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The long-overdue Happiness, part 4. (Plus a quick recap) Wednesday, 13-Oct-1999 18:37:35
Our story so far: Asil, a clone of Lisa, is sent after the missing-on-walkabout Visionary and Fleabot. She finds them trapped in a neverending cornfield due to the side effects of an NTU-invention built to a massive scale: The Happy Place conduit. Unbeknownst to them, multi-billionaire Roni Y. Avis has built the device and transformed the Happy Place into 'Avisland', thanks to the help of the Diabolical Dr. Moo. The bunnies of the Happy Place have been put to work generating the electricity for the theme park and Yi, the guardian of that world, has been captured. Cheryl brings Hatman, Yo and Donar to a press conference of Avis's on hopes of landing a cushy endorsement job for her clients. When Avis activates another conduit, she, the legionnaires and the reporters are swept along to the Happy Place. However, Yo's involvement in this form of transportation causes a few notable side-effects... "Okay…" the cat in the hat said. "What the hell just happened?" "Verily" the frog of thunder croaked. "I wouldst appreciate an explanation most thorough mineself." "We are being in the Happy Place!" Yo declared cheerfully from his usual body. "Although it is looking different than I remember it being." Cherowl grimaced, something that requires a bit of extra dexterity when you have a beak. "I think Hatman was referring to our new look, dear" she informed the pure-thought Legionnaire. One moment they were in Avis Amalgamated's corporate headquarters in Parodiopolis for a news conference, the next found them buried in their own seemingly giant clothes and sporting fur, slime and feathers respectively. When you have lived in the Parodyverse as long as Cheryl, however, very little actually managed to surprise you. "Somehow, Avis has reproduced NTU's Happy Place conduit… with the usual side effects." She noted that Yo herself was apparently unaffected by the jaunt to the 'Happiest Place in the Universe' (as banners all around the milling reporters proudly declared). In fact, nobody else had gone furry at all, as far as she could see. That might make the three of them a bit more conspicuous. Of course, that didn't seem to be an immediate problem, as the various reporters who weren't frantically calling out questions to Avis were far too busy rubbernecking at their sudden new surroundings. Cheryl really couldn't blame them… A first trip to the Happy Place was always a bit overwhelming, and as Yo said, the Happy Place was decidedly different than it used to be. For one, instead of a grassy field, they were all standing on the corner of 'Main St.' and 'Avis Blvd.' in a cheesy reconstruction of 'Anytown USA' (provided said town was straight out of a 50's sitcom). Down the street, past the soda fountain and the barber shop, rose a huge, fake-looking castle. In the opposite direction they could see the winding tracks of roller-coasters, a giant Ferris-wheel and other assorted rides. Only if they looked straight up could they see much of the Happy Place's signature blue sky. "I art… a toad" Donar grumbled dangerously. "What 'side-effects' dost thou speak of? What foul magik is responsible for this most vexing condition?" Cherowl rotated her head around to look behind them. "Perhaps we should find a more out-of-the-way place for explanations…" she suggested. "Mr. Avis! Mr. Avis!" a voiced bellowed from nearby. "Sam Donaldson, ABC news… What about the animals Mr. Avis?" The reporters silenced as they waited patiently for a response. "Um… animals, Sam?" Avis responded warily. "Why… what animals?" The crowd parted, giving Avis and the Legionnaires a clear path to one another. Avis blinked in surprise. "Well… those, um… those are obviously… um…" Cheryl felt a pair of hands suddenly clamp her wings to her body as she was hauled indignantly into the air. "Why, these are the latest in Animatronic Creatures" Avis's beehive-hairdo coifed personal assistant declared, holding the struggling owl up for the crowd to see. "Eventually, these little robotic creatures will greet and interact with visitors to the park!" Cherowl's feathers ruffled as she rotated her head 180 degrees to glare at the woman. "I beg your pardon…" she said icily, "Did you just call me… fake?" This exchange apparently delighted the reporters, who snapped off dozens of pictures in a blinding barrage of flashbulbs. It took a while for Cheryl's sensitive eyes to refocus, but when they did she let out a hoot of surprise. "Yo?" she called out, twisting her head rapidly to scan the throng of reporters for the pure thought being. She couldn't see any sign of her. "Where's Yo?? Do either of you see her?" she asked her fellow transmogrified Legionnaires desperately, thrashing against the hands that held her. "She was here a minute ago" Hatman replied with a startled twitch of his whiskers. Just then, Cokie Roberts stepped on his tail, eliciting a yeowl from the crime-fighter and causing him to arch his back and hiss menacingly at the offending reporter's ankles. "I can't go looking for her like this…" he complained, bounding to the pile of clothes left from his transformation. "Good thing I brought my Pittsburgh Steelers hat with me to this shindig!" Cheryl watched him root through the oversized clothes until finally a head popped up. Well, actually it was more of a fuzzy body with a baseball cap completely covering everything from the shoulders up. "Ah… I don't suppose your powers still work when the hat doesn't fit, do they?" she sighed. "Aw crap" the still-fur-instead-of-steel-covered kitty replied. Suddenly, another Avisland employee scooped him up and thrust him into an airline pet-carrier. The employee managed to perform this maneuver without receiving more than a few scratches thanks to the cat's eyes being buried beneath far too