Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement
Fri Aug 05, 2005 at 08:39:47 am EDT
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #17 - Now With Added Botherhood of Evil Mutates
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The scene, as Dancer would say, is the Flatwoods Mutate Holding Compound near Bismark, North Dakota. That’s where mutates get taken for testing when they apply to be licensed by the government so they’re not, y’know, hunted down by killer Sentinoid robots. They get shipped out here, prodded and probed to work out how a big threat they are, and then they get told whether they have to have compulsory DNA modification to wipe their powers.

It’s a nasty, nasty place run by nasty, nasty people. But here come the Botherhood of Evil Mutates to raise it to the ground.

Morbido the Magnificent rises to hover over the front gates, gesturing and twisting them into a tight knot with his magnetic abilities. “Humans, your day is done! Now is the era of homo ultimus!”

“Yeah, about that, boss,” Obo the Indestructible worries, smashing down a guard tower and snapping the guards’ necks. “You think maybe we could call ourselves something that doesn’t start with homos?”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” Flame-O argues, frying some guards and checking that his hair-spray is still holding.

“We shouldn’t allow ourselves to be labelled by humans anyhow,” Fatale says. She stops looking like a guard and returns to her hot blue self to (a) demonstrate how her powers work and so (b) the Slob doesn’t stomp her into the ground on his way to attack the mess hut. “We set the agenda now, not these dead end flatgenes.”

“Heh. You’all said flatgenes,” snorts Turbulence, causing earthquakes to bring down the other guard towers.

“Oh grow up,” the old masked lady with the walking frame snaps. “And deal with those Sentinoids that are about to rise up from secret silos behind you.”

“Those bastards!” the Wailer calls to prophetic Kismet. “That’s so hurtful!” He bursts into sonic sobs, shattering the first of the mutate-hunting robots all to pieces. “It was such a n-n-nice day until they s-set the Sentioids on us… Waaahhh!”

“Sentinoids,” sneers the Vermillion Vex. Don’t you love it when she pouts and poses like that? She glances at the robots and they all critically malfunction, each one exploding in a new and creative way. “They have so many moving parts to go wrong.”

“Moving parts,” giggles the Slug, slithering past and covering fleeing guards with his secretions. “I’m a big fan of your moving parts, Prissy!”

The Vermillion Vex: “Eeew. Stick to sticking flatgenes to the walls where they can’t run away from you, you perv!”

Miragemind, creating illusionary dragons to deal with the tanks (or the people in the tanks really): “That’s right, Slug. You’re not human enough to get into dear Vex’s gypsy costume. Is he Priscilla? And not fake enough.”

Vex: “Don’t start that again. I told you, the thing with Visionary was purely business, just part of the operation. And it’s not like he ever called me again, the bastard.”

Kismet, staring into the future: “He will, after his latest multi-part crossover gets done.”

The Wailer: “It’ll probably all end in tragedy. Waaahhhhh!!!”

Morbido: “Excuse me? Could we get on with massacring the humans and leave my daughter’s sex life out of this? In any case I except if she goes out to date and destroy a human she’ll be home by eleven.”

Flame-O: “But these guards burn so messily. I’ll never get the smell out of my uniform.”

Turbulence: “Okay, so we dealt with th’ opposition. Kin ah go git Jumbuck outta th’ cells now?”

Fatale: “He’s in cell 43A. What? So I called in on him to make sure he was alright. That’s all. Okay, so I might have done him a brief Kylie Minogue to keep his spirits up while we were rescuing him.”

Vex. slyly: “So he knew you were coming?”

Fatale: “Go back to your fake lover, bustier girl.”

The Slob, returning with armfuls of commissary food: “The slop they feed these mutates is inhuman. It’s a breech of civil liberties.”

Morbido the Magnificent: “Not any more it isn’t. This place is done. Turbulence, free Jumbuck. Fatale, Kismet, check the other internees and see which ones want to join us. Kill the rest, and make sure it looks like Sentinoid fire. Obo, Wailer, keep an eye open for our special guest star. If anyone needs me I’ll be digging up the prison cemetery.”

Obo: “Am I the only one who thinks Morbido’s mutate power to use the abilities of any dead mutate he’s touching is pretty spooky?”

Miragemind: “It’s a win-win superpower. If we conquer the world or if we all get slaughtered by the authorities, Morbido just gets more powerful.”

Vex: “Yes. And we can truly say that my father is the inheritor of the Magnetic Techbird, since he’s carrying his fingerbone.” She heads down to check that all the mutates are being freed.

The Slug: “So, you think maybe if I dressed up in a yellow coat and whined a lot…?”

Miragemind: “In your dreams. She’s out of your league.”

Obo: “Yeah, but if she was considering Visionary…”

De Brown Streak: “Somebody was considering Visionary? They’d clearly not met me, right? I mean, if they’d met me they wouldn’t be considering Visionary.”

Obo, the Slug, Flame-O, Miragemind, and the Wailer: De Brown Streak!!

The Slob, with his mouth full: De Blown Sruup!!

