De Brown Streak: “Okay, hey it’s nice to be with you here tonight. I mean, I could have done without Herbert Garrick stationing Sentinoids at the doors in case I try to break loose from the Lair Legion, and maybe the anti-DBS picketers in the lobby. And the veal seemed a bit off to me, but I slipped that on Visionary’s plate. But otherwise it’s nice to be with you. Except Goldeneyed, of course.”
“Hatman? Yeah, we go back a ways now, ever since I tried to impregnate his then-girlfriend. For some reason we’ve never got on. At first I thought maybe it was a mutate thing, but now I’ve had to accept it’s probably just penis envy. But there’s got to be a cap for that somewhere, yeah? Maybe a ‘dickhead’ cap or something?”
“But Hat’s not such a bad guy. I mean he’s great for borrowing money off. Plus he’s a great straight man. The other week while he was taking me on patrol to show me how to keep the streets of Parodiopolis safe for middle-class white folks I was able to convince him that this Mohawk punk guy was a super-villain called the Squat? Jay had the guy wrestled to the ground before he could put down his boom box. I helped by calling the cops to clear the whole thing up. Heh.”
“And the guy’s always going on about training routines and practises. I swear his scheduler’s gotta read like 6.30 – get up and be anal, 6.35 – scowl disapprovingly at empty training room, think about who to call and hassle to exercise, 6.40 – think up new ways of saying ‘Josh, you haven’t finished your paperwork’, 6.50 – memorise another field manual, 7.00 – sort his hats alphabetically…”
“Hat? Word of advice here, buddy. When you pull on your fireman hat and run into the burning Hell’s Bathroom slum and carry out the hot mama in the see-through shortie nightie, and then she looks up at you adoringly, bosom heaving, and says ‘How can I ever thank you, my hero?’ the correct response is not ‘Live a clean and productive life, ma’am.’ Really.”
“Anyway, enjoy your roast. Of all the poker-up-the-butt, stickler-for-the-rules, chewing-my-ass, impossibly-clean-cut, holier-than-thou, Mother-Teresa-lookalike hero guys out there, there’s nobody I want to have covering my back than you.”
“Oh, and also, the next time some hottie asks ‘How can I ever thank you?” the correct answer is, ‘Go give your phone number to De Brown Streak!’”
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