Posted by special guest writer, the Hooded Hood. Tremble with fear. on September 29, 2001 at 06:47:17:
Dancer/Donar Anniversary Spectacular #14 – Bride and Doom
Lost in the woods…
spiffy, to crinkly old guy at the gas station: Hi. I was wondering if we
could get directions here. We’re kind of lost.
Crinkly old guy (puts down copy of Children of the Corn): Wassat? Lost you
say? Strayed off the main route back art intersection 666?
spiffy: We meant to turn off. We’re looking for a house somewhere near here.
Crinkly old guy: Ain’t no houses near here, boy. Ain’t nothing but miles and
miles of uncharted forest. Like I said to those three kids that wanted to make a
movie about the Darkness Witch.
dull thud: Excuse me. Can I ask why the hell I’m here? I mean, I can
die quite easily enough in Paradopolis.
spiffy: Because you owed me a favour, and you haven’t paid for the last case
the Banjooooo and spiffy Detective Agency did for you – or, as I like to call
it, the spiffy and Banjoooo Detective Agency. And because I needed a partner for
this case, and Banjooooo is busy questing for his girlfriend.
dull thud: Yeah. I spend a lotta time doing that, but they always seem
to escape.
spiffy: No, he Has a girlfriend, but he has to do these tests of… aw,
never mind. We’ll detail all that stuff if Banj ever gets back to being a
regular poster. I just needed someone to help out with the driving up to the old
Darkness place, and since neither of us has a capital letter in our names it
seemed a natural team-up.
dull thud: Even though your Detective Agency didn’t solve my case and
I don’t have a US driving license.
spiffy: Yeah well, I don’t have one either. Or a car for that matter. But I’m
sure Visionary won’t mind. It’s for a good cause.
Crinkly old man: Did I hear you say you’re actually looking for
Covenant House. For the Darkness Witch?
dull thud: Yeah. But we don’t want to make movies. We just want to ask
her a few questions. Starting with why she doesn’t have a telephone.
Crinkly old man: Then I guess you haven’t heard the stories about these four
kids and a dog who went looking for her in their psychedelic van? Last I heard
they were trapped in some cartoon series forever.
spiffy: We’ve got to find her. Apparently she made some prophesy to this
extradimensional alternate counterpart of my evil twin that he has to get
married to a Legionnaire by tomorrow or die.
dull thud: I hate when that happens.
Crinkly old man: ………
spiffy: So as you can see, we have to find Hagatha Darkness.
dull thud: And her granddaughter can’t give directions worth the
napkin they’re written on.
Crinkly old guy: So you’re investigating Bubba, are you?
spiffy: You bet. I don’t want any of the LL to have to marry him, not even
Nats, and… hey, wait a minute! How did you know his name?
At this point, the old gas station decloaks and transforms into a futuristic
flying saucer.
spiffy and thud: No! No! Not the probes!
Meanwhile, in the Brushing Bride Boutique at the Paradopolis Mall…
Ziles: This is not a good way to decide who marries Bubba.
Sorceress: Why not? it worked for Cinderella. Whoever this wedding dress fits best should marry him.
Troia: I see. And tell us again why you aren’t taking part in this lottery?
Sorceress: Because I’m already spoken for. Besides, I’ve lost count of the number of stories where I’m going to get impregnated to save the world.
Dancer: That’s true. And the rest of us are willing to sacrifice ourselves to save the lives of innocents, right? Right? Ladies? Girls?
Troia: If Whitney’s spoken for then I’m spoken for.
Valeria, present only as a witness since she isn’t eligible to save Bubba as she isn’t a Legionnaire: Oh, this is so romantic. I always cry at betrothals.
Ziles: If you’re spoken for, why aren’t you actually speaking to the person who is doing the speaking?
Troia: It’s an Amazon thing.
Dancer: I don’t think it’s limited to Amazons. However, I don’t think Troia can be included in Sorcy’s contest.
Valeria: Why not? She would look so wonderful with a bouquet attached to her spear.
Dancer: Well, if I’ve got my continuity straight, Bubba is an alternate dimension counterpart to spiffy’s evil mirror opposite, who once came to the Parodyverse as part of the Anti-League and stuck around for a while to court Lisa and irritate Jarvis and Donar, right?
Ziles: If he’s spiffy’s counterpart, how can Bubba be so hunky and good looking?
Dancer: Hey, don’t forget that Dark Thugos started as a spiffy substitute too. And he doesn’t exactly look like spiffy, does he?
Troia: less zits, more gravelly grey skin, you mean? And less annoying.
Dancer: Anyway, as everybody who has read and memorised every single chapter of Untold Tales of the Lair Legion knows, spiffy and Troia are actually twins, separated in infancy by their father the Hooded Hood and raised separately in two different times. So that kind of makes Bubba and Troia cousins or something.
Sorceress: Well, my great grandfather was also my great great grandfather and my great great great grandfather and so on. And he was a demon from hell.
Valeria: That is so romantic too.
Ziles: Alright, then Troia isn’t eligible. In that case I don’t think I am either.
