Visionary and the Heart of Darkness #13: “Cast away those illusionary pants and start taking some responsibility.”
[The Scene: Vizh and Dancer are out looking for runaway Kerry Shepherdson, before she’s found by the State Troopers who have shoot-for-kill orders for Homeland Security. Improbably, the trail has led to a ruined bus station on the edge of burned out Hell’s Bathroom. It’s not a good neighbourhood.]
Dancer: Please tell me that the inferno that gutted this place happened back in the riots.
Visionary: I’m pretty sure these are old scorch marks. Let’s assume they are anyhow.
Dancer: But all the same, the smell of burning rubber and the soot marks are the kind of thing that would make Kerry feel at home. I wonder if there’s a fuel dump nearby?
Vizh, nervously: Perhaps we’d better step up our search?
Karl, Sarah’s hulking brother, who against his sister’s urgings has insisted on coming along on the hunt: This would never have happed if we’d had her tagged like I suggested when she was four.
Dancer: I thought it was quite realistic, her reconstructing Viet Nam like that with your toy soldiers. Apparently they did use quite a lot of napalm and agent orange.
Karl, glaring at Visionary: I still don’t see why we had to bring him along. He looks half dead anyway. He’s probably on drugs.
Visionary: I’m suffering from coming down off crullers. That could be it.
Dancer: Actually, Vizh, you are looking awfully pale. Are you sure you don’t want to wait back at my flat?
Vizh: You’re talking about my heart condition? I think staying behind in your flat to discuss wedding seating plans with your mother would be worse than wandering by night through the seediest part of Hells’ Bathroom.
Karl: Hey, that’s my overtalkative, domineering mother you’re talking about! I could still crush you like a bug for dating my sister you know!
Vizh: I’m trying to think why Dancer wanted to move to America. Anyway, it’s a rough neighbourhood. Nobody should come here alone, not even a Proba…
Dancer: Ixnay on the P.D, Vizhster. Not everybody knows.
Karl: Knows? Knows what? * glares at Visionary * She is pregnant, isn’t she?
Vizh: You didn’t tell him?
Karl: What? I’m going to snap you like a twig, you Yank playboy!
Vizh, looking behind him: I mean she didn’t tell you about her secret id… er, her dreams of being a dancer?
Karl: Oh sure. Sarah’s been mad about that rubbish since she could first toddle. We kept hoping she’d grow out of it. She had a future at the Bogall grocery story, but she threw that all away for international travel and romance and stuff.
Dancer: Yeah, imagine.
Vizh, looking nervously at the shadows: Do you guys think somebody’s following us? Only this is starting to look like one of those movies where the city slickers get cornered by rap artists and stuff.
Dancer: And it’s great that you’re here to protect me, Vizh. I’m feeling very safe, knowing that any muggers will certainly target the bright yellow coat first. But I don’t want to risk your health if you’re not up to it.
Vizh: I don’t know what you heard, but… oh, you mean up to looking for Kerry. Yes. That is what I thought you meant.
Fleabot, the robot flea perched on Vizh’s shoulder: Don’t worry Dancer. Yo made me come along as the world’s most intelligent cardiograph. And maybe for comic relief too.
Dancer: Lisa also said that when necessary you also made a very fine contraceptive.
Fleabot: She did explain that was in the metaphorical sense though, right?
Karl: If people are following us I will pound them into the ground and stomp on their pieces.
Vizh: I can’t think why you didn’t mention your… additional activities to Karl, Sarah.
Dancer: Like it’s not bad enough that mother and Kerry know.
Karl: Know? Know what? Hey, wait, did Visionary’s dandruff just talk?
Fleabot: Of course not. It’s just the DTs. Better if you don’t draw attention to it, Karl. Here in America they use compulsory genital shock treatment to cure it. Just pretend that I’m not here, and maybe nobody will notice that you forgot to put your pants on.
Karl, looking down in panic and clutching his trousers: I’m wearing pants!
Fleabot: Yes, I’m sure that in your alcohol-sizzled mind you can see some very realistic lower body clothing. I guess you think you put on underwear too.
