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Post By Visionary fulfilling his commitment Mon Sep 05, 2005 at 10:31:54 pm EDT |
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Finally, The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #21, Way Longer Than It Probably Need Be And Still With Added Adult Content Warning | |
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Previously in chapters done by people who write faster: The Brotherhood of Evil Mutates has hatched a plan to send the shapeshifting mutate (and Al B. Harper’s kind of gal) Fatale into the Lair Mansion disguised as Visionary. To facilitate this, Pricilla Dubois (DBS’s sister and secretly the bad luck causing Vermillion Vex) is taking the real Vizh away for a weekend to the consternation of her father, Morbido the Magnificent, leader of the brotherhood. As for Pricilla herself, she seems to be of two minds about how to best deal with Vizh (death or sweaty dishonor). Got all that? Good. Oh, and Josh and Uhuna’s attempts to have a sensible and mature platonic relationship went about as well as you’d expect it to, with a little help from one of his sister’s vexes. At least, that’s his story. Pricilla fished her cel phone out of her handbag, checked the called ID, and sighed. “Yes, Father… what is it?” “Is he dead yet?” She frowned. “I’ve… run into some… difficulties. But it’s early yet. Don’t worry.” “I don’t like this ‘going away for the weekend’ business…” he reminded her for the umpteenth time. “Really, what’s so bad about Visionary? Maybe we can just maim him a little…” “No, we can not just maim him young lady! He’s a hero. Their kind is nothing but trouble… Self-important meddlers, the lot of them. And this one especially… treating every… every… thing he meets as an equal deserving of respect… not recognizing the clear genetic hierarchies of life… All while being so horrifically average himself. He’s everything I’ve taught you to hate. So hate him!” “It’s just… he seems kind of… nice.” “Hate him, dammit! Hate him like a good little girl and… um… I’ll by you that pony you’ve always wanted.” “I haven’t wanted a pony since I was 15 and learned how much more fun a car with a backseat can be…” “What? The connection went bad there…” “Nothing. I said skip the pony” “But… What was that riding crop and harness doing on your Christmas list then?” “Oops. Sorry… I’ve got to go, he’s coming back to the table… And besides, we’re not doing the chapter entirely as dialogue this time.” “I have to say, this whole getaway is turning out to be a real surprise” Visionary noted cheerfully from his seat across the table from the lovely Ms. Pricilla Dubios. “And quite eventful already… Starting with that trip to the Wayne’s Wildlife Preserve Jungle Safari off interstate 95. Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to get myself locked out of the bus in the middle of the lion habitat... I’m just lucky that they seemed to have an allergic reaction to the dry cleaning chemicals Mr. Lye used on my coat…” “Yes” Pricilla Dubious answered distractedly. “Definitely… lucky.” “Still, not being mauled to death helped me work up an appetite. Who even knew you could find a top flight sushi restaurant in a tiny New England town? This is just what I needed after everything that’s been happening…” “Mmmm… I’m glad I could help” his date purred. “There’s nothing more I’d rather do than to unwind you a little bit.” She took a sip of her wine. “You like sushi?” “Actually, I’ve never tried it…” Visionary admitted. “I’m just happy I’m eating out of the mansion, especially since Trickshot is making his “world famous mystery chili” tonight.” He shuddered. “Would you like me to order for you? I speak a little Japanese…” “You do? I mean… sure.” “A side benefit from moving around a lot as a child… My father didn’t tend to stay settled in one place for any significant stretch of time.” She signaled to the waiter and spoke to him in flawless Japanese. “How is your chef?” “Ha!” he laughed. “My pointless brother-in-law. It was his idea to move here, after he disgraced the family name with his feeble attempts at cuisine and failed to commit seppuku upon his defeat in Kitchen Stadium. Still, his Akihabara Roll is mildly edible.” ”Fine, I’ll have that, and the unagi.” Pricilla told him. ”The gentleman will have the Fugu sashimi.” The man turned pale. “Deadly blowfish?! Perhaps you did not understand about my worthless dog of a brother-in-law…” “Slack jawed oaf, lucky not to chop off his own fingers, right? Don’t worry… The gentleman likes to live dangerously. I’m sure the odds are your in-law will prepare the fish just the way I want it, considering that minimal amounts of blowfish poison would kill a grown man in less than a half hour.” She smiled and nodded as the waiter bowed and retreated. “Everything taken care of?” Visionary asked happily. “Everything will be” she assured him with a many toothed smile. “Although you may have to sign a few things before eating… Forms and such. Don’t worry… it’s Japanese custom. Nothing to worry about.” Meanwhile, in the Lair Legion sub-basement mainframe control room… “Alright…” Hallie growled, materializing with her arms folded across her chest and a stern look upon her digital face. “Who’s poking around down here