Lair Legion Special Ultimate Edition #1:
The Old Order
a round robin story in need of conclusion
The Chronicler of Stories sat with his feet in a bucket of water with a towel wrapped over his head and moaned.
"It's your own fault," the Shaper of Worlds told him unsympathetically, clattering a bit too much as she swept away the debris of broken realities. "It's your job to keep this kind of stuff from blowing up in our faces."
"Thank you for your support," the Chronicler muttered acidly. "I'll remember it the next time you jump into bed with the next guy who gets you drunk in a bar and walks off with your continuities."
"At least I didn't let reality get so bent that the Powers were considering a reboot," snapped back the Shaper. She caught herself and took a deep breath. "Look, it's been a helluva night. Let's just review what happened, learn some lessons, and see what we can do about fixing things, okay?"
The Chronciler wrapped the towel tighter and vomited into the basin his feet soaked in.
"Right," Shaper pressed on. I guess the blame starts with Nats..."
This message Lair Legion Special #1: The Old Order Changes! was posted by Nats, Fin Fang Foom, and Goldeneyed on Monday, April 1, 2002 at 16:15.
Lair Legion Special #1: The Old Order Changes!
Part One: The Call
"It feels weird," Visionary said, sitting down in the same couch he always preferred, back in the day.
"What does?" Bill Reed, aka Nats, the flying delivery boy, asked him, as he plopped himself in a recliner across from the possibly fake man.
"Being back in the Lair Legion," Vizh answered, looking around the living room. "I mean, I was so used to not being on the team, and I was nice and relaxed, and then Finny calls me."
"It's not like you're leader again," Nats shrugged.
"Don't remind him," said Fleabot, Visionary's micro-robot companion. "He still has nightmares about it."
"Um, is everyone here?" Ziles asked loudly so that everyone in the room could hear her. "Because, um, Finny has a few words to say to everyone."
Goldeneyed looked around. "Everyone that was on the list, and agreed to be here, seems to have shown up." He counted again just to be sure.
"Good," the Xnylonian nodded. Then she whispered to someone behind a door.
A draconian head popped out. "Hi," Fin Fang Foom smiled sheepishly. "For those of you that are new, welcome to the Lair Legion. And for those that were here last time, bear with me. And for Visionary, please try not to distract us by escaping."
The Makluan cleared his throat as he stood in front of the assemblage of heroes. "As you know by now, the new line-up consists of Ziles, Nats, Goldeneyed, Falcon, Manga Shoggoth, Cobra, Visionary, Space Ghost, and myself," he stated. "Hatman and Sorceress decided to improve their relationship by spending some time away from the team."
"How come Cheryl and I never got that?" Visionary complained.
"Exile chose to take a leave of abscence to get his life back together," Finny continued, "Trickshot is looking for his old mentor in Canada somewhere, and CSFB! is still on leave in Seattle, but he will be joining us within the coming weeks. Donar and Troia have decided to hang out more with the LoR. The Dark Knight disappeared."
"So who has the job of deputy leader?" Nats asked. Some part of him hoped he was chosen, but another part didn't want the responsibility.
"I'm getting to that," Finny told him, shuffling hsi index cards. "Falcon, now that you're in the team, you are our SPUD liason."
The crimefighter that fashioned himself after the bird of prey nodded.
"Goldeneyed is now in charge of our legal duties, and Nats will be the spokesman for when we need something from the Interdimensional Transportation Corporation. Manga Shoggoth is our occult liason."
The Manga Shoggoth bubbled quietly in the corner of the room. "I'm only doing this because Xander wants me to keep an eye on Visionary, and since he bought me some nice anime DVDs for my birthday, well, I owe him," the Elder Being reminded everyone. Vizh gulped.
"Vizh, you are our liason for the LoR."
"Well, it's better than being leader," Fleabot whispered to the possibly fake man.
"Cobra, you can keep us in contact with the Abandoned Legion if and when we need them."
Cobra looked up from sharpening her knife to give a quick nod.
"Space Ghost...uh...you can be in charge of the...um...wine cellar."
"Yay!" the pantsless wonder cheered. "I looooooove you, Finny!"
Nats calculated something in his head. "But that only leaves..."
"Right, Bill. Ziles is our new deputy leader," Finny announced. The Xnylonian blushed. "Now that that's settled, I suppose we should get to work. I have to brief the supporting cast," the dragon said. "Vizh, you're on monitor duty."
