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Post By Visionary admits that "mature" might be stretching it. Tue Apr 26, 2005 at 10:12:22 pm EDT |
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The star-studded 2005 HellFriar's Club Roast of Hatman! (contains some mature humor) | |
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“Hey there, Howdy folks!... This is Bob the Chipper Torturer here welcoming you to the 2005 HellFriar’s Club Roast of Parodiopolis’ Golden Boy… Hatman!” “Bob the Chipper Torturer is still around?” Visionary asked, with surprise from his seat on the dais. “Where has he been all these years?” “He told me before the show that he was executive producing out in Hollywood for a while...” Lisa answered from the seat to his left. Visionary pondered that. “Gigli?” “Battlefield Earth.” She clarified. “And he has a standing deal with both Jimmy Fallon and Ashton Kutcher. But he was missing the more hands-on approach, and what with the current administration’s views towards the Geneva Convention, he feels the whole personal discomfort field is going to be going through a renaissance. He thought this event might be a nice way to bridge the gap back to his roots. Says he’s eager to do his part for homeland security.” “How very patriotic of him” Visionary noted sourly. “What are the odds he’ll choke on his impossibly big teeth before he can get around to introducing Dream?” “No dice” Fleabot informed him, hopping up onto his shoulder. “I double-checked, but Dancer didn’t RSVP.” Visionary froze. “Wait… what? What do you mean? She’s not coming?” “Search me… But she’s not here now, and she didn’t leave word ahead of time.” ”But… but…” the distraught Regular shuffled through the light blue note cards that contained the various “zingers” he had prepared for the festivities. “I’ve got about 10 cards worth of Spark Test jokes!” he whined. “That’s most of my act! Whose stupid idea was it that we couldn’t make fun of anyone who didn’t RSVP?!” “I’m pretty sure it was yours” Lisa reminded him. “Jeez, calm down before you have another heart attack…” “Ixnay on the attack-fey” Visionary whispered. “We’re supposed to be playing loose with continuity for this one.” “Don’t worry… I don’t need to play loose…. It comes quite naturally” Lisa assured him. “So you’ll just have to fill time with more Hatman anecdotes.” “I don’t have any Hatman anecdotes!” Visionary whined. “The guy is just too damn nice!” “Tell them about the time he was too lazy to run to the store, and so he asked to borrow your Gilgamesh costume” Lisa suggested with a shrug. “That? Why?” “Oh… it helps if you mention that Whitney borrowed my Milkmaid outfit…” Visionary blinked in confusion. “I don’t get… GAHH!” he exclaimed with a full body shudder. “There you go” Fleabot nodded approvingly. “I had Fruit-loops that morning” the Regular remembered in a small, troubled voice. “You could always make fun of someone in the crowd instead…” Lisa offered, scanning the audience. “Oh, here’s a classic… Express how surprised you are to see that Abe Vigoda is still alive.” Visionary squinted to the table near the side. “Actually, I think that’s the Abyssal Greye.” “Hmmmm…” Fleabot noted. “Well, still try to work the crowd…” He switched into a smarmy M.C. voice. “Messenger is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen… and his date, isn’t she lovely? I hope she’s enjoying her last meal. Seriously honey, I wouldn’t start any long books if I were you…” Visionary pondered that. “I’m pretty sure he’d kill me.” “I know I’d laugh.” Lisa smiled. “Can’t you give me a few of your jokes?” Visionary pleaded. “Oh, all right…” the Advocatrix sighed, handing over a few cards of her own. “For those not in the know, Hatty’s power allows him to take on the properties of whatever is enveloping his head…” Visionary read aloud for practice. “Of course, there are a few notable drawbacks, like the way his IQ drops 80 points whenever Trudi Wooster gives him… WHOA!” He turned bright read and discreetly handed the cards back. “Er… um… What was the Messenger joke again?” “Is that one true?” Hallie whispered, leaning over towards Lisa. The First Lady of the LL shrugged. “Probably. But then if any guy can do complex mathematics during that, you’re just not doing it right.” “It’s not too late…” Visionary noted desperately. “Maybe I could fake choking on a cocktail weenie and make an escape…” “Make it a pretzel” Lisa suggested. “Idiots choke on those all the time.” “We have got to get more relevant material” Fleabot noted. “We’re a bit out of practice” Lisa allowed. “But then again, it’s not like Mr. T and Dan Quayle were particularly timely references the last time we did something like this.” “I think it may be too late anyway…” Hallie suggested. “For the subtle getaway, I mean.” “Why?” “Bob already handed things over to Dream, and he’s introducing you now.” Visionary looked to the stage in alarm. “I’m not saying the organizer of tonight’s roast is particularly whipped…” CrazySugarFreakBoy was saying, “But if any of the 15 or so women in his life could check their handbags, we’d really like to get his balls back to him before the end of the evening as a way to say thanks.” “I wrote that one for him” Lisa stated proudly. “Ladies and Gentlemen… the Fake Man himself… Visionary!” “…and Fleabot” Hallie whispered loudly to the podium. “And Fleabot!” Dream added quickly. Visionary made his way to the podium next to Hatman, who was seated center stage. “Er… thanks…” he managed to the retreating neon colored hero. “Yeah… I don’t care what anybody says…” Fleabot added, “It was a crime what Bruce Willis did to you at the end of Sin City.” Visionary stood there fidgeting nervously while the lights of the stage cooked him alive. He wondered vaguely if that’s why it was called a roast. “Um… Vizh?” Fleabot prodded. “Now’s the time when you say something.” He scanned the audience in desperation for someone to mock. Akiko Masamune? Not a healthy choice. Mr. Epitome? Not until he got his tax refund back. Sir Mumphrey Wilton? As if time wasn’t going agonizingly slow enough… “Er… yes. Okay. Way to show the grace under fire that got you the LL chair job, Vizh. A-hem…” Fleabot began, rummaging through the Regular’s cards. “Anyway, Hatman is really the nicest guy around… In fact, he’s so nice that… Oh, wait. I can’t use that one. Damn Dancer… Although it doesn’t make a lot of sense… Why would she need to delay orgasm anyway? Vizh? Vizh?” Visionary responded by developing a severe eye twitch. “This is going well.” Fleabot noted. “How about we pass it on back to…” “HATMAN SUCKS!” Visionary finally managed to yell at the top of his voice. Even the crickets were at a loss to respond to that one. “Er… seriously though…” Visionary said, turning to shake the roastee’s hand. “We love you, man. There are pretzels at the bar, right? Goodnight everyone!” he managed before he turned and fled. Fleabot chewed his lip as he stood alone on the podium. “Yes… well… Thanks folks. We’ll be here all week…” he assured the crowd. “Try the veal.” And the Roast had begun. Footnotes: Bob the Chipper Torturer was a throw-away character created by Lisa in the wee early days of the Parodyverse. I last used him in “BZL—The Merchandise!” In his first appearance, Visionary had a “Gilgamesh the Forgotten One” costume, making him the first PV character to wear a cow head. Mr T and Dan Quayle were the targets of some early Parodyverse stories as well. And by early, I mean 1998… making them about a decade past being fresh comedy material. George Bush, The POTUS himself, nearly died from choking on a pretzel. Sadly, I’m not making that up. No... seriously... Abe Vigoda is alive. You can check on his status here: http://www.abevigoda.com/ |
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