Posted by Dancer still doesn't like this name first bit on these forms. on February 21, 2001 at 11:44:12:
Kurt Busiek-style News Broadcaster bringing readers up to date on what’s happening: And in late-breaking news we have reports of a group of pre-school superheroes cracking down on crime in the playground.. Early accounts suggest that miniature versions of the Lair Legion are at Paradiopolis First School tackling bullying, milk-money racketeering, and school lunches. Tiffany McBallintire is at the scene. Tiffany? Tiffany McB: *giggle* I only got this job cause I slept with the producer. Oh, we’re on? Hi. I’m, um… Prompt off Camera: Tiffany McBallintire. Tiffany McB: …Tiffany McBallintire, and I’m here at Paradiopolis First School where the tot titans are… eeek! There’s a neon green and orange baby looking up my skirt! Get it off! Get it off me! [CrazySugarFreakBaby does as he is told, and pulls her skirt off on national television. His Pulitzer is in the post.] Kurt-Busiek Style Anchorwoman back at the Studio: Er, thank you Tiffany for that incisive eyewitness account, and, um, the demonstration of why it is so important to remember to wear underwear in live broadcasting. Well, reports from other, er, clothed people at the scene indicate that L’il Dark Knight and L’il Troia have tackled some guy name Chronic who was peddling to the schoolkids and have stuffed him in a locker. Patronising Male Anchorman: Thanks, Muffy. We have in the studio with us the leader of the [checks card) cutting edge radical superteam breaking fresh ground that tired of groups like the Lair Legion fear to tackle, E-Male of the New Battlers. [E-Male raises his middle finger to the camera.] KBSAbatS: So, Mr E-Male, does this mean that the New Battlers aren’t the new wave anymore? How do you view the kiddie champions? E-Male: We will pound them into the ground! I personally will rip out the heart of their leader L’il Lizard and parade his head through the streets on a stick. Metaphorically, of course. KBSAbatS: So, er, you don’t see them as cure, and a good thing? E-Male: Even now the New Battlers are moving to intercept them. When we catch them we will… [station censorship takes over at this point] [Meanwhile, across the city on Lair Island, a worried Dancer flicks off the TV set] Dancer: We have to find them, Vizh, before the New Battlers catch up with them. Vizh: And before Donar needs his diaper changing. Dancer: I still don’t understand how they got out of here so fast. Vizh: I think they used the LL’s Power Tricycles actually. Dancer: The LL have Power tricycles? Vizh: Well you see, Finny was really keen to have a state-of-the-art superhero HQ, with all possible modern features… and you know how obsessive and completist he is… Dancer: Like *snicker* those telepathic height-adjustable high-heeled boots he commissioned? Vizh: Oh that was just part of his war on womankind. How are we going to find the Lair Legion before suppertime? Dancer: Well, no offence Vizh, but I did what always happens when you get out of your depth. Vizh: Ran for cover screaming for your lawyer? Dancer: I called in some help. [A suitably dramatic break later, on the mean streets of Gothametropolis] Fleabot: Senseless, pointless, rambling, and endless. Yep, this is a Visionary mess alright. Asil: But do not fear. Visionary will Lead Us Through. Fleabot: Sure. That’s what I’m fearing. Where are they now, HALLIE? HALLIE (the Lair Legion’s retired computer, they had another one but he wasn’t as interesting and everyone’s forgotten him; he’ll probably be back as a villain sometime): They’ve corned some thugs stealing candy from babes down on Fifth and Plaza. Sorceress has just been sick on one of them. Dancer: We’ve got to hurry. The New Battlers were also in that area. Sir Mumphrey Wilton: Never fear m’dear. I’m sure by some good fortune we’ll get there in the nick of time. Dancer: Sure. I’m using my probability powers to make sure we do, although I have no idea how we are going to actually get across town in three minutes and I am not sure it is a good idea to take a non-superhero like yourself into a combat zone. Sir Mumphrey (secretly fiddling with that time-controlling pocketwatch of his): Don’t worry about me, m’gel, seen much worse in my time. Let’s get on these, er, Lair Legion Rocket Pogo Sticks and be getting’ to the rescue, what? [And across town…] E-Male: Now, you mewling, bratty little pack of whiners. We’re going to show you the spanking of a lifetime. Bend ‘em over team! Wyrm-Boy: Ouch! L’il Trickshot bit me. Fashion Accessory: Noooo! Chocolatey fingerprints on my new Dior original! Damn you Nats! Thunderstroke: You little buggers! How dare you give the twenty-first century thunderdude an atomic wedgie? L’il Buttie: This isn’t fair. In the middle of battle they all keep asking me to take them to the toilet. Hatkid: Hey! L’il Exile ate my cookies! E-Male: C’mon, team. Stop bein’ so nice and fry the little worms. Like this! [points his finger and zaps 200,000 volts at L’il Ziles. Amazingly it misses, earths into a nearby TV cable, zaps along to Holy Harold’s Heavenly Hour videorecording studio, and launches the first televangelist into space.] Dancer: Naughty, naughty E-Male. From what I hear you don’t play well with others. E-Male: Dancer and the Feeb Squad? No challenge! L’il Asil (remember she can change her age?): L’il Lair Legion! Over here! Towards the nice old man with the whiskers and the magic pocketwatch! L’il Finny: Why should we do what you say? You’re a pooey girlie. L’il Asil: ‘Cause if you don’t I’ll kiss you and give you girl cooties. Fleabot: Hey, Visionary, isn’t this where you’re supposed to leap in and help Dancer against impossible odds? Vizh: I think this is where I hide under some street furniture and wait for the loud noises to stop. We all have to do what we’re good at, and there’s kind of this rule that I never actually do anything useful, right? [Dancer vaults around as the whole New Battlers team try to mulch her. Meanwhile, Sir Mumphrey fiddles with his pocketwatch some more, and hey presto the LL are back to adult forms] CrazySugarFreakBoy: Aaaw! *sulks* Hatman: Wow! Puberty can really take it out of you, but we have to help Dancer. Goldeneyed: Hey, E-Male! I’ve just had a voice change and now you’re going to have one! [Fisticuffs ensue] Donar: Yon diaper ist strangely comforting. I wonder if I shouldst keepeth it as part of mine costume?