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Lisa's Baby Shower... the story Thursday, 03-Feb-2000 01:16:37
Visionary slowly made the trek across the rocky shore of the island from his displaced condo to the LL's headquarters. If he seemed more crotchety than usual, it was likely due to the time (6 a.m.) as well as the living conditions to which he had awoken (Notably, a deplorable lack of donuts). A chill, midwinter breeze kept him tightly wrapped in his terry-cloth robe as he pounded indignantly on the door of the lair. "Lemme in…" he mumbled, "I know you have crullers in there!" "Incorrect password" the lair security system informed him pleasantly, deploying the infamous 'stunner' guns from either side of the entrance. "Please restate your name and password, or face instantaneous reverse-neutrino liquification." Visionary decided it was far too early in the morning to face anything with even half that many syllables. "Halllllllllie!!!!" he wailed plaintively. The was a slight pause before an equally pleasant, but decidedly more aware voice answered. "Yes, Vizh?" she answered as a security camera swung around to view him. "Something I can do for you?" "Make it let me in!" he declared indignantly, pointing accusingly to the offending front door. "You know…" she replied, "if you'd just remember your passcard once in a while you wouldn't have this problem. Let me guess… you left it in your other pants?" The video camera swung to regard him from head to toe. "Um… you are wearing pants under that, aren't you?" "Just open the damn door!!!" the Lair chairman snapped. "Okay, okay… I suppose the base has always had something of a lax dress code…" the sentient computer said teasingly as the stunner guns were swallowed back into the walls. "By the way…" she added as the door finally slid open, "… love the bunny slippers…" Cheryl pulled another piece off of a giant cinnamon roll and popped it into her mouth, then reached for the coffee pot before she remembered herself and snatched her hand back. "Sorry" she said with an apologetic smile. "Force of habit." "Honest, it's perfectly alright… go ahead and have some" the very pregnant Lisa insisted from the table in the corner of the kitchen. "It's not like you have to worry about it. Besides, I'm finding that hot chocolate with heavy whipped cream is a decent substitute come midwinter." Just the same, Cheryl bypassed the Mr. Coffee and went for the refrigerator instead. "Honestly?" she asked, pouring herself some orange juice. "Well, aside from the fact that it doesn't curb the urge to rip off the heads of everyone I meet before 2 pm." She noted before daintily sipping at her mug. "Of course, with my current condition, that urge never really fades with regards to men." Cheryl grinned and sat back down just as Visionary appeared, wet and bedraggled, in the kitchen doorway. "Try to spare this one…" she requested of Lisa, "I need him to fold laundry later." "'Morning, fearless leader" Lisa greeted the soaked and shivering man with a small nod. "You haven't lost track of how to shower and dress yourself each morning, have you?" Visionary shuffled past them both with little more than a grunt. The ears of his soggy bunny slippers flopped pathetically on the kitchen tiles. "Donut" he finally managed, picking up the empty bakery box and shaking it. "Where?" Just then spiffy stuck his head in the door. "Hey guys, you seem to have a little sprinkler problem in the hallwa…" He paused as Visionary fixed him with a level glare. "Oh, I uh… guess you already know." "Gromm the Living Flatulence dropped by early this morning for a little dust-up." Lisa said by way of explanation. "Things were going well, and Donar actually had him in custody until Troia tried to freshen the air by lighting some incense." She drained her mug and rose, with effort, to her feet. "Now that the fire's out, I'll tell Enty that he can shut off the sprinklers and get Zebulon to work on patching the hole in the roof." Visionary waved all that off, and instead shook the empty cardboard box more insistently. "Cruller… Where?" "Actually, the Abandoned Legion ate the last of them, dear" Cheryl informed him. "It was the least we could do for them after all their help in the fight." "Um…." spiffy added hurriedly as the grumpy Legionnaire turned his attention back to the ferned-wonder. "I'm pretty sure that Cobra ate yours…" "We would have called you to lend a hand as well…" Cheryl continued, "but we thought it would be nicer to let you sleep in." Visionary relinquished his hold on the box as it became obvious that there truly were no donuts to be had. "Then why did you start the air-raid siren blaring all over the island?" Lisa shrugged. "We figured Gromm had to come back down sometime." With that, she patted him on the cheek and wandered off in search of NTU. spiffy wisely chose to follow suit. Cheryl calmly sipped at her orange juice. "You know, with the damage from the fight, maybe we should move the party out to our Condo…" "I can live with that" Visionary agreed, surprisingly, as he rooted around the cupboards for something to