Posted by The final part of the wedding trilogy on April 22, 2001 at 12:44:32:
Dancer#27: Dancing at the Wedding – the Marriage of ManMan and Dancer [The story so far: Magenta St Evil has used her Liefieldiser Ray to turn the heroes of the Parodyverse into Image Comics characters. Now Deathwyrm, Hytmyn, Ensorceress, Exyle, Really really Dark Knight, Thunderkyller, CrazyCrazyCrazyBoy!, Flesh Amazon and the rest are out proactively hunting down the remaining uncool old-fashioned type heroes, the ones who have personalities, motivations, and decent stories, to finally eliminate them.] Magenta St Evil: And this is only the beginning. Next is all-out nuclear war so that a band of ragged survivors can do whatever they have to to survive in a desolate mutant-haunted wasteland. Meanwhile, Dancer is planning her wedding! Bwa-ha-hah-hah-ha!! Er, did I really just say that? [And across town, Dancer and ManMan are sitting in Sarah Shepherdson’s flat over the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar worrying about the Big Day tomorrow] Dancer: Nothing personal, Manny, but we have to do something. Knifey: Can’t that wait till after the wedding? ManMan: Shut up, Knifey. Dancer: I mean to get out of this mess! We can’t get married tomorrow just to please my mother and your aunt. ManMan: But Aunt April has a weak heart. A shock like breaking off the wedding might kill her! Dancer: And we still have to do something to stop that strangely-grim-and-gritty Lair Legion from going out and taking over the world for its own good too. We have to think of something. ManMan: If only you were willing to use your probability powers on Old Mother Shepherdson. Dancer: But I can’t. She's my mother. It woudln't be…Hey, wait a minute…! I’ve got it! *grins at Manny* Joe, we’ve got to get married!! [The scene: the marriage of Sarah Shepherdson to Joe Pepper at the Kwick-ee marriage parlour on Route 666. Giving away the bride is Visionary. Meggan Foxxx is matron of honour. spiffy conducts the ceremony since he’s Mayor of everywhere but Parodiopolis, and will soon be old enough to legally drink as well. Space Ghost is ManMan’s best man since Trickshot is currently Deatharrow and Falcon is currently dead meat.] ManMan: I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to explain this to Stacy Gwen. Visionary: I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to explain this to Cheryl. I only went out to walk the dog. Knifey: I still don’t see why I couldn’t be best man. ManMan: Because you’re a piece of talking cutlery? Knifey: Yeah, and like your choice of best man I don't wear pants. Space Ghost: Is the bar open yet? spiffy: Where are the bridesmaids? Old Mother Shepherdson: Does that Mayor have a fern on his head? Aunt April: Young people’s fashions these days! I imagine he’s probably a pussywillow. Meggan Foxxx: Most people just leave it at pussy. Old Mother Shepherdson: hey! Fern person. Could we get this wedding started? Although why Sarah had to choose this place when we could have had Paradiopolis Cathedral I’ll never… spiffy, hastily: Dearly beloved… Space Ghost: I always cry at weddings *blows nose on Dancer's veil* [Meggan gently takes Space Ghost outside and locks him in the ladies toilet] ManMan: Are you sure this plan is going to work, Sarah? Only spiffy’s nervous and he seems to be garbling through the service pretty fast. Dancer: Look, it’s an absolute rule of comic-book weddings. There is always a fight. The Lair Legion will be here. Don’t worry. spiffy: …and I now pronounce you man and wife. The end. Dancer and Manny: Huh? I beg your pardon. [Liefield Lair Legion crash through the wall] Deathwyrm: Nobody move! Prepare to be slaughtered!! Aunt April: Oh, my heart! Dancer: Manny, fight them now! [Dancer and Manny go into action. They won’t last long against the whole Lair Legion] Magenta St Evil: Oh this is priceless! At last the Probability Dancer will be crushed and the world will be mine! Old Mother Shepherdson: Who are you to interrupt my daughter’s wedding? And no better than you should be to judge by that outfit you’re wearing. Magenta St Evil: Who? Away, old woman. Old Mother Shepherdson: I’ll thank you to mind your manners. Don’t point that big weapon at me, young woman, or I’ll take you over my knee. Why don’t you smarten up and get a proper job? How dare you interfere with my sweet Sarah’s big day. Magenta St Evil: Why should you care? You’ve spent all week criticising her. Old Mother Shepherdson: Of course I have. She’s my daughter. But that doesn’t mean she’s not the most wonderful girl in the world, and I’m not going to let you do anything to upset her! [grabs Liefieldiser and turns it on Magenta; feedback loops improbably causes huge explosion, kwick-ee chapel explodes and ladies toilet goes into orbit. Everybody reverts everybody back to normal. Space ghost re-enters Earth's atmosphere three days later.] Finny: What… what happened? Troia: WHAT AM I WEARING??? Nats: Hey! That’s my handkerchief! Trickshot: Can I borrow it, only I feel a cold coming on? Aunt April: You’re not the one that’ll catch cold, young man! ManMan: Aunt April? Your heart?? Aunt April: What about it? I must say weddings are a good deal different to when I was a girl. Dancer: I’m afraid the wedding was a set up, Aunt April. Manny was helping me to catch the dangerous archvillain Magenta St Evil and rescue the Lair Legion, that’s all. Old Mother Shepherdson: And what a nasty little cow she was. Still I’m sure her hair will grow back eventually. Here’s your probability power back, Sarah. Dancer: Thanks, mom. ManMan: Your mother had your power? Dancer: Well, Magenta would have expected me to do something improbable, wouldn’t she? I explained everything to mother last night, including how the wedding was a trap to save the Parodyverse, and then swapped my powers across. Now go and explain how waitress Sarah helped out with our little ruse then ran for safety. Some of us want to keep our secret identities. And pull Visionary out of the wedding cake. spiffy, who hasn’t really caught on yet: Well, congratulations you two. You’re a lucky man, er, ManMan. ManMan: It was all just a fake, spiff. We were sorting out Magenta’s plot. Dancer: We didn’t really get married. spiffy: Er…. Dancer: What? ManMan: What? Visionary: Why is spiffy running away from the bride and groom? Meggan: I dunno. Ouch, that must have hurt! Knifey: Heh. Well there’s a Kwick-ee-Divorce just over the road, you two. C'mon, because I'm not being part of the team of Manny, Wifey, and Knifey. Dancer: *sigh* C’mon Joe. Let’s go. We can discuss alimony on the way over… Hey! Manny? Manny? It was just a joke about the alimony, Manny. Vizh, could you bring some smelling salts here please? The end. *hands round wedding cake*