on a Friday night? And it damn better well not be Dream or Flapjack, because I told both of you that the strip poker feature you somehow got Hacker-9 to access has been shut down, and no more holographic recreations of anatomically correct cartoon characters can be…” she cut off in surprise as she saw the figure hunched over the keyboard. “Vizh? This is a surprise… What are you doing looking through…” she focused briefly, “files on mutate restraint facilities?” “Just… following up a hunch” he answered without turning around. “There’s something funny going on with DBS… Like he found out something he hasn’t told us…” “Really?” she asked, skeptically. “I don’t know… I haven’t noticed him behaving in any way out of the ordinary…” “Did you know he’s not boinking Uhuna?” She blinked. “Well, okay… granted, that might be a little unexpected, but I hear that kind of thing happens to all men at some point… Hey, why are you downloading Herbert P. Garrick’s unlisted home address?” “Well, um… I just thought I might… um…” he turned and glanced at her nervously, then did a double take. “Whoa…” he noted in awe. Hallie glanced behind her in confusion. “What?” “You’re… so very… blue.” She flushed a deep cobalt. “What did you expect? The new emitter crystals are hung up in Malaysia. Sure, Blofish can ship weapons of mass destruction and those tacky knock-off Armani suits of his through that customs port like it was the UPS store, but just try to order something through legitimate channels, and…” “So very blue…” he repeated. “Yeah.” She noted irritably. “What of it?” “It’s just that you may very well be… the Single. Sexiest. Thing. I have ever seen” Visionary purred getting out of his chair with a playful look in his eyes. “Have I ever told you that?” “I… that is… you haven’t exactly… What?” she managed, backing against the wall as the Legionnaire approached her seductively. “Um… no… no… Not outside of my holo-programs, you haven’t. Er… not that I have any such programs mind you… I already explained the one with Epitome that Zach found… A technical glitch resulted in that wardrobe malfunction, honest… Um… Vizh? Aheh… um… That’s quite the sway you have to your walk there…” She looked at him with wild eyes. “Are you, um… feeling alright?” “I don’t know…” he breathed, leaning in towards her with his hands against the wall on either side of her shoulders. “Why don’t you feel me and find out?” Pricilla took a sip of wine. “That’s an interesting aftershave you’re wearing.” Visionary smiled. “Does it smell alright? I’m not the best at picking these things… I got one with a picture of a tallship on the bottle…” “Because 17th century sailing men smelled notoriously pretty.” “Well… um…” Visionary considered, examining the logic there for the first time. “Er… So… you smell very nice. Not at all like sweaty fishermen.” “You silver tongued devil, you…” his date smiled. “Hoping to get lucky tonight?” “No! I mean, well… yes… but that’s not… I certainly wouldn’t assume… Even though you did book only a single at the bed and breakfast that suggests you’re either planning on staying alone tonight or, um… getting very, er… cozy…” He sighed and looked down at the table. “Um… look, I… I wanted to apologize. Not just for now, although I can already tell I’m making a mess out of this date just as I did out of the last one. In fact, it’s that last one… I certainly didn’t mean to subject you to such a huge embarrassing thing…” “I’d call it more of an average embarrassing thing…” she drawled. “Although you can score extra credit for how you use it.” “Er… yes… um…” “You’re cute when you squirm” she noted warmly. “Well, luckily I do that a lot” he admittedly wryly. “I just… I’m sorry. About all of the Legionnaires bursting in and all.” “Were you ashamed to let your friends see you with me?” “No!” he exclaimed. “Not at all! Well, I mean, I would have preferred they see us with pants on, certainly… but why on Earth would I be ashamed to be seen with a woman like you? Not only are you stunningly beautiful and incredibly sexy, but I’ve read the editorials that you’ve had published in regards to Mutate Rights… They were… impassioned… intelligent… sharp… I mean, everything that makes me wonder what you’re doing with a schlep like me.” “Oh, ah… no mystery. Really.” Pricilla answered guiltily. “Why would I need an ulterior motive to want to secretly whisk you away for a relaxing weekend of animal safaris, skydiving, and that tour of the dynamite factory tomorrow?” She quickly sipped her wine. “Besides, from what I’ve read you’re not exactly short on women who want to get to know you better.” “Oh… that.” He made a pained face. “Well, the truth of the matter is, I don’t really get out all that much, no matter what the papers say. And nobody has ever wanted a second date with me before. Which is something you can’t help but begin to take personally… Especially the ones who decided to just be friends after sleeping with me once.” He suddenly paused and glanced at her. “Um… that’s not really the kind of thing I should confess to my current date, is it?” “I’ve heard better endorsements” she admitted. “It hasn’t been all that many… Really… Just the two times… Or rather, just the two occasions… The actual number of times gets kind of blurry, because they