Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancervia Vizh, who apologizes for not getting this up yesterday
Sat Oct 22, 2005 at 01:49:10 pm EDT
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Everybody Else and the Heart of Darkness #18: “If there were many more cast members we would be a chapter of Untold Tales.”
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Everybody Else and the Heart of
Darkness #18: “If there were many more cast members we would be a chapter of
Untold Tales.”


[The Scene: Xander the Improbable’s Plumbing and Watch Repair Shop, in Hell’s
Bathroom (which isn’t exactly a good neighbourhood)]

Hallie, entering the shop: This isn’t exactly a good neighbourhood, is it? Three
idiots just tried to mug me.

Cleone Swanmay, the world’s most unusual shop assistant: Oh, those poor men!

Hallie: I didn’t hurt them. I just make a hologram of Messenger and they had to
rush home to change their underwear.

Cleone: It’s probably about time they changed their underwear anyway. I’m sure
muggers are not the most sanitary people. You probably performed a public
service.

Hallie: Is the sorcerer in? I wanted to check whether he’d got any further on
figuring how to undo whatever black magics are gnawing at Visionary’s heart.

Cleone: He’s out now with that Johnstantine person trying to locate dark tomes
that will help him with his research.

Ebony, coming in: Person isn’t the word I’d use to describe Johnstantine. In
fact there aren’t suitable words without resorting to blasphemous elder
languages.

Hallie: Hello Ebony. I didn’t realise you were coming here too.

Ebony: Oh yes. And believe it or not, some boys just tried to mug me.

Cleone: Perhaps they were carrying clean underwear with them?

Ebony: They tried to grab my golden amulet. That wasn’t a very good idea.

Hallie: The one you carry a piece of Shoggoth in? No, not really.

Ebony: But I am sure that with a couple of decades of good psychiatric treatment
they will learn to stop screaming at their fingers.

Cleone: Good. It’s nice that this society helps the unfortunate. I’m afraid
Xander isn’t back yet. The Librarian got him access to the Forbidden Repository
of G’Th’Tor so he’s trying to consult the Scrolls Obscura.

Liu Xi, entering the shop: Forbidden Repository? Would it help if I made it
appear in Visionary’s bathroom?

Hallie: I think enough things have appeared in Vizh’s bathroom, thanks very
much. What are you doing here?

Liu Xi: Well, I tried to fold void to get in, but I ended up in a trash can
across the alley. I’m pretty impressed. Oh, and then some men tried to molest
me.

Cleone: It’s a bad neighbourhood.

Liu Xi: Maybe they’ll like North Korea better? I’ve given them the chance to
find out.

Yo, entering the shop: Hello, Yo-friends! Is to be nice to be seeing of you all.
Is good to be so many of Visi’s friends are to be looking out for him.

Ebony: It says much about him. Did you have problems with assailants when you
came in?

Yo: No. Is to be some cute men in alley to be asking for what Yo was carrying,
so Yo is to be giving it to them.

Liu Xi: You let them rob you?

Yo: They are to be asking. Yo is to be giving. Then they are to be screaming. Yo
does not think they are to be getting on playing with cute-Lisa’s cute-cat.

Cleone: You gave them Lisa’s cat? They asked you for it?

Yo: They are saying ‘Hand over your cat, bitch’. So Yo did.

Ebony: Cat? Not… cash?

Yo: Yo supposes they could have said cash. Oopsi. Yo will to be going and
apologising.

Asil, entering with Miiri: There’s an awful lot of blood in the alley.

Miiri: It might be that a wild hoorgra has been loosed in this maze of dark
alleys.

Liu Xi: They wish.

Miiri: We came to see if there was any word on how to alleviate Visionary's
condition.

Hallie: Just to be clear, we are talking about his heart of darkness here, yes?

Ebony, coldly: Maybe you were hoping to clobber us all and run out to save him
single-handedly, Miiri?

Miiri: Sorry about that. I just did not want Master Shoggoth to rip Visionary’s
head off. Not when he is going to become a father.

Cleone: I sense the life waxing within you, Miiri. Congratulations. Although…

Miiri: Although?

Cleone: No… I’m sure that’s a plot for another day. Don’t worry.

Chiaki, entering: Some people are very stupid. You’d think they’d spot the large
sword I’m carrying before they try to rob me, yes?

Asil: Oh dear. You were mugged?

Chiaki: Well, I might have had to chastise some would-be robbers, but they
tripped up over some screaming idiots trying to eat their fingers off, then ran
into an alley that had some kind of growling animal in the shadows, then fell
down an open manhole.

Urthula, entering: And I’d just got my hair nice too. Idiots.

Cleone: You bumped into the muggers.

Urthula: They tasted like chicken.

Yo: Is to be cute that you are to be joking like this.

Urthula: Yes. Joking. Actually, I came to warn Xander of something. Is he here?

Hallie: Join the queue.

Urthula: I think someone… let’s just call him my wicked uncle the Necromancer
General… is hunting Visionary to steal his heart of darkness for his known
nefarious ends.

Cleone: The Necromancer General! I don’t think it would be a good idea to let
him have the heart of darkness.

Ebony: And I don’t suppose he’s let you out without putting some kind of geas on
you to prevent you from telling us where he is, Urthula?

Urthula: Right. But I do know he’s gunning for Visionary. So I thought it was
only fair to warn somebody since… well, y’know, it’ll really piss my uncle off.

Liu Xi: We’ll have to find Visionary before he does, that’s all. It should be
easy with a cast this huge.

Yo: Is true. We do not even have to be looking in to be seeing what cute-Lisa
and Ma Shepherdson are to be doing.

Hallie: If there were many more cast members we would be a chapter of Untold
Tales.

Con Johnstantine, entering with Xander: You’d get more replies that way. Evening
all!

Cleone: Xander, did you have any trouble with thugs outside intent on robbing
you?

Xander the Improbable: No, not really. They gave us their wallets and left very
hurriedly.

Miiri: And did you find out what is happening to Visionary, and how it may be
stopped.

Asil: Surely there’s some way for us to save the Great Man?

Con: Well, darling, there’s good news and bad news about that. On the good side
it seems the fake man has managed to stop Nyarlurkhotep suborning his soul to
remake his body into a new shell for the herald of the Fairly Great Old Ones.

Chiaki: That fits my definition of good news, yes.

Xander: On the downside…

[And that’s a good place to leave that scene for now ]


_________



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