eat. "I just didn't think you'd want all those people in our living room..." "Well, if we move the television out of the way, I'm sure we can accommodate everyone." Visionary froze. "But… um… if we move the TV… how are we going to…" Realization dawned on him, and a box of Fruity Pebbles dropped from his hand. "You're not talking about a Superbowl party, are you?" "Of course not!" Cheryl responded. "There's no way I'd let your football cronies into my house… we never did get Starseed's chili out of the carpet in that one spot. It's Lisa's baby shower, of course." "But… but… The Superbowl is only once a year!" "And how often does Lisa give birth?" the PR director inquired mildly. "Pre or post retconning?" Visionary demanded moodily. Finally, he sighed. "Okay… fine… I suppose I could use the old monitor room here to watch the big game." "I suppose you could…" Cheryl agreed, "…if you wanted to sleep on the couch for the next six months." She batted her eyelashes at him. "I'm afraid your attendance is strenuously requested at the shower. Besides…" she added over Visionary's groan, "Don't you want to see Lisa open whatever gift you got her?" The Lair Chairman's soaked, unshaven and bedraggled head came up. "Um… gift?" Asil continued fluffing the pillows on the couch perhaps a little too vigorously. "Are you absolutely sure that the Doody-head even needs a party?" she grumbled again. Admittedly, Visionary and Cheryl only saved her a room in the condo for when she was in town, but it still felt like her private space was being invaded. "Personally, I'm not entirely sure she's worth celebrating. Nobody celebrates Visionary, after all." "Well, not his arrival, in any event" the Diabolical Doctor Moo noted wryly from her chair by the fireplace. "But still, even you have to concede that giving birth is something a little extra special." Asil refused to acknowledge the cow-woman directly, although if they could be, her ears would have pressed back as the scientist spoke. "Maybe…" she said instead, "She's just really fat." Cheryl entered the room, bringing in extra chairs to set around the coffee table. "Be nice, dear…" she said with a gentle chuckle. She stood back to observe the room. "There, I think that should do nicely… and with time to spare. Thank you so much for both of your help!" Moo shrugged. "I like to take Sunday off from villainy anyway, and how often does one become an aunt?" Asil wondered briefly what kind of a title the baby might someday call her, other than 'clone of mom'. Not coming up with any good possibilities, she instead looked on the upside of Lisa having a child: Once he was a teenager, he'd likely agree with Asil's whole 'doody-head' stance… probably even more openly than Visionary. "So where is the great man, anyway?" "So…" Visionary said, looking at the rows and rows of baby items at 'Mother Goose's Mega-Nursery Emporium', "What does an infant really want?" "Sleep" Fleabot suggested. "Well… that, and easy access to breasts." Visionary tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I could relate to that, I suppose." He looked up and down the aisles. "Still, perhaps we should focus on what Lisa might want instead. What kind of things can she expect to deal with after the baby is born?" Fleabot considered it. "I'd say… baby puke in her hair and on her clothes… not to mention various other body fluids… both his and hers, actually." The Legionnaire was beginning to look a bit squeamish. "Um, yes… and what kind of gift would that suggest to you?" "A tarp?" the faux-insect suggested gamely. "Or maybe we could have her laminated…" Visionary glared at him. "You're not helping" he noted. "Hey" Fleabot responded with a shrug, "You're the genius who brought along a microscopic robotic flea for baby gift advice." He glanced at the Legionnaire's watch. "In any event, you'd better get a move on… the party has probably already started…" Xander the Improbable and the Gifts for Lisa The time of Lisa's giving birth drew ever more imminent, and many of the Lair Legion, and their close associates and acquaintances, were paying tribute to the expectant mother-to-be. Xander, in turn, arrived at the Lair Legion Headquarters and was greeted by Troia, who was actually on duty, there seeming to be a break in between her compassionate leaves! Upon explaining that he was not Greek, but was bearing gifts, Troia established that Lisa was currently in residence at Visionary and Cheryl's nearby condo, and was receiving guests, especially if they were bearing gifts. [It would seem, according to rumour, that her ideal visitor (although perhaps less so in her current state) would be a well-proportioned young man, unattached, bearing Kool Whip in one hand and chocolates in the other.] Xander's gifts were two in number, but diverse in size. The first was easily portable; the second required the assistance of some of the local urchins, from Hell's Bathroom, to carry it. The urchins in question were discharging their duty to the Xander, having been caught doing what they shouldn't in the Mage's garden. The nature of this activity may be further