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Dancer doesn't give in
Fri Apr 16, 2004 at 12:55:52 pm EDT
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Dancer/spiffy Does Anyone Even Remember This Plot Now Special #13: Nobody Loves me and My Fern Doesn’t Understand Me
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[Imagine one of those montage sequences like they do on shows like Buffy and Angel. You know, we see a few random clips with one-liners and we’re supposed to work out the plot from them. Like this:

Mr Polecat: Urk. We were just trying to do our job, Mr Mayor – protecting you from that paternity suit and all the bad publicity and stuff.

Kerry: Anyway, I was pretty sure that if you hadn’t been a spineless wimp when it comes to talking to girls you’d have said I could drop in anytime and you’d be ready to help me.

Dark Knight: Hmp. Well, I don’t have time to stand around here looming all day. Can’t find the kids just now. I’m still working on tracking that shipment of illegal alien combat weaponry left over from Dark Thugos’ Battleworld assault that was stolen last night. It’s gotta be still in the city cause all vehicles leaving have been searched, except for… official… government… limos…

Kerry: And I’ll be certain to tell everybody that you didn’t take advantage of me or take naked photos of me or sell me to men at truckstops. Just as long as you get us to Tombstone first.

Count Armageddon: Ah, you propose we capture the waitress and force her to tell us the truth about this Kerry, her former boyfriend, and the feckless fool with frond? And that will in turn help us to locate Count Fokker’s missing apparatus.

Sarah: Hi, mom. You know you used to have two daughters…?

Librarian: Does anyone realise I haven’t had a single line in this story yet?

Kerry: But much as I value your friendship, I’m afraid our relationship will have to remain on a platonic level. I belong to another.

Anvil Man: All right, I’ll talk! All of us were hired by different criminal bosses to try an’ find spiffy and his chick and get back the alien weaponry he’s smuggling, right? And maybe divert the weaponry to our respective bosses as well, yeah?

Nats: Personal hygiene problems? Who says I have personal hygiene problems? Stop looking at my armpits, dammit!!

Killer Shrike, banging head on cockpit: Right. We're going to Akiko Masamune. She wants to question you about your sister's association with teenage international arms terrorist Roddy O'Brady, and where's she's meeting up with him to hand over the stolen munitions.

Sarah: Aha! The plot progresses! Who'd have thought that Kerry's ex-boyfriend was a teenage international arms terrorist?

Roddy O’Brady, teenage international arms terrorist, climbing into the cockpit: Hey, cutie, so you finally got here!

Kerry, leaping into his arms: I sure did, baby. I brought the weapons just like you wanted. Now we make the sale to Balefire so he can conquer the planet and we live happily ever after, right?

So that makes the whole story clear, now, right? So let’s get back to that bit where spiffy gets hit over the head by the treacherous Kerry…

Kerry: *Leans over and gives Mark a scorching kiss that nearly sets the chair on fire* Thanks, lover.

spiffy: *swallows hard, remembers to breath, checks his tongue is still attached* Wow. Kerry that was…

Kerry: *clobbers spiffy over the head with a laser-death cannon* Yeah, it was kinda. Sorry, Mark.

Yes, that was a good bit. Let’s hit him again…

Kerry: *clobbers spiffy over the head with a laser-death cannon* Yeah, it was kinda. Sorry, Mark.

And again…

Kerry: *clobbers spiffy over the head with a laser-death cannon* Yeah, it was kinda. Sorry, Mark.

Sorry, getting carried away there. Bad week at work or something. Repressed violent tendencies…

Kerry: *clobbers spiffy over the head with a laser-death cannon* Yeah, it was kinda. Sorry, Mark.

Damn, it just slipped out. Oh well, that’s life. Anyway, enough recap already. We have a square bracket we haven’t even closed yet. So let’s get right onto that… ]

[Phew]

[Damn, going to need another closed bracket now…]

[The Scene: The ruins of old Tombstone, site of the illegal-weapons-sale of the decade. We have Roddy O’Brady, International Teenage Arms terrorist, his moll (or possibly given her age his mollette) Kerry “I’m Only Doing This To Irritate My Big Sister” Shepherdson, and the unconscious spiffy.

Here’s what happened to spiffy…

Kerry: *clobbers spiffy over the head with a laser-death cannon* Yeah, it was kinda. Sorry, Mark.]

Roddy: You did pretty good, Kerry babe. You duped that weed sucker to smuggle the munitions out of Gothametropolis, hid out despite every super-villain and law enforcer in the country looking for you, and got the arms to me for the big payoff when Balefire and his boys get here. And you even managed to frame spiffy for it all.

Kerry: Yes.

Roddy: What, that bothers you? He’s a loser dweeb, king of the loser dweebs. Now c’mere and give me some sugar.

