Tales of the Parodyverse

Dancer/spiffy I Really Can’t Believe We’ve Got to #11 Special: Put down the octopus and step away from the sushi bar or we come in firing.


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Dancer via HH
Fri Dec 12, 2003 at 06:01:32 am EST
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Dancer/spiffy I Really Can’t Believe We’ve Got to #11 Special: Put down the octopus and step away from the sushi bar or we come in firing.

[The scene: Manga crimelord Akiko Masamanune’s pink and lacy secret headquarters, filled with hundreds of macho black-clad ninja types trying not to look embarrassed by all the doilies and throw cushions. There’s also a kidnapped waitress, a kidnapped possibly-fake man, and a kidnapping villain who thinks its scary to dress up as a little hooked toothed-beaked bird. Take a moment to admire the peach and lilac décor and then let’s move on…]

Sarah Shepherdson (kidnapped waitress, 22, 5’8”, 34-22-34): So let me get this right. My little sister has run away with the Mayor of most of America with a stash of stolen and restolen alien weaponry that could devastate half the planet, chased by all major US law enforcement agencies and by most of the super-villains on the planet, heading towards a secret rendezvous with an unknown buyer who will use the equipment to conquer the planet? And she’s doing all of this on a school night?

Visionary (kidnapped possibly fake man, 28, pants size 12 long): Apparently. I blame television.

Akiko Masamune (the pinkest crimelord in the history of crime, 26, eye-size very large): However, we have kidnapped you as hostages to ensure that the child gives up her illicit weaponry on pain of your slow and exquisite torture.

Sarah: I see. And you think that threatening me will actually stop Kerry? You clearly don’t have a sister.

Visionary: Er, excuse me? I hardly know the girl. Why am I being kidnapped and tortured exactly?

Akiko: Because it’s fun. Everybody needs a hobby. Any other questions?

Visionary: Why does that man have a nylon pony tail stapled to the top of his helmet?

Killer Shrike: ……

Sarah: I think we need to find Kerry before she does something we’re going to regret.

Visionary: Other than running off with spiffy?

Killer Shrike: But that’s gotta be a part of the scam, right? I mean she’s hot and he’s… spiffy.

Sarah: Mark is a very nice person when you get to know him. If you can stop him whining about his life. And its not one of his evil doubles.

Visionary: I suppose so. I guess we overlook him, like he’s just another head to water.

Killer Shrike, glaring at Vizh: Can I start with the torture now? I’m willing to do it at discount.

Sarah: Actually, I think we’d better be going, thanks anyway Mr Shrike. We have to find my little sister before she gets into any trouble.

Visionary: Or before spiffy gets her in any trouble.

Akiko: So you don’t count a nationwide manhunt, a quarter-mile crater, and a super-villain war as trouble?

Sarah: With Kerry it’s all relative. And I’m her relative. I’m in loco parentis. That means mad parent.

Visionary: I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, Sarah, but we seem surrounded by very determined-looking ninja warriors. They may have objections to that leaving plan. Also there’s a sort of supervillain gonk unpacking his torture kit.

Killer Shrike: *puts batteries in his mechanised nutcracker*

Sarah: Not to worry. I’m sure Fleabot secretly stowed away on your shoulder and has been transmitting a signal beacon ever since you got to Ms Akiko’s beautifully-appointed supervillain hideout. The nicest and most tasteful I’ve ever seen, by the way, Ms Akiko. I love the frills.

Akiko: Thank you. I’m sorry about the torture thing. Not that sorry though. Commence.

[Wall bursts apart, as superheroes make traditional full-page splash entry to deal with villain]

Yo, leaping across the room and hurling himself at Vizh: Visiiiiiiiii!!!!

Visionary: Ouch.

Robo-Donar: Ho, felons! Bring forth thy Ninja ass for the kicking of mine footeth. Click. *Leaps forward to length of power cord, then falls over as he pulls it out of the wall*

NTU-150: Crap. I have got to get a longer lead on that model. Ah well, back to the delta-wave matter liquidifier. *holds up Bautista Enterprises alarm clock* Put down the octopus and step away from the sushi bar or we come in firing.

Lisa: We’ve come to rescue Sarah.

Visionary: Hello? And me?

Lisa: We all have to be willing to sacrifice our lives for the greater good, Visionary. Sorry, that’s just the breaks.

Killer Shrike: If I have to take those guys on I demand a losing-cred-battling-geeks bonus.

Lisa: Nice hat, cred-boy.

NTU-150: Hand over the hostages, or we plug Donar back in.

Lisa: So you’re saying the big guy now comes plug-innable? And… programmable?

Robo-Donar: Urketh! Click.

Visionary: Hey, back to the rescue, please. Only I didn’t have time for a bathroom visit before the kidnapping.

Yo: Hey? Where is to being cute-Sarah? She is not to be being found.

[But having worked out the plot, Dancer is already on her way to find and deal with her wayward sister and the man who led her astray]

To be continued in what is hopefully our heartbreaking second-to-last chapter, titled “Nobody loves me and my fern doesn’t understand me”.



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