documented in a future narrative. The large parcel was presented first, as Xander explained "This gift is for the use of the child" The contents were revealed to be a crib with carvings both intricate and delicate, as Xander continued to explain a little about the gift. "This crib has been hand-fashioned to be an exact replica of the Crib of Solomon - one of a series of artefacts of great mythological power. Its most potent power is that of bestowing restful sleep to any who lie within." An additional feature was eagerly demonstrated by the Master of the Mystic Crafts - "a small modification of my own is the inclusion of a (near silent) clockwork mechanism to gently rock the crib unattended, and a small musical movement to play a lullaby." The small gift was then presented, with a typical flourish, and the words "This gift is intended for the mother-to-be." The proffered parcel was received with a mixture of intrigue and pleasure. The label was inscribed, in a flowing hand, with the words: - When selecting a gift, In the end I did find In their nature you'll see For respects we will pay We wish you great joy Have a great time To Lisa the mother Lisa I do pray You know we support you Or to sum it up -"All because the Lady loves...[censored for publication]" As Lisa looks up from the verse to pass comment she realises that Xander, as usual, is not there when it happens. He has melted away into the background and taken his leave. She decides that she will have to pass her comments to the Mage next time they meet. "What do you suppose this is?" Visionary asked, picking up an object that seemed to be two funnels on an adjustable arm connected to some battery operated contraption. "That would be a breast pump, sir" a saleswoman said, suddenly speaking directly from behind him. "Gah!" the Legionnaire jumped, startled. "It's a… a what now?" he managed, when he caught his breath. "A breast pump" she said slowly, eyeing him as if he should have some visible sign of mental illness about him. "You know… for breast milk?" It took a moment for the implications of the two funnels to dawn on him. "You mean… she's suppose to put… and then it…" he stammered, then quickly putting the device back on the shelves and crossed his arms in front of him. "For God's sake, why?" The saleswoman shrugged as she gathered her pricing gun and wandered off down the aisle. "Sometimes a mother likes to store up breast milk so the baby can be fed while she's away. It can be stored in a refrigerator for later use." Visionary silently vowed to drink no milk out of the Lair's kitchen for the next five years, just to be safe. "So… uh… what do you think? It's a little out of our price range, but I suppose we could have Enty make one using a wetvac or something…" "Sometimes…" Fleabot said, shaking his head, "sometimes… you just scare me." " And now, is Yo turn!!! " enthusiastically Yo cried, giving her a parcel with purple envelop. " And you aren´t going to guess what is being." Lisa watched Yo and sweetly smiled. Afterwards, she watched the BZLers. Hatman and Goldeneyed seemed to making bets about what kind of bunny Yo would gift her. Till now, ALL the celebrations have been characterised for a bunny gifted by Yo… Just the color of the beast used to be the surprise. Unfortunately, chances were Yo insisted in putting the cute rabbit with cute fleas, within the cradle. TACHINNNNGGGG... Lisa continued smiling, she was preparing her best " what a surprised Yo" face for the moment. Yo´d be hurt if she only said "great or wonderful". She would have to hug her/him, and to swear the bunny was the best gift anyone could give her… But everything for a Yo-smile, thought the first Lady at board. Well, that wasn´t a bunny after all. Surprisingly was some kind of odd device. Yo was explaining its functions. S/He was telling that the odd machine was used on Yo planet to take care of cute babies. Lisa wondered what happened with the uncute ones ... Yo continued confusedly commenting, how the odd invention could cut the baby hair and keep the cutie clean and happy. She wouldn´t have even to worry about the diapers. Unfortunately, Yo hadn´t thought human babys were less resistance to centrifugation than Yo-planet ones. However, Lisa's smile brighten and hugged toughly her genderless team-mate. She knew Yo loved her. "My wish to Lisa: I hope you will be as happy in your life as you make us feel. That is =)" "We're missing the shower" Fleabot reminded him tersely. "Pick something already and let us get out of here!" "There's just so much to choose from…" Visionary said, examining something called a 'Diaper Genie'. A salesperson had recommended it… It stored used diapers in a state that resembled long strings of sausages linked together. It was an image that would surely haunt the poor Legionnaire come next Oktoberfest. "The sooner you pick out a gift…" the tiny robot noted enticingly, "the sooner we can get back into the car, where the Superbowl is on the radio…" "Well, I suppose she can always return it if we save the receipt…" Visionary noted judiciously as he snatched the next thing he