Posted by Dancer should learn not to listen to bad men. Dancer should learn not to listen to bad men. Dancer never learns. on June 03, 2001 at 09:09:07:
Dancer #29
[The Story So Far: Dancer has been
tricked into looking after the mystical Amulet of Parodies for Con Johnstantine.
Both Frightmare, Lord of the Nightmare Realms, and Dark Thugos, Destroyer of
tales, want it. Thugos has finished redecorating Dancer’s bathroom and is now
politely asking for the object. Or, as he put it…]
Dark Thugos, Destroyer of Tales: Ah, there you are Probability Dancer. Give
me the Amulet of Parodies or die [which is polite for Dark Thugos, really].
Dancer: Eeep. Hello, DT.
Dark Thugos, Destroyer of Tales: Do not call me DT.
Dancer: Thuggy?
Dark Thugos: Do not call me Thuggy.
Dancer: Late for breakfast?
Dark Thugos: Do not call me… just give me the Amulet.
Dancer: Well I’m not sure I can, I’m afraid. Do you have a receipt or other
proof of ownership?
Dark Thugos: I have planet-destroying entropy eyebeams.
Dancer: If I had a dime for every time I’d heard that pick-up line… Sorry, I
can’t let you have the amulet. Frightmare asked first, and he is sending some of
his best nightmares round to collect it any minute.
*sound of time/space rip as monsters from the id leap forth into the waking
world, each more horrible than an evening with Barry Manilow*
Dancer: See?
Dark Thugos: Begone, vaporous pestilences of a lesser conceptual entity!
[unleashes entropy eyebeams] And now, Dancer, you will render up to me the…
Dancer?
[Dancer is gone. What, you thought she was going to stay and tackle Thugos?]
[The scene: Fin Fang Foom’s luxury apartment in uptown Parodiopolis. Dancer
hammers on the door]
Dancer: Open up, Finny! This is a Lair Emergency or whatever you call them.
Ziles, answering the door: Oh, hi. Um, you’re probably wondering what I’m
doing here, right?
Dancer: I was more interested in why you are wearing the silk mini-kimono
really.
Ziles: Ah. I was just having a bubble bath.
Dancer: *raises eyebrow*
Ziles: It’s not like that. Finny doesn’t even know I’m living here.
Dancer: Living here? You’re living with Finny?
Ziles: No, I’m living in his apartment. My spaceship’s really cramped and
there’s no room for a Jacussi, and Fin’s got this huge luxury apartment he never
uses with really simple door locks, so I thought…
Dancer: And how long have you been staying here?
Ziles: About four months now. Finny’s a bit obsessive when he’s leading the
Lair Legion so he doesn’t get away from his office much. I suppose you could say
I’m house-sitting for him. Like Valeria with Exile.
Dancer: Isn’t Valeria Exile’s sex slave?
Ziles: …..
Dancer: Anyway, I really need the help of the LL. You see I’ve got this
mega-villain on my tail and…
Ziles: Is this mega-villain like ten feet tall with glowing crimson armour,
an energy sword, and the ability to warp reality?
Dancer: No. This villain is about seven feet tall with purple rocky skin and
a stench of death.
Ziles: I see. Then any ten feet tall guy with glowing crimson armour, an
energy sword, and the ability to warp reality isn’t anything to do with you?
Dancer, starting to worry that Ziles is looking over Dancer’s left shoulder:
Nope. I can only be held responsible for purple rocky-skinned death worshippers
and sickly pale green-clad dream-rippers.
Ziles: So what mega-villain is ten feet tall with glowing crimson
armour, an energy sword, and the ability to warp reality?
Dancer, really starting to worry at why Ziles is staring over Dancer’s left
shoulder and going pale: Well I’ve never met him but it sounds a bit like the
Parody Master, who is generally acknowledged as the most powerful villain in the
whole Parodyverse.
Parody Master: Five points, mortal. You win a slow and painful death. Then
the Amulet of Parodies shall be mine, and I shall rule the Parodyverse!
*sound of reality tearing (sounds a bit like a crisp bag full of custard
being stepped on)*
Frightmare, Lord of the Nightmare Realms: Not so fast, Parody Master. The
amulet is mine!
*sound of Finny’s bathroom exploding; perhaps the plumbing facilitates that
doom-tube technology or something, or maybe Dark Thugos just likes bathrooms?*
Dark Thugos: I believe you will both discover that the amulet is mine.
Dancer: Uh oh. This is looking like a definite three-parter!
[to be continued]