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Dancer, rather belatedly via HH. Explanation within.
Mon Nov 29, 2004 at 07:56:59 pm EST
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Untold Tales of the Lair Legion Dancer-Style #109¾: Captain Mud Joins the Lair Legion
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Apology Department: Aaagh! On 24th February 2003 Shep sent me one of her stories to proofread. It was a tie-in with the then-current Untold Tales storyline featuring the alternate nation-state of Candia, a strange country that shares its space with Canada through a bizarre vibrational anomaly. All I had to do was proofread it and then post it for her. I can’t recall that I ever did it. And while tidying up my hard drive just now I happened upon this gem of a story. Oops.

So sorry to Sarah and sorry to the board for denying this tale for the better part of two years (at least I’m pretty sure I never posted it). Here it is, in all it’s proofread glory at last. So imagine it’s Spring 2003. The new Lair Legion line-up of Finny, G-Eyed, CSFB!, Hatty, Sorcy, Ziles, Nats, Dancer, Trickshot, Cressida, and Pegasus has just debuted, and the team’s just encountered Candia in the recent Untold Tales arc, and particularly in UT#108: Candia, My Candia. Enjoy the trip down memory lane, and this very special lost episode.

HH


Untold Tales of the Lair Legion Dancer-Style #109¾: Captain Mud Joins the Lair Legion

[The scene: The Lair Legion Living Room. CSFB! and dull thud are playing Freedom Force on the Monitor Screen, Pegasus is composing a long list of things wrong with Finny, Hatman and Sorceress are sucking face, G-Eyed and Lisette are Not Speaking Again, Nats is, um, playing with his stick. Ziles and Dancer are reading the newspaper about how a new diamond shipment is arriving in town today. Dancer is noting how much good you could do with all those diamonds. Ziles is noting the exact transit route.]

Finny: Pay attention, Lair Legion.

G-Eyed: huh? Sorry, what was that, Finny?

Finny, gesturing to the huge guy in the ragged sack stood next to him: I’d like to introduce the new superhero on the block, Candia’s greatest champion – Captain Mud.

Lair Legion: …….

Finny: As part of establishing proper diplomatic relations with Candia we’re looking at an exchange programme. One of our heroes will spend some time with their superhero team, the Glorious People’s Crime Aparachiks…

Captain Mud: Or, as we like to call them, the GloPCrAps.

Finny: Er, yes. Meanwhile, Captain Mud will be trying out for the LL. Any questions?

Pegasus: Yes. Why is that man wearing a sack?

Captain Mud: Is the people’s sack. I am symbol of glorious people of Candia.

Sorceress: And that’s why they call you Captain Mud, right?

Captain Mud: Ah, you have been to Glorious People’s Republic of Candia!

Hatman: So who are we sending to become a GloPCraAp?

Finny: I was hoping for volunteers.

G-Eyed: I nominate spiffy.

Cressida: ~spiffy’s not here~

G-Eyed: Exactly. Everybody who doesn’t have time in their busy schedules to go to an icy wasteland where the main products are depleted uranium and body odour raise one hand – no, don’t feel you have to put your arm up, Captain Mud.

[Everybody puts their hand up quickly, except Nats. Nats is admiring his stick.]

Finny: Well, that’s settled then. Nats, you can set off in the morning. The Candians are sending a VIP oxcart for you.

Nats: Huh? Wha?

Dancer: That seems a bit unfair.

CSFB!: Nah, don’t worry. After all that Candia did to us they deserve Nats visiting them.

Finny: That just leaves the question of who’s going to look after Captain Mud during his visit with us. Dancer?

[It’s later now. Dancer and Captain Mud are on patrol]

Dancer: So how are you finding Parodiopolis, Cappy?

Captain Mud: Is very strange. Is full of strange customs like washing of hands after visiting urinal. And full of brazen women who shave their faces.

Dancer: Right. [*Tries to be bright and breezy*] So, let’s fight crime, shall we?

[Fifteen minutes later at the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar]

Dancer: Just wait here, Cappy. I have some clean clothes stashed away with, um, with a friend here.

[ManMan and Chronic look up from their coffees to see a very mud-splattered Dancer squelching past them.]

Manny: Er, what happened?

Dancer: Oh, you know. Fighting crime. Doing what it takes to bring justice to the mean streets. Etc.