Dancer: Aw c’mon, Ziles. You were willing to give your all to save lives back when there was that stuff in the Fuzzy Bunnies RR where your nonexistant brother Niles used the Pregnancy gun on you and…
Ziles: But that’s it. It was my turn last time. You only had to marry ManMan, and you didn’t even have to go to bed with anyone. Not that I had to go to bed with Finny in the end. No sir. I want to be perfectly clear on that matter.
Dancer, Sorceress, Troia, and Valeria: Uh huh.
Sorceress: Just try the dress on, folks. If it turns out to fit Ziles best then I can always turn it silver.
Ziles: Oh, and I’m supposed to go into a marriage lottery against somebody called the Probability Dancer?
Dancer: Ziles, you don’t think I’d use my chance-altering powers on something like this, do you?
Ziles: That’s what I’d do.
Dancer smiles.
And back in the Lair Mansion, where Bubba is sat in an armchair flanked by a fully-powered-up NTU-150 and an equally powered up Goldeneyed, while Trickshot sits across the room with a nocked arrow…
Bubba: Is this really necessary?
Donar: He spoketh! What hast I warned him about speaking? Now I shalt smite him for the nonce.
Visionary: Easy, big guy. Try not to break any more furniture. Finny’s going to have a hard time explaining the sideboard to the insurance people as it is.
Donar: Mayhap Enty canst mend yon lounge accoutrement.
Trickshot: Sure. As soon as Nats fishes it out of the Atlantic Ocean.
Donar: Yon Bubba didst vex me sorely.
Bubba: I was only breathing.
Donar: Tis enow.
Goldeneyed: Maybe I’m missing a chapter here. I mean, what has this guy done that was so bad?
Vizh: Well, I guess in retrospect it wasn’t that bad, but back before Lisa was retconned to be Jarvis’ brother we all felt pretty strongly about Bubba here stealing her away from him. And before that there was how he interfered with spiffy being the tyrant of France, and then… um, actually, now that I say this out loud these days…
G-Eyed: You old timers really knew how to live, didn’t you?
Donar: He art a vile seducer who dost once more seek to force himself upon the innocent virtue of our womenfolk.
Trickshot: I thought that was me?
NTU-150: I think it’s a bit of a stretch to accuse him of forcing Lisa’s innocent virtue. I mean, if he’s guilty of that so is most of North America.
Bubba: Look, I was perfectly happy to keep away for as long as I could. Then one day, bang! The prophesy.
Nats, flying in: Hey, do any of you guys know anything about a big star hanging over the Lair Mansion?
Bubba, spotting the glares: It wasn’t me.
Fin Fang Foom, striding in with Hatman: Alright, I’ve heard from spiffy. Bubba’s clean. His story about Hagatha checks out.
Donar: Yon coat rack was certain? There art no way this is a fell plot for this felon to get himself into the underwear of our womenfolk once more?
Dark Knight: I’ll go check the voice analysis on spiffy’s message again. His voice sounded a little high to me.
Bubba: Look, I didn’t know Troia was your girlfriend. And we were only drinking coffee. And besides, I hear she doesn’t wear underwear.
Donar: Raaaaggghhhh!
Finny, holding back a frothing Ausgardian: Okay, G-Eyed, get Bubba to a guest room. Enty, industrial-sized Valium for the thunder god. Stat.
Sorceress, returning with Ziles, Troia, and Dancer: Well we’ve talked it over, and we have a candidate.
Bubba: You have? Someone will do it? Er, I mean, somebody will wed me and become my precious treasure to save me from this terrible curse?
Dancer: I want a proper wedding, with all the trimmings.
Hatman: I have a veil in this extradimensional pocket somewhere… (catches Sorceress’ gaze) It’s headgear, okay! Who knows when I might need the power of a bride to… um… I’ve got to go now.
Troia: And the bridesmaids get to carry spears.
The groom is alone in his room at last. He conducts a sensor sweep to neutralise any listening devices before opening up a communications device that will not be invented for another thousand years.
Bubba: Come in, base. This is your master speaking. Can you receive me?
Damandblast Base, orbiting in cloak five hundred miles above Paradopolis: Receiving you loud and clear, master. What is your status?
Bubba: Engaged to be married, actually. Nobody here suspects my little plan to kidnap the Probability Dancer, and everybody thinks I really am Bubba. Their puny scientific and mystical probes are as nothing to a genius from the fortieth century. And this time tomorrow poor Sarah will be in my ruthless, evil grasp, and the world will belong to me… Wang the Conqueror!
Next? Well, next Donar has to do a chapter (according to Shep), and then she will bring this tale to its terrible conclusion. spiffy would like it understood that the villain of this story isn’t Bubba, never was Bubba, and won’t turn out to be Bubba. Bubba is elsewhere. Bubba isn’t here. It’s not him. The rectal probes are real though. Will the Lair Legion discover the truth about Wang the Conqueror in time? Will Dancer wear white at her wedding? Will Donar still get angry and grumpy when he knows he’s up against a mass-murdering space tyrant from the future rather than Bubba? Tune in and find out in Dancer/Donar #15, coming soon!