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The Dancer/Finny Valentine's Special part 4: "The Regular results" was made by Visionary, innocent bystander. on 2/17/2003 at 9:02:02 PM.
Warning: Since this chapter focuses on the Happy Place and is written by me, it contains references to enough obscure Parodyverse continuity to make Bill Jemas's head explode. In fact, the reference to Bill Jemas is likely just as obscure for some of the intended audience. It really doesn't matter. Just keep in mind that the Parodyverse is weird, and the people in it even more so and you'll be just fine.
"Not a chance in hell" Visionary stated defiantly, crossing his arms.
"Aw, c'mon..." Lisa prodded. "You know if hell froze over and you were facing sex with three gorgeous women, we'd all be more than willing to help stop it from happening to you."
"Did I mention that I was willing to throw myself on that kind of grenade?" spiffy asked quickly. "You know, out of... um, camaraderie and civic duty and all. I'm thinking of adding it into my campaign promises."
"Besides, I really think it will work this time..." NTU noted optimistically.
"I am not going through the Happy Place Conduit again" Visionary repeated stubbornly. "No good can come of it."
"Oh, don't be a baby..." Fleabot added. "Just because it turned you into a weasel the last two times..."
"Mongoose" Asil corrected absently.
"No, seriously" NTU said. "I redesigned the whole interface matrix. I really think it will work this time..."
"Look, it's the only way" Lisa broke in. "Yo and Dancer are stuck in the Happy Place, and they need an exit that leads to here rather than back to Finny's love rocket."
"Would you *please* stop calling it that?" Visionary groaned, praying that she was referring to the spaceship.
"And how many times has Yo bailed you out when you were in trouble, hmmm?" Lisa continued mercilessly. "Oh, and didn't Dancer save you that time to were eaten by a giant scaly sea snake? Now that she's threatened by a giant scaly snake as well..."
"Isn't Finny more of a lizard?" Asil asked.
"Actually, I was referring to his..."
"For the love of god... just don't" Visionary begged. Admittedly, from the moment he heard that Yo was in trouble, he knew he'd give in and help. Some part of him just felt the necessity of arguing, if only to make it perfectly clear that he was being dragged into this whole tawdry mess entirely against his better judgment. The reputation of his mental prowess was bad enough without it seeming like he couldn't see the obvious impending disaster looming before them. But then there was Yo and Dancer... "Aw, hell" he finally moaned.
"Really" NTU added. "It'll likely work this time. I'm really quite confident. Honest."
So it was that the Regular's Away Team found themselves standing on the newly designed transport pad of the revamped Happy Place Conduit... NTU's dreaded artificial link to the fabled bunny-infested dimension. Normally, one could only get there by undergoing severe emotional distress. Yo, always being happy, had his own way of getting there from time to time. (How he got Dancer there, Visionary wasn't about to guess. The fewer details he knew about this whole thing, the better.) Ultimately, the Conduit should (in theory) hop anybody right on over to the Happy Place and back again, as easily as transdimensional particle disintegration/reintegration spacial warping physics would allow... and regardless of their happiness levels. For one of Enty's inventions, it had an adequate success rate... with a few specific complications.
For this particular mission, the Away Team consisted of Visionary, Fleabot, and Lisa... the logic being that Asil was far too innocent to be involved, spiffy was far too eager, and NTU needed to work the controls. At least, that was his excuse... though he assured them once again that it really might work out all right this time. Really.
"Are you sure I shouldn't come?" spiffy asked once more. "What if they still need a rub down? Did I mention my ferns can secrete a soothing aloe?"
Asil helpfully thwapped him in the back of the head. "You'll keep your secretions to yourself."
"Look at the bright side" Fleabot offered as NTU powered up the controls. "We get to skip the corn this time."
Visionary shuddered. "Dammit, we all agreed to never mention that whole mess again."
"No, you agreed" Lisa pointed out. "Well, more like whined and pleaded, over and over and over again. Most of us have learned to tune that kind of thing out." She looked at her miserable leader. "Oh, relax, will you? What are the odds of something like that happening again?"
Just then, Enty threw the switch bringing the machine to life with a high pitched whine. Reality warped around them and Visionary had the distinct impression of knowing what a Rubik's Cube felt like. Then they were twirled back into shape in the immediate vicinity of a being whose thoughts affected reality and another whose movements altered probability. The flaw in this plan was immediately apparent.