Chronic: Er, yeah. And the, um, the mud?

Dancer: Oh, you noticed. Well, it seems that Finny’s mission briefing on partnering our Candian superhero in the war against evil missed out that his super-power is to generate copious amounts of high-pressure mud whenever he goes into action.

Manny: But you’re the Probability Dancer. You could make the mud go everywhere but onto you.

Dancer: This is the mud-splatter AFTER using the probability dancing, Manny. Like I said, copious amounts of mud. On the other hand, Argh! Yle Evillest of Socks is going to be in the spin cycle for some time after taking on Captain Mud.

Captain Mud: I am not being right to bring that sinister footwear to justice?

Dancer: No, you did just fine, Cappy. I think the people at the Acting Mayor’s dinner party were a bit surprised at your enthusiastic defence of their personal liberties, but I’m sure spiffy will calm them down once they dig him out.

Chronic: I’m pretty sure that ferns like, um, mud.

ManMan: I thought that was manure they liked.

Captain Mud: Oh. I can do manure too! I go back now and set this right, yes?

Dancer: No. Just wait there while I get changed. [Goes off to find another leotard]

Chronic: You’re not familiar with our language and customs yet, then, Captain? What Dancer was actually telling you was yes, she wants you to go back and look after Acting Mayor spiffy some more…

[Next day, in Fin Fang Foom’s office at the Lair Mansion, Dancer reports back on the Candian champion:]

Dancer: He seems like a pretty nice guy in a weird sort of way. But I feel kind of sorry for him. He’s missing his homeland. There’s nowhere in the city that does Candian cuisine…

Pegasus: Who wants to be able to order rancid turnips on cowpats?

Dancer: Actually, most Candians can’t afford posh food like turnip. It’s a pretty poor nation. When I took Cappy to show him the Seaman’s Mission for the Destitute, most of the hoboes there donated cash or clothing to him.

Goldeneyed: Have we heard how Nats is doing in Candia? *snicker*

Finny: He was a little bit take aback with the traditional welcome, where they beat him to a pulp with sticks.

Hatman: Actually, as it happens, that’s not a traditional welcome. But it seems that someone [glares at G-Eyed] in their briefing convinced Nats that the welcome ceremony had to be attended in the nude. That was the point they started hitting him.

G-Eyed: *snickers again*

Finny: It’s not too late to be sending another goodwill delegate, you know. Hey, wait a minute… if Dancer’s here with us, who’s looking after Captain Mud?

Dancer: Don’t worry, Finster. I sent him to look round the city with CSFB! and thuddy to keep him company. Finny? Why have you gone that colour, Finny?

[And in Parodiopolis…]

thuddy And this is what we call a bar. Well, the Fatal Toilet anyway. It is to bars what grunge metal is to the hymn-writing industry.

Captain Mud: Is where hard-working labourers of glorious nation come to discuss dialectics after hard day ploughing mud, yes?

CrazySugarFreakBoy!: You have so much to learn, Muddy. Did you learn nothing in that comic shop we took you to?

Captain Mud: That is important for hero to wear glasses when not in costume?

CSFB!: Well, that too. Didn’t you learn anything in the porn shop then?

Captain Mud: That your mother is very pretty woman, although with tragic lack of beard?

Cressida: ~~Or that men have some very strange ideas about how naked women tend to naturally pose?~~

thuddy: The camera never lies. Perhaps women just have a tendency to want to bend over and hold their ankles under strong light?

CSFB!: The point, Muddy, is that this is the land of the free. You can be anything you want here. And then the government will tax you for it.

Captain Mud: Is good. Very well then. Captain Mud is wanting to defect.

[Later, while Ziles is trying to calm Finny down so CSFB! and thud can safely come out of the bathroom…]

Dancer: This isn’t looking too good. It’s bad enough that the national hero of Candia wants to defect, but did he have to chain himself to Visionary until he was granted asylum?

Pegasus: Not really. That was my suggestion.

G-Eyed: On the bright side, the Candians say they’re going to keep Nats until Captain Mud is returned to them. With any luck the negotiations could go on for years.

Hatman: I feel really bad now. The Candians have so little yet we lure away the one thing they’re really proud of. I mean apart from the People’s Potato Museum.

Dancer: Okay, we need to fix this. I’ll go and talk to Captain Mud. Um, are he and Visionary still chained to the Twin Parody Tower?

