Tales of the Parodyverse

The Ham-Tastic Adventures of ham-Boy, Numbuh 2


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L!
Mon Oct 13, 2003 at 12:02:23 am EDT
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The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 2.

Goth Haven, a vast metropolis.
The loft appartment of Fred Harris AKA Ham-Boy.
A couple days after THE phone call*,

"Ok, I am going to call." says Fred to himself, he has been saying that ever since Amazing Guy called. He has Amazing Guy's number on a piece of paper in his hand "555-Hero, extension 01."

*WRITER'S NOTE: Fred recieved a call from Amazing Guy and he doesn't know why.

Fred picks up the reciver & starts to dial. He stops & put the reciver down. He's neverous, no major super hero has ever called him. The Parodipolis Mayor's office called once, but what he was called about was handled by the Lair Legion. He always felt like he flew under the radar of the major heroes. He doesn't feel right calling Amazing Guy. He is Amazing Guy, the Amazing Guy, the leader of the JBH.

For that last couple days, thoughts like that have been going throught his mind. Why does Amazing Guy want to meet him ? Did he do something wrong ? Should he show up in costume or not ? Where should they met, certainly not at his appartment or the barn back at home. Where is the JBH HQ, the Lair Legion has the Lair Legion Mansion on Lair Legion Isle, Where is the JBH's JBH Mansion ? These thoughts and more go throught his mind every time he goes to call.

"Ok, I am going to do it." he says.

He picks up the reciver & starts to dial.

555-4376

It rings & rings for a couple minutes.

"Hello & welcome to the JBH phone system. Who would you like to talk to ? Certainly not me, no one ever talks to me. " said a depressed female voice.

"Uh, Amazing Guy."

"He's not here. Would you like to leave a message ?"

"Sure, could you tell him that I am returning his call. This is Ham-Boy."

"Ok. I am sure you are going hang up now, everyone does. No wants to talk to me."

Fred feels a bit bad but hangs up.

"I wonder why that woman is so depressed ?" he thinks.
---------------------------------

The next morning, around 5 am.

*ring*
*ring*

"It's the phone, who would be calling at this time of the night. Who even knows my number ? Amazing Guy knows my number, I called him & left a message with that depressed woman. Maybe it's Amazing Guy ?" Fred thought as he laid on his mattress. It was on the floor of his small room on the second floor of the loft. Fred gets up & walks out of the room, forgetting that the only way up or down from the second floor is by ladder.

"Oh, great!" Fred says outloud.

A mass of meat crawls out of Fred's meat locker, located a few feet from where he is falling.

"Uh!" he says as he hits the mass of meat, which has placed it's self directly under Fred.

*ring*
*ring*

Fred races to the phone and..

"Hello !" he said as he picked a cocktail weenie out of his ear. The meat has crawled back into the meat locker.

No one's on the other end, Fred hangs up & goes about is morning.

"What time is it ?"

He finds a clock.

"4:45 in the morning. I didn't even know there was a 4:45 in the morning."

He gets out a a box of his favorite ceral, Atomic Blasted Coco-Puffs with little sort of marshmallow type bits in the shape of skulls. He takes the box & sits down on the couch. Fred starts to eat the ceral as he turns on the TV.

"It picks up this bowling ball like it was a small cat. It's that amazing." said a short, brittish sounding man with orange hair. He was selling a special type of vaccum.

*click*

"Would like to make money in your spare time, well I know how. But, the cops found out & now I am in jail. So, don't do it."

Then a announcer says " a PSA from the council for a better life by way of cats."

*click*

"The winner of the Alan Rickman contest is this man right here, Mr. Ian Watson. How do you feel ?"

*click*

"Now, Jerry. Why don't you just go out with Elaine & take this axe, you know what happens next. BAM!"

"No, Kramer. Killing Elaine is not going to cover up the the death of George any more then the death of Newman will cover it up."

#Laughter#

*click*

"Come on down to Cowboy Buddy's. Where the food fight's back. "

*click*

"Come along. You belong. Feel the fizz. We have been waiting for you."

*click*

Fred looks over & notices that he has a message. He press the button on his answering machine.

*Beep* "First new message. Today, 4:43 am." said the answering machine.

"Hello, this Amazing Guy. I am just returning Ham-Boy's call. We need to stop playing this game of phone tag. I'll be by my phone for the next couple hours. We need to talk soon. Have an amazing day!"

*Beep*

"He called back! But why at this time of the morning ? Is he is in space or something ?" Fred thought.

