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Post By Dancer is free at last! Free!! Sat Aug 14, 2004 at 10:37:18 am EDT |
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Dancer/spiffy This Started So Long Ago spiffy Used To Read These Special #15 :-) : Please Tell Me That This Is All a Nightmare and When I Wake Up I’ll Be In the Shower. Without Kerry. | |
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Dancer/spiffy This Started So Long Ago spiffy Used To Read These Special #15
: Please Tell Me That This Is All a Nightmare and When I Wake Up I’ll Be In the Shower. Without Kerry.(There's links to the other chapters at the bottom. I'd hate anybody to be confused by the plot
)[The Story So Far: In a burst of rash enthusiasm about a year an a half ago, Dancer started this long multi-part story where her little sister Kerry tricked spiffy into running away with a big load of alien weaponry. Neither of them knew it was rigged to blow up the planet when it was first used. Most of the villains on the planet want the weapons to do bad things with. Most of the heroes on the planet want Kerry and spiffy to do bad things to. Most of the villains on the planet have just found Kerry and spiffy. Dancer has just found Kerry, spiffy, and the villains. This sounds like a last chapter to me
][The Scene: The hordes of HERPES, the tech death squads of BALD, the Badripoor science villains, the Manga Ninjas, the Lynchpin hoodlums, and a busload of lost Japanese tourists on their way to a pro-am golf tournament all look at Dancer as she stalks towards them, rolling her leotard sleeves up.]
Kerry: Fire, spiff! We can still take her down before she gets here!
spiffy: But she’s your sister. Or your sister Sarah’s friend. It varies and I get confused.
Kerry: Easily. C’mon, it’s either blow her out of existence of I get grounded for months.
Count Fokker, supreme grand master of the heaving hordes of HERPES: Do not seek to interfere, Probability Dancer, for you meddle in things that are not…
Dancer: *whack*
Count Fokker: *thud*
MODEM, brain-machine of the mad scientists of BALD: Beware, for the matchless might of the Brotherhood of Anaarchy-Loving Dweebs is not to be…
Dancer: *crunch*
MODEM: *bounce*
BALD minion: I’m pretty sure that’s not our acronym.
Other BALD minion: Who cares. The big potato-head’s on the floor drooling now. Coffee break?
Balefire: You may have stopped the others Dancer, but…
Dancer: *squish*
Thighmaster: Hey, you’re supposed to be a one of the good guys, you can’t just…
Dancer: *thwap*
Lynchpin: Bah! Gamona, gather our thugs and…
Dancer: *glares*
Lynchpin: …assemble them on the bus, please. It’s a long way back to Gothametropolis and I’m getting hungry.
Akiko Masamune: My ninjas, go steal that bus before fat boy and his men get there. This isn’t going according to plan. Time to appear in somebody else’s story, I think.
Japanese Tourist 1: Are you sure the one in the leotard is Jack Nicklaus?
Japanese Tourist 2: Didn’t he just scare off Colin Montgomery?
Count Armageddon: You may scare these lesser beings, Dancer, but I was a ruler in the Technoverse before you ever…
Dancer: *pow*
Count Armageddon: *smash* [sends Dancer flying backwards across the desert, stunned]
Count Armageddon: …climbed into those fetching pink leggings. And now you die.
Kerry: Hey! He hit Dancer! spiffy, kill him!
spiffy: I, um, I thought you wanted me to shoot Dancer?
Kerry: Sure, I’m allowed to shoot her, but no big bully’s going to hurt her! Get him!
spiffy, grabbing major archvillain with his fern and slamming him in a big arc to the ground: Okay. And what about the hundred supervillains he’s got working with him that I’ve just pissed off?
Kerry: We’ll think of something.
Count Armageddon, getting up unscratched: Kill them all.
Dancer, getting up less than unscratched but even crosser: Right. Enough. spiffy, give him the damn weaponry.
Kerry: That’s what I’ve been saying. Give it to ‘em, Mark!
Dancer: No! Just hand it over. Let them take it.
spiffy: Surrender?
Kerry: You said never surrender. Not unless they buy you a really nice dinner first.
Dancer: I didn’t say surrender, spiffy. *pirouettes*
Kerry: Uh-oh. She’s got that borrowed-my-mascara-without-asking look on. spiffy, does your fern teleport at all?
spiffy: No. It, um, it might be able to manage a really fast blast trench?
Kerry: Sounds lovely. Now.
Count Armageddon, taking possession of the Deathworld kit: Mine! The weapons are mine! With this technology I can rule the world.
Dancer: Hmm. Trouble with these cheap foreign imports is they don’t come with a guarantee.
[And then we have the multi-million pound effects budget explosions. First the phase coil rectifier shorts out on the plasmastream vortexrifle. That sets off the multiphase decoupler coils and then cascades along the transpondic rectifier to detonate the nuklogeneric storage units. Ask Al B. if you need the math on this one. The improbable upshot is a catastrophic equipment failure of NTU-150ian proportions while Armageddon and his lackeys are gloating over the weapons they’re holding.]
Count Armageddon, looking a bit like Wile E Coyote after the TNT has gone boom: …..
Dancer: And be glad I was being nice. If I hadn’t channelled most of that blast off into space we’d be down by one hemisphere right now.