Visionary felt the familiar flash overtake them more than he saw it. He had his tiny eyes closed after all. He opened them to look down at his little furry paws.
The cross-dimensional communication card that Enty had given them blipped to life. "So..." he asked hesitantly. "...It worked, right?"
Sarah was leaning back, smiling up into the bright blue sky as the warm sun shone tantalizingly off her face. She relished the soft breeze that rustled her hair as she squeezed the lush turf between her toes. Oh yeah, she could get used to this happiness stuff. It was a shame that this place was so rarely used these days. She glanced over to where Yo was grinning widely as s/he stroked the gathering bunnies. It was then that she felt an odd pull at the edge of her probability powers and a flash of light washed over them.
"Hooray!" Yo cried out happily. "We are being saved!"
Sarah blinked to clear her eyesight and looked to where Yo was pointing. There were two piles of clothes lying flat on the ground, and something was rooting around inside them. Eventually two little furry heads popped up and looked around, then spotted each other and groaned.
"Wait..." Dancer requested politely. "They sent a weasel and a rabbit to rescue us?"
Yo nodded enthusiastically. "Cute Lisa and cute Visionary."
Sarah looked to where the two furry little critters were yelling (well, more like squeaking) into a Regulars communication card. Not that their identities really should have surprised her, mind you. After all, she was part of what was considered the most super super-team around, and yet she had found herself trapped in an interstellar boudoir to serve as lizard date-bate. The idea that other teams should have to suffer through occasional spontaneous transformation into rodents seemed only fair in comparison. "Er... which is which?"
Yo seemed shocked that she couldn't tell. "Cute Lisa is always the bunny, and cute Vizzy is always the weasel."
Dancer squinted. Yes, that seemed about right. As she looked at them, she could almost hear CSFB entering into a hyperactive monologue about animal totems and their various symbolic and spiritual meanings. She then decided that she was spending way too much time hanging around the Legion on her days off. "Do we interrupt them?" she asked, as the Regulars had progressed to arguing amongst themselves.
"They're almost done" Yo assured her. Sure enough, the bunny finally rolled her eyes then spun and whomped the weasel upside his head with her hind legs, sending him sprawling through the lush meadow to land twitching at their feet. "See?" Yo said happily. "Hi Vizzy! How is cute Rabito doing?"
"Hey Yo" Fleabot answered gamely from a perch atop Visionary's nose. He pried open one of the weasel's eyelids. The beady little eyes underneath were rolled clear back into his head, and his tongue hung limply out the side of his muzzle. "Um... I think we might have to give him a minute to collect his thoughts. And maybe a few teeth."
"You hit me" Visionary grumbled for the third time after regaining consciousness. He was nestled on top of his jacket, his tail twitching miserably while he held his head between his paws.
"Bunny reflex" Lisa answered unapologetically, grooming her ears. "Besides, you were hysterical... you had devolved into making these little chittering noises. Something had to be done before you started foaming. It's not my fault you have a glass snout."
"I do not... and that's not the point!!! I'm stuck as a weasel again!" the leader of the Regulars cried indignantly.
"Oh, you are not." Lisa responded. "Stuck, I mean. How did you get out of it last time?"
"Well we... Hey! No!" Visionary retorted. "Nonononono! I am not talking about that! It's in the vault! Never mentioning it again! And all your evil tricks won't work, Flopsy!"
Lisa rolled her eyes. "Go raid a chicken coop."
"They really are liking each other" Yo assured Dancer.
"Yeah, so anyway..." Fleabot interjected, trying to get back on the subject. "You're saying that the two of you managed to escape to the Happy Place, but Finny and Ziles are still trapped inside the honeymoon suite of the Battlestar Galactica?"
"Something like that" Dancer confirmed. "We thought they could use some time alone, and we were running out of ways to tease him anyway."
Lisa blinked. "After only 20 hours?" She turned a disapproving bunny glance on Yo. "Have you learned nothing of my methods?"
Yo spread his hands helplessly. "No cool whip".
Lisa tapped a paw to her twitching nose thoughtfully. "Hmmm... I didn't realize these aliens were that primitive."
Visionary blinked painfully and tried to keep up with the conversation despite the swelling lump on the side of his face. "So we still need to rescue Finny and Ziles. Any chance they'll be set free if they just, um... suck it up and bite the bullet?" He glanced over at Lisa. "Please don't make that any dirtier than it sounded."
The bunny Regular pouted. "Take all the fun out of this, why don'tcha" she sighed.
