Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer's excellent spiffy-tormenting continues (via HH)
Mon Jul 28, 2003 at 02:58:56 pm EST
[ New ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]

Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #5: “I Want spiffy So Dead That All His Other Deaths Seem Like a Head Cold”

[The Scene: One of those big Villains’ Councils that HH keeps writing. Round the table are, let’s see, Akiko Masamune (the world’s pinkest crimelord), Count Fokker of H.E.R.P.E.S (can’t remember what that stands for but let’s assume Horrible Evil Rotters Plotting Evil Schemes, shall we?), MODEM of B.A.L.D. (Blatant And Lamentable Derivatives), Count Armageddon, new ruler of Badrippor (am I the only one who find him kind of sexy??), and the Lynchpin (he gets two seats at the table). Pressing his nose up against the window outside is Balefire. Thighmaster is locked in the cupboard ]

Akiko: This villains council is called to order. Let’s get the business done because I have important shoe shopping to do later.

Count Fokker: Very well. I called this meeting because there has been… a breach.

The Lynchpin: I can’t help it. I swear all my pants just shrink in the wash. Then I sit down and…

Count Fokker: A breach in our mutual non-interference pact! Someone has done something odious!

MODEM: Ah, that could be me. You see, being a big floating head when I eat eggs or beans my bioengineered body can’t always…

Count Fokker: I MEAN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN THE AGREEMENT! I had a package of, um, materials, being delivered in Gothametropolis.

Count Armageddon: Try not to shout. Facial spittle does not improve your attractiveness. What materials would these be?

Akiko Masamune: A head sack wouldn’t improve his attractiveness. Plus, that was kind of Zemo’s shtick.

Count Fokker: Just some materials. Um, art supplies.

The Lynchpin: Porn, you mean?

Count Fokker: Ionlybuyitforthearticles! Er, I mean, no, it wasn’t porn. Get out of the gutter.

Lynchpin: Well, I would, but the heavy winch has kind of broken again and the guy said it would fixed Tuesday and then they didn’t come… Anyway, in the end I had him and his whole family cemented into Nats’ back yard.

Count Armageddon: We already know it was a consignment of offworld combat gear, Fokker, you foaming idiot. It was on the news.

Count Fokker: Er, well I suppose it might have been some ex-Battleworld souvenirs. Anyway, I’d gone to the trouble of acquiring them and then they were stolen.

Akiko Masamune: And spirited out of the city despite a police cordon and more superheroes than you could shake a crossover at!

Thighmaster: Is anyone going to let me out of this cupboard, or am I just a one-joke character in this story?

Lynchpin: Guess.

Balefire: At least you got a cupboard. It’s raining out here, you know. And I think my costume is turning transparent in the wet.

Akiko Masamune: NOT an incentive to let you in, really.

Count Armageddon: From what the FBI are saying, the prime suspect is the Mayor of Gothametropolis, a mentally-challenged fern-symbiote named spiffy. He seems to have kidnapped a wench and gone on the run.

Count Fokker: Yes! But clearly he is working for one of you, to have known about the shipment and how to intercept it. spiffy is well known in the superhuman community to be… not the brightest hero in the limited series.

Akiko Masamune: Perhaps the clue is with the girl he has abducted? My records show she has a close affiliation with a member of the Lair Legion, the Probability Dancer. Possibly her sister? Clearly the little weed-sucker felt the need for a hostage to keep his former team-mates off his back.

MODEM: I’ve just checked my internal database for information on the Kerry female.

Count Armageddon: Ah, good. I was getting worried at you placing your hands down your waistband and evidently twidding things.

MODEM: Er, yes. Yes, that is how I check my internal database. Yes. Anyway, it seems this Kerry girl was sent from Ireland to Paradopolis to keep her away from a boyfriend who was thought to be a bad influence on her. I can get you a printout on him if you require.

Count Fokker: Will it… come from your pants?

Akiko Masamune: Clearly we need more information, of a… non-pantal nature. My sources inform me that this Kerry has been staying with a close friend of Dancer’s, a waitress at the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar, by the name of Sarah Shepherdson.

Count Armageddon: Ah, you propose we capture the waitress and force her to tell us the truth about this Kerry, her former boyfriend, and the feckless fool with frond? And that will in turn help us to locate Count Fokker’s missing apparatus.

Count Fokker: All my apparatus is there! Those are just rumours! It was a near miss! The Makluan’s radioactive fire came nowhere near me!

Lynchpin: He means your missing extraterrestrial armaments.

Balefire: I can’t believe you let him in instead of me. Really.

Thighmaster: I think I need the bathroom.

Akiko Masamune: I suggest we hire some minion to kidnap the waitress and then discover what is really going on with spiffy and the missing weaponry. And then Count Fokker can explain to us why he needed such a devastating arsenal when we are all getting along so nicely?

Count Fokker: It was for personal use only.

Balefire: *cough*overcompensating*cough*

Lynchpin: Who were you intending to use, Masamune? I could contribute the alien assassin Gamona if you require her aid. Of course, her green skin might clash with your shoes.

Akiko Masamune: A good, and indeed deal-breaking point. No, I have a file on some new talent in town. I rather thought we could try this fellow. *hands round dossier*

Count Armageddon: Is that a topknot?

Count Fokker: What the hell is a Killer Shrike??

MODEM, fumbling in his pants: I can look it up if you want.

Everybody; NO!

Lynchpin: In the meantime I shall dispatch Gamona to slaughter spiffy in the interests of cordial intervillain relations. I trust my colleagues will donate some aid to hunt him down also?

MODEM: I shall subcontract with the Ass-Raping Ninjas.

Count Armageddon: I’ll send in Anvil Man.

Count Fokker: I shall lead the hordes of HERPES personally! I want spiffy so dead that all his other deaths seem like a head cold.

Akiko Masamune, quietly, to herself: And I’ll get to the bottom of what’s really going on here.

Lynchpin: Then we are agreed? Lunch?

Count Armageddon: At least let us take cover first.

Akiko Masamune: Right, well I have important shoe decisions awaiting me. This meeting is dismissed. Go out and do villainy.

[And so the most villainous criminals in the Parodyverse set out to do bad things to poor spiffy and Kerry – and Sarah. Watch out next time for another exciting episode of Dancer/spiffy: “Why Am I the Only One Without Anything Attached To The Top of My Head?”]

Thighmaster: Hello? Can anyone let me out of here? Hello…?

ng Attached To The Top of My Head?”]

Thighmaster: Hello? Can anyone let me out of here? Hello…?



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