"Oooh..." Visionary whined.
Luckily for him, a giant armored being smashed through the wall of the mansion just then.
"I AM GLNFRB, THE INVINCIBLE ONE!!!" the armor-plated warrior hollered. "SLAYER OF MAKLUANS!"
"Eep," Vizh eeped.
Three rounds from Cobra's banana gun struck Glnfrb in the chest before he could attack, yet they did nothing.
"I AM IMPERVIOUS TO HARM!" the alien being told them.
"Everyone has a weakness," Cobra stated. "You just have to find it." She lunged at him with her knife, but he backhanded her across the room.
"Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank Raaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Space Ghost yelled, bounding across the room and firing his laser-gun at the Invincible One. The ray smacked the villain backwards.
"HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"
"Anyone can get a spanking," SG smiled. "I loooooove you, Glnnnnnnnfr---*"
Glnfrb had pounded the drunk super-hero into the floor before he could say anything.
Four blasts of telekinetic power slammed into the Invincible One.
"HAH! YOUR PUNY MIND-FORCE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO MY POWERS!"
"Whatever," Nats grunted as he fired off a blast of fire from his cane. Glnfrb's electric blasts from his hands sent thousands of volts throughout Bill Reed's body, taking him down.
"THEY NEVER LISTEN..." the cosmic hunter smiled.
Ziles tried to probe his mind. "Fall back, guys, so I can...aaaagh!"
"MY MENTAL DEFENSES CAN RENDER YOU HELPLESS, XNYLONIAN WENCH!" Glnfrb proclaimed. A powerful psychic backlash had knocked Ziles unconscious.
"No!" Goldeneyed cried defiantly, watching as his teammates were taken down one by one. "You go down now!" He teleported directly at Glnfrb, in hope of getting close enough to batter his foe.
"Gyyaaaah!" Bry Katz screamed, as he was caught in Glnfrb's anti-teleportation energy matrix, sending immense ripples of agaonizing energy throughout every cells of Goldeneyed's body.
"I TIRE OF YOUR SCREAMS, WHELP," the Invincible One spat as he sent G-Eyed across the room with a single punch.
Falcon flew above the fray, so that his target-sensors could lock onto Glnfrb in time for the high-flying hero to fire his missiles. "Does Falcon have the ability to take down this cosmic menace? We shall..."
Painful beams of energy from Glnfrb's eyes seared Falcon's flesh and knocked him out of the air. "YOU CAN ONLY SUCCEED WHEN YOU LEARN TO FIGHT INSTEAD OF TALK!"
"Then tell me why you don't listen to your own advice," the protoplasm that was oozing around Glnfrb asked him. Then the Manga Shoggoth assumed his normal shape. "I wonder if you taste like chicken."
Instead of Glnfrb popping like a bag of peanuts, he flexed against the Elder Being's might. "THE DAY YOU CAN DEFEAT ME IS THE DAY I GIVE UP MY INVINCIBILITY!" The Invincible One shouted as Manga Shoggoth exploded into a hundred gooey piles. He would reform, yes, but it would take a while, for he was in a lot of pain.
Soon, only Visionary and Glnfrb were left standing. "Uh oh," Fleabot said.
"WEAK FLESHLING," the killer from space snarled, "YOU HAVE NO HOPE OF OVERCOMING MY MIGHT." AThe armored villain held out his open palm, and a ball of blue flame appeared in it.
"I suppose we can't just talk about our differences over a nice cup of coffee, then," Visionary observed.
"DIE!" Glnfrb roared, hurling the fireball at the possibly fake man.
"I'm real, dammit," would have been Visionary's last words had Fin Fang Foom not dove in front of the intense blast of fire.
"Aaargh!" the dragon grunted as the flame burned through every fiber of his being. Then it passed. The leader of the Lair Legion was smoking. Literally.
"Vizh," he said simply. "Get help. Now." His teammates were beginning to stir, but they already knew they had no chance against this attacker.
"FINALLY!" Glnfrb cackled. "THE ONE I CAME FOR! THE LAST OF THE MAKLUANS! THE FINAL BOUNTY I AM TO SLAY!"
"Why couldn't you have gone after the Devil Doctor?" Finny asked him. "He's a Makluan. I'm not the only one."
