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The Hedgehogs of Time! - Dancer/Finny #11 was made by De Brown Streak (via HH) on 3/17/2003 at 3:28:26 PM.
As some of you may know, Josh is home at the moment coping with a family problem, but here's a note I've just received from him and a story that accompanied it - HH
Hey there, Ian. Thanks for the Parodyverse update and care package. Give my love to the folks and tell them that Dancer/Finny round robin was the best ever. And I’m not just saying that because DBS actually appeared in a non-DBS-written bit of the story – although that didn’t hurt!
Anyway, if it’s not too late, here’s my contribution to it, a little story I like to call…
The Hedgehogs of Time!
A Dancer/Finny Special Addendum by De Brown Streak (slightly edited by HH)
Big Hedgehog: “Greetings, gentle readers. Hedgehogs are a much-misunderstood race, but today, under these strange and alarming circumstances, I think the moment has come for us to reveal our secrets. For the public good. And so that you can all sleep safe in your beds. Unless you’re camping out in sleeping bags on a cold winter’s night, in which case, watch out for the prickles.”
The camera draws back to show that our hedgehog is standing in front of this big cosmic whirlpool thing. It’s pretty impressive. He goes on: “You may think that we hedgehogs are silly, slow creatures fit only to be steam-rollered into oblivion. Yet without us, the universe would be doomed. Don’t believe me? Then let’s look in on an impending doom that’s happening right now…”
Now the scene changes to one of those abandoned warehouses that bad guys always meet in to plot their nefarious deeds. And these are some pretty nefarious bad guys. Listen.
Wang the Conqueror: “This meeting of the Secret Society of Slight-Lame Supervillains will now come to order.”
Thighmaster: “Hey, who put you in charge, buffoon? I am clearly the one who should be leader.”
Peter von Doom: “You? You Johnny-come-lately! I’ve been menacing the Parodyverse since the Avengers Message Board!”
Thighmaster: “And much good it’s done you, you has-been failure.”
Balefire: “Hey, I want to put in a complaint. How come every time I appear in these stories I get dissed like this? Who says I’m slightly lame?”
Peter von Doom: “Well… everybody.”
Thighmaster: “No, that’s not true. Balefire.”
Balefire: “Thanks. I’m glad someone gives me some respect. You got my vote for leader, Thigh-guy.”
Thighmaster: “Yes, some people think you’re incredibly lame.”
Balefire: “OK, I’m taking that vote back.”
Thighmaster: “Too late. You already cast it.”
Peter von Doom: “It was clearly cast under false pretences. Of course he can take it back.”
The room dissolves into a screaming match of Cans and Can’ts. Finally, Wang shouts: “Silence!!!”
Thighmaster: “Can’t.”
Wang glowers at him. “I called you here because we have a great opportunity. A unique opportunity. The heroes of the Parodyverse are in disarray.”
Balefire: “You mean they’re all teenage girls trying to get knocked up?”
Wang: “Also, the powers that regulate the Parodyverse are very busy trying to sort things out. With no guardians left, we can finally launch my evil plan of multiversal domination. Bwahhhaahahahahahahahahah!”
Thighmaster: “Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhh!”
Peter von Doom: …… Bbbbbwwwwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahhahahh!!!”
Balefire: Whatever.
Suddenly the warehouse door opens and in comes Argh!Yle, Evillest of Socks. “Sorry I’m late guys. Somebody gave me the wrong address.”
Wang the Conqueror: “That was deliberate, footwear felon! This is the Secret of Society of Slightly-Lame Super-Villains. You are clearly an extremely lame villain. We have to set some standards.”
Argh!Yle: “Balefire’s here.”
Balefire: “Out, before I unravel you.”
Argh!Yle, sulkily: “Okay, I’m going. I’ll conquer the multiverse on my own, and then you’ll all be sorry. You’ll see.”
A sad sock slinks out of the story. Aaaw.
Thighmaster: “So what’s the evil plan, Wang?”
Peter von Doom: “Wait. I have a question. Why are we a Secret Society? Shouldn’t the world be trembling at our name?”
Balefire: “Hey, if you’re a member of a team called the Society of Slightly-Lame Supervillains wouldn’t you want it to be secret?”
Wang: “IF we could get on. As I was saying, all we need to is activate my time-freezing ray and lock the whole multiverse in zero-time. Then when nothing and no-one is moving, we can do whatever we want. Plunder. Loot. Dominate. Look up girl’s skirts. Anything!”
Thighmaster: “It’s a good plan. Especially the girl’s skirts bit. Let’s do it!”
Balefire: “I got one question. Wang, weren’t you kind of eaten by rabbits earlier in this round robin story?”
Wang: “Well, yes, slightly. A minor setback. It is true that I was momentarily swallowed by a giant thought bunny, but my personal force fields protected me until I could escape.”
Peter von Doom: “And how did you do that?”
Wang: “That’s not important. I… passed out.”
Everybody steps back a little.
Wang: “But now, our triumph is at hand.” He reaches for the big red lever. “Nothing can stop us now!”
But, back with the narrating hedgehog: “Nothing? As ever, the time-meddling wrongdoers have failed to reckon with… the Time Hedgehogs! Ah, excuse me now. I have to go save the multiverse.”
Time hedgehogs? Oh yes. When the Fairly Great Old Ones first opened their chthonic portal and set foot to infest the Parodyverse at the dawn of time, there was a Time Hedgehog there to prickle their non-Euclidean toes and give them pause just long enough for the defenders of reality to rally. When the last suns flicker out at the end of time there’ll be a hedgehog there in it’s baked-clay battle-armour to lock the doors and return the keys.
And right now… the Time Hedgehogs have a mission!
Big Hedgehog: “The name’s Tiggywinkle. Agent Tiggywinkle. I have license to prick.”
De Brown Streak: “Hey! Can I get one of those?”
Agent Tiggywinkle: “Bugger off. You’re not in this chapter.”
DBS: “Aw come on. I’ve got to get all the screen time I can. It’s not like I get guest-starred in other people’s stuff or anything. Alright, alright. I’m going. No reason to get so prickly!”
And so back to our previously established villainy…
Wang: “Nothing can stop me now!”
Peter von Doom: “Us. Nothing can stop us.”
Wang: “Us, me. What’s the difference?”
Balefire: “Three people.”
Wang, reaching for the lever: “Bah! This is no time for quibbling. Now is the time for…. AAAAGH!! My hand, my hand!!”
Yes, at that moment, Agent Tiggywinkle has thrown himself on the lever and curled himself into a ball around it. “Take that, time felons!”
Thighmaster: “A wild animal! Kill it! Kill it!”
Peter von Doom: “It has sharp spines! And it’s looking at us!”
Balefire: “Look out. It’s setting the machine into reverse! Noooooooo!”
The Secret Society of Slightly-Lame Supervillains dematerialises with a groaning wheezing sound.
Agent Tiggywinkle: Another triumph for the Hedgehogs of Time. But now to set right the damage to the timelines.” He looks to the ground. “There is only one way.”
Agent T heads for the nearest freeway. “To correct the timestream a hedgehog must be one with it. But we can only be in three dimensions at once. To get into time we must sacrifice one of the others.” He looks at the highway, waiting for a really big truck. “What, you thought all those flat hedgehogs were just roadkill? Fools. We died that your world might live!”
Agent Tiggywinkle gives a farewell salute to the Parodyverse. “It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it. Farewell, my friends. And remember… the Hedgehogs of Tiiiiiiii….”
Our story ends with a sixteen wheeler and the restoration of the time-space continuum.