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Post By Dancer via HH Fri Jul 29, 2005 at 12:28:13 pm EDT |
Subject
Kerry and the Heart of Darkness #9: "I’m guessing this guy has really tiny thuribles though." | |
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| [The Scene: An old abandoned church out on Interstate 666 west of Gothametropolis. The thunder, um, thunders. Lightning lightings . And where the old graveyard was, in the new tarmac parking lot, there’s an awful lot of cars. And inside the church…] Brother Harold: Seal up the thuribles of infinity, and let all prepare to do obeisance to the master! Runaway Kerry Shepherdson, who was wet and wanted to get out of the rain: I don’t do obeisance on the first date. Whatever it is. Brother Deevis: Let the neophite remain silent! Kerry: Neophyte better mean hot and way classy chick, dweeb-cowl. Brother Harold: Ahem. Excuse me. Trying to seal up the thuribles here. Kerry: You go right ahead, buddy. But this guy here won’t even have any thuribles if he keeps on breathing in my face. Brother Kevin: By the master! Where on earth did we get this one from? Brother Deevis: Brother Biscuit brought her in. He found her at the bus station arguing because they wouldn’t let her bring her thermite charges onto the trans-state express. Kerry: Since 9/11 everybody’s being a real spoilsport. That’s another thing I owe Osama Bin Laden for. Brother Harold: Well, if you could just keep her from interrupting while I’m doing the thuribles bit… Sister Bartok, arriving: Too late for the thuribles now, Brother Harold. I suppose it was too much to actually entrust you with the thuribles anyway. Brother Harold: They were very nearly sealed. Kerry: Yeah, cut the guy some slack. After all, they were infinite thuribles, from what he was saying. *glances at Brother Deevis* I’m guessing this guy has really tiny thuribles though. Brother Deevis: That does it! I say we cut the rituals and get right to the bit where we indoctrinate her with big heavy sticks! Kerry: Actually, Brother Biscuit said there’d be sandwiches. Brother Biscuit: Whose turn was it to bring the munchies this ritual? Brother Harold: Crap! I was so busy getting the thuribles of infinity sealed… Kerry: Has it stopped raining then? Because I’m thinking if there’s no cold cuts I’ll be heading off to hitch a ride with some stray psychopathic trucker or something. Sister Bartok: Oh, I don’t think so. We haven’t discussed your sad, lonely, pathetic existence yet. We haven’t played upon your deep need to belong. Brother Deevis: I’ll go get the big sticks. Sister Bartok: No need for the big sticks this time, Brother Harold. I can feel this child’s need for here. So lonely, so isolated, so very confused. She needs direction. Authority. Faith. Kerry: Mostly I need some sandwiches and directions back to the interstate. And possibly any common household cleaning fluids you happen to have spare, with maybe an old coke bottle? Brother Deevis: Can I get the big sticks anyway? Brother Biscuit: What is it with you and the big sticks anyway? Always with the big sticks. Brother Deevis: I don’t always go for the big sticks. We have cattle prods and nine-tailed lashes too. Kerry: Meh. Lisa’s collection is five times bigger. Sister Bartok: Come, sister. It is time for you to break down and abase yourself before the master. Give up that troublesome free will and surrender yourself to him! Kerry: Nah, I don’t think so. Many reasons. One, no way do those puce robes look in any way cool. Two, if Brother Deevis takes one step closer with those big sticks he’s going to be wearing them internally. Three, I might be a sad lonely loser but it’s all comparative and I’ve just seen you guys. Four, why does Sister Bartok have an Adam’s apple? And five, if your master’s so amazing why is he still flammable? Brother Harold: You have to admit she has some good points. Brother Deevis: We can always beat them to pulp. Brother Biscuit: Is that smoke coming from under the statue of the master? Sister Bartok: Blasphemous child! You dare to turn aside a chance to serve the greatest power of the Parodyverse? Kerry: I’m guessing you’re not good at hearing people tell you “no”, right? Or shaving. Brother Biscuit: No really, look at the statue. I think there’s a wiring fault under the floorboards. Brother Deevis: Hold her down and we’ll soon have her singing her praises. Sister Bartok: Do you not realise where you have been brought, wretched child? We are the acolytes of… the Parody Master! Kerry: The Parody Master? Yeah, we did him in class. We heard he was a pretty tough bad guy on the cosmic scale of things, but his acolytes were really lame losers. And bear in mind this was Visionary saying that. Brother Harold: She really has a point. Brother Biscuit: Well, maybe if somebody had remembered to bring the munchies… Brother Deevis: Aw, enough of this crap. C’mere girlie, I’m going to teach you a lesson in obedience you won’t soon… *Statue of Parody Master burns through at base and falls on Brother Deevis* Brother Harold: Fire! Fire! Save the thuribles! Kerry: Well, I’ve gotta be going. Don’t feel you have to call. Sister Bartok: The master’s image has fallen! It is a sign! A sign! Brother Harold: That we need to get the wiring checked? Brother Biscuit: By the way, if the floorboards are burning, what about our secret weapons cache downstairs? Just asking. Sister Bartok: It is a sign that this child is a chosen one of the master’s! She might become one of his own, his Avatars! She might be the next Host of the Parody Master. Kerry, stopping in her tracks at the doorway: Really? I get to be the Parody Master? Hmmm… *The explosives in the cellar blow up, and the church kind of exploded then collapses on itself* Kerry, stood in the doorway that’s the one thing left standing: Damn. That was just getting interesting. Kerry, wandering off into the rain: Oh well, Plan B. I’ll find a way to solve all my problems somehow… *Kerry heads back to the main road, sticks out a thumb and holds high the card with her destination on it: HERRINGCARP ASYLUM* |
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