Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer via Vizh
Mon Oct 24, 2005 at 11:51:22 pm EDT
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Kerry Shepherdson and the Heart of Darkness #19: “Flogging’s too good for your kind. You’d need to do fifteen years hard labour to be worthy of flogging.”
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Kerry Shepherdson and the Heart
of Darkness #19: “Flogging’s too good for your kind. You’d need to do fifteen
years hard labour to be worthy of flogging.”


[The Scene: the office of J. Jonah (or James) Jerkson, Publisher of the Daily Trombone]

JJJ: What the… What’s all that noise and commotion? I don’t pay people to walk
not run to the nearest fire exit not stopping to collect their personal
belongings and assemble in the car park! What’s going on?

Kerry Shepherdson: It’s a fire alarm, toothbrush-face. But don’t panic. It looks
like somebody just jammed a few old copies of some lying slimerag called the
Daily Trombone into a ventilator shaft and set light to them. Lots of
smoke and stuff, plus the sprinklers of course, but no danger.

JJJ: You! The Shepherdson girl! The public menace with the APB!

Kerry: Right. And while I’m here you can get a photographer to take some decent
shots of me. Those things the FBI released are so unflattering, and those
low-slung hip-huggers are so last year. What was I thinking?

JJJ: So you’ve brought your terrorist campaign here to try and gag the free
press, have you? Flogging’s too good for your kind. You’d need to do fifteen
years hard labour to be worthy of flogging.

Kerry: Aw, I’m getting all warm and fuzzy with your kind words, flat-top. But
actually I’m here with a reader’s complaint.

JJJ: Reader? You? I’d be surprised if young people today could even spell out
the words in a Janet and John book!

Kerry: What’s the point of learning to read when all you’re publishing is
self-serving crapola, Jerkson? You printed all that bull about Visionary. Were
you too dumb or too lazy to check your facts, or were you just so eager to get a
story that sticks it to superheroes that you didn’t even get off your bony tight
ass to even look at what you were printing?

JJJ: The Trombone is a paper of record, you sawn-off juvenile psychopath.
An organ of truth! It’s our duty to expose the truth behind these dangerous
myths that so-called superheroes are anything more than fascist thugs enjoying
public-approval for their unlicensed violence. And you’re the poster girl for
it, Kerry Shepherdson!

Kerry: Right. Because every time I try and do something, every time I try and
put down roots or make myself better, some bastard like you comes along and rips
it all to pieces then wonders why I want to burn the whole world down! And I
could, Jerkson! You want to write an exposé, you write about how one juvenile
psychopath could rip this planet in two if she lost it, but instead she’s been
taught better by a fake man in a stupid yellow coat. But you’re more interested
in smearing him so you feel good than getting at the truth!

JJJ: ………. So what’s the truth then, Shepherdson? That you’re actually a
misunderstood angel who sneaks out at night to rescue kittens?

Kery, throwing brown briefcase on table: There’s your truth, Jerkson. Proof that
Visionary was set up. Proof that social services is crooked. Proof that students
were paid to file vile false charges against Vizh. Proof that a media campaign
was co-ordinated by Roni Y Avis. Proof that somebody was manipulating you and
your flaccid organ of truth. Proof that somebody’s out to get Vizh and me. And
you were just another dumb accessory to the plot.

JJJ, checking documents: Hmm… Fearless Publisher Exposes Plot to Smear Hapless
Hero… It might make acceptable copy.

Kerry: It’s a lot better than third degree burns all over your body, little
Hitler. And another thing…

The Necromancer General, appearing at the doorway: Sonambulus Totalus!

*Kerry slumps to the floor, asleep*

JJJ: By George! Thank you very much, whoever you are. That delinquent child was
threatening me with metahuman mayhem. See my secretary for a complimentary
lollipop on the way out. A small one.

The Necromancer General: Silence, you babbling fool! Tell Visionary that I have
his lost ward now. Tell him I will send word where to find her. Tell him he must
come alone, or I will slaughter her and raise her as my undead slave for all
eternity. And tell him I shall demand his living heart as payment for her life.
That is all.

JJJ: Alright, no lollipop for you.

[To be continued…]





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