apparently teach these tricks on Caph for sustaining… see, I’ve never had anyone do that to me before, so… and that other time took a while, because the water in Off Central Park was pretty cold… But I didn’t get any complaints after either. Really… Quite the lovely compliments, in fact. And the offer of a letter of recommendation, though that might have just been her teasing me. I’m almost positively sure doesn’t really have prepared form letters for that. Is that waiter ever going to bring our food here?!” Pricilla shook her head and smiled. “I’m sure they’re just getting it perfect for me. Er, us…” She played with the lip of her wine glass and eyed him mysteriously. “So just the two times then? Since when?” “Occasions. Really.” He corrected, then sighed. “Since my marriage ended two years ago.” She blinked. “You’ve only had sex twice in the last two years?” she asked, loudly enough to draw stares from the other diners. Visionary looked around. “It… ah…. would seem a lot more impressive of a tally if you saw the women in question” he noted defensively before turning back to his date. “Well, actually one of the occasions kind of happened 16 years ago. To me. Sort of. It was my first time.” She looked at him blankly. “You just lost your virginity within the last two years, on one occasion, which was sort of 16 years ago…” she summed up flatly. “Yes” he smiled. “Boy, it usually takes people a lot longer to understand me on that one. You are sharp.” “All I’m, mmmph, saying is…” De Brown Streak argued as the two intertwined figures tumbled through the Lair Legion sub-basement mainframe control room door, “Mmmmph… If they’re going to… mmm… name the series after a character, then that title character should… oh yeah… get more than a… oooooh…. cameo in the…. Mmmmmm… story!” Uhuna disengaged her lips from the mutate speedster for a moment. “Mmmm… Whatever. See? I told you nobody comes down here… Not that we need to be out from prying eyes… After all, we’re not… Ohh! …doing anything...” A flushed blue face popped up from behind some computer consoles. “What? Is someone there?” “Hallie!” Uhuna said, sitting up quickly. “We were just… um… looking for an extra keyboard, when Josh’s pants fell down… causing him to trip and land on me. Repeatedly.” “Wait… what?” Hallie answered, fighting to focus herself. There was a blur of movement, and the fully clothed and respectable DBS helped Uhuna to her feet. “Nothing. Just passing by and… Um… Is somebody back there with you?” “A-heh… Just me” Visionary’s smirking head popped up next to Hallie’s, and they both climbed to their feet. “We were just about to… install some new hardware.” “I’m not… we weren’t…” Hallie managed articulately, blushing furiously. “…Has this day been especially confusing for anybody else?” “Is your holographic shirt on backwards?” Josh asked. “No.” she answered quickly with a quick reset of her visuals. “Oh, look! An incoming call from Sir Mumphrey! I’ll just put in on the screen for us all to share…” “Hallie…” Mumphrey said as his face filled the mainframe monitors. “I need you to run a full scan of the mansion and grounds. Can’t be too careful, right now. Just received a tip from Drury, who received an anonymous tip of his own. Seems a blackguardly group of sinister mutates may be looking to infiltrate our ranks by using a blue shapeshifter to impersonate one of the Legion. We’ll need to go on heightened alert while he checks into this… so be on the look out for anything out of the ordinary. Oh… Visionary. Glad to have caught you… We’ll have to cancel your weekend leave until this all get straightened out, what?” The artificial intelligence turned a pair of dangerous eyes to study the sweating Regular suspiciously. “A-heh…” Visionary laughed nervously. “Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are when you’re angry?” “That was my father…” Pricilla said, returning to the table and putting away her cel phone. “He worries like an old woman sometime. I have to convince him that I have everything under control… not to mention that you’re a perfectly nice guy, so what could go wrong? Visionary groaned. “Please don’t call me that…” “What? A nice guy?” “Yes! That’s exactly why I never get a second date! Every woman I’m even remotely interested in says what a really nice guy I am… How wonderful it is to have me as ‘a friend’. I mean, do you know of any women who have wild, uninhibited sexual fantasies about ‘nice guys’?” She blushed. “Well, I wouldn’t call them fantasies exactly… Although the one with the body shaving and the coconut oil…” “Exactly!” he continued, lost in his own rant. “Nobody is turned on by the nice guy! Well… unless he wears hats… Then, lately, it seems like just about everyone wants to jump him… but that’s kind of a tangent, and really isn’t very helpful in making my point.” He sighed dejectedly. “Women like danger… Women like guys whom their fathers wouldn’t approve of… That’s the kind of thing they find sexy. Women like to think about getting naked and rolling around with somebody their family would never accept… somebody different and exotic compared to their usual circles.” “Er… Yes… I could see the appeal of some hot, naked, sweaty coupling with someone like that.” Pricilla admitted, fanning herself with a