Posted by Dancer finishes off the story where she actually faces all the really nasty baddies that people listed in that survey a while back. Happy now? on June 08, 2001 at 16:22:40:
Dancer #30
[The Problem: Nice men never give Dancer jewellery. However, nasty Con
Johnstantine has tricked Dancer into looking after the Amulet of Parodies, a
powerful doohicky that lots of serious big time baddies want to have for their
own. Right now Frightmare, Lord of the Nightmare Realms, Dark Thugos, Destroyer
of Tales, and the Parody Master are all competing to see who can blow up the
planet first and claim it. Dancer and Ziles are responding to this by trying not
to die.]
Ziles: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dancer: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Frightmare: *peels back reality and allows a billion nightmares with bums
where their faces should be rip loose over humankind*
Parody Master: *evaporates billion nightmares with bums on their faces and
phases in three billion battle-armoured stormtroopers with planetbuster
sidearms*
Dark Thugos: *unleashes entropy eyebeams to decimate three billion
battle-armoured stormtroopers with planetbuster sidearms and causes sun to begin
to go supernova*
Dancer: Hold it! Hello? Excuse me?
Frightmare: *shifts solar system into parallel universe filled with monsters
from under the bed and wardrobe lurkers*
Parody Master: *causes Earth’s seas to burn and changes laws of
thermodynamics so that no technology more advanced than a stick will work*
Dark Thugos: *spills open gateway to realm of the dead and calls back thirty
million mass murderers to reave their bloody way to victory over the corpses of
all who oppose them*
The Hooded Hood: *sips tea*
Dancer: HOLD IT!!!!! Guys, this is not the way to get on my good side. Put
the planet back the way it was before and then I promise to give the amulet to
one of you here. But you’ve got to promise that you’ll accept my decision about
who should have it, okay?
Ziles: Um, Dancer, are you sure that’s a good idea? I don’t think any of
these guys is really a good candidate.
Dancer: It’s a better idea than the planet getting stomped in the rush.
[Frightmare, Dark Thugos, and the Parody Master confer]
Frightmare. Dark Thugos, and the Parody Master: We agree.
Parody Master: But if it isn’t me, you will die.
Dancer: Hey, I’m the one awarding the amulet. Do you really want to upset me
right now?
Parody Master: ……
Dancer: What was that? I didn’t hear you.
Parody Master: Frightmare and Dark Thugos: *snicker*
Dancer: *glares at them* Now to help me decide who should get the amulet I’m
going to ask each of you a question.
Ziles: Oh no. Not a QUESTION!
Dancer: Not that kind of QUESTION. Just stuff to help me decide what to do.
Let’s start with you Dark Thugos. What the heck is this Amulet of Parodies
anyway?
Dark Thugos: It is the repository of power and wisdom laid aside by Wilbur
Parody, the only mortal to have held the all the roles of Shaper of Worlds,
Chronicler of Stories, and Destroyer of Tales. It was stolen from him before he
could use it at the dawn of time to reshape the Parodyverse as his toy.
Ziles: So basically whoever has it can do whatever they want with the
Parodyverse? Oh poot!
Dancer: Poot?
Ziles: Translation circuit problem. I don’t think there is an Earth curse
word strong enough for what I just said.
Dancer: OK. Frightmare, why does everybody suddenly want this Amulet of
Parodies now, and what will they do if they get it?
Frightmare: Tremble, pale human, for the Amulet which has long been hidden
was recently lost by the one who hid it, the Paradox Stranger, in a card game
with the mortal known as the Accursed Johnstantine. Now he who gains it and
invokes its power will gain supremacy over the Parodyverse.
Ziles: Poot again.
Dancer: If it’s that rude, shouldn’t you be saying p**t?
Ziles: Sorry. P**t! P**t and b*ther!
Dancer: Right. Dark Thugos. How could the amulet be destroyed and its menace
defused?
Dark Thugos: It can only be destroyed by its owner, but I warn you that if
you attempt it I shall annihilate you and your world. You have sworn that you
will grant it to one of us here.
Dancer: But they could destroy it, right?
Dark Thugos, Frightmare, and Parody Master: Yeah, right.
Dancer: OK. Then I give it to Ziles.
Frightmare: The wench? But she answered no question!
Ziles: I did tell her about p**t. [*steps on amulet and smashes it*]
Reality as we know it: Ouch.
Dark Thugos, Frightmare, Parody Master:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhh!
Parody Master: Now you die, mortals!
Dark Thugos, deeply evil but basically honourable master-baddie: No. We must
abide by our agreement to let the Probability Dancer decide. She has
outmanoeuvred us, but at least no other rival has the power we are denied. Thus
the matter is resolved, and I will not countenance so craven a reprisal, or our
conflict begins anew.
Frightmare: *sulks*
[Dark Thugos, Frightmare, and Parody Master vanish.]
Ziles and Dancer: *collapse*
[Later, as Dancer explains to Con Johnstantine what happened to his Amulet of
Parodies]
Sarah: …And you know what I think, Johnstanslime? I think you set me up to
destroy it all along, knowing what would probably happen if you left it with me.
I think you set me up and used me.
Con Johnstantine: Aw, Shep. I’m hurt. How can you think such a thing?
Sarah: Because you’re a no-good, backstabbing, lying, manipulating,
good-for-nothing scum and I never want to see you again. *sighs* And stop taking
all the blankets.
[The End]