Posted by De Brown Streak on August 17, 2001 at 07:09:51:
In a British TV studio, the lights go on
and the music blares as Terry Parkinson, beloved chat show host, descends the
steps and takes his seat to the applause of the studio audience.
Terry: “Evening, viewers, and welcome to another Talkin’ with Terry. And
let’s meet the people who’ll be talking with Terry tonight.”
Audience: Ecstatic applause (– well, that’s what it says on the card)
Terry: “Later in the programme we will be interviewing Mr Damian Saucerhead,
who claims he was kidnapped and rectally probed by aliens from the planet
Xnylone. We’ll be asking him just how far aliens are willing to go in their
quest for human knowledge. We’ve also got Dr Bolivian Trash, who’ll be talking
about his latest book, “Mutates: Menace or Threat?”, where he discusses the
recent world-wide awakening to the problem of genetically-powered beings amongst
us. But first, let’s have a big hand for our first guest…”
Terry looks straight to camera. “She’s known and loved by millions of daytime
soap fans on both sides of the channel. She’s been romantically linked with a
certain superdoing dragon. She’s here tonight to talk about her upcoming movie
debut. Ladies and gentleman, it’s Secret Hospital’s very own Chastity Love,
let’s have a big hand for… Lania!”
Lania comes onto the stage in a shimmering sequinned gown. Terry gets a big
theatrical stage kiss (on the cheek), and theysettle on the sofas.
Terry: “So my first question, Lania, has got to be… what happened to the rest
of your dress?”
Lania: “Oh Terry! Look, I just know the fans want to see more of me, okay?”
Terry: “Right. So tell us about this new movie role. Is there nudity
involved?”
Lania: “Only where its tasteful and enhances the plot. I actually get to play
this video game heroine who goes into ancient catacombs and…”
Suddenly, an interruption. From the back of the theater comes a sepia blur.
Then suddenly De Brown Streak is perching on the edge of Lania’s sofa.
DBS: “Hi, Terry.”
Terry: “Security?”
There’s another blur or movement. Suddenly eight burly security guards are
tied up in the floor.
DBS: “Like I said, hi Terry. I’d like to make a statement to camera.”
Lania: “Hey, I know you. You’re that De Brown Streak guy who’s on the most
wanted list.”
DBS: “Yeah. So?”
Lania: “You pic doesn’t do you justice, honey.”
DBS: “Thanks. Uh, you’re not quite how I pictured you, either.”
Lania stretches. “And just how did you picture me, Streaky?”
DBS is puzzled. “Well, kind of less pretty. And more… male.”
Lania: “Huh?”
DBS: “You… you are Dr Bolivian Trash, right? The mutant-hating bigot?”
Terry: “This is Lania, the actress. We changed the running order. Who want’s
to kick off with a bitter old man when we could wow the viewers with a sequinned
babe?”
Bolivian Trash: “Hey!”
DBS: “Lania? Hey, waitaminute. I think I saw you on Secret Hospital. You’d
just discovered that Brad was seeing Shana behind your back and you had a
revenge fling with the Dibney triplets.”
Lania: “You saw that? That was one of my favourite episodes.”
DBS: “You were the best thing in it. I thought the Dibneys were pretty
wooden. And frankly, Brad was out of his mind to prefer Shana to you.”
Bolivian Trash: “Hey! Doesn’t anybody care that this guy is a mutant
terrorist?”
DBS: “Doesn’t anybody care that this guy is a stunted fascist dweeb?”
Lania: “Doesn’t anybody care that my movie hits the cinemas next Thursday?”
Terry: “Mister De Brown Streak… can’t we just discuss this off-air? And not
be massacred by you? Please?”
DBS: “Look, I just want equal air-time to paranoid hatemongers like Trash,
that’s all. I demand a right to reply.”
Terry: “And you’re holding us hostage until your demands are met?”
DBS is puzzled again. “Hostage? I didn’t say anything about…”
Loudhailer from outside: “Okay you in the building. The place is surrounded!
Give up your hostages and come out peacefully. We have a thousand fully-armed
Sentinoids here ready to take you down!”
Bolivian Trash: “Hah!”
DBS: “But… but I only…”
Lania leaps up and hurls herself into DBS’ arms, whispers “Keep up with me,
Streaky,” then turns dramatically to camera. “Oh no! De Brown Streak is holding
me captive and will do me harm if the authorities try to take the building. I
urge all fans of Secret Hospital to phone their elected representatives right
now and tell them to muzzle the armed forces and stop them from turning this
situation into a bloodbath.”
DBS: “Bloodbath?”
Bolivian Trash: “Bloodbath? (faints).
Lania grins wickedly. “What’s more, unless De Brown Streak gets a chance to
state his case, right now on national television, and then gets given a safe
escape route, he’s… he’s going to ravish me, right in front of camera, in one
hours time.”
DBS: ?????
Terry: “And you saw it first on Talking with Terry.”
DBS is panicking. “Shut up, Terry. What the hell are you talking about,
Lania? I’d never… well, not unless you wanted… er, I mean…”
Lania pats his hand and winks. “You might be a hotshot urban guerrilla
superhero, Streaky, but I know media. You’re going to get your chance to talk to
the whole world and say what you need to to counter bigots like Trash, okay?
I’ve given you your platform. Make the most of it.”
DBS: “I suppose you have. Thanks.” He looks slightly disappointed. “So no
ravishing, then?”
Lania pouts at him. “Now without dinner, flowers, and candy first. Now talk
to that camera before the folks at home get suspicious.”
DBS turns back to camera, but Terry has been listening to the news channel.
Terry: “Hey, we’re saved! Listen to this!”
News announcer: “And this just in about the Lania hostage siege. Reports are
now confirming the arrival of a large angry Makluan dragon over the television
studio…”
DBS: “Ah, crap!”
To be continued (by Lania)