Tales of the Parodyverse

Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #7: “Why Am I the Only One Without Anything Attached To The Top of My Head?”


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HH reckons the conditions have been met, so here's the next bit from the ever-effervescing Dancer
Tue Aug 05, 2003 at 12:34:01 pm EST
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Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #7: “Why Am I the Only One Without Anything Attached To The Top of My Head?”

[The Story So Far: Runaway Mayor Mark “spiffy” Hopkins and rebelette without a cause Kerry Shepherdson have skipped town to deliver a consignment of illegal advanced alien weaponry to a mysterious rendezvous at Tombstone, Arizona. One of these two young people knows Exactly what is going on. The other has a fern. Right now they’re taking a stop for the night at some seedy trailer park highway motel, and Kerry’s just come out of the shower wrapped in a little white towel.]

Kerry: So… Sex.

spiffy: *chokes on Dr Pepper*

Kerry, watching him choke: I’m sure that a drink called Dr Pepper should be healthier for you than that. I didn’t know people could actually turn that colour.

spiffy: *hammers himself on the back with his symbiotic fern*

[Note to new readers: Best not to ask about the symbiotic fern. It’s one of those things it’s better not to think about too much, like where eggs come from and how Kylie Minogue got to be a star.]

Kerry: Back home in Ireland we have sensible soft drinks like Irn Bru and Tizer.

spiffy: *get up off floor and wipes Dr Pepper from nose*

Kerry: Which we gulp rather than exhale, as a general preference.

spiffy: What… what did you just say?

Kerry: I was explaining how to swallow a can of soft drink without all of that writhing on the floor and turning purple thing. First you firmly grasp the ring pull…

spiffy: Before that. When you padded out of the shower, glistening wet, wrapped in a thin soggy scrap of… er, I mean, when you came into the room.

Kerry, shrugging: I can’t remember now. The nose-sprayed Irn Bru has completely distracted me.

spiffy: I thought you said… er…

Kerry: You’re very good at it though. You should compete Olympically.

spiffy: I thought you said ‘Sex’.

Kerry: Oh, yeah. That’s right. *Waits until spiffy’s tasking another cautious swig of Dr Pepper* Sex.

spiffy, swallowing hard, eyes watering: Er, well…

Kerry: We’re been travelling together for three days now and you haven’t told me anything about your love life.

spiffy: Oh. Right. It was… a kind of general historical enquiry.

Kerry: I’m just trying to show an interest since you’re being nice enough to help me deliver these boxes to my friend. What did you think I meant?

spiffy: Er, that. I thought you were making a general historical enquiry.

Kerry: Plus, you were quite nice about me accidentally ramming the jeep into that truck that trucker who gestured at me.

spiffy: I think he wanted to turn left.

Kerry: He was a fat sexist pig. He deserved to be rammed. Although, um, clearly it was entirely unplanned.

spiffy: You trailed him for sixty miles honing the horn, waited until he pulled into a truck stop, chased him across the parking lot, and drove the jeep through the wall into the bar, Kerry.

Kerry: Accidentally. I was actually trying to collapse the porch on him. And as I say, you were very cool about those bikers whose motorcycles we ploughed into.

spiffy: *winces at the memory*

Kerry: Also when the trucker donated his truck to us to replace the jeep that kind of exploded in a fireball as soon as we’d transferred my packages out of it.

spiffy: I still can’t believe he was that generous while they were splinting him to put on the stretcher.

Kerry: Hey, I’ve got the contract napkin right here. By the way, a gentleman would turn to the wall right now.

spiffy: Why?

Kerry: Because I need to dry my hair and this fleapit’s only got one towel.

spiffy, blushing and staring wildly at the peeling cabin-side: Have you ever considered, y’know, wearing a nightie or something to bed?

Kerry: It’s unhygienic. Anyway, I do keep my hairband on for decency’s sake

spiffy: I did buy you that oversized T-shirt in Elk Turd, Missouri, that said “I went to Elk Turd, Missouri, and All I Got Was Ripped Off On The Price of a Crappy T-Shirt.”

Kerry: Yeah, it was too big for me.

spiffy: That was kind of the point.