"SILENCE, DRAGON!" the Invincible One commanded. "FACE THY DEATH WITH HONOR!"
Finny shrugged. If he could keep Glnfrb talking... "I'd rather face life, thankyouverymuch."
Glnfrb's hands crackled with energy. The Legionnaire realized he had no more time.
"I HAVE DEFEATED MANY OF YOUR RACE," the cosmic being explained. "SURRENDER AND I MAY MAKE IT QUICK. BUT DEFINITELY NOT PAINLESS."
Finny had to strike...now! He quickly hurled Space Ghost's pants at his enemy.
Glnfrb caught the trousers. "WHAT THE...?"
A powerful torrent of nuclear fire from Finny's mouth followed.
"HAH! A DIVERSIONARY TACTIC! YOU ARE SMART, MAKLUAN, I GIVE YOU THAT. BUT I HAVE TRACKED YOU MANY LIGHT YEARS, FOR THIS MOMENT." He fired a wave of energy from his hands.
Finny dove out of the way just in time. The energy exploded behind him. "You...you're going down," he said, swiping at Glnfrb with his tail.
His would-be murderer caught it. "HAH!" Then the Invincible One swung Finny around by his tail and through a wall. "YOU ARE A WORTHY PREY, FIN FANG FOOM," Glnfrb grinned evilly. "I WILL TAKE PLEASURE IN YOUR...EH?"
Finny had tackled the cosmic hunter head on, grabbing him by the waist. Glnfrb's hands charged with cosmic electricity. Then he brought his fists down on the dragon's back.
"NOW YOU ARE SIMPLY WASTING TIME," the villain spoke, slamming his hands down towards Finny's head.
The draconic hero rolled out of the way, and Glnfrb's hands went through the floor. "BLAST YOUR HIDE, DRAGON!"
Finny growled a deep, guttural growl. Then he grabbed Glnfrb, and actually managed to hoist the monster into the air. Fin Fang Foom then slammed the Invincible One face first into the ground.
Glnfrb picked himself up. "NO...NO ONE HAS BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH SUCH A TASK!"
"I have right on my side," Finny said, licking his lips. "I am better than you."
"NO!" Glnfrb cried, uppercutting the dragon. "NONE ARE MY BETTER!"
A sword of swirling cosmic energy protruded from the Invincible One's wrist. "AND NOW...YOUR DEATH!"
Finny belted him across the face. Glnfrb ignored it, and then slammed the sword deep into the dragon's chest.
The Makluan hero gasped in pain, unable to even muster a scream. Glnfrb withdrew his sword as his prey slumped to the floor with a gaping, bleeding hole in his torso.
Cobra picked herself up to her knees. She was bleeding from the nose and mouth as she looked over the where her leader lay.
It was very clear that Fin Fang Foom was dead.
Next Issue: Is Finny *really* dead? Will the Lair Legion triumph over the might of Glnfrb? And will Visionary save the day? Who knows? After all, isn't this an April Fool's joke? Hahahahah! Or is it?
Happy April Fool's, everybody.
~Nats, and Nats alone
This poster posed from 204.186.166.92 when they posted
Message Thread
This message Lair Legion Special #2: The Old Order Changeth Its Pants was posted by The Hooded Hood continues Nats' round robin (see below) with this second installment of holiday fun on Monday, April 1, 2002 at 20:53.
Lair Legion Special #2: The Old Order Changeth Its Pants
“Gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!” gaaahed Nats, shouting at the main console in the Lair Legion Monitor Room.
Goldeneyed was the first to come to his aid, teleporting in his pyjamas with his toothbrush in his hand, foaming with toothpaste like a sort of rabid bedtime Messenger. “What?” he shouted. “Who’s attacking?”
Donar was the second to answer the call, and he didn’t bother using the door when there was a handy wall present. “Beware felons! Thou hast attacked the Lair Legion, and now thou shalt be smitethest to pulpeth!”
“Dude, calm down!” Nats advised him. “I was just a bit frustrated, that’s all. There’s no attack.”
“Frustrated?” Sorceress scowled, appearing from Hatman’s room in a hastily donned borrowed shirt. “Well I know how that feels.” Hatman appeared behind her scowling at Nats and casually holding a top hat just below his waist.
“Not that kind of frustrated,” Nats explained. “I was just, well, kind of playing a video game. And I crashed.”