much hat. "Verily… I have had enough!!!" Donar cried he leapt forward. "Let the battle be joined!!!" Cheryl was glad to see that Donar had indeed kept his god-like strength through the transformation. Unfortunately, he also inherited the proportional strength of a bullfrog. When one combined these two there was only one logical result: airborne amphibian. Katie Couric whistled as the Frog of Thunder overshot his mark by about 4000 feet and disappeared into the crisp blue sky as a result of his mighty leap. "I hope people are wearing hard-hats wherever he comes down" she noted. "Yes, well…" Avis continued as he squinted into the bright sky, "we obviously have a few bugs to work out. Still, I'm sure you'll be suitably impressed by what we already have ready to go! If you'll just follow Mr. Jones there he'll begin your grand tour with 'the Hall of Spam'." He smiled and waved as the reporters filed off for their sightseeing tour, then hastened over to his assistant. "Where did these animals come from?" he whined, wringing his hand and hook. "I thought they only had bunnies here…" The woman holding Cheryl swore as she tried to force the white-feathered owl into a cage which another employee had produced. Cheryl was doing her best to remove a finger or two for her efforts, but without much luck. "Apparently not" she answered in her nasally voice as she swung the cage door closed unscathed. "What should we do with them?" Cheryl had a variety of suggestions for what these two could do with themselves, but she decided to keep them to herself for now and listen instead. Avis paced nervously. "The talking cat is just creepy… If the animal rights people hear about it, we'll have to deal with all sorts of endangered species laws and such. I suppose we should just send it to the treadmills" he decided eventually. "The bird is pretty, though… and a talking bird is much less of a freak of nature… it's probably worth something. Put it in my office." He leaned up close and tapped his hook against the cage bars. "Pretty birdie… can you say 'hello'? Hello!… does birdie want a cracker? Hello!" Cheryl vowed then and there to pluck out his eyes when she had the chance. Avis frowned. "She did talk, right? That wasn't some ventriloquist thing you were doing?" "I'm not that skilled, sir" the assistant answered. "We may have another problem…" she noted, nodding to the three piles of clothes that were sitting on the ground. "It looks like some of the reporters may have gotten a little too happy." "Naked reporters? In my theme park?!" Avis declared chagrined. "We don't need a scandal! And have you seen the kind of body reporters have? Eeeew." He turned to follow after the tour that was already underway. "Put security on full alert" he called out over his shoulder. "Oh… and tell them to watch for falling frogs." "Does he do this kind of thing a lot?" Asil asked warily. "Which?" Fleabot answered. "The whining is pretty much par for the course. The whole 'turning into a weasel' thing he must save for special occasions." For his part, Visionary hopped around chittering with agitation. Why did this kind of thing always happen to him? He was pretty sure the average person never got stuck in an infinite cornfield, or whisked away to the largest parking lot on earth only to meet a talking crow and get transformed into a weasel. "True" Quoth agreed with his thoughts. "Although you might be surprised at what constitutes 'average' in this day and age… and it's raven, if you will, sir." "Will you stop doing that, please???" Visionary squeaked bitterly. He hated when people eavesdropped on his thoughts. "How the hell did I become a weasel again?!" "Mongoose" Asil corrected helpfully. "Whatever!" he roared. "As I said before, sir…" Quoth said calmly. "Yo's here." "So Yo's come through the Happy Place Conduit as well, eh?" Fleabot said thoughtfully. "That would explain Visionary's new condition… interesting to note that the animal form isn't arbitrary." "What's that?" Asil asked curiously. "The fact that both times this happened, he changed into a weasel" Fleabot clarified. "Mongoose" Asil added again. "Will you all just shut-up!!!" Visionary screamed at the tops of his tiny little lungs. He took a few deep breaths… it wouldn't do to have a nervous breakdown. Vowing to himself that when he got home he would never leave the house again seemed to help. With a sigh, he turned to the crow. "Raven" she corrected. Visionary glared at her. "Just… just start from the beginning." "Um… right. Sorry sir" she quickly said. "As I said, My name is Quoth, Junior Raven, second class. We ravens work alongside the cosmic beings that guide the Parodyverse along the appropriate pathways. I was ordered to report here to offer you any assistance I can in restoring the Happy Place." "Is the Happy Place that important in the major scheme of things?" Fleabot asked curiously. "Not really" the raven replied. "In truth, it's simply one of the lesser planes of existence. The universe itself will keep twirling regardless of the happiness of those along for the ride." "I thought as much" Asil commented morosely. "The universe twirls?" Visionary asked. "The Parodyverse does, yes" Quoth confirmed. "And yes, I know… you hardly think a dignified universe would do such a thing… you said as much last time, sir." "Um… which last time would that be?" Visionary inquired. "Why… when you ordered me to report here to assist you, sir." Visionary blinked. "Wait a minute… start over…" Quoth sighed. "Every now and again, the cosmic being known as the Chronicler of Stories needs to spend time as a mortal. In the last such instance, you were designated to be his replacement for a twenty-four hour period… you became the 310th Chronicler since time began." They all stood silently for a moment. "Him???" Fleabot asked incredulously. The raven actually looked embarrassed. "It's really not my