Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson
Thu Apr 28, 2005 at 11:29:13 pm EDT
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Baroness Elizabeth Zemo takes her turn at the Hatman roast
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There was a momentary hush when the somewhat squat woman in the elegant purple gown rose from a table near the dais. It was broken by the commanding chords of Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor coming from a non-existent pipe organ as she stepped toward the stage. Pausing, Elizabeth Zemo looked skyward and snarled, “Hood, can’t you just give it up!” Nevertheless, the music continued, building to its crescendo as she stepped in front of the lectern.

“I’d like to thank the Hooded Hood once again for my theme music. It’s reassuring to have someone around who’s not afraid to resort to clichés. But we’re here to honor Jay Boaz, better known to us in the supervillain community as Hatman. So I won’t be too rough on him. With any luck, the swelled head he’ll get here tonight will keep him from wearing that Steelers hat of his for a while.”

“As I said a few weeks ago in my Modern Malefactor interview , Hatman is the kind of boy every mother wants to marry her daughter and every daughter runs away from. It’s true. He really is the representative of Serious Order.

“For example, there was the time that one of the Juniors couldn’t pass one of his training exercises. She came to him, and said, ‘Jay, I’ll do *anything* to stay in the Juniors.’

“Then she leaned closer to him, flipped back her hair, and gave him the long, soulful look, right in the eyes.

"’I mean...’ she whispered, ‘...I would do...anything!’

”Jay looked right back at her. ‘Anything?’ he said.

"’ Yes, anything!’

”And now his voice got deep and low, and he whispered back to her, ‘Would you...study?’

“Even my mother in North Dakota wants me to marry him, ‘because he’s stable and will settle you down.’ One look at Jay Boaz, and suddenly every woman I know starts saying, ‘Is there enough wildness and passion in my life? Maybe that biker gang isn’t so bad.”

“What about me?” came a drunken challenge from Messenger.

“You’re confusing passion with poison, letterman.” She went on. “We’ve heard a lot tonight about how uptight Jay can be. Those jokes are unfair. He’s a very accepting, tolerant guy. I mean, when Harry Flask had Hatman’s Hatility Belt snatched, Jay asked him very nicely to return it *before* he threw them both out of the 97th floor window. Hatty took assertiveness training – but he could never get around to telling Whitney about it.”

That got a wince out of Jay. Noticing that she’d gone too close to the bone, Elizabeth decided to wrap up. “Still, the defining thing about Jay Boaz is that his heart is set on making this world better for everyone, even we so-called villains. He’s already received one accolade from another Elizabeth, so I decided to give him a different thank you. Sally?”

Suddenly, Silicone Sally appeared, stretching down from the ceiling in an elastic version of her form-fitting Hatcheck Girl costume. Wrapping her rubbery self around the helpless Hatman, she proceeded to give him a series of passionate kisses and gropes, causing Jay’s face to flush and his body to give some involuntary squirms. As the applause and catcalls crescendoed, she finally unwound herself, gave her booty a lascivious shake, and left the dais with Elizabeth. The cheers continued on.


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