“A video game,” Hatman frowned. “You were supposed to be reviewing past cases, studying tactical scenarios.”
“Finny is going to kill you when he sees the damage Donar has done,” Ziles noted. “We’re going to have to go through that whole door-using training thing again.”
“I wast responding to a comrade in need,” the hemigod excused himself. “Twas no time to fiddle with puny mortal doors.”
“Or to, um, put on pants?” Sorceress prompted diplomatically.
“Don’t hurry on my account,” commented Pegasus.
“Here,” G-Eyed helped, teleporting in a large pink bathtowel and passing it to Donar. “Use this. Please.”
“Spoilsport,” pouted Pegasus.
“Thanks to thee, goldeneyed one,” the Ausgardian declared. Then he glanced again at Goldeneyed. “Art thou well, Bryan Katz? I hast battled fenrirgrjims that hast not foamed at the mouth so much as thee.”
“I was just brushing my teeth,” G-Eyed answered pointedly. “When somebody shouted.”
“I wasn’t shouting for you,” Nats assured him “It’s all under control,”
“Here comes Finny,” Ziles pointed out.
“Almost all under control.”
“What’s the problem this time?” the draconic leader of the Lair Legion demanded, picking his way over the wreckage. “The Purveyors of Peril? Kink the Conqueror? Giant Samuri Death Robots? Blackhurt, Prince of Fibs? Dark Thugos?”
“Nats crashed his video game,” Ziles explained.
“I almost had the high score,” the flying phenomenon protested. “Then Finny got stabbed through the chest by Glnfrb and next thing you know it was game over.”
The Makluan stopped in mid tirade. “Pardon? Did you say I got stabbed in the chest?”
“Er, yes,” Nats answered a little nervously. “But only in the video game. So it doesn’t count. Right?”
Hatman was at the console checking on Nats’ activities. “Well I suppose it almost counts as Lair Legion training and research,” he conceded as he booted up Lair Wars, the superhero battle game. “What exactly is this?”
“I was wondering exactly the same thing,” Finny said darkly.
“Oh, that,” Nats replied. “It’s the top-selling video game in the world just now. You get to choose a line-up of heroes and villains to be the Lair Legion, then you have to fight a whole bunch of menaces. Or you can just beat up spiffy. Your choice.”
The giant screen flickered to life. “Lair Legion… Line Up!” it boomed in Adam West’s voice.
“I never licensed this,” Foom snorted wrathfully.
“Ah, yes. Lisette looked into that,” G-Eyed reported. “This game’s been quite a while in production. It was, um, well the paperwork was signed back in Visionary’s time as chair.” This didn’t seem like the right time to bring up the dragon soap-on-a-rope.
“It looks like quite a fun game,” Pegasus grinned, flicking through the screens. “Interesting line-up you’re working with, Nats. Is ‘Xnylonian Wench’ Ziles’ official superhero title now?”
“What?” Ziles scowled, glowering at the flying delivery boy.
“Hey, my roster’s pretty sober compared to some. It’s better than CSFB’s all-girl line-up with the costume modifications.”
“Do we want to know?” asked Sorceress dangerously.
“I do,” admitted G-Eyed.
“I hast always thought that we mightst improve our line-up if we wert to admit Buffy,” Donar considered. “And Xena.”
“I don’t believe we’re all standing here in the remains of our monitor room discussing a video game!” Hatman complained. “When we could be doing… other things. Reading. And stuff.”
“It’s an unrealistic game anyway,” G-Eyed complained. “What kind of villain is called Glnfrb?”
“Oh that. I just used the game’s villain generator to create the very worst possible villain, an utterly unstoppable foe that the LL would have no chance of beating,” Nats explained.
“And then you got killed,” Pegasus noted. “How remarkable.”
Hatman was still glaring at the console. “So you installed this unauthorised software onto our computer system,” he noted. “And then you used it to create an unstoppable villain.”
“Called Glnfrb,” added Ziles, helpfully.
“On our computer system that ties in to the Virtual Reality World and HALLIE’s Movie Gun, the technology that changes fictional things into reality?” Hatman continued.
Everybody went very quiet.
“Oh sh…” Nats started to say before the other wall burst in.
“NOW MORTALS,” the intruder shouted in a voice like Adam West again. “PREPARE TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF… GLNFRB!!!”