Killer Shrike: I have got to start wearing brown uniform pants. *runs*
Dancer: As for the rest of you, you can try to fight if you want, but here come the Lair Legion and the League of Regulars. And the JBH. And the Abandoned Legion. And the Globetrotting Gangbusters. And the Fruity Four. And the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Count Armageddon: …..
Villains in general: *shake fists and retreat, cursing, and swearing vengeance of spiffy*
Dancer, going over to spiffy and Kerry: So…
Kerry, smiling manically: Ah, you discovered our, um, our plan to throw you a secret birthday party, did you? *gestured round to devastated desert of Tombstone, Arizona* Surprise!
spiffy: I can explain everything, Dancer. Well, some things. *sighs* I give up. Just take me to prison.
Kerry: He did save my life though. And he kept me safe. And, y’know, really when you think about it I should have been supervised more properly by my designated guardian.
spiffy: I’d be safer locked in a prison cell. Really.
Kerry: You’d do well there. You’re a good kisser.
Dancer: …..
[The Lair Legion and LoR arrive. You can assume the others are there as well but we really don’t have the guest star budget after all those big explosions]
Yo: Is to be wonderful to be seeing cute-Kerry and cute-spiffy to not yet be ripped to pieces by Dancer!
Trickshot: Hey, there wus a battle and I missed it! This story just sucks.
Visionary: Dancer looks very stressed. It’s wonderful to see somebody else dumped with all the problems for once.
CSFB!: Hey spiff, way to run off with a hot underaged teen weapons smuggler!
Hatman: Now I’m going to have to take you into custody, spiffy. Nothing personal.
Dancer: Wait! It… it seems as though spiffy and Kerry have been undercover – stop snickering Trickshot – undercover breaking up a major arms deal and… and saving the planet. Really. Yes, that is what they were doing.
Kerry: We totally saved it! Plus there was this awesomely cool explosion. Count Armageddon went up like a Roman Candle!
spiffy: Wait… we’re heroes? Yeah, we’re heroes. Totally undercover – stop snickering CSFB!
Kerry: We should be given a big reward and a tickertape parade.
Dancer: Don’t push it, Kerry.
[And later, after all the plot stuff gets sorted out, and spiffy’s finished his three days of interviews by various law enforcement acronyms]
spiffy: Ah, back to my own office at last.
Just-Call-Me-Ed: You’ve been out, sir?
spiffy: Grrr *head to his office* Well, at least that’s over. Now I can get back to being assassinated for being omni-Mayor. No more wild adventures with crazy Anglo-Irish chicks.
Kerry, waiting for him laid out along the desk: None at all? And here was little me just getting bored being grounded all the time. Mark? Mark? Hey, spiffy, come back…!
Kerry, smiling to herself: I have so got him.
[The End
]____
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special Limited Trashcan Edition #1 & 2 (by Dancer) So there spiffy is, quietly being overwhelmed by the humdrum life of omni-mayor. And then he gets a surprise visitor...
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #3: True Love Knows No Boundaries (Or Federal State Line Child Kidnapping Laws) Dancer hunts for her little sister and the bastard who ran off with her - and that means the rest of the Parodyverse's heroes get roped in too.
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #4: It's Either the Flames of Passion or Somebody has Torched the Motel Kerry and spiffy's midnight adventures in the no-tell motel. Oo-er!
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #5: I Want spiffy So Dead That All His Other Deaths Seem Like a Head Cold The supervillains gather to discuss what unspeakable things to do to the fern wielder, and other fun pastimes.
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #6: Freinds You Choose, Families Are Hereditary (by Dancer) Dancer explains to her mother why Kerry has run off with spiffy. Then there's light relief in the form of a super-villain.
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #7: Why Am I The Only One Without Anything Attached to the Top of My Head? spiffy struggles to cope with things like being wanted by the FBI, Kerry's towel, and major supervillain attacks.
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #8: I Can Explain Everything But the Frozen Yoghurt The Lair Legion track down spiffy and Kerry, only to find things have escalated.
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #9: I Thought I Was Pretty Safe Just Sitting Quietly Far Away in Dullard's Corner It's a Dancer story, so sooner or later she's going to rope poor Visionary into it, right? Right..
The Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #10: We're Pleased To Announce That Orders Have Been Given To Shoot spiffy On Sight Like the Rabid Dog He Is spiff and Kerry get to their destination, and the plot unfolds like a mouldy z-bed.
Dancer/spiffy I Really Can’t Believe We’ve Got to #11 Special: Put down the octopus and step away from the sushi bar or we come in firing. Sarah gets rescued by a massive host of guest stars and more fun is made of Killer Shrike's head decoration.
There is no #12. Shep miscounted. Silly Shep.
Dancer/spiffy Does Anyone Even Remember This Plot Now Special #13: Nobody Loves me and My Fern Doesn’t Understand Me spiffy faces heartbreak and headache as Kerry's secret is revealed.
Dancer/spiffy Unexpected Additional Chapter That Just Insisted It Be Told Special #14
: You Wouldn’t Get Me To Take Payment in Hog-Groats If You Glued Them To Your Sister and Dropped Her In a Vat of Frimblesauce! Before we get to the end we pause and take a look at some of the backstory because Shep just couldn't face sitting down to do a conclusion.
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