saw off the shelves. My dearest Ms Waltz, Please accept my very best wishes for your upcoming natal event. If the little chappie takes after you he won’t do so badly, I’m sure. Sorry I can’t be there – spot of unpleasantness in Chipping Sodbury which requires my attention – but I trust your shower is very pleasant and enclose a bath cap which I trust you will find useful. On the subject of gifts, please find enclosed antique silver apostle christening spoon. First came to my attention in the Curious Affair of the Bishop of Tudbury and the Exploding Verger. This is the very spoon with which Hastings Vernal stirred the laxative into the abominable Mister Spitalbutt’s brandy toddy (although has been thoroughly washed since), and still retains the blessing placed upon it by the Archnabob of Bhaniphur thereafter. Not entirely certain of its original provenance, although understand it did a bit of adventuring with old Knifey back in the 1860’s (before they split up, bad business, they don’t like to talk about it, I understand some Swiss army knife came between them), but Retrieved the implement from inside a valve radio repaired by my old friend Phineas Quimby the EccentricEtherInvestigatorInventor!, where he’s stuck it in lieu of a line fuse to enable me to pick up tomorrow’s cricket results. You may find it still retains a bit of a chronal charge, but please don’t worry as this may come in useful at so some point anyway. Anyway, trust you have pleasant time showering. I know Asil is very excited that her doody-head is going to be a mum, although she is unsure why you would want to use the tummy-swelling long route when Moo could have sorted it out so much easier. She supposes you don’t trust your sister, although I cannot uphold young Asil’s assertion that dear Moo is in fact a “vast evil heifer.” Yours sincerely Mumphrey Wilton KBE GCB GCMG CGVO FRS Cheryl cast Asil a pointed look as they went into the kitchen to get more snacks. "Well, how was I supposed to know she would read that part out loud?" Asil stated, although she was doing a decidedly mixed job of keeping her guilty look from breaking into a small grin. The Lair's PR director shook her head. "Remind me to give you a few lessons in diplomacy, dear…" she chuckled. spiffy was getting himself another glass of punch. "Used silverware" he snorted, "…and here I thought Messy gave cheap gifts." Asil cast the weedy little hero a dark glance. "I'll have you know that Sir Mumphrey spent quite a bit of time deciding on that gift!" she retorted. "Besides, I haven't seen your gift to the doody-head laying around." Even his fern managed to look a little guilty. "Well, uh… it's on back-order… that's all" he assured them. "Really" he added. "Honest." Asil glared at him until he retreated back to the living room. "Can I borrow the keys to the garage, please?" she finally asked. Cheryl shook her head. "You leave the weed-whacker where it is, dear." The Hooded Hood does not do baby showers. The Hooded Hood had far more important things to do than coo about how large Lisa was, or speculate on the colour of the child’s hair, or when it would be spawned. He knew anyway. However, the Hood was not actually doing the more important things. The Hood had taken time off from his heavy schedule of world domination for some light relaxation. The assault task force from the Little Sisters of Discipline were preparing their retaliatory strike against the heroes who has so badly damaged their organization just a few months earlier. Their highest-scoring alumni (except the diabolical Dr. Moo, who does not do house calls, and never goes to the reunions anyway) were assembled, pain-prods at the ready, to attack and overcome the heroes of the Parodyverse while they were distracted by their congratulations. “We go in, we randomly kill a few of them, and we leave with that damned slut,” HuntingJustice DeathMarrow summarized the plan. “Then we make her wish she had never been born, let alone dared to procreate.” “The child will be ours,” Mother Not-Quite-So-Superior promised (Mother Whiplash, the normal Superior, was currently in jail after the events of Untold Tales #29), “and then we will be revenged for the loss of our beautiful orphanage!” “And having our public cover blown,” Sister Flaywell spat. “And having to hide out with the ass-raping ninjas,” Sister Corset snarled “And not being able to sit down,” Sister Heelspike added. “Enough talk,” HuntingJustice DeathMarrow declared. “Now we strike!” The cowled crime-czar judged that this was the appropriate moment to loom out of the shadows. “Good evening,” he bade them. “The Hooded Hood!” Mother NQSS gasped. “Out of our way, male. Our business tonight is with Lisa and her little friends!” “I think not,” the Hood smiled coldly. “This would be an… inauspicious time to interfere. It lacks a certain class.” “You cannot stop us,” DeathMarrow warned, bringing two vast shattercannons to bear upon the grey-swathed archvillain. “I do not need to,” the Hood pointed out. “It would be immeasurable folly for you to enter combat given the unfortunate addition of caustic soda