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Post By The saga continues from... the Hooded Hood Thu Aug 04, 2005 at 06:18:13 pm EDT |
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Heart of Darkness #10: Kerry Shepherdson and the Cowled Crime Czar | |
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Heart of Darkness #10: Kerry Shepherdson and the Cowled Crime Czar “Right. First off. I’m not afraid of you.” “Indeed,” said the Hooded Hood. “Yeah, indeed,” said Kerry Shepherdson. “I’m not afraid of you and I don’t like you.” “How very candid of you to confess it.” “You’re smug, you’re pompous, you’re arrogant, you’re basically in need of the world’s greatest arse kicking.” “And that is why you sought me out, is it, Miss Shepherdson?” “Well no, actually. I hitched over to Herringcarp Asylum because… I need your help.” “A unique approach to enlisting my support, I must say.” “I just didn’t want you under any false assumptions that I could stomach you, that’s all.” “Very well. In the interests of mutual disclosure may I note that you are shallow, self-deceiving, abusive to those who care about you, inattentive to the needs of those you call friends, a disappointment and trial to your family, and in every way the sort of worthless pointless person you believe you are deep inside yourself?” “Whoa,” Kerry swallowed. “You are good!” “I do my smug, pompous, arrogant best, Miss Shepherdson.” “So… you and Dancer, eh?” “What of your sister and I, Miss Shepherdson?” “My sis… you know? You know about that? Is there anybody on the planet she hasn’t blabbed to about her secret ID while I can’t even open my mouth about it without developing tonsillitis?” “Am I not… the Hooded Hood?” “Okay, you’re a major manipulating archvillain, I’ll give you props for that. But what’s the story with my sister? I mean, you fit the profile of tragically unsuitable bastards who’ll use her then treat her like crap, but…” “Your sister Sarah isn’t the reason you sought me out to seek my aid.” “No? If you’re so flaming all-knowing why don’t you tell me why I did come then?” “Because I wish to make you say it, of course. As you assert, I am an archvillain.” “Right. Well I need your help, like I said. You can ret-con stuff, right? That’s what you do?” “Restructuring things which have occurred is the grossest element of my metahuman abilities, it is true. Retrospective continuity is an area I have been known to take an interest in.” “Cheez, can’t you just say yes once in a while?” “The Hooded Hood does not just say yes.” “Anyway, I hear on the grapevine that sometimes you do deals with the good guy… if the price is right. To help protect a secret identity, to save a loved one, that kind of thing. You sometimes help out if there’s a percentage for you.” “Sometimes my own agenda coincides with that of others.” “Well then, that’s it. That’s what I need. I need you to retcon Visionary.” “I have often considered it.” “I mean retcon the problems he’s got now. This Heart of Darkness thing, and all the bad stuff people are saying about him. And him having to marry my sister. Retcon that.” “Why?” “Why? Because I’m willing to deal. Tell me what you want. I’ll do it. A-anything.” “I mean why should you seek to save Visionary at such immense cost? You have reviled him, deceived him, injured him, derided him, worked your considerable worst to make his life miserable, uncomfortable, and unrewarding. Why on Earth should you now want to keep him alive and well?” Kerry paled as if she’d been struck. “It’s not like that. You don’t understand.” “I understand that you feel the need to test authority, and that your immense inferiority complex requires you to constantly seek affirmation that people associated with you care for you despite your mistreatment of them.” “Oh, like you’re not a casebook of psychiatric syndromes! What kind of guy dresses up in a cape and hood and calls himself a cowled crime czar?” “The kind you require aid from, Miss Shepherdson. My question remains: why should you wish to preserve the life of the possibly-fake man whose guardianship you have protested ever since it was foisted on him by your despairing desperate sister?” “I’m not the one lives in a mental asylum, buddy. Just remember that.” “You have no answer?” “I… Look, you know already. You’re just making me say it to be cruel.” “Indeed. Proceed.” “Because Vizh is… I like him, okay? He’s a dweeb loser with no clues but… I don’t want to lose him. He’s… he’s a good man, okay? All that stuff you said about me and him is true, but there’s other stuff as well. He’s there for me. Even when I don’t want it he’s there for me, and even when I hate that I kind of like it too. And he’s there for FA and Ham-Boy and Gaz and Glory, and for Sarah and Asil and Enty and Lisa and… everybody. Okay? He’s useless when he’s there, but he is there.” “So you feel some affection for him?” “I didn’t say that! I didn’t… I’m not…” “Yes?” “All right, I said I liked him. I like him. I l-love him. Is that what you wanted to make me say, you cowled bastard? I love him, and not in a Sarah on a Saturday night way. I just… he’s like… it’s as if he was my…” “Indeed. I understand. So what do you propose, Miss Shepherdson?” Kerry swallowed. “Well, if you could just go back and stop him having that heart attack with the black magic from the Necronastycon, and stop those horrid stories about him from being said…” “You’re aware of your mentor’s worsening mystical medical condition now, are you?” “Oh yeah, like those Phantomhawk Hospital firewalls are going to keep Hacker Nine out. And I may have been in touch with the Juniors, just to stop them, y’know, invading any countries or stuff to find me.” “How very responsible.” “Yeah, that’s my