“Does this thing have a pause feature?” asked Pegasus hopefully.
To be Continued… by somebody.
This poster posed from 212.159.36.155 when they posted
Message Thread
This message Lair Legion Special #3: The Old Order Changeth Its Dypers was posted by ag on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 at 12:03.
Lair Legion Special #3: The Old Order Changeth Its Dypers
A spray of cosmically charged power rips through the Lair Legion before they know what’s happening.
Sorceress, Pegasus and Finny are all vaporized in a flash.
“Whitney!” Hatman shouts. “You’re going to pay for that!”
Jay puts on his Colorado Cosmics cap and blazes with power.
Goldeneyed briefly takes note that he’s never seen that hat before, but he doesn't care as he tries to teleport GLNFRB into a wall.
The anti-teleporting aura around the unstoppable villain backlashes Bry to the ground. As he looks up he sees Hatman vaporized.
“FOUL CREATURE! DIE THE SURLY DEATHS OF CANCELLATION!” Donar bellows as he throws Mjalcom (tm) at the villain.
GLNFRB opens a portal, which traps the enchanted bat far away. He them decapitates Donar.
A quick brain melt stops Ziles attack, and also shuts her brain down permanently.
“My fault. All my fault.” Nats sobs to himself on the floor before becoming nothing but a charred smear.
“They’re dead! There’re all dead!” G-Eyed moans before the blast hits him.
“Bry? You ok?” Lisette asks her husband.
“What? Where? I was going to die. Where is everyone?”
“The lad has gone bonkers.” dull thud says to Chronic.
The memories start to fade. Bry’s thoughts adjust to his new surroundings, “Uh..hmm. Must’ve been daydreaming. Weird. Anyway, dull thud, Falcon, niobe, Chronic, Jack Rabbit, Sir Mumphrey Wilton, ManMan and my wife, Lisette, I welcome you to the Lair Legion! We are the new team. I’m the chairman and Dancer here is the deputy. Welcome!”
What is going on? Is G-Eyed swapping universes? Only the next author knows for sure!
This poster posed from 65.100.218.61 when they posted
Message Thread
This message Lair Legion Special #4 - "They're Not My Pants!" was posted by Falcon, who has been waiting for years to use that line. on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 at 13:37.
"What?" asked ManMan, "You can't be serious!"
"Yes, quite serious," started Goldeneyed, "for, you see--"
"Wait a minute!" interrupted Falcon, "I specifically told you I didn't want to be in the LL after what happened last time!"
"Last time?"
"Yes. When Lisette seduced me and you broke my arm..."
"That never happened!"
"Yes. Last Monday."
"Great. I didn't think I was in my own universe."
"Can we get this over with?" asked Chronic, "I have tickets for the Billy Joel concert at the AMB Ampitheatre."
"AMB? Then, this isn't the Parodyverse?"
"No. The Parodyverse was created by Baron Zemo, but only a few followed him there. Without Jarvis' happiness, they were all engulfed in evil."
"Who were they?"
"They were the Baron, Visionary, spiffy, Fin Fang Foom and the Shaper of Worlds."
"Oboy."
Meanwhile, back on our world, Glnfrb has escaped from the video game, and has quickly defeated the Lair Legion. Raiding the LL's labs, he finds a dimensional transporter, and uses it to take him to the dimension of Alvaro, where Goldeneyed and his crew reside.
This poster posed from 24.43.160.43 when they posted
Message Thread
This message The Alternate Lair Legion Special #4: The Old Order Changeth My Twenty For Two Tens was posted by niobe on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 at 15:39.
"Nice to be here," said ManMan.
There was an awkward silence.
Mumphrey Wilton put down his teacup and voiced what everyone present was thinking. "If only it were under happier circumstances. Have they made any progress?"
"Not yet," said Dancer. "And there’s no word on when we’ll be allowed to see them."
Goldeneyed felt a wave of nausea as his hallucination faded and reality crept up on him. One weekend away with Lisette - his first chance to relax with her in what seemed months of solid villain-foiling - and it had coincided with an attack on the Lair Mansion by an as-yet unidentified enemy. Without even the chance to put up a fight, or indeed get out of bed, the inhabitants had apparently succumbed to infection with a bizarre degenerative brain parasite.