napkin. “Is the air conditioning still working in here?” “Just once… Just once… I’d like to be the dangerous one… The unsavory type you can’t bring home to the parents. The one that a woman picks up for a wild night of break-the-headboard, trash the hotel room, muscle-straining, toe-curling, sheet-ripping, abuse-of-room-service-food-stuffs sex.” Pricilla swallowed heavily. “Oh?” she managed. Visionary sighed. “But I’m not that type. I have to admit it… I’m just the average nice guy. So that’s never going to happen… I mean, what kind of woman is going to be able to defy her overbearing parent through a steamy affair with a guy like me?” Just then the door to the restaurant burst open, and two paramedics entered pushing a gurney back into the kitchen. They reappeared a moment later wheeling out a convulsing man in a chef’s uniform, followed closely by the waiter yelling “I told him not to lick his fingers, the idiot!!!” “Wait… what was that all about?” The baffled Regular asked. “Looks like the evening’s plans have changed” Pricilla purred with a cat-like grin. “Her name’s Fatale” DBS explained to the Legionnaires gathered around the unconscious blue woman gagged and bound to a chair. “She’s a mutate with the power to shapeshift into the likeness of anyone.” “So you’ve met her before?” Hatman asked. “Er… even if I haven’t, I made a special point to read further in the alphabet of especially hot villainesses. I can give you the measurements of the Velcro Vixen if you need me to prove it.” “So just how much access did she get to your files?” Dancer inquired of the Lair’s AI. “What do you mean by that?” Hallie asked defensively. “Oh, come now lass…” Mumphrey began. “I can assure you, no one blames you for letting her penetrate your firewall.” “I did no such thing!” Hallie answered, blushing furiously. “She maybe… maybe got as far a second base, but… um… That’s speaking metaphorically, of course. And in computer lingo. You wouldn’t understand.” “Yes, well… indeed.” Mumphrey managed, slightly baffled. “So she slipped past our defenses disguised as Visionary and got unprecedented access to Hallie’s systems…” Hatman began. “This day couldn’t be more humiliating…” the sentient computer groaned with her head in her hand. “Nonesense” Dancer assured her compassionately. “I hear you did a great job of blowing her Visionary disguise.” Mumphrey patted her consolingly on the shoulder. “Just be sure she didn’t leave you infected with any nasty viruses, what?” “…and then this Fatale woman apparently downloaded and transmitted some classified data concerning Mutate Restraint Facilities and assorted other documents” the capped crusader concluded. “That’s a cause for serious concern.” “The explosive charges she set all around the mansion’s foundations were kind of concerning too.” DBS said. “The amazing bit where I ran around disarming all of them at the last second would have made for an absolutely incredible chapter of a story, if I do say so myself.” “And let’s not forget, she also stole my underwear and left it in the tree outside of Josh’s bedroom” Uhuna added. Jay blinked. “Why would she do that?” “Hey, who can fathom the criminal mind?” DBS asked quickly. “Well, if she wakes up before Drury’s men come to collect her, we can always ask” Mumphrey noted. “Did you have to shock her quite so thoroughly?” “Yes” Hallie answered flatly. “And we’re sure she poisoned my famous chili?” Trickshot asked. “Yes” they all replied. “I only ask because this vial of poison doesn’t look like it’s been…” “We’re sure.” “Um… one last question…” Dancer added, looking around the room. “If she got in posing as Visionary… then where’s the real version?” Pricilla stretched to grab the phone and snapped it open with one hand. “Yes father?” “Is he dead yet?” “Not as of yet…” she managed between breaths. “Are you alright, princess? You sound winded… This mission isn’t proving too difficult for you?” “It is proving exceptionally hard” she noted happily. “But I’m determined to stay on top of it for as long as it takes.” “That’s my girl… I knew you’d find him beneath you.” “It’s definitely how it should be” she gasped. “Fatale managed to send some information before the connection died… The information we needed, as well as some additional files on the Legion. If it helps your end of things, it seems this Visionary is recovering from heart problems.” “Oh!” “Yes, I thought that offered some exciting possibilities too. Suffice to say, enough relentless strenuous activity might be enough to finish him off.” “I’m way ahead of you on that” she answered. “Now it’s just a matter of who outlasts who.” “That’s my girl… doing her duty for the Mutate race. Be sure to make him beg for release before you’re done with him…” “As often as I can” she promised, biting her lower lip. “Gotta go, dad.” She tossed the phone back to the nightstand. “Wow... He really does keep close tabs on you” Visionary observed. “You have no idea…” she answered him. “Which encourages me to make the most of my time out of the magnifying glass... Like the remaining 32 hours we have until check-out…” she smiled and ran her hands up through her mussed hair. “So… what are you doing next weekend?” to be continued, thankfully by Josh |
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