in the last wash of your foundation garments,” he suggested. The Little Sisters suddenly found their clothing very itchy. “And the serious food-poisoning from the curry binge you all went on last night,” he reminded them. They had all forgotten wolfing down four vindaloo masalas each the previous evening before pain practise. “And mistakenly taking cover in that patch of poison oak earlier,” he pointed out. The Little Sisters were rolling on the floor as if it was a Corman movie. “I think it best if you all go home and save your revenge for another day, don’t you?” suggested the Hood. He didn’t do baby showers, but in his own way he wanted to contribute a little something to the day. "Things seem to be going well, don't they?" Cheryl noted. "I mean, for a Lair get together… So far it doesn't look like I'll even have to issue any apologetic press releases for the day." The Dark Knight grunted. "The sodding day's not over yet." "True" Hatman agreed, "But aside from when Finny accidentally sat his huge dragon ass down in the chair that Exile was already using, the personal injuries have been kept pretty low." He glanced over to where NTU was using assorted spatulas and levers and a homemade version of the 'jaws of life' to try and pry the hero out of the crushed Lay-Z-Boy recliner so they could take him to the infirmary. "Don't remind me" the Knight growled. "While I'm here, the whore-hopping politicians and worse are burrowing their slime sucking carcasses deeper into what is becoming the maggot infested heart of a corrupt, syphilitic city like tapeworms through an infected colon." Hatman cast him a sidelong glance. "You're kinda new to this whole shower thing, aren't you?" "... So I bought all five of the Justice League hardcover editions, as well as the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, Thor, Avengers and X-Men Marvel Masterworks collected volumes, and took them to a special book-binding shop to have all the pages extra-laminated to be resistant to baby drool. Check it out! You could sneeze with a full swig of Mountain Dew in your mouth, and it'd just wipe clean off the pages! I even put removable rubber pads on the book corners, so that he can't hurt himself. Christopher will love it!" "Thank you, Dream. I'm sure the baby will be delighted with his little piece of archived comic book history - as soon as he learns to read, or at least until he discovers that books are not for eating. Now, Meg, dare I ask what's on this DVD you've handed me?" "My latest movie, produced entirely with you and the lil' bun in your oven in mind - 'Alice Does Wonderland', the first-ever family-friendly porn film. Y'know, I gotta thank you, Lise; even tho' I've been lookin' t'do this particular project for a while, I might never a' got 'round to it if you hadn't gone an' gotten yourself knocked up. Knowin' that I only had until the baby shower to finish up this film finally gave me the incentive I needed to wrap it up, since I wanted t'make sure that your rugrat-to-come got spoiled rotten with gifts." "Not that I'm not appreciative of your efforts, Meg, but as a soon-to-be mommy, I have to ask... are you sure that this video will be appropriate for little children, like Christopher?" "Of course! Don't worry, honey. I got common sense enough t'understand that my way a' raisin' kids ain't exactly suited for everybody, so even tho' I didn't have any problems with lettin' Dream watch my strip shows or porno movies when he was still a tater tot, I respect that you might not cotton to havin' your Christopher brought up bein' exposed to that type a' stuff. So, I twisted a few arms, an' had my co-producers put out a G-rated version of the flick, on the same tape." "You can't be serious? In order to do that, you would have had to have re-edited the entire film. I mean, that wouldn't just involve cutting out all the foul language and the sex scenes. You'd also have to have rewritten large parts of the script, and reshot most of the film itself from scratch. What porn film producer would agree to fund that?" "Well, I did hafta throw a bit a' my own tip money from stripping into the mix, but not as much as you'd expect, since I was able t'convince Greg Dark, the director, that it'd be kinky and twisted, even by his own outlandish standards, to release both a G-rated an' a triple-X rated version of the same smut flick on the same video. I'm givin' it t'you on DVD so that you can digitally lock out the adult director's cut a' the film, until y'reckon he's old enough." "I can't believe you spent all this time and effort, just on a gift for my shower. How much must this have cost?" "Awww, it ain't like I went to no big trouble. Now that he's become a big-name celebrity superhero, Dream refuses to let me donate even a dime towards his college tuition, so aside from the sexual abuse an' domestic violence charity groups that I put most a' my earnings from my strip shows into, I ain't got all that much t'blow my cash on, aside from myself. Hell, you'd be surprised how many gals in the industry were willin' to work on this project, for close to about half