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Dancer via Vizh
Mon Oct 17, 2005 at 05:51:03 pm EDT
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Kerry Shepherdson & the Heart of Darkness #16: “I should mention that while I’m pretty good these days at controlling the damage effects when things improbably blow up, my concentration tends to slip after about ten minutes”
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Kerry Shepherdson & the Heart of
Darkness #16: “I should mention that while I’m pretty good these days at
controlling the damage effects when things improbably blow up, my concentration
tends to slip after about ten minutes”


[The Scene: The Gothametropolis York skyscraper headquarters of Harry Flask, a
rotund businessman whom the ill-informed and those who have no regard for their
kneecaps call the Lynchpin of Crime.]

Kerry Shepherdson: Yo, John Travolta! Are you one of tubbo’s bodyguards or do
you just like the Matrix far too much to be healthy?

Bodyguard at the door of Flask Tower: Run along and find your mommy, kid. This
ain’t no kindergarten.

Kerry: You know why smoking is bad for you? You never know when your cigarette
packet might spontaneously combust in your jacket pocket.

Bodyguard: Aaaaagghh! Aaah! Aaah!

Kerry: Also, it’s a bad idea to keep loose ammunition in the same pocket because
.355 shells don’t react well to heat.

Bodyguard: Aaaah *blam* Aaaaaah! Aaaaahhh! *blam blam blam*

Kerry: Okay, while you’re dunking yourself in the foyer fountain I’m just going
to go up and find your chubby boss and ask him a few things. Move along folks,
nothing to see here. On the other hand, if you’d care to watch that telephone
switchboard over there, perhaps from hard cover…?

[And upstairs…]

Half a dozen black-suited armed men pointing firearms as the lift door opens: Okay
sister, don’t move!

Kerry: You’re not my brother. For one thing your knuckles aren’t quite scraping
on the ground. For another you don’t smell of whiskey. And thirdly he’d know
better than to point exploding things at me without a fire extinguisher to hand.

Half a dozen black-suited armed men: Aaaaah *blamblamblamblam* Aaaaghhh!
Aaahhhh!!!

Kerry: Also I should mention that while I’m pretty good these days at
controlling the damage effects when things improbably blow up, my concentration
tends to slip after about ten minutes. That’s why I always flunk, because some
fake dweeboids seem to think I should be marked down for frying the simulated
supervillain. Anyway, I’d be thinking about that while you’re running for the
bathroom to put out your pants.

Gamona the Assassin: Very clever, little one. But now is the time for you to lie
down quietly and let me take you into custody.

Kerry: Really? Because frankly if we had a fight I’m not sure your rep could
take another tick in the loser column. I mean is there anybody who hasn’t
spanked your bare green butt now in the entire Who’s Who? ManMan maybe?

Gamona: I’m not flammable, little girl. But I am very fast and not inclined to
forget an insult.

Kerry: And also in need of clothing. I mean, Earth food must be really tasty
compared to that outer-space gruel Dark Thugos brought you up on, but you have
to admit you’re getting a bit wide on it. And saggy. Just saying.

Gamona: And now you die.

The Lynchpin: Hold a moment, Gamona. I’m curious.

Kerry: About the contents of a KFC bargain bucket? Or maybe a McDonalds delivery
truck?

The Lynchpin: About why you would commit suicide in this manner, breaking into
my stronghold.

Kerry: I figured it was worth risking you sitting on me and the possible gas
attacks if you’ve been having a spicy third lunch to get some info. I want to
know who’s been smearing Visionary, and why. And where to find them now.

Gamona: Isn’t she cute? I think I’ll have her stuffed after I’ve slaughtered
her.

The Lynchpin: Do I look like an information booth, little girl?

Kerry: Well, you’re wide enough, fatso. So make with the info. *thinks* Tell you
what, why don’t you give me the information then gloat about how I’m never going
to live to use it? That’ll teach me.

Gamona, exchanging glances with the Lynchpin: That does seem fair.

The Lynchpin: Very well. I do not know who set all the rumours in motion, but
several of the press releases have been co-ordinated by an entrepreneur called
Roni Y Avis. He’s in the book. Any more questions before you die?

Kerry: Well, I was wondering whether you’d ever heard of Slimmer’s Club, and I
was wondering if nudie greenie here has to smooch with you as part of her
duties, in which case, eew. And also I was wondering about the runaway gas
tanker outside.

Gamona: What runaway gas tanker?

BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!





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