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killer shrike does the Tie-in Thing
Sun Aug 14, 2005 at 02:42:21 am EDT
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Wedding Day Blues (and Greens, and a Bit of Yellow)
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Wedding Day Blues (and Greens, and a Bit of Yellow): An Untold Tales Tie-In


Note: This takes place during Untold Tales #228, The Wedding of Nats and Uhuna, but after a bunch of Epitome stories I’ve been to lazy to get to yet.


Dominic Clancy carved the prime rib that was the centerpiece of the spread that was William Reed’s and Uhunaluna Excelsior’s wedding day breakfast.

“Are you sure you want an end piece, Glory?”

“Yes, please. I like meat when it’s crunchy.”

The big man in the brown blazer thought it criminal to overcook such a choice cut of meat, but kept his opinion to himself. He stayed silent about a lot of things; expressing his opinion about the proper way to enjoy beef with a talking dog was hardly the most surreal.

Epitome cast a sidelong glance at the clutch of young men and women seated nearby. They looked at him in a manner that was equal parts surly and expectant.

“You can go with your friends, Glory, if you wish,” he told the Dog Dynamo, “They seem to be waiting for you.”

Glory responded in her unique language of growls and body movements, “Are you sure? I do not want you to be lonely.”

The American Archtype lowered Glory’s plate so that she could take it gently in her powerful jaws, “I’m sure. Go have fun.”

“You need to have fun as well. Talk to somebody. You have friends here too.”

Epitome had his doubts about that, but he nodded anyway.

*****


After Glory bounded off to visit with her schoolmates Dominic searched for his own place to sit. He had no interest intruding on groupings already assembled, so he made his way for the poorly lit and apparently abandoned game room in the back of Larry’s Bowl-A-Rama.

“Hey, ‘Pitty, wait up!!” an enthusiastic voice called from behind a covey of green-skinned supermodels who were apparently (and barely) still in their bedclothes. Within moments a figure of equally odd pigmentation vaulted over to the Exemplary Man.

Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove didn’t lose a drop of his foamful cappuccino even after the impressive acrobatic display. He grinned at the much larger man and standing up on his toes, he whispered conspiratorially, “I got ‘em all primed for you, big guy.”

“I beg your pardon?” Epitome had an inkling where this conversation was going, but held out hope he was wrong.

“The Caphans,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! jerked his thumb back to indicate where he had just left, “I was talking you up back there. How you’re a changed man now that you’re young and have your nads back-“

“My what?!”

“Yeah, didn’t you know? The Old You was, well, nadless. Old You didn’t want anything that could possibly be a distraction from his ultimate goal of global US hegemony,” Dream’s smile widened, “OK, that’s a lie, but the Caphans all think you’re a eunuch for some reason, Zod knows why, but I set them straight for ya. Now, to paraphrase Vince Vaughn from his brilliant turn as ass bandit Jeremy Grey in ‘The Wedding Crashers,’ grab that net and catch some beautiful butterflies, pal.”

Dominic’s face indicated he was not amused, “What the hell are you talking about? Are those people friends of yours?”

“Hm, maybe that movie is too recent. How about a quote from ‘Swingers?’ You remember that one? Beautiful babies?”

“Goodbye,” Epitome turned on his heel to walk off but was stopped when CSFB! took hold of his sleeve.

“OK, wait, wait. Ah, sorry about the syrup there, big guy. I think some seltzer water will get that right out. At least it works on my sheets.”

“You’re touching me,” the Paragon of Power noted in a tone that made it clear such a condition was unacceptable. Dream quickly took his hand away.

“All right. Dude, you’ve got to deal with those intimacy issues.”

Epitome sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “What do you want, Foxglove?”

“Well, I want to offer you a chance to rejoin the Lair Legion.”

“What?” Dominic blinked in surprise. There was no way CSFB! could be serious.

But he was, “Everybody deserves a second chance. Sure we didn’t get along in the past, but now, with all that history out of the way, you have an opportunity of showing us all how cool you can really be. Like when Geoff Johns went ahead and rebooted Hawkman.”

The Man of Might once again could have posed a litany of questions in regards to what CSFB! had offered as a rationale for asking him to join, but once again kept mum. Instead he made an observation:

“I have had a hard time figuring out what it is exactly the Lair Legion has been chartered to do.”

“Do? We line up to oppose evil wherever it appears, in whatever forms it takes. We don’t have some bullshit mandate prescribed to us by an authoritarian bureaucracy. That would just slow us down.”

“Right,” Epitome nodded, “There isn’t much in the way of regulation or oversight for your activities.”

Dream smiled proudly, “Yeah. Lisa and Finny and Mumph got it wired pretty good. It isn’t too often we have to answer to anyone. Hope that doesn’t sour you on the deal.”

Dominic Clancy kept up the appearance of seeming noncommittal, but in reality it didn’t disturb him at all. Such autonomy could allow for a great deal of good to be accomplished, if it was used in connection with the right plan and ideology.

“I’ll consider your offer. And, thanks for making it,” he promised the Wired Wonder before walking off.

*****


Epitome set his plate on the top of an air hockey table and brought over a stool to sit and eat. He was hunched over his meal when a slight motion registered on his peripheral vision. Something small and metallic was hovering high and to the right, about four o’ clock from his shoulder. The Paragon of Power acted oblivious for several moments until he could properly gauge the distance between him and the tiny eavesdropper. Then, with a burst of super-speed, Dominic lunged from his seat and cupped his hands around the object, trapping it.

His prize responded by shocking him with several hundred volts of electricity, enough to cause him to flinch and allow escape.

“Watch the hands!” a woman’s voice scolded as the floating drone emitted a flash of light that quickly coalesced into a pretty blue woman with shoulder length hair and glasses.

Epitome rubbed his fingers together to bring back feeling into them, “I could say the same to you. Is there a reason you’re spying on me?”

Hallie’s look of annoyance was briefly replaced by one of guilt, “I wasn’t spying. I was just checking up on you.”

“There’s a difference?” Dominic wondered aloud in a tone that wasn’t quite as confrontational as his earlier question.

“Yes. Ah, wandering off at these kinds of events can be dangerous. You could be replaced by a Hero Feeder, or a Manmanhunter, or, ah, stuck in a conversation with Space Ghost…. There’s precedence.”

“Oh. Well, then, thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Ever the cerulean hologram thought to herself.

There were several moments of silence during which the two stared at one another uneasily. Finally Epitome spoke.

“So, thanks again for your concern. I’ll keep an eye out for… those things.”

Hallie nodded, “Good.”

“Yeah. Hey, do you mind if-?“

“Wait,” the Mansion’s Artificial Intelligence suddenly seemed to be staring at something from miles away, “It’s the linen delivery calling. They need directions,” she smiled apologetically and with some relief, “I’ve got to take this.”

“Sure. We can talk later.”

Epitome watched the holographic woman fracture into a blizzard of pixels before the drone that she commanded cybernetically zoomed off. Then he went back to his meal, wondering if an encounter with Space Ghost could have been any more awkward than the one he just had.

















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