their usual pay scale, just 'cause they felt the same way." "Really? And they were able to - erm, conform to the standards of an al-ages audience?" "Darlin', the cast we got ahold of was outstanding! Jenna Jameson as Alice, Janine Lindemuller as the White Rabbit, Asia Carrera as the Cheshire Cat, Christy Canyon and Ashlyn Gere as Tweedledum and Tweedledee, Jeanna Fine as the Mad Hatter, Stephanie Swift as the March Hare, and yours truly as the Queen a' Hearts. I even managed to pull in a few favors an' get Felecia, Dyanna Lauren, Anna Malle, Kaylan Nicole, Summer Knight, an' a few a' the other ladies who've stopped by the Deja Vu Showgirls chain to do came roles, as playin' cards or whatever." "I ... I honestly don't know what to say, Meg. Thank you. I still feel you did too much, though. Any old present would have been good enough; it's not like Christopher isn't going to be inundated with gifts anyway." "Let me tell you somethin'. Ever since Dream first went to school, he was so proud that his mommy was an actress, who got to play pretend stories all day, but he was always sad that he couldn't show any of my work to his friends. If it makes you feel any better, I didn't do it just for you. I liked the idea that, at least this once, my work could be appreciated by somebody other than all those sweaty-palmed perverts who hang out behind the curtained-off back room at the video rental shop. I wanted to make a film that your baby could enjoy, without havin' to show proof of age. And for once, I wanted my own baby to be able to point to the screen and say, 'That's my mom!' without bullies pickin' on him. You give this to your cutie, and you smother him with hugs an' kisses every chance you get, okay?" "Deal. I only hope I can manage to be half the mommy you've been, Meg." "Oh, please, Lise. A born nurturer like you? You're settin' your sights low, sweetheart." "Damn reception…" Visionary swore as he fiddled with the radio dial. "You know, we never used to have this kind of problem before Enty borrowed the original radio to build a… um…" He scratched his head. "What the hell did he build out of it, anyway?" "I believe parts of it went into the electric Foos-ball table." Visionary thought about it. "Well… okay, I actually kind of enjoy that one. But still…" "Would you forget about the game?" Fleabot grumbled. "The whole point of this trip was to get something for Lisa's shower… any score you might hear was just a bonus." "I don't even see why I should have to go shopping for her anyway…" the Legionnaire grumbled. "She's never liked me." "Now what would make you say that?" "Oh, I don't know…" Visionary said sarcastically, "How about the time she tried to frame me for the murder Jarvis was accused of committing!" "Well…" Fleabot began diplomatically, "Jarvis was innocent, after all…" "So was I!!!" Visionary insisted forcefully. "Yes, but you weren't her client, after all…" the faux-flea pointed out. "Besides, I'm pretty sure she was the one that suggested you for the Lair's leadership spot…" Visionary's hands tightened on the wheel and his teeth began to grind. "Um… maybe it would be better if we forgot I mentioned that… " Fleabot decided quickly. It was a day unlike any other for Lisa L (for Lucifer :P) Waltz. She'd recently been informed that aside from being the field commander of the Lair Legion, she was also expected to carry an infant to full-term. So she thought she'd have a fairly stressless pregnancy, by making the entire Lair Legion her willing slaves. Besides, it was *so* incredibly entertaining watching the pathetic Visionary be on her beck and call for months, all the while whining about her being evil. Whilst lying on the couch, she encountered a rather unusual baby-shower present- upon opening it, she discovered that it contained a rather unusual energy form. And this energy form entered her being, filling her with emotions so intense that for the first time in years, Lisa Waltz was made aware of how deeply she'd touched the lives of those around her. Every act of kindness Lisa'd ever given a BZLer was now felt through their eyes- she relived their happiness and the knowledge of just how deeply she'd touched them. And an eternity away, the Chronicler allowed himself a small, benevolent smile. "A very sweet gift" the cosmic being formerly known as Jury and currently known as Shaper of Worlds noted. "And I suppose she deserves it, even if we didn't quite get along when I was Jarvis's girlfriend." That was, she figured, as nicely as one could put it. "Every act of kindness, eh?" Quoth mused out loud in the Chronicler's study. "That must add up to quite a bit." "Indeed" Nevermore replied with a wink. "Especially when the fleet comes in." Goldeneyed's attempts to wrap Lisa's present before the baby shower ends are failing miserably, and he ends up holding a mess of wrapping paper and tape. Frog-Man's grandfather had given Bry two pieces of advice before he died: Never let the little things keep you down, and avoid baby showers at all costs. But it was a special day, and Lisa was a good friend. Any minor injuries or embarrassments