Tales of the Parodyverse

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anonymous
Wed Jun 01, 2005 at 06:41:45 pm EDT
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My contribution to the Hatman Roast.
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Hatman Roast: Why Chroniclers Aren’t Allowed Near Starbucks

“I’m not doing this.” Andrew Dean crossed his arms backstage while “handlers” scurried around, trying to locate the still-intoxicated Messenger and stop him from “going Jihad on Bush’s terrorist ass” (his words, even though Bush was a few thousand miles away, and what Messenger was actually threatening was a weedwhacker).

Lania sighed. “But… even though you’re in hiding now, your family still misses you. And it’s terrible not to maintain human contact.”

“Greg does that just fine.”

Lania looked over at the hooded, possibly ghostly figure, who was face-deep in a complimentary Starbucks cart.

“You call shrieking like a PCP-addled harpy FINE?”

The unflappable Andrew Dean didn’t blink. “I deny everything.” Grumpily, he swiped a newspaper from the table next to where he was arguing with his alleged lover and tried to make himself smaller, if possible. “I said I didn’t want to do this, right?”

“C’mon, honey… it’s not like this can get worse. You two can’t possibly top Messenger calling the Secretary of Defense a ‘Mc-Carthy-lite panty-waist fascist with delusions of self importance’ on national television, and then promptly vomiting on Barbara Walters.”

“I can’t think of a woman who deserved it more.”

“True, but I still want you to do this.”

“Women are the personification of evil.”

“You weren’t saying that during our, um, debriefing last night.”

Andy sighed, defeated.

“…I still deny everything.”

Victoriously, Lania kissed him on the cheek, and then watched mischievously as he tried to go pry the Chronicler of Stories from his “medicine cabinet.”

“Don’t you get hazard pay for that?”

“Stop giggling, you fool.”

“thepreciouswantstorulethemallandinherdarkmajestybindthem”

Finny wished he wasn’t in a public forum, so he could morph into his dragon state and smack the partially ghost-like side of his best friend into some state of relative sanity.

“Greg, I’m going to kill you.”

“areyouthreateningme?”

“Not that again. Don’t make me remind you of what Lania and I did last night.”

To describe the Chronicler’s reaction would be like trying to describe to a blind person the cumulative effects of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Needless to say, this revelation did not go over well.

And then, the cameras turned on.

“HEATHENS!”, the Chronicler shrieked, and then tried to disembowel the microphone with what appeared to be a raven’s beak.

Andy thought to himself, “Lania, I’m going to make you wish you were Jimmy Hoffa”, and took the opportunity to yell at Hatman “This may suck, but it doesn’t suck as much as your haircut!”

The crowd was possibly too interested in a ghostly madman trying to devour a microphone than listen to Andy’s attempts at mocking Hatman, and by the fact that the National Guard were on hand to try to calm down a true universal power.

Because, y’know, American military forces are so powerful.

Needless to say, the Hooded Hood’s arrival was met with a smattering of disinterest, as the cowled crime czar’s appearance consisted of “Oh, God, another one of these stories” and said costumed villain vanishing faster than Donald Rumsfield’s credibility.

And then one of the Guard’s soldiers went too close to the Starbucks cart, and things went further south, as the Chronicler chased him around the building shrieking “SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE” and “WELCOME TO MY WORLD, BITCH”.

Andrew Dean, mild-mannered comics writer for an independent comics publisher, took this moment to say on national television “Fuck this shit. I’m going home.”

Lindsey Lohan, one of the women guest-hosting the event, responded with “Hatman so totally sucks, yo.”

The producers had to go to commercial due to Dean grabbing an umbrella and trying to beat some intelligence into the young actress, presumably through forcible osmosis.




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