Posted by Donar on February 10, 2001 at 18:19:40:
The door to LoR HQ slammed shut with a mighty BANG, as doors are wont to do.
"Hail? I hath returned anon!" Donar proclaimed. "Mine sojourn home hath ended, let the feast be declared begun!"
Donar was met with no reply...or is that "was not met with a reply"..uh "
A reply ignored his Demigod ass. He walked further into the house, around some of the yet to be unboxed televisions.
"Heilsa?"
A teary Cheryl greeted him in the kitchen. "Oh, Donar..I didn't hear you come in.." She wiped a stray tear from her cheek.
"What art wrong, milady Cheryl?" Donar asked, somewhat alarmed? "Art everything alright? Visionary? Lisa?"
Cheryl sat Donar down, placing a hand on his shoulder, in a comforting gesture."I'm afraid it's Troia, Do. She's left us."
"The Amazon hast moved? She hast ventured to fight crime in Utah?"
"Uh...No, Donar, she's dead. I'm sorry."
"She died in Utah?"
"No...here."
"She cameth back from Utah to die?"
"......She was never IN Utah, Hon. She was here. From what we can tell, Chronic snuck in while she was asleep, and atomized them both."
"Aye...Tis a sad joy indded...she has died in glorious battle, like a true warrior born. Howe'er..I feel such....grief?"
"It's ok Hon...you can cry."
Donar stood abruptly. "Taketh this not the wrong way, my fairest of maidens, but Hemigods cry not...plucking nasal hair excluded, of course. Something ought be done. I smelleth a rat."
Visionary walked in almost on cue. ( On cue woulda been nice, but he can never do anything right the first time ) "What can you do though? I mean..she'd gone."
Donar smiled knowingly. "Mortals." He remarked, mostly for his own amusement. "They never fail to amuse me."
Donar spun Mjalcolm about his head in a frantic manner, after running out onto the front lawn. ( Cheryl had laid down a law, mainly for Enty and Donar's benifit that there were to be no dimensions opened indoors...."even if it WAS raining, thankyouverymuch Donar."
Yo however, the two repeatedly pointed out, was still allowed to fill the house with Happy Place bunnies at his/her whim.)
As perception began to spin aroun him, and light bent to encase his form, he commanded Mjalcolm to take him forth. "Tarry not mine weapon, for we shalt set foot 'pon Valhalen's shores..ANON!"
And sure enough, with the right amount of thunder, lightning and visual distortion later, Donar was at the front desk, ringing the bell."
"I art coming, hold thy oxen" an aged voice muttered as Donar annoyingly played with the bell. "Keepeth down the noise, art thou trying to waketh the dead?" Before Donar stood a bony old man, long white hair and beard, wearing robes of an almost Roman style.
"Hypnos" Donar remarked. "I wouldst laugh if thy joke were not older than thee. How art business anyway...keeping well?"
"Aye, Oldmanson...e'er since the merger, business is good. I know not WHY we pantheons did not consolidate sooner." Hypnos replied, referring to the fairly recent amalgamation of the godly death realms. The Ausgardians, Olympians, Austernals, and Sumerian relams had joined into one group venture to strengthen their grip on the Afterlife marketplace. "The deal was good, but the paperwork shall be the death of me.."
"Hypnos, I beg thee...spare me the puns. If thou dost not, thou shalt be confronted with the Mistress of Fish Punnage 'fore thou canst say "Kalamazoo"."
"Very well, Odinson, I shall cease...how can I help thee?"
"I seek a newcomer...two, actually. A heroic Amazonian, and a generic evildoer. This week sometimeth."
"Hmmm." Hypnos muttered intelligently, scraping a long twisted nail down a list of names."Aha..here. Diana? Nay, that art next month. Ah. Troia...215? She doth sound like a licence plate."
"And the cad that didst dispatch her in a most cowardly manner?"
"About the same time...Chronic...hhmph. His signature looks like is sayeth "Spanky" or somesuch."
"And they art here?"
"Only in the literal sense. Chronic art through the third door down the left, after the water cooler in Purgatory. Troia art...oh dear. That can't be righteth."
"What? What art wrong??" Donar stated in an alarmed manner, for the second time today. He knew for some, death was not the worst thing that could happen to someone...nor was it the last.
"Seems she art here, in Valhalen. But Amazonians usually go forth unto the Elysian Fields. Doth pass most strangeth..through here..I am sure thou knowest the way by now."
Donar went up the staircase of enemy's skulls and entered the halls of Valhalen. It seems a fight was in progress, as usual...the female voice however, seemed out of place."
"Get away from me you frikkin morons, I'll kick ALL of your asses...Just cause i don't have my spear doesnt mean..*CRUNCH* Oh that is IT!! You're dead, pal..*SMAK* YOU HIT LIKE A GIRL! *SLAM* Howda ya like THAT Sven? Eat shield! *PTANG*"
Donar had found Troia.
"Halt!" He cried out in old Norse. "Sjitten Downagain, Or Ibee Knjocken Jur Teethouten."
The warriors picked up their weapons, shields and various severed limbs and went back to the feasting hall, as per Donar's summons.
Troia stood before him, eyes narrowed from battle rage. "YOU!" she exclaimed, running at the Oldmanson.
"Uh Oheth" Donar stated. Troia yelled, then hugged the Thunder God like he was a teddy bear. "Thank GODS there's a familiar face. Where the HELL am I? Last Thing I know, Chronic rigged some lightshow to scare me, then I'm fighting for my life in a mass of brain dead Norwegians."
"Twould be mine fault milady. Thou art in Valhalen. Afterlife of those slain in battle. Thou hast died.."
"...If I'm dead, why arent I in the Elysian fields? Why am I in the middle of a Norse Buck's Party?"
"..mine fault entirely. I didst asketh long ago of mine Father that all heroes that I didst care for were to be treated as mine own family pon their demise. Seems, he didst taketh it literally."
"......so where the hell is that Chronic schmuck? I'll give HIM "finish it." goddammit."
"He art in Purgatory. It art a waiting room for those not evil enough fo Hell. Seems suicide, e'en to destroy thy foe, art a sin. And yet, he didst show mercy by not slaying thee while sleeping....preferring to be a total Pjussy by setting off a bomb instead."
"The bastard...he cheated. I was winning the real fight."
"I didst read the report on the way here...thou DIDST giveth him a groin kick.."
"That's fair game. He doesnt want 'em kicked, leave 'em at home."
"Anyways, mine job art thus...here is thy correct paperwork. Due to the grievious mishandling of your file, Death Pty. Ltd. have offered thee two options....thou canst go straight on to the Elysian Fields with no memories of this transgression, and full comprehensive Chariot insurance for 30,000 years..or, thou canst returneth to Middlegard and live on."
"Hmmm." Troia pondered..."Gimme a minute to think. Insurance eh?"
To be continued soon.
;)