Trickshot: Sure. To the revolving door. At least Vizh is getting some exercise.

[So Dancer heads to the Twin Parody Tower, and already a cunning plot is forming. Are you ready for this, boys and girls?]

Dancer: Hello Captain Mud, hello Vizh. You seem a little bit green.

Vizh: Nine thousand six hundred and thirty two revolutions of that damn revolving door and you would be too. Have you come to rescue me? Or perhaps shoot me in a mercy killing? Please?

Captain Mud: Keep back! I have mud and I’m not afraid to use it!

Dancer: No, it’s okay, I just came to bring you these coffees, see? Although thinking about it maybe that’s not such a good idea while you’re chained to a revolving door fifty feet from the nearest bathroom.

Vizh: Caffeine. I’ll take the risk. Besides, if I burst it’ll all be over.

Captain Mud: Is strange-tasting. Where is grit and gravel?

Dancer: Okay, so maybe I can see the defecting argument. But really, what about your dear old mother and all the people back home who are counting on you? What about a nation that looks up to you? And have you ever worried that you went on holiday and left your electric toothbrush on?

Captain Mud: This is America, yes? Land of freedom. I shall take job as mild-mannered reporter for great metropolitan newspaper as shown in magazine, and date with lady with enormous bosoms who although has no beard seems to have unusual technique for peeling banana.

[But just then, a striking new character leaps into Paradopolis Plaza!]

Striking new character: Hold it there, Dancer! Your clever probability-twisting tricks and free coffee will be of no avail against… the Villainator!

Dancer: The what? Really? That’s the best you could come up with? The Villainator?

Villainator: Well it was on short notice, wasn’t it? I didn’t exactly have time to conduct a street poll for PR purposes. So I’m the Villainator, right? And I’m here to villainate you! Bwa-hah-hah!

Dancer: Well, if that’s what I’ve got to work with, I suppose. Alright, Villainator, prepare to be Probability Danced.

Vizh: Be careful Dancer! The Villainator appears to be holding, um, a loaded labelling machine with coke bottle tops glued onto it for knobs.

Villainator: Er, yes! Beware my labelling gun with coke-knobs! Beware its terrible wrath and power. *points it at Dancer and fires*

Dancer, freezing on the spot: Oh no! I’m frozen on the spot!

Villainator: And now I shall wreak my terrible revenge upon you! Bwa-hah-hah!

Vizh: You leave her alone! There’s no way Dancer’s going to get beaten by such a lame villain!

Dancer: Shut up Vizh. Yes there is. I’m completely helpless. Will nobody save me? Will nobody undo their handcuffs, pick up their superheroic duties as a national champion of their fair if muddy country, and Save Me? Anybody?

Captain Mud: With great mud comes great responsibility. Please to be staying handcuffed to revolving door while I am rescuing of Dancer, yes?

Vizh: Well sure. But can I pay a bathroom visit while you’re busy fighting crime? It’s that coffee.

Villainator: Bwa-hah-hah. Nobody stands a chance against the…

[At this point Villainator is enveloped in enough mud to sweep him the five blocks down into the ocean]

Captain Mud: So perish all criminal elements. Who knows what filth lurks in the hearts of men? Captain Mud knows!

Dancer: You saved me! And in doing so reaffirmed your true calling and realised that you have to return to your duties as Candia’s shining hope for the future. What are the chances?

Captain Mud: Is tough job, but somebody has to make world safe for peaceful radish growing, and possibly for other root vegetable agriculture.

Vizh, hurrying back: You know I was thinking. That Villainator looked awfully familiar. That all-black costume under his home-made towel supervillain outfit of his kind of reminded me of Goldenmphh!!!

Dancer, treading on Vizh’s foot: Clumsy me. You just hop here for a while Vizh, while I help Captain Mud onto a Lairjet back to Candia.

Dancer, thinking again: Oh, and if you could perhaps ask Tricky and CSFB! to maybe go down to the seafront with a big fishing net and a hosepipe that might be good too. Thanks.

Captain Mud: America is nice place to visit, but is very confusing. Explain again please what is purpose of Cherry Coke?

Dancer: I’m from Ireland. I don’t have to live with the national guilt of Cherry Coke. C’mon Captain Mud, let’s get you patrolling homewards, okay…?




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