middle name, Hood. Anyhow, I know about Vizh, okay? I know he’s not getting any better. So I need you to retcon that, right now.” “And what is my motivation?” “Like I said, I’ll deal. I’ll work for you, be on your side. I… I won’t hurt people though. Vizh wouldn’t want me to hurt people. But anything else.” “Of what use are your pyrotechnic probability manipulations to me if you will not cause harm with them, Miss Shepherdson?” “Well then… you liked my sister, right? I mean, you and she… I’m semi-hot. Guys like me…” “I’m not that kind of archvillain, Miss Shepherdson. The worst thing I would do to a distressed young lady is to tie her to some railway tracks somewhere. And you can be sure that would only be one small part of a master-plan to manipulate the young hero who rescues her and change the social and political structures of the planet.” “But you must need help. You tried to recruit Liu Xi.” “Did I?” The Hood almost smiled. “I certainly appeared to do so, I suppose, but all I succeeded in doing was to drive her closer to the Lair Legion to be watched and trained and protected.” “You’re saying that was your plan?” “Why should I want the irritation of a moody teenager hanging around Herringcarp when I can fob her onto Sir Mumphrey Wilton and let him have the headaches? That goes for you and Miss Bonnington as well, by the way.” “But you need help. You have to deal with that Baroness von Zemo bitch.” “Why should I wish to stifle such a refreshing competition of wills, Miss Shepherdson. Especially since I have the deck so very well stacked. Poor Elizabeth.” “Well then, what do you want? To save Vizh, I mean.” The Hood pondered for a moment. “To save your mentor,” he said at last, “would you give your own life?” “What? Are you serious? I want things back the way they were, with Vizh not dying, and us all together again, back in the Condo. If I’m dead I can’t be there.” “But if that was the price, Miss Shepherdson? If that was what was required to save Visionary. Would you die for him, in his place?” “He’d die for me.” “But…?” “If… look I’m not saying this is right but… if I had to, if there wasn’t any other way… Crap, I hate the effect these hero lessons are having on me!” “Would you die for him?” “Of course I would! Him or Sarah, or any of them, I guess. Crap crap crap crap crap! This is how low I’ve sunk!” “Interesting.” “Is… is that what I have to do, then? Die to save Visionary?” “Oh no. I was merely enquiring, Miss Shepherdson. As it happens I am unable to retcon the principle event you mentioned, the infection of the Heart of Darkness. Our conversation was entirely theoretical.” “You what? You can’t?” “My powers have limits, my dear. If I was to retcon Visionary so he was not dying to become the new host of Nyarlurkotep it would have some very far reaching consequences. Consequences that would not be good for this planet or for my longer term plans.” “He’s becoming what?” “Oh, the Herald of the Fairly Great old Ones will claim his body and transform him into new flesh to manifest on Earth again. Visionary will be destroyed, his very soul smeared to nothingness across the multiverse.” “No! Look, you have to do something. I mean it! You have to save him or it’s go time, you and me, right here, right now!” “Ah. There speaks the probability arsonist with the power to make the world tremble. What could that massive wrath achieve if you were to truly loose it, I wonder?” “Don’t save Vizh and you’ll find out soon enough, buster!” “I can’t solve your problems for you, Miss Shepherdson, although in retrospect you may discover that I have helped you more than you know. But you have shown some character and courage in your interview with me today, so perhaps you are ready for a word of advice.” Kerry bit her tongue and listened. “Very good. Miss Shepherdson, many of Visionary’s colleagues and friends are endeavouring to assist him in the problems that agglomerate about him. Some of the difficulties have no easy remedy. Others require remarkable feats to overcome. Perhaps you should turn your rage from Visionary and your sister, and from those who are unable to solve your problems for you, towards those who caused the difficulties in the first place?” “Like who?” “Somebody arranged for you to be taken from Visionary’s custody, precipitating his impending nuptials and your planned deportation. Somebody gathered false reports of his sexual misconduct at Paradopolis university. Somebody is working to smear his good name, so that he will die hated and reviled, his good deeds forgotten by history in favour of unjust contempt and condemnation.” “You’re saying… I should find out who did that? Find them and make them confess?” “That depends on whether you mind hurting people, doesn’t it?” “It’s my rule. I can make exceptions.” “Then you have indeed made the first step to being on my side, Miss Shepherdson.” “You know who did it, right?” “Indeed.” “Are you going to tell me?” “No. Think of this as one of those rites of passage that must be attempted unaided. Think of it as a test of your ingenuity.” Kerry snorted. “Right, you’ve had your fun and games. Are you going to let me walk out of here?” “I am. Teenagers are too… disturbing to confine. And I am interested to see what you do next, and where it cascades.” “I’m going to cascade all over the ass of whoever framed Vizh.” “Because you love Visionary like a father.” “Because… nobody torments Vizh but me.” “Excellent,” said the Hooded Hood, cradling his fingertips. “Good evening.” Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2005 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2005 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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