Dancer # whatever the hell we're up to, somewhere in the teens I think but only Xander and Vizh are keeping count

Posted by Dancer on August 24, 2000 at 14:05:02:

[The scene is the Lisa Waltz Memorial Sailors’ Mission down at the Paradiopolis docks, where soup and biscotti (well, Mr Papadopopolis baked too many for the Bean and Diner Coffee bar today) are being served to down on their luck seamen. Volunteering behind the counter we find Sarah Shepherdson, who is secretly the Probability Dancer.]

Down on his luck seaman: God bless you miss.

Sarah: Thank you, Joe. Next please? Would you like your soup with or without biscotti?

Embarrassed looking next person in line: Er, actually I was here about the job.

Sarah: Job? You mean to volunteer to help?

Embarrassed looking person: No, this job, here in the employment section of the Daily Trombone.

Next person in line after embarrassed looking person: Could you get a move on please? Some of us are waiting for our biscotti.

Person in line right behind next person in line: Ah, biscotti’s okay, but I like it best when she brings the profiteroles.

Dopey looking jaundiced chap drooling in line after them: Mmmmmm. Profiteroles.

Embarrassed looking person holding up the queue: Will you all shut up. I’m making a major career move here. So about this job.

Sarah: Let me see the ad. [Reads] "Archenemy Wanted. Superhero requires evil nemesis to plot world downfall and the destruction of all that is good. Wicked laugh essential. Knowledge of death-traps and own henchmen an advantage. Apply tonight, Sailors’ Mission. Ask for Dancer."

Embarrassed looking person: See? I’m here for the job. Where is Dancer?

Sarah (thinks): But I did not put this advertisement in the paper. Who would be so wicked as to use my name without my permission in such a villainous way? Such a thing is unheard of! And what can they hope to achieve?

Next person in line: So you want a new career huh? How about being a hospital patient? Some of us are waiting for our biscotti here.

Person next in line after him: Although we would prefer profiteroles.

Embarrassed job seeking person holding up queue (throwing off coat to reveal lurid orange and purple uniform): Take your best shot, fools! You cannot hope to match the power of… Zingy Banter, Master of the Quips of Death!

Next person in line: Oh yeah, Well you’re gonna need surgery to remove biscotti from where I’m gonna…

Sarah: Boys! Please! Remember the rules! Nobody hospitalises anyone, or no more profiteroles.

Everyone there: Yes, Sarah. Sorry.

Sarah: And as for you, Zingy, if you’re really hoping to make it as a supervillain I hope you won’t mind a little constructive criticism to help with the interview?

Zingy Banter: Er, I suppose not.

Sarah: Great! Well, for starters, orange and purple are NOT your colours. And if you intend to keep that skin-tight spandex look I’d better give you some daily exercises to deal with those love-handles you’re developing.

Zingy Banter: I am just big boned, that’s all.

Sarah: Also, you might want to watch that third person introduction stuff. It works if you can do the dramatic pause, like Doctor Doom or the Hooded Hood, but otherwise you come across like a Chris Clairmont character when Chris is having a bad writing day, and the next thing you know you’ll be telling everyone that you’re the best there is at what you do. What do you do, as a matter of interest, super-power-wise.

Zingy Banter: Well, I throw one-liners at people, charged with kinetic energy…

Sarah: Hmm, well, I guess even a slightly sucky superpower is better than none at all. What sort of evil things have you done?

Zingy Banter: Well, I’m sort of working my way up to ultimate evil, but I’ve grabbed a few purses from grannies in my time.

Sarah: Hmm. That is not nice. Do you have any special weaknesses that would make you vulnerable to superheroes?

Zingy Banter: Well, I’m lactose intolerant, but other than that I’m pretty much unstoppable. Now where is Dancer. I need this job.

Sarah: I think she might be in the storeroom. I’ll just go check.

Next but one sailor in queue: See if there’s any profiteroles while you’re in there, willya?

Sarah: Will do, Billy.

[Shep goes into the storeroom. Dancer comes out.]

Sailor 1: It is Dancer!

Sailor 2: Does she have profiteroles?

Zingy Banter: Dancer! I have come to be your archenemy and gring you into the dirt!

Dancer: Really? Nice to meet you. Have a glass of milk. [throws milk over supervillain]

Zingy Banter: Aaagh! My allergies! Ah-choo! I’m coming out in a rash, you know! Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Sailor 1 clubs Zingy banter on the head and throws him to one side: Don’t tell Sarah, will you, Dancer? But we are really ready for our biscotti.

Dancer: I promise not to mention it. But I wonder who placed that strange advert?

(On cue, the far wall of the mission explodes and the real villain(ess) of the piece enters with her superteam)

Real villain(ess) of the piece: Tremble in fear, little Probability Dancer, for now you face your true enemy, and none of your tricks of chance can save you from… Magenta St Evil!

Dancer: now that is how you do a dramatic pause.

Magenta St Evil: And now the battle begins!