Kerry: Nu-uh. Remember our deal, Roddy O’Brady. You don’t get access all areas till I get what you promised me.

Roddy: A big bang for a big bang? Honey, after this deal is over I swear I’ll take you to Disneyland.

Kerry: With fifteen hundred pounds of Semtex and an array of shaped timing charges?

Roddy: And a souvenir set of mouse ears to burn afterwards.

Kerry: It sure sounds good the way you tell it, Roddy… but if you slip that hand one inch lower I’m going to napalm your fingers.

Roddy: Well damn it Kerry, we have to do something to keep from getting bored before the buyers arrive. How about we torture spiffy?

Kerry: No.

Roddy: No? That’s it? No? No clever witty comeback? No banter? No smart, cynical post-modern hip-chick action-junkie patter?

Kerry: No. Mark is a good guy, and I don’t want him to get hurt.

Roddy: Except that you did just clobber spiffy over the head with a laser-death cannon.

Kerry: It wasn’t personal. And I didn’t want him to get, y’know, more hurt.

spiffy, choosing this dramatically relevant moment to regain consciousness: Nuuurrrghhhh….

Roddy, gagging the already-tied-up hero: We’re gonna have to kill him anyway, to cover our tracks. We’ll make it look like the weapons deal went wrong. Blow him apart with the very protonic decimator he was peddling to Balefire.

spiffy: Nuhhhh? Nnn nnnnuh nuuuuuuuh nuhhh!!!

Kerry: Hey! You never said Mark was going to get killed! I thought I was just destroying his reputation and breaking his heart.

spiffy: ……

Roddy: Too bad, babe. I knew if I told you the whole plan you wouldn’t go for it. You’re soft. I like that about you – well that and the cut-off t-shirts. But you don’t get to be an international teenage arms dealer like me by letting sentiment get in the way of international teenage arms dealing.

Kerry: Oh please, not the origin flashbacks. It’s bad enough we keep reliving that bit where clobber spiffy over the head with a laser-death cannon.

Roddy: Yeah, that was a good bit.

spiffy: nhhhh nit nnnasssnntt!

Roddy: Hey, frondy! I’m gonna blow you and your freaky weed ass across the desert for a hundred miles, then I’m gonna slip some serious tongue to my hot delinquent girlfriend! Whatta you to say about that?

spiffy: n&**^$! Nnnn£*^&%!!!

Kerry: Leave him alone, or you’re not slipping anything anywhere! I told you, we don’t hurt Mark. Well, apart from leaving him wanted by the CIA, the FBI, Interpol, SPUD, OPS, IRS and the Boy Scouts, ripping his heart out and leaving him a used and shattered wreck of a human being, and clobbering him over the head with a laser-death cannon…. Um, that is pretty hard on him, really, isn’t it?

spiffy: Nssss.

Roddy, strapping on Deathworld combat armour and nuclear cannons for demonstration purposes: You actually like him? * has suspicious idea * Hey, you and he didn’t…

Kerry, tossing back her hair defiantly: And if we did? There’s something really sensual about rolling naked and wanton on a bed of ferns, don’t you think?

spiffy: Nrrrrkkkk!!!

Roddy: What?! What??? But you said I would be the one…

Kerry: Well, you know, we were on the road together all that time, spiff and me, in close quarters, having to share the only towel, the whole world against us. And you were flying out here in your private jet, leaving all the hard stuff to me. Who’d have thought that being with the good guy would end up with me… being with the good guy?

spiffy: Nrrrr!! Nrrrrrthnggg nnnapppennnddd!! Niii nvvrrr nnnouched nrrr!!

Roddy, cycling up the cannon and aiming it at spiffy’s head: Right, that does it. He dies, that lousy seducing towel-sharing lowlife…

Kerry: No! I mean it, Roddy. You harm on hair on, er leaf on his head and you can forget Operation Mickey. You can forget blowing up anything to impress me. You can forget any kind of blowing.

Roddy: Hey, look, babe, you seem to forget who’s the one with the Deathworld combat armour and nuclear cannons. You better start rethinking how nice you are to me before I start thinking maybe you’re expendable like fern-o.

Kerry, dangerously: Are you threatening me, Roddy O’Brady? Because I don’t like being threatened and coerced, even by an international teenage arms terrorist with sexy stubble.

Roddy, pointing Deathworld combat armour nuclear cannons at his uncooperative girlfriend: So?

Kerry, flushing: Right then. In that case I guess I’m now officially your uncooperative ex-girlfriend.

Roddy: Really? We’re here alone and I’m one of the most powerful guys on the planet. You’re a hot teenage kid a looong way from home. Who’s not going to have fun with that?

Kerry: spiffy didn’t. He was a perfect gentleman.

Roddy: Then spiffy’s…

spiffy: Not tied up. spiffy’s not tied up. Kerry tied my hands and feet but she didn’t tie up the fern.

