Posted by Dancer, via HH on July 28, 2001 at 04:49:59:
Dancer#30: Dancer and the Dark
Knight
[The Scene: Dancer has joined the
superhero team the Lair Legion on a trial basis. Right now she’s in a grimy and
gritty alley in Gothametropolis York being taught how to be a world-class
superhero by the grim and gritty Dark Knight]
DK, merging in shadows: Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot. We must
bring terror to their hearts and pain to their lives.
Dancer: Surely some criminals are quite brave, like those people who
cat-burgle by rappelling up the side of buildings?
DK: There are always those who think they are exceptions, but ultimately…
They. Will. Know. Fear.
Dancer: So what you are saying is that criminals except for cat-burglars, and
possibly those high-speed getaway car drivers are a cowardly, superstitious lot?
DK: Let us get on with our patrol. I need to show you how to lurk, stalk, and
loom.
Dancer: That is very kind of you Dark Knight. And if you ever need to know
how to foxtrot, lambada, or serve pastries please feel free to ask me for
instructions.
DK, grimly and grittily: I will place that information in my database. Now
let us proceed.
Dancer: Are all criminals superstitious? I mean, you hear about people
looking for drug moneys robbing churches and stuff, and so…
DK: Let us proceed quietly.
Dancer: Be very qwiet. We’re hunting baddies?
DK, through gritted teeth: Yes.
Dancer (whispers): Right. You stalk them, and I’ll foxtrot after you.
[Meanwhile, a pair of hapless criminals have the bad luck to be trying to
jemmy open a warehouse door just then]
Hapless criminal one: Hurry up and pass me that crowbar, Frankie. Dis is
going to take all night if you don’t get a move on.
Hapless criminal two, Frankie to his friends: Sure, sure. Just hurry up. This
tip about the advance copies of Jurassic Park III being in here better be right.
Dancer: They’re doing a Jurassic Park III? I hope it isn’t as scary as the
other two.
HC1: Huh? A broad in a danskin? Dancer?
Dark Knight, looming: And your worst nightmare, evil-doer.
HC1 and Frankie: Gaaaaahhh!!
Dancer: You know you can get special medical pants if that’s a regular
problem, Frankie.
Dark Knight: Now watch how I make the arrest procedure and make these scum
wish they had never been born.
Dancer, watching: They certainly look cowardly and superstitious enough, but
do we actually have to arrest them?
Dark Knight: What?
Frankie: Yes. Yes arrest us. Please don’t kill us.
HC1: Have mercy. I have children.
Dancer: It is true. How are Maria and Billy, by the way, Ronnie?
HC1, henceforth known as Ronnie: Well, Billy’s cough isn’t better yet, but
little Maria’s sleeping through the night most nights now so Marcy and me are
getting’ some sleep at last.
DK: Dancer, you know these perpetrators, Baretti and Connell?
Dancer: Not that well, otherwise I’d know how Billy and little Maria were
doing. But they occasionally turn up at some, er, charity functions I attend.
And is your mum’s rheumatism any better, Frankie?
Frankie, guiltily: Um, I dunno. I… haven’t seen her much recently.
Dancer: Well don’t you think it’s time you did, hmm? After all, a boy only
has one mother, right?
Frankie: Yeah. You’re right. I guess I should visit.
DK, trying to get back to the script: Remember that after you get out of the
hospital and have served your time, scum.
Dancer: Oh, I don’t think we need to bother with all that, DK. Let’s just
have Ronnie and Frankie promise to pay Mr Jareshi for the door and promise not
to be bad any more and then we can give them a lift home in the Knightmobile.
Frankie and Ronnie: We promise. Really.
DK: This is not how we do it in the Lair Legion.
Dancer, smiling: Up to now. Now we can have a new method, more in keeping
with a complex society where right and wrong are not always easily defined, and
black and white solutions are seen for the inadequate societal pigeonholings
they really are. I mean, do you really think Ronnie and Frankie will get
reformed by their time in a penal institution, or that it will help Billy and
little Maria to grow up without a father?
DK: We uphold the law. Others try to salvage something from the detritus of
society we protect the world from.
Dancer: Rubbish. We’re all here to help each other. Now I say we let Frankie
and Billie go home now, and if they pop down to the Lair Mansion tomorrow I’ll
see about helping them to get some proper jobs through Bautista Enterprises or
something, OK? They’re never going to break the law again…
Frankie, slightly smirking: Yeah, dat’s right, cause we promised.
Dancer: …because I have amazing probability powers which could make
absolutely horrible things happen in their lives, and criminals are a cowardly,
superstitious lot and do not like testicular cancer. So that’s alright, yes?
Frankie, not smirking now, and Ronnie, clutching his tackle: Yes. Yes. New
leaf. Absolutely.
Dark Knight, watching them run away from the scary man and woman: You have a
lot to learn about proper procedure, Dancer. But I approved of the testicular
cancer line.
Dancer: Any you have a lot to learn about dancing. Shall we proclaim the
streets of Gothametropolis safe for now and stop off at a club on the way home?
Dark Knight: …….
CrazySugarFreakBoy! This is the way all crimefighting
should be handled. I approve. :) 07:53:05 7/28/2001 (0)