Karl, clutching his lower regions: What? But the pants feel so real!
Fleabot: You have to start getting to grips with reality. Cast away those illusionary pants and start taking some responsibility.
Dancer, stopping Karl from unzipping his trousers: It’s okay, Karl. Really. Vizh actually does have a talking robot flea. They’re all the rage here in America.
Karl: I knew that. I was just… checking I hadn’t lost my wallet. Like you said, this is a bad neighbourhood. I know I’m not insane.
Vizh’s Talking Hat: That must be very comforting for you, Karl.
Karl: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!
Fleabot: Hat, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
Vizh: Actually, the Sorting Hat is supposed to know stuff. Maybe it can tell us where Kerry is?
Hat: Sure. Put me on her head and I’ll give you her exact location.
Dancer: Okay, so we’ll need another plan then. Karl, stop gibbering. The hat is talking. Deal with it.
Karl: It’s probably one of those stupid Yank yuppie toys, like the mobile phone shaped like a flea. Are you sure your fiancée doesn’t need beating to a pulp?
Vizh: Hey, you already decked me one. I’m running out of eyes to blacken.
Karl: That was just a rehearsal. You don’t have any intimidating teenage girls to hide behind now.
Dancer: Let’s all just concentrate on the problem at hand, shall we? Later on we can try and cure Vizh’s impending Heart of Darkness and the world ending, and Karl’s congenital stupidity, okay?
Vizh: Okay, we… World ending?
Dancer: Oh, I guess we didn’t mention Xander’s report. Let’s save that for another episode, shall we? Um, did you ever get squeamish watching Alien? No, never mind. Later.
Fleabot: Visionary, as your medical consultant can I remind you that you have to breathe?
Karl: Aw, if he dies he dies. So where do we start looking for Kerry? Do we just sit quietly and listen for the explosions?
Vizh: That’s not actually a bad idea.
Dancer: There’s nobody else around here to ask. I can’t shift a probability of zero of people having seen her. Even the G-men who are trying to find and deport Kerry walk in threes in this part of town.
Fleabot: I thought declaring a statewide emergency because Kerry had gone missing was a bit of an over-reaction. It’s not like Kerry’s got access to advanced alien combat technology this time she’s AWOL.
Vizh: Well, not yet. That’s why we have to hurry.
Muggers, jumping out on Vizh, Sarah, and Karl: Aha! Prepare to be mugged, helpless tourists!
Vizh: You can’t mug us. *steps back* Karl is here to protect us.
Dancer: You are the Devil. Well done.
Karl: If you come any closer to my sister I will mince you into, er, mince.
Fleabot: Way to terrify the ‘hood, Karl.
Hat: I’m not a hood, so much as a state of the art head-covering apparatus… Oh, I see what you mean.
Mugger: Dude, your hat is muttering.
Vizh: I’m not the Devil. Well, not yet till this elder virus Heart of Darkness thing kills me. Although I admit to approving of Fleabot tormenting your brother. Um, do you think we should help him?
Dancer: He has pent-up anger management issues. Best to let him work them off on muggers. Hey, Karl, I think I dated that one in the leather jacket. He put his hand on my butt.
Fleabot: How is it you two never thought of getting married before?
Vizh: I’m too nice for her. That says a lot really, doesn’t it?
Hat: Some girls are attracted to men with receding hairlines, apparently.
Fleabot: Yeah. Receding hairlines and advancing wallets.
Karl: Stop bleeding, you feeble spalleens! Get up and be punched some more!
Fleabot: We have to introduce him to Donar.
Vizh: Well done Karl. That was very… physical. But I think you can stop kicking them now. Well, shortly.
Dancer: This is all wasting time. We have to find Kerry so we can get back to your major plot about that Heart of Darkness thingie. But how can we track her from here?
[Just then, all the windows in the Lynchpin’s tower over in GMY explode outwards.]
Dancer: Ah.
Vizh: Where are we going to get a cab in this part of town at this time of night? And also, do you think the Lynchpin’s going to expect me to pay for that?
[To be continued ]
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