Fred's attention turns to the screen again. Fred is shocked to see what's on the screen stairing back at him.

"Are we on ?" asks the man on the screen. The man is cartoonish, he was dressed up as a pirate, his jacket is a bright blue, his pants & boots are black. On his bright blue hat is a skull. His hair is a dark black.

"Oh, we are. Attention, Goth Haven. For I am the Evil Captain Crunch, leader of the super villian team, the Disgruntles. I am making this anoucement on Public Access becuase one, it cheap & two, well there isn't a number two." said the super villian.

"The Evil Captain Crunch, one of my greatest foe has formed a super villian team, why wasn't I told about this ?" Fred thinks as he eats some more ceral.

"This anoucement is going out to Ham-Boy, my arch-foe. Me & my team will be dropping a giant rubberband ball on the city of Goth Haven, which is where we think you currently do your super hero bussiness."

Shown behind ECC is a 5 foot tall, a couple feet wide ball of rubberbands.

"We will drop this ball around noon, maybe earlier. It will do one or all of these things. One, bounce killing tons of people, or at least hurting them. Two, making a crater & disrupt the normal day of the Goth Havenites. Or three, the most deadliest, it will explode sending little pieces of rubber into the air & cutting people & they bled to death or at least they will get bruises, which can be life threating. You have been warned, Ham-Boy. Try & stop us."

The Evil Captain Crunch turns to someone off screen.

"I think that went well. What ? The camera is still on. Well, turn it off."

The screen goes black.

"Oh, great. The Evil Captain Crunch is going to drop a rubber band ball on the unknowning public of Goth Haven. I have to stop it, but how ?" Fred thought as he ate more ceral.

As he eats, he thinks. His mind wanders on to other subjects like girls, super heroes, female super heroes, cats, female super heroes riding cats & other stuff. Then his mind wanders back to the Evil Captain Crunch & his rubber band ball then to the thought of a giant rubberband ball squeshing people.

"I know! I can call Jack. He knows everything." Fred says outloud.

"I hope he still has the same number."

Fred finds Jack's number & dials.

"Hello, Jack Squat, I know everything." said a voice on the other end.

"Hi, Jack!"

"Hi, HB. What can I do for you ?"

"Well, Robert Crunch* & his team of Super villians..."

"Yeah, they are going to drop a giant rubberband ball on the city of Goth Haven & hope to hurt people, what about it?"

*WRITER'S NOTE: Robert Crunch is the real name of The Evil Captain Crunch. Yes, Crunch is his real last name & he is the evil twin brother to the ceral icon.

"My question is how are they going to drop it ?"

"The word on the street is that they are going to drop it from a hot air balloon. A hot air balloon was reproted missing near Goth Haven, yesterday. The owner said a sea captain & a doctor stole it."

"Thanks, Jack. One other question."

"Yeah ?"

"Do you know why Amazing Guy would want to meet with me ?"

"Another word on the street is that Amazing Guy wants the JBH to feature up and coming heroes. He might have heard about you from the news or something like that and decided that you might have what it takes, kind of like a Kid Produce but with meat. So, Amazing Guy had Dark Knight do some research on possible members & is now is interviewing them."

"Ok. Who are the rest of the people ?"

"I don't Know."

"But, you are Jack Squat, the man who knows everything."

"Well, I don't. My all seeing eye dog does."

"Oh. Bye, Jack."

"Bye, HB."

Fred hangs up.

"The Disgruntles will drop the ball around noon from a hot air balloon, but where in town ?" Fred thinks to himself as he eats more ceral. The box is almost empty.
---------------------------------

Far from Fred's appartment, sit a group of men, shrouded in darkness. They too saw the Evil Captain Crunch's anouncement. The room is smoke filled. They are gathered around a long table, the only light visible is directly over the table. At the head of the table, a man speaks.

"Robert Crunch & his band of idiots will ruin our plans for the dreaded Ham-Boy. The Disgruntles must be stopped at all costs. We can only destroy the earth's meaty-est hero. We are the only one's with the right to." The man said.

Some laughed.

These men are part of a secert society called E.C.O.L.I. They want to Ham-Boy dead.

"Our first atempt failed, we cannot fail again." The man said as he hit his fist on the table.
----------------------------

A couple hours later, around 11.

Fred is dressed in his normal clothes, his costume is his back pack. Fred was going to wander the city to find out possible places where you could drop a giant rubber band ball on to the public. Fred is reading the newspaper comics, the only part Fred actually reads. Fred thinks if it that important it would be on TV.

