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Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special Limited Trashcan Edition #1 and 2 was made by Dancer on 4/2/2003 at 4:29:54 AM.
I keep meaning to do another spiffy one. This was okay as a joke but spiff's actually got white hair and stuff. I'll have to sort him out one day :-)
Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #1: The Clinton Gambit
[The Scene: The Mayor’s office in Gothametropolis City Hall. Mayor spiffy is avoiding the piles of confusing paperwork and trying to prise the latest assassin’s bullets out of the wall plaster when his newest PR team enter]
Mr Polecat: Okay, so the first thing is not to panic.
spiffy: Huh? What? Why should I panic.
Just-Call-Me-Ed: Exactly. No reason at all, Mr Mayor.
spiffy, starting to panic: What is it? What’s happening? Some kind of supervillain attack? Alien invasion? Demonic incursion?
Mr Polecat: No, I’m afraid this is serious, Mr Mayor. Just keep breathing, okay? We can totally find a way to weasel you out of this.
Just-Call-Me-Ed: That is, establish plausible deniability in a credible managed spin scenario, sir.
spiffy, worried and suspicious: This doesn’t involve anything to do with Lisa and dairy products, with NTU-150 and household gadgets, or with Donar and battle goats does it?
Mr Polecat and Just-Call-Me-Ed: * exchange worried glances *
Just-Call-Me-Ed: We can, um, we can deal with those PR crises, of course. But let’s just deal with this PR crisis first, eh?
Mr Polecat: We can totally deal with it, sir. We just deny everything. Perhaps it would be best if we could claim that you’re gay.
spiffy: What? What are you talking about??
Just-Call-Me-Ed: Oooh, I like that. And it might pick up some votes from the pink lobby if the Mayor comes out in the right way. Could we hint at a homoerotic relationship with Nats?
spiffy: You could consider it when you get out of hospital.
Mr Polecat: You should consider it, sir. It’s perfect. I mean, look what the rumours about Fin Fang Foom and Dark Knight did for their public opinion quotient.
Just-Call-Me-Ed: Of course, they kind of blew it when the dragon stepped on those reporters right afterwards.
spiffy: * extends his fern and grabs his PR people by the throats * Okay, let’s start again. I’m not gay. I’m not going to become gay for PR purposes. I’m not going to pretend that I’m gay for PR purposes. Finny, and DK aren’t gay either, but if they were it wouldn’t be about PR either. You are now going to explain what the hell you are going on about or I am going to step out of the building and be replaced by Evil spiffy for ten minutes or so. Clear?
Mr Polecat: Urk. We were just trying to do out job, Mr Mayor – protecting you from that paternity suit and all the bad publicity and stuff.
spiffy: * drops them * Urk. P-paternity suit. As in…?
Just-Call-Me-Ed: Yes sir. The young lady is down at reception wanting to see you. She says if you don’t talk to her she’ll calling a press conference right now.
Mr Polecat: She was threatening to chain herself to the deputy mayor.
spiffy: That’s… I’m… It’s not… I don’t… But… How is this possible?
Just-Call-Me-Ed: Well you see, sir, when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much…
spiffy: Shut up. I mean, there isn’t any… practical way… I could have… It’s got to be a scam. * Nasty idea occurs * Unless it’s Bubba pretending to be me again. Or Abbub. Or Evil spiffy back from the dead…
Mr Polecat: Hmm, yeah. I suppose we might just pull of the insanity defence.
spiffy: Never mind that. Just get this girl up here and we’ll sort this out right now. I’m not going to be blackmailed by some scheming gold-digger. Who does she claim to be anyway?
Just-Call-Me-Ed, checking his notes: Says her name’s Kerry. Claims she’s the little sister of that superhero, the Probability Dancer.
spiffy: ……
spiffy: Is it too late to reconsider the gay idea?
Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #2: She’s Just a Girl Who Says That I Am the One
[The Scene: Still office of the world’s most worried omni-mayor, ten minutes later, when spiffy and Kerry are alone in his office]
spiffy: So you’re not pregnant.