Kerry: We could both have fitted in it. That was the point?

spiffy: No. No, that’s another mental image I’m not going to spend all night thinking about. Really. Are you in bed yet?

Kerry, making old bedsprings squeak as she climbs under the duvet: Yeah. Well, all the good bits are.

spiffy: Right. *cautiously turns round and picks up can of Dr Pepper again.

Kerry: So… sex.

spiffy, triumphantly waves can: Ah-hah! I was ready for you that time, and so didn’t… *drops can in lap*

Kerry: Tell me about the conquests in the life of a jet-setting superhero Mayor, then.

spiffy, using much-abused towel to mop crotch: Well, if you discount anybody who’s not secretly trying to kill me, or Lisa (who might actually be secretly trying to kill me), or girls who are, y’know, made of glossy paper or on websites, there’s… Well, I don’t have much time, what with all the Mayoring. Really, that’s the reason.

Kerry, watching spiffy sponge his pants: I find that so hard to believe.

spiffy: What about you? You said, um… do you still have a boyfriend?

Kerry, smiling: Oh, spiff, I thought you’d never get round to asking me out.

spiffy: I didn’t mean…

Kerry: But much as I value your friendship, I’m afraid our relationship will have to remain on a platonic level. I belong to another.

spiffy: You do?

Kerry: I mean, unless we get completely drunk on Dr Pepper one night and have wild, uninhibited break-the-furniture sex that takes your breath away and leaves you sore and panting for weeks afterwards. But that wouldn’t mean anything.

spiffy: I don’t think you can get drunk on Dr… I mean, urk!

Kerry: But it was sweet of you to ask. Goodnight.

spiffy: ………….

[just then, newbie-to-the-Parodyverse supervillain Killer Shrike bursts through the wall, sending mock-pine formica boarding spraying everywhere]

Killer Shrike: Aha! Found you, kiddies. Now you both die, and I get the huge extra Killing spiffy Bonus from the League to Impeach Mayor spiffy Foundation.

spiffy: There’s a Foundation now? And hey, since when does Impeach mean Shred With Claws Until Dead?

Killer Shrike: Since they offered two hundred thousand cash.

spiffy: Really? That much?

Killer Shrike: I hear most of your staff chipped in. Anyway, now you die.

Kerry: Hey, if you’re going to take us on in superhero battle could you possibly pass me that Elk Turd oversized T-Shirt first, if that’s okay with you?

Killer Shrike: Urk!

spiffy: *whaps him upside the head with his fern* Ha! Good distraction Kerry, he was completely… urk!

Kerry, slithering into oversized Elk Turd T-Shirt: Wow. I thought you had to drink Dr pepper to go that colour.

spiffy: We’ve… we’ve got to get out of here. We’ve been discovered.

Kerry: I’m sure Pony-Tail Hat Man must have had a rental car or something. Let’s load the packages in that and be on our way. I think that truck was developing a faulty fuel line anyhow.

[Just then Anvil Man smashes through the other wall]

spiffy: There goes our damage deposit.

Kerry, looking at fern, pony tail, and, well, honking big anvil: Why am I the only one without anything attached to the top of my head?

[Gamona, green tattooed assassin lady smashes through yet another wall]

Kerry: Wow. You need this T-shirt more than I do

[Ass-Raping Ninjas of the Ever-Active Hand burst through the fourth wall]

Ninja One: Hello, audience. Liking the story so far?

Kerry: Er, I think that meant that you smashed through the last cabin wall. Which probably means you crept in via the shower. Perverts.

Ninja Two: Hey, have you see our name?

spiffy: Also, since it was the fourth wall it poses the question about what’s keeping the roof up.

[One Wile E. Coyote moment later] *CRUNCH*

spiffy: I think I spilled my Dr Pepper again.

Dancer, appearing on the scene, and seeming a little bit cross: Right. Hello. Everybody line up in order of menace so I can kick somebody’s head in. [Alright, Dancer appears to be quite cross]

Kerry: Uh-oh. Busted!

[To be continued in #8: “I Can Explain Everything But the Exploding Yoghurt”]

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