The first he heard of this was a message left on his cell phone. "Shuddup foo," it said, over the rattling of heavy gold chains. "I pity the sucka who don’t call me back. Grr."
Ziles?
The full story was almost beyond belief. The other Legionnaires, their minds warped by the infection, now believed themselves to be Eighties TV characters. Nats swishing a red light from side to side and talking to someone called Michael. The Dark Knight in the role of ALF. Fin Fang Foom had squeezed into a pair of Daisy Dukes and affected a Southern drawl.
It was not pretty.
The whole area had been cordoned off and the babbling LL taken to the Safe, the only nearby facility capable of restraining a hemigod intent on running around shouting DE PLANE, BOSS, DE PLANE!.
It was up to this new Legion to find the perpetrators - and a cure.
This poster posed from 168.143.113.108 when they posted
Message Thread
This message Lair Legion Special #6: The Old Order Doth Changeth Its Long-Distance Service was posted by Nats, making it so that niobe wrote chapter 5 instead of 4b on Friday, April 5, 2002 at 18:43.
Lair Legion Special #6: The Old Order Changeth Its Long-Distance Service
"Rick, you stay here," Fin Fang Foom told Nats. "TC and I will go around the back to catch Morson by surprise."
"Okay, Thomas," Nats replied. "But...what the?"
"Oh. My. God!" Hatman yelled in an English accent. "Magnum, why are you crouched in my garden?"
"Higgins!" Finny exclaimed. "What are you doing here? And you brought...Agatha?"
"We were discussing the botany exhibit," Ziles stated.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to go after the bad guys," the Dark Knight said.
"TC's right," Finny noted. "Let's just hope no one else shows up."
Miss Framlicker, the Lair Legion's psychiatrist, made a note on her clipboard. "So they all think they're on Magnum, PI?"
"Yes," the dark figure behind her agreed.
***
Meanwhile, back in the Parodyverse...
"Oh no!" CrazySugarFreakBoy! cried out as he entered the Monitor Room. He had come upon his teammates' dead bodies.
A faint crackle of energy lingered in the corner of the room.
"A portal," CSFB! inspected. "I should go get help, but plot demands I must go now!"
And so he dove into the portal head-first.
***
Chronic sniffed. "I just love 'She's Got a Way'," he smiled. "Billy Joel is the man."
Suddenly, a huge explosion blew out the back of the amphitheater and a large figure dressed in maroon armor stepped in. "I AM GLNFRB, THE INVINCIBLE ONE! AND YOU WILL ALL DIE IF THIS MAN DOES NOT PLAY PIANO MAN! NOW!"
Chronic wielded his accordian named Sven, but even he knew that all the polka in the world wouldn't be able to defeat the cosmic hunter.
"Hiya, buddy!" Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove grinned as he landed on Glnfrb's head. "I have a feeling you're as out of place as I am."
***
"Are you sure about this?" niobe asked.
ManMan gulped. His sentient fork said nothing.
"I'm sure he's right," Lisette nodded.
"I'm almost completely sure that we might find the villain behind the Lair Legion's brain disease in this building," Goldeneyed, current leader of the new LL, declared, gesturing to the front door of Herringcarp Asylum.
Suddenly, the doors burst open.
"Hi there, friends," Mad Wendy smiled. "Do you want your brains to go someplace happy, too?"
***
CSFB! bounced once more around the amphitheater. "Give it up, Glnny, you really won't be able to get a bead on me."
"STAY STILL, YOU WORTHLESS BUG!" the Invincible One demanded.
Chronic had tapped into Billy Joel's sound system and was unleashing a powerful barrage of polka at the villain.
Glnfrb charged up his hands with energy, but then the cosmic forces began to blink on and off.
"WHA...?"
Glnfrb's armor began slowly fading away.
"NO! I CANNOT REVERT TO MY MORTAL Form now! Nooo!"
Glnfrb's armor disappeared off of his body.
"Who is it?" Chronic asked.
"It's...It's...Wang the Conqueror!" CSFB! observed.
To be Continued by the next sucker....er...writer!
Come on can you really have an RR without Wang the Conqueror? I doubt it.
Nats
This poster posed from 204.186.4.221 when they posted
Message Thread
This message Lair Legion Special #7: The Old Order Changes Its Zip Code was posted by ???? on Sunday, April 7, 2002 at 21:30.