would be alright for a few hours. About an hour after he arrived at the shower, it was time for Lisa to open her gifts. Goldeneyed was wiping a spot on his costume that was accidentally stained by spiffy's coffee. Only he could find a way to visibly stain a black costume. Lisa went through a few presents, and eventually came to Goldeneyed's. "Uh..." she said, looking at the horribly messy wrap job. She tugged, ripped, and even threw, and finally the wrapping came free. Lisa opened the box inside to find a baby book called, "Why does that man have a plant on his head?" There was also a plastic dish set for the baby which was broken in many pieces due to the unwrapping process. Just when Lisa was about to give her 'thank you', Goldeneyed pulled out another gift. This one was well-wrapped, so it obviously wasn't done by Bry. Inside was a picture in a frame of Frog-Man. He wrote on it, "Hope your little boy or girl is happy and healthy! That is unless it's a space mutant, or some kind of creature... Why did I write that? Ag, I shouldn't of written this in marker..." The rest of the night was pretty normal (or as normal as it gets) for Lisa. Goldeneyed, however, had to burn the remains of his costume. Cheryl looked at the clock on the mantle and frowned. "Visionary should have been back by now…" she noted worriedly to Yo. "Not to be worrying!" the cheerful Legionnaire replied happily. "I am thinking that he will be in by halftime." Cheryl arched an eyebrow as she caught Asil frantically gesturing at Yo in an attempt to stop the Pure Thought Being from continuing. Yo enthusiastically waved back. "All right Asil… spill it. Where is he?" "Move a little to the left… no… too much…" Visionary's voice could clearly be heard. "Wait… wait… that looks pretty good. It looks like the Titan's have the ball on the fifty yard line…" "Actually…" Fleabot's voice answered, "I'm pretty sure that's a civil war reenactment on PBS… the game is on channel seven." With all the incriminating evidence she needed, Cheryl pressed the button on the garage door opener. Sure enough, it opened to reveal the two of them hunched over a 5 inch video screen… apparently from a Toshiba black and white video baby montior. They both froze with a look of dread in their eyes. "He made me do it!" Fleabot finally cried. "I thought we should go for the twelve pack of nipples, but he couldn't stop giggling about that one!!!" "You're the one who hurried me into deciding!" Visionary shot back. "But we wouldn't have been banned from the store if you hadn't insisted on starting all the 'Bounce & Sing Tiggers' at once while we were in the check-out line!" Fleabot retorted, then turned back to Cheryl. "The vibrations cleared the shelves for three aisles! Acoustical tiles were falling from the ceiling!" Cheryl gave her husband her best level stare… it always helped to hide her grins and leave him wondering just how much trouble he was really in. "Let me guess… you were just testing her present, right?" Visionary opened his mouth, but then apparently thought better about saying anything at all in this situation and just nodded vigorously. "And now that you have, you're going to pack it back up and come inside to present it, right?" she prompted. "Oh, yes… definitely" Visionary agreed. "Seems like the best thing to do" Fleabot concurred. Cheryl nodded and left them to their hurried repackaging. It wasn't until she got back to the front door that her grin escaped her. And then it was Donar’s turn. He was unusually quiet as he sat cradling his precious offering. It was wrapped in the softest goatskin, and bound by two delicate leather straps. Donar sat forth and presented it to Lisa…he bowed his head as if bestowing tribute to a dignitary. “This is for thee, milady. Though it may not look much, it is literally a gift from mine heart, to thee and thy most glorious manchild..” Lisa was used to this sort of respect from Donar, and as usual, it left her speechless. She could tell by the way that he was holding it that it was something quite precious to him. Something he may have even hesitated to give away, it meant so much. Yet, knowing the chivalrous nature of this fearsome looking warrior, she realised he would have dismissed such doubts as greed on his own part, and thusly, given the gift regardless.. She held the parcel in her hands. It was warm to the touch, and she felt attracted to it, as though it were alive. She looked to Donar's eyes, wishing to get his approval to open the offering. “Can I..?” “Aye Milady…simply untie that small bow at the top.” Visionary jumped up and down in the background “What is it? Did he give her Ausgardian Baby Booties or something? Lemme see!” Cheryl smiled as her unfortunate husband missed the goatskin falling open to reveal…a heavily jewelled golden ball. It was magnificent. It’s very presence lit the faces of those who saw it. Lisa felt immense joy. It was so warm…so soothing..so she felt kinda terrible when she asked“Uh..Donar? What is it?” Donar grinned, as if he was the one receiving the gift. “Tho it doth seem to be only a jewelled ball, it doth