"Heh, that's Garfield."

There is a knock at his door. Fred finds that strange, like with his phone number, no one really knows that he is here. Fred unlocks the door & opens it.

"Hello ?"

"Face it, Tiger. You just hit the jackpot." said a kindly female voice.

"Huh ?"

"Are you Bob Smith ?" She said as she stood there with a bundle of balloons.

"No. I just moved in a couple days ago, so Bob might have lived here before."

Fred was finding it hard to talk to her, he has never really felt like this around a girl. She's beautiful. Her long brown hair as tyed back in a ponytail, a pencil was stuck into the ponytail, two strans of her hair hang out in the front. Her emerald green eyes are all sparkly. Fred was finding it hard to not stare at her.

"Crap. My boss is going to kill me. Sorry to bother you. Bye, have a nice day." she said as he walked away.

"Wait." Fred called out to her.

"Yes."

"What's your name ? My name is Fred."

"Hi, Fred. My name is Amantha, my friends call me Amy. Nice to meet you."

They shook hands, then she turned & walked away. Fred just had his first big city crush.

Fred closed the door & looks at the front page of this morning's Goth HavenTimes "Asst. Mayor Macklinberg To Hold Rally." The rally is at Goth Haven City Hall at noon.

"That's it. The Disgruntles are going to drop the giant rubberband ball from the hot air balloon while the rally is happening."
------------------------------

In Parodipolis' warehouse district, near the docks, Robert Crunch reads the paper.

"Heh, that's Garfield."

Robert turns to the local news section of the paper.

"Asst. Mayor Macklinberg is holding a rally today, millions expected. That's where we will drop the ball." Robert thinks.

"Hey, Doctor. Is the Balloon ready ?" Crunch yells out to Dr. Peacock.

"Soon, all we need to do is load the ball in. Is the whole team coming ?"

"No. Kitty BoomBoom is on a mission, Auntie Freeze never gets up before 2 pm & Grammar didn't want to come."
-------------------------------

Goth Haven City Hall
11:45 AM

About 300 people showed up, one is Fred Harris.

"I thought there would have been more people." Fred thought as he looked around & up into the sky.

Fred looks at his watch, it's around noon. Coming from the east corner of the sky is a hot air balloon. Fred sees it but no one else does.

"We are going to start a little early, ok ?" Said Assistant Mayor J. Thomas Macklinberg.

"I have called this rally to announce my re-election campain."

Fred goes to change, the balloon comes closer.

"Uh, Robert...."

"It's The Evil Captain Crunch when were in public."

"Ok. Evil Captain Crunch, I think we have problem."

"What?"

Dr. Peacock points down & the bottom of the basket starts to break due to the weight of the ball.

"I Pleadge for a better, cleaner & safer Goth Haven." says Macklinberg.

"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Macklinberg. I have something to say."

"Who said that?"

"I did." said Fred, now is full costume.

"And you are ?"

"My name is Ham-Boy & coming from the east corner of the city is a hot air balloon. I have reason to believe that this rally will be attacked & that hot air balloon will be the cause. So, If this rally could be moved or called off."

"Sure. Anything for our city's super heroes. First, can I have photo with you."

"Uh, Ok."

"Smile!" said a Photographer.

"Everyone else move into the Press room."

The rally moves inside. Ham-Boy stays outside, he is a bit dazed by the flash of the camera.

"Where are they going?" Is the rally over." said the Evil Captain Crunch.

"Do we drop it or not ?" Dr. Peacock asks.

"No."

*RIP*

"To late." Dr. Peacock says as he watches the ball drop.

"What?" said Evil Captain Crunch as he turns towards Dr. Peacock & almost fall out the bottom of the basket. The ball hits the ground & falls apart in the middle of the street, a couple cars run over it.

"My decades worth of work, ruined." the evil Captain Crunch said as watched the ball get run over by a school bus.

"Thought you were going to put a bomb inside as a suprize for Ham-Boy ?" Dr. Peacock said.

"I was but when I thought of it, I already had done to much to add the bomb."

"Well, that was kind of anti-climatic." Fred said as he sat on the city hall steps.

"It was." said a voice from above Ham-Boy.

Ham-Boy looked up & hovering over him is Amazing Guy. His cape flapped in the wind.

"I had another apointment, I have same time & thought maybe we could talk now, if your not busy."

In the Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 3: Ham-Boy & Amazing Guy will have there meeting. Fred meets up with Amy again, will there be love ? Who is E.C.O.L.I. ? Some clues will be told next time.

To be continued.....


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