Post By Hatman Sun Aug 22, 2004 at 12:19:34 am EDT	Subject An Untold Untold Tale Of The Lair Legion: Rebound
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    His, the term used loosely, date, Bernice Teschmacher, looked up from her plate. “Clearly the ‘chef’ isn’t concerned with the presentation of his or her work, but it is satisfactory,” she replied.

    “I’ll take that as good, then,” Hatman muttered as he worked at his food. He still couldn’t believe he had let Dream talk him into a date with Bernice Teschmacher, a reporter well known for her intense dislike and distrust of superheroes.

    The two continued to eat in silence for a few minutes until Bernice posed a question. “I have to admit to being somewhat curious. How is it you ‘came back’ from the supposed-dead?”

    Hatman considered his answer. He was well aware that the woman in front of him could turn anything he said back on him in an instant, and he had no desire to be the headline in the tomorrow’s paper. “Well, I wasn’t technically dead. I was trapped in another dimension while a shapechanger took my place here until a boy named Jack saved me.”

    “That seems to be a rather concise answer. Surely there’s more to it then that?” she prodded.

    “That’s the gist of it. The shapechanger is gone, I’m back, that’s all that’s important.”

    “Is this…shapechanger, dead?”

    “As far as I know. I wasn’t there when it died,” confirmed the capped crusader.

    “So you admit that you have no problem with another sentient lifeform’s death then?” Bernice switched into reporter-mode.

    “What? That’s not what I said!” Hatman argued.

    “You stated no remorse at the death of this shapechanger, and failed to show it any respect as an individual by your use of ‘it’,” she stated.

    “What?! It’s a shapechanger, I don’t know what it’s gender is!” Hatman explained.

    “What about your teammate, Yo? Don’t you commonly associate a he or she with him or her?”

    “Yo is different. Yo changes gender as Yo sees fit and we adjust accordingly. Besides, I don’t really see why I should be showing respect to a creature that tortured me, imprisoned me, and tried to steal my life. And while we’re on the subject of respect, never, ever, associate Yo with something as evil as that shapeshifter,” Hatman almost-snarled.

    “It seems I’ve struck a nerve,” Bernice said smugly.

    “You’re bloody well right you have! I don’t think you fully appreciate the situation. That, thing, stole my life and tried to kill my friends. I think I’m allowed to take that personally.”

    “So the fact that it’s dead doesn’t bother you at all? That it had no chance of a fair trial or rehabilitation?”

    “By whose standards? First of all, I never said I’m glad the shapeshifter is dead, I’m just glad he’s out of my life, literally. Secondly, our laws were made to govern men. There are a lot of other lifeforms out there besides us that play by completely different sets of rules.”

    “In addition to the Lair Legion.”

    “The Legion has nothing to do with this.”

    “The Lair Legion has everything to do with this. Your band of he-men and she-women constantly put themselves above the laws of men and women, I may point out, to suit your own purposes. What gives you the right to play by a different set of rules?”

    “Let me pose this to you. A dog bites a child and is termed to be dangerous. The dog is put down, with no trial or chance of redemption. In our society, not only is that accepted, it’s legal. Does that make it right?”

    “That is a completely different situation. While I don’t agree with the practice, the dog is not capable of seeking redemption. It simply isn’t able to grasp that human concept.” As soon as the words had left her mouth Bernice regretted them.

    Hatman smiled.

    Bernice quickly gathered her thoughts and returned fire. “That still doesn’t change the fact that the Lair Legion is not subject to the laws and ordinances of the rest of the population.”

    “Obviously, Miss Teschmacher,” began Hatman, going into full media liaison mode, “you are unaware of the efforts the Lair Legion is undertaking to work together with the world’s law enforcement agencies and armed forces.”

    “Ah yes, that,” she said with a smirk. “Police, armed forces, emergency services, the media, in addition to Tactical advisor and active field team member. Quite a workload for a twenty year old.”

    “Are you, the champion of political correctness and equality, implying that I may not be suited to the position due to my age?”

    “Not at all. I’m rather pointing out that what must be a rather difficult and stressful job has been put in the hands of an individual that has not even completed a full years worth of college or university courses.”

    “I’ve been in this game long enough to know what I’m doing, Miss Teschmacher. But, in addition, I’m currently undertaking training with the various agencies I am liaison to to ensure the smooth operation and execution of my duties.”

    “That’s all this is to you superheroes, isn’t it, a game?”

    “Plenty of professionals will refer to their specific field as their ‘game’, Miss Teschmacher. It’s merely a figure of speech.”

    “Point conceded. However, I still fail to see how you are qualified for the expanded liaison role, in fact, even your previous liaison role.”

    “Honestly, Miss Teschmacher, I don’t feel that I have to justify myself to you, or anyone. I’ve been chosen for this job, and if you feel that I’m not qualified, I invite you to take the matter up with Fin Fang Foom. Or Sir Mumphrey Wilton. Or Police Commissioner Graham. Take your pick.”

    “I notice you feel the need to cite only male sources, rather than put forth the names of Lisa or Amber St. Claire.”

    “Are you for real? Not everything is an attack on people, Miss Teschmascher. Fin Fang Foom is the leader of the Lair Legion, and Sir Mumphrey Wilton has just finished a temporary assignment to the position. Police Commissioner Graham is a respected law enforcement official outside of the superhero community that I felt you might be more comfortable talking to, given your obvious dislike of superheroes.”

    “As opposed to Lisa, a former leader of the team, or Amber St. Claire who used to hold the equivalent of your position, Hatman.”

    “You’re not seriously going to rag on my name, are you?”

    “Hatperson would show that you are looking out for more than just the interests of the male population.”

    “That is perhaps the most ridiculous thing besides the idea of this ‘date’ I’ve ever heard. I wear hats. I’m a man. Therefore, I’m Hatman.”

    “I honestly can’t fathom why I even agreed to this in the first place.”

    “Probably because you were hoping to get enough dirt for a good front page story about the corruption in the Lair Legion. Well, here’s something for your article, Miss Teschmacher. I’m going to show you that I’m not all about reinforcing male stereotypes. Waiter!” Hatman called to their server. “She’ll be taking the check.”

    With the bill taken care of, the capped crusader left his very upset, already plotting a scathing article, date to have words with that wired wonder he’d thought of before.

• Hatman.ca

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