contain the true gift within. The orb is but a vessel, to contain the power and nature of mine true present” spiffy interjected.. “So how did you fit a blender in that thing?” “Tis not an offering one can hold, coat rack” “Then how is it being what?” Yo queried “Fair Lisa. Press thy fingertip on the seal of the Royal Family of Ausgard.” Lisa did so. What transpired amazed her. A bright calm light shone from the epicentre of the orb as it hummed with life in her palm. Her surrounding friends froze in place, transfixed in time, unable to see the true nature of the gift. She heard Donar's voice in her head, like one of those letter-reading voice overs in 50's crime movies. “Tis part of mine own Soul you wield Lisa. With that, my life essences will aide you in your times of need, and comfort you in times of sorrow." Only Donar and Lisa saw as the light weave around the orb, like little snakes of energy. And just as suddenly as they erupted, they returned to their repository. Finny was first to comment “I don’t get it…nothing happened.” “Better take it back to Tacky Ausgardian Trinkets R Us, Greek Guy.” Everyone looked disappointed Except Lisa, and her unborn son, who smiled for the first of many times to come. As Donar felt this, he smiled to himself…”Thou art welcome, young one” Visionary sat on his couch and, finally, flipped on the television. The party was mostly over, and since Zebulon had reported that the Lair was suitably cleaned up, the guests had gathered up Lisa's presents and escorted her back to the mansion. The only ones that remained now were Asil, Yo and Fleabot… none of which were particularly big football fans, but all of whom were willing to fake some level of enthusiasm for Visionary's sake. It turned out not to be particularly necessary, as the game had ended and the station was running a digitally remastered presentation of 'Heidi'. Visionary sighed in defeat. "That was a very nice gift you got the doody-head" Asil volunteered helpfully. "Yeah, even if the Lair already has more monitors in it than NORAD." Fleabot added less helpfully. Visionary glared at him. "Well, it might have gone over better if she hadn't been so distracted by that shiny thing Donar gave her." "You shouldn't complain… you're often distracted by bright and shiny objects yourself." Asil helpfully whomped the tiny robot with the heaviest pillow available. Yo looked at Visionary speculatively. "I am thinking that is not all you gave her…" The Lair Chairman groaned and buried his face in his hands. "I wasn't thinking straight… I needed to make things up to Cheryl… and my gift was pretty crappy…" "Yes" Yo agreed happily. "She can't hold me too it…" Visionary continued. "After last time, my even suggesting it was clearly a case of temporary insanity…" Asil looked at him curiously. "What did you do?" The Legionnaire sighed. "I kind of… sort of… might have said something about…" he gulped. "Babysitting for her… whenever she needed it." Fleabot and Asil looked at him in something akin to shock. Yo just smiled. "I always knew you were liking her." The low-whine of an electric engine could be heard throughout the LL mansion. Most of the BZLers were gathered in the livingroom, all giving the soon-to-be mother, Lisa Waltz, a gift for the upcoming newborn. She had just finished opening the presents and thanking each of them for bringing them. Remains of shredded wrapping paper lay at her feet, and boxes were piled waist-high at the side of the sofa. "I wish Ex was here." she muttered to herself. Valeria came. What right did he have not to. One could put off saving the world for one day. Suddenly, she saw it. A yellow forklift was humming down the hall towards her. A rather large crate covered in bright pink wrapping paper atop the twin forks. Derek was clearly visible behind the wheel, maneuvering the machine into the room. "Exile!!" Cheryl yelled. "What are you doing here with that... thing." "What?? A guy can't even drive a harmless forklift through a mansion anymore?" As Derek was saying this, his arm accidentally smacked the reverse throttle, sending the machine barreling for the rear wall. In about two seconds, the flat, beautiful sheet-rock was crumpled like a tin can. "Whoops" The entire crowd of heroes starred blankly at Ex, not believing what just happened. "Uh-oh" exclaimed Finny, putting his dragonic fingers in his ears and wishing he wasn't there. "Ummmm... Lise, before Cheryl kills me, could you open this? Oh.. you'll need this." said Ex, handing Lisa a crowbar. Lisa was dumbfounded at the contents. It was full to the brim with assorted brands of cookies. Featuring the talents of: Xander, Yo, Sir Mumphrey, the Hooded Hood, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, the Chronicler of Stories, Goldeneyed, Donar, Exile and Visionary |
| Lisa's Baby Shower... the story (Featuring the talents of: Xander, Yo, Sir Mumphrey, the Hooded Hood, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, the Chronicler of Stories, Goldeneyed, Donar, Exile and Visionary) (03-Feb-2000 01:16:37) |
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