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This message Dancer/Donar Special Commemorative Wedding Edition #16 was posted by Dancer just squeaks in to that Nats deadline thing on Monday, January 27, 2003 at 12:28.
Dancer/Donar Special Commemorative Wedding Edition #16
The Chronicler of Stories: I am… the Chronicler of Stories! I am here today to act as narrator in this cosmic tale of triumph and tragedy, as we witness the wedding of Sarah Shepherdson, the probability Dancer, to the disguised time-travelling villain Wang the Conqueror. Behold now…
Visioneery: Ah, here I am. Sorry I’m late. [pants] Damn ox-cart pile up on the Rainbow Bridge and then I got pulled over for speeding in a non-chariot lane and…
Chronicler: Excuse me? What exactly do you think you’re doing?
Visioneery: I am the great seer of the Ausgardians. I’m here to tell the bold tale of Dancer and Wang’s betrothal and trothing.
Chronicler: I think you’ll find that I am here to reveal the events of that story. Dancer particularly asked me to make it clear to readers since it had gotten quite complicated…
Visioneery: Well Donar askethed me to do it too, and since I am the official historian of the Ausgardian peoples…
Chronicler: Dancer isn’t an Ausgardian. Well, apart from that one time. And Wang isn’t an Ausgardian. So bugger off.
Visioneery: No need to take that attitude. There’s such a thing as professional courtesy, you know.
Librarian: Er, excuse me? Is this where I’m supposed to give the account of the Wang/Dancer wedding?
Chronicler and Visioneery: NO!
Visioneery: Perhaps if we took it in turns to explain?
The Chronicler [breathing deeply]: Very well. It began when the time-travelling conqueror known only as Wang…
Librarian: Or Kink. Depending on who’s writing him.
Chronicler [glares at Librarian]: …turned up disguised as Bubba, the alternate-reality spiffy, with a story about having to marry a member of the Lair Legion to avoid a death-curse.
Visioneery: And remarkably it wasn’t Sorceress he married. Or Nats.
Chronicler: Anyway, all he really wanted was to get legally wedded to the Probability Dancer so he could steal away her powers and use them to conquer the universe.
Librarian: Although when you think about it that makes no sense at all. How can you steal powers from someone just by marrying them?
Chronicler: He. Had. A gadget. All right?
Librarian: Just asking.
Visioneery: Do you find Chronicler a bit rude and cranky? I do. I wonder if he’s getting enough sleep.
Chronicler: SO… The wedding was set for the Parodopolis Cathedral at noon the next day, with all the superheroes attending.
Librarian: If you are having insomnia there are some good books in the Lunar Public Library that could help.
Visioneery: You mean they’re really boring?
Chronicler, pressing on despite the distractions: Wang of course had hidden a small nuclear device to trigger as the ceremony was completed, as he and Dancer time-shifted away, so that the heroes of the Parodyverse would all be wiped out.
Librarian: How could any book be boring?
Visioneery: If it doesn’t have pictures?
Chronicler: ShutupshutupSHUTUP!
Visioneery: See. Rude.
Chronicler: What Wang didn’t know…
Librarian: Or Kink.
Chronicler: What Wang didn’t know was that the troll in the Paradopolis Public Library, Wangmundo…
Visioneery: No relation to Wang.
Chronicler, losing it: …the troll Wangmundo…
Librarian: And don’t confuse the Paradopolis Municipal Library with the previously referenced Moon Public Library, either.
Chronicler: …troll…
Visioneery: Yes? The troll?
Chronicler: Well, the troll…
Librarian: You’re trying to say that Wangmundo stumbled upon the plot and left vital clues about Wang’s true identity for Donar and Troia to investigate, leading to a last minute revelation at one minute to twelve just as the ceremony was about to be completed?
Chronicler: Right! That does it! I’m writing you two out of existence. Right here! Right now!
Visioneery: Well, you can’t. it’s too late. It’s the end of the chapter, and it was all pretty much recap. Except for the bit about the bomb and getting as far as the I do’s.
Chronicler: Grrrr!
Librarian: And we’re probably not in the next bit, which features what happens when Donar finds out about the trick and comes to try and stop Dancer from making a fatally horrible mistake.
Chronicler: Grrrrrr!
Visioneery: So we’re saved because Donar’s not going to bother with us when he finally gets round to writing his chapter. At least not based on previous experience. So all we have to do is say…
To be continued…
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- 12:51 on January 27, 2003
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