Kerry: N-uh. Of course not. That was just a way to get past your security people. They were being really snotty ‘cause I didn’t have an appointment.
spiffy: And it never occurred to you to just, maybe, ring ahead? Instead of, you know, give me cardiac arrest?
Kerry: You didn’t give me your number at big sis’s latest wedding. And you didn’t ask for mine, which I thought was a pretty big oversight given the level or drooling you were doing.
spiffy: I wasn’t drooling. Those wedding breakfast tacos where hot, that’s all.
Kerry: Anyway, I was pretty sure that if you hadn’t been a spineless wimp when it comes to talking to girls you’d have said I could drop in anytime and you’d be ready to help me.
spiffy: Is this pushy self-confidence genetic in your family or something?
Kerry: So I figured that since you’re the only guy I know in America with a car – you do get a limo or something with the Mayor gig, right? – you could give me a tour, ‘kay?
spiffy: Sure. Limo. Tour. Er, why are you here again?
Kerry: Because my big sister asked me to run an errand for her, and I don’t have a driver’s license. Or a car.
spiffy: I mean, why are you here in America. Don’t you live in Ireland or somewhere?
Kerry: Bogall, County Mudd. But I kind of got sent here by mom because she said I was coming under some bad influences.
spiffy: Bogall? That’s a huge coincidence. That’s where the waitress at the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar came from originally. Sarah Shepherdson.
Kerry: Yeah, huge shock.
spiffy: I guess that’s why she and Dancer are friends.
Kerry: That must be it. Yeah. So about this lift?
spiffy, catching up with earlier conversation: What bad influences?
Kerry, shrugging: Aw, nothing really. I kind of burned my school down. It was no biggie. Accident, really. The propellants and flammable materials I had on my person just reacted badly to the cigarette lighter.
spiffy: They did. * nudges mayoral cigarette lighter into waste bin * So you, um, arsoned your school. Any special reason?
Kerry: Oh sure. The gym dance was full of vampires. Only way to get rid of them.
spiffy: Really?
Kerry: No, dufus. But Mr O’Donnell was looking at me a bit funny, and he doesn’t tan. So I might get by on a technicality?
spiffy: You know, today I thought that getting shot at was going to be the hardest part.
Kerry: Aw, it can only get better, lover. Look, you go whistle up the limo, I’ll grab a road map, and we can be in Tombstone in under a week.
spiffy: Hold it. Tombstone, Arizona? I can’t take you to Tombstone!
Kerry: Why not? What have you got against Tombstone?
spiffy: Nothing. I happen to be Mayor there. But I can’t leave my office for a week. People would miss me. Probably. Possibly. Well, they might, if anybody needs someone to blame something on. Plus I can’t just run off on this errand of Dancer’s. I’m still healing up from that Telethon she organised.
Kerry: It takes a brave man to volunteer for a sponsored lobster-tank sit-in. But hey, after that, what have you got to lose?
spiffy: I can’t just go off like this. People need me. Sometimes.
Kerry: Mark. I need you. * flashes killer smile * Please? It’s important.
spiffy, swallowing hard and trying to remember how to breathe: Er, well, okay dammit, but this had better be really vital saving-the-world stuff.
Kerry: * jumps up and down in an interesting teenaged way * Wonderful! Arizona, here we come!!
[And three hours later, as Sarah Shepherdson gets home from her volunteer shift at the Parodiopolis Mission for Abandoned Seamen…]
Dancer: Kerry, I’m home. You didn’t set fire to anything while I was out? This time? Kerry? Hello??
[Sarah find the note pinned to the refrigerator]
Dancer: “Dear Sarah, Sorry it had to be this way. I have eloped with spiffy. Please don’t follow us. Love, Kerry.”
To be continued in #3: True Love Knows No State Boundaries or Federal Kidnapping of Minors Laws :-)
P.S 2 issues means everybody has to reply twice, right??
P.P.S. Mark doesnt need to freak about #3, writing it or anything (unless he wants to). I've totally got it all planned * wicked grin *