Yo and Dancer exchanged glances. "Well... I suppose it's possible..." Sarah began unconvincingly.
Yo nodded.
"Or they could keep Finny to breed him with every cheap intergalactic space hussy they can find."
Yo smiled. "The sadly endangered Makluan dragon population is needing many little Finnies."
"Okay, so lets not count on them letting him go" Visionary decided tactfully, silently wondering exactly how many cheap intergalactic space hussies there really were. "How long are they likely to be able to hold out there without, um... you know."
"I'm not sure" Dancer offered quickly, before Lisa could suggest a euphemism. "The environmental controls are stacked against them."
"Environmental controls?"
"Mood lighting, champagne and oysters, vibrating bed..."
"Cute Barry White being on the HiFi..." Yo added helpfully.
"So we'd better be careful if we're sending somebody back in there to get them" Fleabot noted. "There are enough Legionnaires and Regulars without starting a next generation."
Dancer nodded. "I suppose since it's my fault they're there, I should go back." She looked at Visionary, nestled on top of his pile of clothes. "It's probably safe to bring Vizh with us, since even if the environment gets the better of people, he's too tiny to... well... you know."
Visionary's fur bristled in what may have been the equivalent of a weasel blush.
"Relax" Lisa cooed. "That can't be the first time a woman has said that about you while you were naked."
"Evil, evil, evil..." the abused little weasel muttered to himself.
"Should somebody stay here with the trigger to the Happy Place Conduit, just to make sure we can all get back once we grab Finny and Ziles?" Dancer asked.
Visionary looked over at Lisa as her hind leg began to thump rapidly on the turf. She pulled her eyes off of the many male bunnies that hopped freely about the meadow to meet his gaze. "What?" she asked defensively as her ears blushed. "It's a rabbit thing. You wouldn't understand. I'm not twitterpaited, dammit!"
"Uh-huh" Visionary answered, clearing his throat. "Um... actually, I have another question... Why aren't Finny and Ziles already here?"
"Between Yo's powers and my own, we could only get ourselves here, actually" Dancer sighed. "I'm really not sure how we're going to bring those two over."
"Well, no... that's not quite what I'm asking" the weaselly little leader continued. "I mean, if having hot, sweaty... uh, mutual relations... is so disturbing to them, why didn't they make the defensive leap to the Happy Place to begin with?"
That gave them all pause.
"Maybe... they're out of practice?" Fleabot ventured. "I mean, it's been so long since we've regularly used the Happy Place. Maybe it doesn't work that way any more..."
"No" Yo disagreed happily. "It is still being the same."
"Yeah... and come to think of it, this is exactly the kind of discomfort that traditionally bounces one to the happy place." Visionary noted. "It's always been pretty specific in how it works. So why not now?"
Lisa let out an indelicate little bunny snort, followed by peals of laughter. "Ha! I knew it! I just knew it!" Her ears were bouncing with suppressed mirth. "Well, okay... I didn't know it... I mean, I always figured there was at least a chance that he was gay..."
Yo was smiling encouragingly. Visionary was just looking confused.
"You mean..." Dancer began.
"He likes it!" Lisa finished with glee. "Oh, sure... he's scared to death. But part of him really, really, really likes it!" She gave a lewd little smirk. "And I can guess which part."
"Ah..." Fleabot chimed in with a comically bad French accent. "Ze moment of anteecipahzhun. She eez so very sweet, no?"
Visionary groaned as the rest of them succumbed to a laugh at the dragon's expense. As far as he was concerned, the sooner this whole mess was over, the better. (Apparently, he was the only one in this entire group with a mood-killing headache.) In any event, getting out of this weasel fur and scrubbing his mind of Makluan sexual desires was very high on his agenda... "So if impending energetic coupling isn't enough to scare him into coming here, then what could he possibly find that scary?"
Lisa pondered it for a moment, then grinned from bunny ear to bunny ear. "Heh! That's easy. There's only one thing..." she noted devilishly.
The women exchanged knowing glances.
"...The morning after!"
Coming next: Will the Happy Place bunch find a way to give Finny and Ziles all of the remorse with none of the fun? Well? I really don't know... that's up to Dancer.
Oh, and to learn more about the Happy Place Conduit and its usual side effects, check out "A Fable for Yo", a very early Parodyverse Round-Robin, at the link offered below.
http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/8339/new_continuity/FableYo.html