wedlock! And I have the power to compel people to get married! Troia: Urk. ManMan: Aagh! Holy Wedlock: Super-heroes! And fornicating sinful superheroes at that! You shall feel my power! Troia: Hey, we’re NOT fornicating. Joe can’t even undo my bra-strap ‘cause it’s too complicated for him. ManMan: How was I to know the catch was at the back? Anyway, you tried to spear me when I tried! Knifey: *chuckles* Well that’s what you were planning for her, wasn’t it? ManMan: Shutupshutupshutup! Holy Wedlock: I began my crusade here in this debauched expensive restaurant where so many illicit liaisons take place to send a message to the world. What better message than to show them the marriage of two sin-soaked superheroes? [Uses matrimony power on ManMan and Troia] ManMan: Troia, darling, will you marry me and make me the happiest man in the world? Troia: Joe, of course! Let’s do it right away, my hunkums! I cannot wait to me Mrs ManMan. Sarah: Wouldn’t that be Mrs ManWoman? [Holy Wedlock takes out State of ParadiopolisSpecial License for Weddings, opens book, and begins short-version ceremony] Holy Wedlock: Male fornicator, do you take this lewd and corrupt female to be your lawfully wedded wife? Harlot festooned in the sins of the flesh, do you take this raddled voluptuary to be your lawfully wedded husband? Troia and ManMan: We do. Knifey: hey, does this mean that I get to cut the wedding cake? Holy Wedlock: Then by the power vested in me, I now proclaim you man and… Dancer (making a late but dramatically important appearance): Hold it there, Holy Wedlock! You have missed out the part where you ask if there are any objections! Holy Wedlock: Another superhero. And one in lewd, body-hugging poly-lycra danskin at that. Agh! Dancer: Just be glad I remembered to put it on before leaping to the rescue this time. Let those people go, Wedlock. They have to choose to make this kind of commitment in their own time, in their own fumbling inexperienced but ultimately sweet way. Holy Wedlock: Whore of Babylon! My matrimony powers will make short work of you too. [Wedlock uses matrimony powers on Dancer. Dancer uses probability powers at the same time.] Holy Wedlock: Agh! Dancer, you flesh-baring harlot-strutting temptress, will you marry me? Dancer: Of course I will, because my probability powers have reflected part of your matrimony power back to affect you too. So either give up and turn your powers off or be forced to get hitched, kiddo. And I’ve got to tell you it’ll be an active wedding night. Holy Wedlock: Aaaaaaagggggghhhh! Alright! I surrender, dammit. Take me away! I’ll go quietly. Put me in a nice quiet cell. Just don’t make me… kiss the bride. Dancer: My work here is done. Have a nice dinner, Troia and Manny, and don’t forget to tip the waitress. Troia: Bye Dancer [notices she is holding the table arrangement clutched to her chest] Gaaah! ManMan: Yeah, thanks, Dancer. You were a lot more help than Knifey here was. Knifey: I just thought this was about the only way you would actually get into Troia’s pants. Sarah (back as waitress now the mission is over): And what would you two folks like to have for desert? Encouraged by your tremendous response last time, Dancer now offers this libellous piece |
| Dancer #15 (Encouraged by your tremendous response last time, Dancer now offers this libellous piece) (24-Jul-2000 19:10:03) |