Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer via Visionary
Wed Oct 19, 2005 at 09:23:58 pm EDT
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Kerry Shepherdson and the Heart of Darkness #17: “It’s my job to say bad things about Fake-o, not anybody else’s.”
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Kerry Shepherdson and the Heart
of Darkness #17: “It’s my job to say bad things about Fake-o, not anybody
else’s.”


[The Scene: The GMY Offices of Avis Enterprises: Bringing Spam and Junk Mail
Right to Your Doorstep Since 1995]

Roni Y Avis, Millionaire Inventor of Internet Spam: And find me a bunch more of
those former African ministers who are dying of cancer and need to get their
fortunes out of the country. And then get me a coffee.

Kerry: Here’s a coffee, Mr Avis, sir.

Roni: Thanks I… Aaaaaaaghhh! Hot! Hothothot!

Kerry: Pretty inappropriate of you to call me that, given that I’m a minor and
all.

Roni: The coffee! The coffee was hot! Aaaaagghhhhhhhh!!!!

Kerry: Yeah, the only thing worse than a mouthful of scalding coffee is when the
handle comes off the mug and it all falls in your lap. Nice hook on your hand,
by the way, but probably a dumb idea to try and wipe the coffee off your pants
with it. See, I told you. That has to hurt.

Roni: Get it out! Get it out!

Kerry: Again with the inappropriate remarks. Anyhow, while you’re screaming and
whimpering and clutching your wet pants and trying to dislodge your hook I have
a few questions for you. Oh, by the way, hold this.

Roni: This? Why should I hold a pocket calculator?

Kerry: Because of the lithium batteries. You shouldn’t heat them up. They can
explode and send shrapnel fragments everywhere.

Roni: Why is this pocket calculator smoking?

Kerry: Also best not to shake it or try and put it down. Not when it’s
overheating like that. Well, not unless you want another hook-hand. And then how
would you go to the bathroom. *looks down* I wasn’t asking for a demonstration.

Roni: Who are you? What do you want? *A horrible suspicions flashes across his
face* You’re not from my ex-wife are you?

Kerry: I’m your worst nightmare, Roni. I’m Kerry Shepherdson, and I have all the
powers of the Probability Dancer but none of the conscience. Except really I
only seem to be able to make things catch fire or blow up. Would you like to
catch fire or blow up, Roni?

Roni: No. No, not really.

Kerry: It wasn’t a yes/no question, more of a choice. The fire would hurt more,
of course, but the explosion has less chance of survival. Nobody walks away from
a kidney detonation.

Roni: You’re not a killer! You can’t fool me.

Kerry: Well sure, I wasn’t a killer before somebody smeared my guardian, got me
taken into care, then arranged for me to be deported home and put in some kind
of lobotomy camp. But then I ran off and met up with the Hooded Hood.

Roni: The… the Hooded Hood…

Kerry: Yeah. Ioldobaoth and my sister are seeing each other. So he gave me a cup
of tea. In the nice china.

Roni: The H-hood gave you tea…

Kerry: And he helped me with my plan. It’s a good plan.

Roni: The Hooded Hood gave you tea and helped you with your p-plan? Oh crap…!

Kerry: Now clearly I’m going to have to wreak horrible revenge on you for
co-ordinating a smear campaign against Visionary. It’s my job to say bad things
about fake-o, not anybody else’s. But before I turn you into a pillar of cooking
meat or a kit form forensics experiment – your choice – I was wondering why you
did it and who paid you.

Roni: I… I don’t… I can’t…

Kerry: Dead men tell no tales, Roni. This could be your last chance to spill the
beans. Before I cook them.

Roni: Look, I’m just a middle man, trying to make a few bucks in a world that
fears and hates me. I can’t be choosy who I take as a client. I just do what
they ask and…

Kerry: *picks up desk cigarette lighter*

Roni: Okay! Okay! I did it, okay! I paid some of the university students to file
false claims and I seeded a few articles in the press and I tipped off the IRS
and I helped social services to come to their decision with the odd bribe here
and there! But you can’t blame me. It was so easy! People were ready to believe
anything about Visionary, anything at all. I didn’t even have to do all of the
stuff that happened. People are just like that.

Kerry: And you have documentation on all of this, right? A little rat like you
wouldn’t throw away potential blackmail material when you might use if later. So
where is it?

Roni: In the safe. But it’s on a time locks and I can’t… *safe blows out of
wall* Er, in the brown briefcase.

Kerry: And who were you doing this for? Who’s trying to ruin Vizh. I mean,
forgetting for the moment that he’s a sad pile of loser with nothing much to
ruin anyhow. Who?

Roni: I don’t know. Really. I only ever met a middle-woman. I never asked her
name. Okay, I asked for her phone number, You should have seen the size of her…
Er, she didn’t give me her name. Or number. She did give me an elbow in the
stomach. But I don’t know. I really don’t. I… what are you doing?

Kerry: Me? I’m taking this brown briefcase and I’m going to the press with it.
And you… you’re running.

Roni: Running?

Kerry: Well, that’s really up to you. But in about three minutes the gas main
under this building of yours is going to fail, and there’ll be a freak spark
from a faulty electrical cable, and the whole place is going sky high. But worse
still, there’ll be evidence to lead the fire brigade to suspect that it was
arson, a set up job as an insurance scam, so nobody’s going to be paying out
compensation unless it’s you, Avis. In two and a half minutes now. So if I was
you I’d run as fast as my pudgy coffee-and-pee stained legs could carry me, and
I’d never ever dream of doing anything to upset Visionary ever again in my sad,
pathetic spam-loser life. Got it???

Roni: Eeep?

Kerry: Two minutes and counting…


________



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