Roddy: …..

Kerry: It was an oversight, that’s all. It doesn’t mean I like you or anything, Mark. I did clobber you over the head with a laser-death cannon.

Roddy: So you’re standing up to defend the honour of the little tramp tease who dragged you halfway cross-country, tricked you into breaking half a dozen federal laws that’ll get you the electric chair, betrayed you to her international teenage arms dealer boyfriend…

Kerry: Ex-boyfriend.

Roddy: And you’re going to get in the way of me teaching her a much-deserved lesson about her place in life even though I’ve got indestructible Deathworld combat gear and enough firepower to wipe out a small country?

spiffy: That’s what I like to hear. A villain who can summarise plot and motivation without referring to himself in the third person. Do you know how rare that is?

Kerry: Not as rare as a man who does what’s right because it’s… right. *stares defiantly at Roddy* I think I’m entering into a new phase of my teen rebellion. I’ve outgrown cheesy international teenage arms dealers, no matter how big they claim their cannons are.

Roddy: I don’t really care what you think, baby. I got the firepower here to do whatever I like, and if I want your virtue I’ll have it!

spiffy: Virtue? Kerry, you have virtue?

Kerry, blushing: Shut up! I keep trying to get rid of it, but the guys are so… breakable and flammable. If you tell anybody I’ve got virtue I’ll break and flame you.

Roddy, cycling up weapons array: I’m not going to kill spiffy right away. I’ll cripple him so he can see what I’m doing to you but can’t do anything but beg for me to stop. That’s pretty international teenage arms-dealery, wouldn’t you say?

spiffy: Only one step away from third-person-speaking. Kerry, get behind me and I’ll try and protect you.

Kerry: Nah. I may have been a lovestruck rebellious idiot but I do know what a master-fuse looks like *holds up master fuse from Deathworld combat armour* It looks like this.

Roddy: The Deathworld combat armour master fuse? But without that this Deathworld combat armour won’t be able to fight!

spiffy: Oh. Shame that. *Does unpleasant things to Deathworld combat armour and to Roddy that involve Deathworld combat armour ending up in pieces across three miles of desert around Tombstone*

Kerry: Mark, don’t hurt him!

spiffy: What? I thought you were over this international teenage…

Kerry: Oh, sure. He’s yesterday’s news. But I need to do this! *clobbers Roddy over the head with a laser-death cannon* There, that’s better.

spiffy: Right. Well, rather him than me. Now we just need to sort out that little matter of being wanted by so many law agencies that they’re probably having to create some new ones just to have enough to hunt us and then…

Balefire, making dramatic appearance: And then give me my weapons cache and die!

spiffy: Ah.

Count Fokker, making another dramatic appearance: Your weapons cache? I think you’ll find it’s my weapons cache, you cheating sneak-thief!

MODEM, making yet another dramatic appearance: Actually, the weapons-cache now belongs to me!

spiffy: Er…

Balefire: Hah! But I brought along my as-yet-unnamed band of powerful but eccentric super-villains to back up my claim!

Count Fokker: So? I brought along the numberless hordes of HERPES. Hail HERPES! Apply penicillin but another bit will drop off within weeks!

Kerry: HERPES? He really needs to shoot his PR people.

MODEM: Bah! I have brought along the finest legions of BALD, our mighty Tech-Death Squads!

Akiko Masamune, making her own dramatic if slightly pink appearance: I have brought in my clans of killer ninjas.

The Lynchpin, making a heavy dramatic appearance: Gamona, send in the patois-speaking street hoodlums!

Count Armageddon, making yet another dramatic appearance: There are over a hundred science villains working for me in Badripoor. And here they are!

The Hooded Hood, making the most dramatic appearance of the lot of them, just to show he can: Good evening.

Everybody: …….

The Hooded Hood: Carry on. That is all. *vanishes again*

Akiko: You have to admit, that was pretty dramatic.

Kerry: You’re all here for these lethal alien weapons! But they won’t get them, only over spiffy’s dead body!

spiffy: Thanks, Kerry. Er, guys… and Ms Akiko… couldn’t we just…

Killer Shrike: Right! Frag his leafy ass!

Kerry: Uh-oh. Now we’re in trouble!

spiffy: What, we’re surrounded by Balefire’s minions, the hordes of HERPES, the agents of BALD, Masamune’s assassins, the Lynchpin’s goons, Armageddon’s science villains, and you’re worried about some guy with a fun fur glued to his hat?

Kerry: No, not that. That!

Dancer, making a late dramatic appearance, rolling up leotard sleeves: Right….

spiffy: Ah.

To be concluded (soon maybe???) in the forthcoming Dancer/spiffy #14: “Please tell me that this is all a nightmare and when I wake up I’ll be in the shower. Without Kerry.”




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