The scene: Wang the Conqueror is frolicking amidst mass destruction, as 80's TV shows come to life by possessing an unsuspecting group of heroes, who then wreak havoc upon an even-more-unsuspecting populace!
Manman: TIC-TAC-DOUGH! TIC-TAC-DOUGH!
Knifey: For the love of God, not Hollywood Squares!
Revenge of the Nerds co-star, Anthony Edwards, runs onto the scene
Anthony Edwards: Somebody ask for me?
Knifey: ...no?
Anthony Edwards: But...I'm in TV! And I play a lovable geek!
Huey Lewis: It's hip to be square!
Anthony Edwards guns down Huey Lewis with a salad-shooter
Anthony Edwards: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
Meanwhile...
Finny: These &$#@ing Daisy Duke shorts are killing me!
Shorts: You don't know the half of it!
Suddenly, everyone's clothes become both alive and carnivorous!
Everyone but Wang: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dancer, Sorceress, Ziles, Pegasus, and Niobe: Our only hope is to take off all our clothes!
All the guys: Yeah, us too--no, wait a minute...
Every male in the room is completely oblivious to their clothes trying to eat them, as the women's sudden strip-fest is distracting them!
Dancer: *sigh*! No BZL Round Robin can last longer than a page before people start losing their clothes.
CSFB!: You say that like it's a bad thing.
DK: ...did someone say Bad Thing?
DK drops a Sega-bomb on reality
Wang: Gahh! Nothing's worse than superfast blue hedgehogs!
DK: How about superfast blue hedgehogs in heat?
The sound of...something...repeatedly ricocheting off of Wang's futuristic battlesuit can be heard!
Wang: I'LL NEVER GET THESE STAINS OUT
DK: That's what you get for liking the Bad Thing. And, um...
DK notices several angry, nude women glaring at him
DK: BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Girls: That's the general idea. Hold him down and sic some bubbly supermodels on him!
Everyone is trampled by ditzy women with no sense of direction!
Everyone: ...oww. We were just trampled by ditzy women with no sense of direction.
Hooded Hood: Good aftern--oh, crap, it's one of those kinds of stories.
The Hooded Hood wisely runs away
Falcon: Hey, look, bungee-jumping leopards!
Wang: SAVE ME, MY MINIONS
The daredevil leopards quickly tear into the superfast blue hedgehogs. Blood and other bodily fluids go flying!
John Woo: Guess who!
AG: ...John Woo?
John Woo: No...
John Woo unzips his Woo-suit, revealing Snaggletooth!
Women: *swoon!*
Manman: Man, Snaggletooth gets all the chicks. What's up with that?
DK: He's wearing nothing but a bow-tie. And he's a pink cat. So, everything a woman looks for in a mate.
Suddenly, the Flying Jarvi--the parachuting Jarvis impersonators--fall from the sky like rocks!
This poster posed from 63.171.208.98 when they posted
Message Thread
This message Lair Legion Special #8-"The Lair Legion Changes
It's Lawncare Provider" was posted by Falcon on Tuesday, April 9,
2002 at 19:28.
And for a few minutes nothing happened.
(C'mon,
could you put anything in here?)
This poster posed from 24.43.160.43 when they
posted
Message Thread
This message Lair Legion Special #9 (Falc has called #8): The Old Order Changeth to Decaf was posted by De Brown Streak on Tuesday, April 9, 2002 at 17:30.
Lair Legion Special #9 (Falc has called #8): The Old Order Changeth to Decaf
De Brown Streak sits in that bar from Messenger’s stories, Lonnies, the one that’s gonna get blow up real soon with Lonny dying horribly.
Lonny: “…said to the wife that with the birth of out ninth grand-daughter we had to be the happiest people alive. All the guys at the Nam Vet Heroes Club agreed. And after winning the Lottery last month we’re finally planning that dream cruise we’ve been talking about for years.”
DBS hands back the photos of the grandkids: “Sounds real good, Lonnie. It’s nice to see one Messenger supporting character that things turn out good for. So what’s happening downtown?”
Lonny shrugs. “It said on the TV that a bunch of weird alternate versions of the Lair Legion were fighting some guy who sounded like a sneeze, and then everybody’s clothes fell off.”
DBS: “Hmm. This definitely sounds like a job for… De Brown Streak. Everybody’s clothes, you say?”