Flame-O: “He’s even cuter in person. Love the tights thing he’s got going!”

De Brown Streak: “You guys are the Botherhood of Evil Mutates? Wow, I should be able to pound the whole lot of you flat before the Lair Legion even gets here!”

Miragemind: “Sorry, we can’t fight you, Clement. The boss’ orders.”

DBS isn’t sure this is fair. “Orders? You have orders not to fight me?”

Obo: “Yeah, from Morbido the Magnificent, our glorious leader. He’s over in the graveyard if you want to have a word with him.”

Turbulence: “We kaint wrassle with yo’ till’n yo’all been to take on Boss Morbido.”

The Wailer: Begorrah and that’s the worst ethnic accent I’ve ever heard.”

De Brown Streak looks over the massacre at the total ruthless devastation. “Right, I’ll go deal with him. Don’t go away. I’ll be back to kick your asses.”

Flame-O: “Promise?”

Josh Clement streaks over to the graveyard, where Morbido is levitating corpses out of their graves and snapping off finger bones to add to his belt pouch. “Hold it, villain. And yeuch!”

Morbido the Magnificent: “Ah, so you have arrived to join us. Welcome De Brown Streak, to the Botherhood of Evil Mutates!”

DBS: “Bzzzt! Wrong answer! I’m here to stop you and your idiot pals from doing more to push a wedge between humans and mutates. Or we should call them, humans and other humans.”

Morbido laughs. “Well, you have certainly become Sir Mumphrey Wilton’s obedient little puppy is a very short time, I see. So you now condone the use of the gene realignment process that has filled this graveyard with failed modifications?”

DBS: “Of course not. But massacring humans back isn’t the answer. We have to build trust and understanding…”

Morbido: “Now you’re being silly. You claim to believe in mutate rights? Why haven’t you sped to Washington and snapped Herbert Garrick’s neck? Why don’t you do it right now?”

DBS: “Because… Look, this isn’t a debate. I’m here to arrest you for mass murder and being too gross to be allowed out, what with the graverobbing thing and that tacky purple costume and helmet. Are you coming quietly?”

Morbido: “No, I don’t think so. I think I’ll resist arrest if it’s all the same to you. And so will my daughter.”

DBS: “Your daughter?” He turns round and sees the Vermillion Vex standing behind him. “Pricilla? But she’s my sister!”

Morbido: “Yes Josh. I am your father!”

DBS: “Noooooooooo!!!”

He rushes forward at Morbido, but the Vex gestures and Josh goes down with serious groin-strain.

DBS: “Aaaaagghhh!! Nooooooooooo!!”

Morbido stands over the fallen sepia speedster, staring down at his long-lost offspring. “This is a war, Joshua. It will end in one side or the other’s total destruction, and the slavery of their people’s thereafter. You must decide on which side you will fight. And soon. The next time the Lair Legion come after the Botherhood of Evil Mutates I will crush them absolutely. And then humankind after them!”

Vex: “And say hi to Vizh for me, okay bro?”

DBS: “Aaaaaaaaahhhh!! Nooooooooooooo!!”

The Botherhood gather up the refugees they’re taking with them, head back to their saucer, and fly away.

DBS: “Crap.”

To be continued…


And before anybody asks, here’s the Botherhood score sheet…

Morbido the Magnificent – has the ability to use the powers of any dead mutate he’s touching. He’s the leader of the Botherhood. Fear his purple helmet and supervillain cape.

The Vermillion Vex - Pricilla DuBois – has the ability to make the most annoying thing possible happen to people. She’s also got a hot tight red PVC costume. Oh, and she’s Morbido’s daughter and De Brown Streak’s twin sister.

Obo the Indestructible – has this big-ass forcefield round him that protects him from pretty much everything and enhances his strength.

The Slob – he’s big, he’s fat, he makes Roseanne Barr look like a superwaif, and he’s pretty much unmoveable if he wants to be. He also eats far too much pastrami for a man who sweats that much.

The Slug – he’s a small, fawning man with slimy fingers. In fact his slime has all kinds of powers, from being an adhesive to being addictive to being narcotic to being hallucogenic. Slime really sums this character up, basically.

Flame-O – he’s able to control fires and he can make things explode. He’s kind of a much less cute and interesting version of Kerry Shepherdson, and probably finds the same people cute as she does.

Miragemind – he makes people see things that aren’t there. His ambitions include growing a moustache and finding a hot redhead telepath to exploit.

Fatale – she’s the obligatory shape-shifting hottie espionage expert, and in deference to Al B. Harper’s sexual preferences she’s naturally blue, okay?

Turbulence – He can makes things shake, rattle, and roll, just like any good ol’ boy never meanin’ no harm.

The Jumbuck – Rupert Oliver – An adamantine-skeletoned Aussie who strikes terror into the hearts of his enemies by dressing as a giant killer rabbit.

The Wailer – has a sonic shriek that can make people burst into tears. He’s also got a bad Irish accent that’s probably a second mutation since he’s from Chile.

Kismet – because every team need a nonagenarian blind prophetess to warn about upcoming issues.




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