place to judge the Chronicler's choice of replacements…" she coughed politely. "Plus, it was only for one day, and when you think about his cosmic importance, it does make at least some sense… he couldn't possibly screw things up." "Wait…" Asil cut in. "What about his cosmic importance?" She leaned forward eagerly. "Well…" Quoth began hesitantly, casting a nervous glance at the stunned weasel that was Visionary. "…He doesn't have any." "I beg your pardon?" Asil asked dangerously. The ink-black bird cautiously took a few hops backwards. "You see… just about every creature in existence has some purpose… even if it's just to sneeze at the most appropriate time for the universe. Every now and then a cosmic extra comes along… kind of a surplus to destiny. These beings just don't have any effect on the grand scheme of the universe one way or another." She cast an apologetic eye towards Visionary. "You seem to be one of these… sir." "But… he's a great man!" Asil protested strongly, advancing on the bird. "He's done great things!" "Yes, quite… I'm sure" the raven agreed quickly. "Just not anything… cosmically significant." She held her wings out in front of her placatingly. "You have to understand that whether people live or die, whether people are ruled by kindness or cruelty… these things don't really effect the greater purpose of the universe, provided they all get the chance to play their role in the cosmic scheme of things. Even though he's surrounded by people who have major roles to play in the outcome of all existence, he himself is just kind of… there." She fluttered up to the top of a parking lamp as Asil took another threatening step towards her. "I'm sure he's perfectly wonderful person to get to know, however!" she added by conciliation. Fleabot regarded Visionary thoughtfully. "But… wouldn't becoming Chronicler for a day make him somehow cosmically significant? Especially if there were only 309 others?" "You'd think that, wouldn't you?" Quoth called down. "But that's not how it works. Simply put, nothing he did as Chronicler had any significance to the final outcome of the Parodyverse. He'll never do anything that will. He may be unique, he's just not significant." Asil looked to be considering climbing the street-lamp to get at the bird when Visionary finally spoke up. "Um… excuse me…" he said hesitantly, "But even if this is all true, could someone please explain what the hell this has to do with me being a weasel!!!" "Mongoose" Asil insisted moodily as she slumped to the ground to pout and hugged her knees up to her chest. Visionary cast a sympathetic glance towards the young (and increasingly more disillusioned) girl. He'd have to find some way to make things up to her, but now simply wasn't the time. "Well?" he asked the raven. With a wary glance at the seemingly defeated Asil, the bird descended to join them again. "Ahem, well sir… As Chronicler you attended a meeting of the council, and there you ran into Yi, who is apparently an old acquaintance of yours." "Yi?" Fleabot exclaimed with surprise. "The delegate from the Happy Place" Quoth clarified. "In any event, sir, you apparently owed her a favor… something to do with helping you to produce a mutant bunny… and Yi said not to worry about it, that this little trip to the Happy Place you would be taking with friends would more than return the favor. That's when you ordered me to drop by and help as best I could, sir." "Why don't I remember any of this?" Visionary prodded. "We're not in the habit of letting mortals walk around with the knowledge of the Book of Time rattling around in their heads!" Quoth exclaimed indignantly, then seemed to catch herself. "Um… that is… Pallas encouraged you to forget, sir." Visionary had no idea what to make of her wild stories, but he was at least certain that prolonging the discussion any more would let loose the splitting headache that was building in the backs of his temples. "Okay, fine… whatever" he sighed. "Well, now that you're here, what are we supposed to be doing? For that matter, what help can you give us in doing it? And once again, what does all this have to do with me being a weasel???" "As for our objective, I believe we're suppose to be rescuing the bunnies, sir" Quoth explained. "As for what help I can offer, I have already to date: Arranged for the rental car that would bring you to the Happy Place conduit at the appropriate time, stocked the trunk of said car for every emergency you would encounter on your long journey, slipped the Lair Legion's Public Relations woman's name onto the guest list for this theme park's grand opening, and altered the invitations to include an endorsement offer to ensure that she comes with adequate Legionnaires to get the job done… Oh, and since one of the ones that she brought is Yo, you are now a weasel." Visionary blinked. "How…" "I am a Junior Raven, second-class, sir" she answered pointedly. "One doesn't achieve such a cosmic position by luck." The weasel-bound legionnaire shook his head and then began pacing excitedly. If what this bird said was true, then Cheryl was here! If there was anything that could make his current situation tolerable, it was his wife… Of course, they would have to look into this bunny thing… Yo would insist on that, and Visionary did owe Yi for her help last December. He turned to Quoth. "I suppose the first order of business would be to find a Legionnaire who could fill us in on what's been happening on their end…" he began. Naturally, that's when the frog trailing assorted Ausgardian curses fell out of the sky and landed on his little ferret head. "Excellent idea, sir" Quoth agreed, leaning down to talk to the squished weasel. "Will there be anything else for now?" Visionary |
| The long-overdue Happiness, part 4. (Plus a quick recap) (Visionary) (13-Oct-1999 18:37:35) |
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