Lonny: “I dunno. I hear Finny’s hot pants might just have shrunk three sizes. But the only TV crew to get anywhere near Troia is still having their camera removed surgically, so the viewers are baffled.”
DBS, who once had a sort of life as a medical student: “That can be a very tricky operation. Anyway, must…”
DBS, arriving at the mayhem: “…dash. Hi! Er where are the naked superheroines? I’m here to comfort them. And keep them warm if necessary.”
Rocket Racoon: “Me too.”
DBS: “Hey, no fair. You’re dead. Read that Hooded Hood continuity guide.”
Rocket Racoon grins, “Like that matters. Look buddy, by that token you shouldn’t be here either. You’re still stuck in a round robin with Lania waiting for Finny to rip your head off. If you’re lucky and he goes for that bit of you.”
DBS: “You know, you’d make a pretty good sidekick.”
RR: “I was thinking the same thing about you.”
A nasty thought assails De Brown Streak: “Hey, you’re not some kind of… undead Rocket Racoon are you? I find the idea of a small hairy bloodsucking creature pretty scary.”
RR: “You must be thinking of Richard Branson. Actually, I’m just a shapechanging minion of Kink the Conqueror, distracting you until the big cliffhanger creeps up on you. My name is… Plot Device!”
DBS kicks plot device in the continuities. “Take that, false rodentiform, for besmirtching the name of a good, er, medium, well, fairly minor, seedy and morally dubious hero!”
Cliffhanger, a 20’ fall rock being smashes though the wall: “Who you callin’ a minor seedy morally dubious hero, fool? You see the mirror recently?”
DBS: “Mr T? You can stop the steroid treatments now.”
Cliffhanger falls on him.
DBS, from under Cliffhanger. “Ouch. I have got to remember why they call me the Brown Streak in future. Although I may change my name to the Red Splat after this. How am I going to get out from this cliffhanger?”
Cliffhanger: “There is no way, hero. And by my amazing power to end episodes I hereby decree all the Parodyverse heroines to be tied onto railway tracks or sawmills, and all the heroes to be stuck in snake pits or on sinking lava floes. All that PLUS whatever Falcon did to them in the episode that fits before this. Hahhahahahahahahahahaha!!!”
An announcer walks over to the scene and speaks to the viewers: “Can our daring heroes and heroines escape the lethal deathtraps of Cliffhanger? Will his sinister master Kink the Conqueror finally win a Round Robin – or maybe even gain control of the Earth this time? Who else is going to be roped in to write a chapter of this mind-manglingly complicated saga? And how is Nats going to finish the thing so it all makes perfect sense? Join us next time kiddies, in… Chapter Ten!”
To be continued!
Announcer: “How was I? Did I come across alright? I wasn’t to sure about my motivation…”
DBS: “Can I get out from under here until it’s time for the next chapter? Please? Hello? Anybody?”
This poster posed from 212.1.153.190 when they posted
Message Thread
____________________
"There's more," Shaper warned. "Shall I go on?" *
"No, no that's not neccessary," Chronicler assured her. "Really. I get the idea. And as I recall after that things got a bit... strange."
"Relative term," Nevermore the raven muttered, aiming his droppings down into one of Shaper's goldfish bowls.
"What started as Nats just messing around with a video game got complicated when Kink the Conqueror managed to link the program into the Movie Gun's virtual reality generator, thus starting a cascade that sucked all kinds of variant characters in and mixed them with TV and movie scenarios. And then came the ballroom dancing episode, and the one where they all turned into muppets..."
"I actually kind of liked that one," the Chronicler confessed.
"Meanwhile the reality fluctuations were giving us conniptions, making our powers go all screwy," Shaper explained. "Well, not just our powers," she added, glancing at Chronciler.
"Hmm, well, what happened in the end?" the keeper of stories grumped. "How did you get the cascade stopped and deal with those agents of Kink?"
"You won't like it," Shaper confessed.
"Tell me."
The grey-cowled crime-czar loomed out of the shadows. "Good evening, Chronicler," bade the Hooded Hood.
To be concluded... very soon. Look for drama, pathos, men in purple tights, and a new chapter from Dancer in Lair Legion Special Ultimate Edition #2: The New Order.
Now go back to the PVB and respond to this posting. Go.
* [There were a couple of other chapters after this that I haven't included here since they went off in directions I wasn't that comfortable with.]