Tales of the Parodyverse

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L!
Thu Sep 08, 2005 at 11:53:49 pm EDT
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Part 1 of my Proctology story!
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An Ad placed in the classified ad's section of the local newspapers like The Parodiopolis Times, The Parodiopolis Daily Trombone, The Planetary Bugle, The Gothametropolis Squire, The Goth Haven Times, etc.:

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Super Villain Team seeking New Members

Do you consider yourself a Super Villain?
Do you strike fear into the common man or woman?
Are you a team player?
Would you like to join one of the premier Super Villain teams in the Parodiopolis area?

If so, bring your resumé & yourself to Warehouse 51 in
the scenic Parodiopolis Warehouse District (On the waterfront)
This Saturday, 10-5!
Ask for N. Bailor.

Snacks provided!

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"Bah!" one such reader said & then threw his copy of the Classified Ad's section of The Parodiopolis Daily Trombone. This news had just put a damper on his morning.

"What is it, sir?" The Reader's manservant asked as he started to pick the various parts of the paper.

"My old team is trying to reform it's self. How dare they reform without my consent! I'm still their leader!" The reader said.

This is how we find the ruler of the smallish European country, Bovoria & master super villain, Thighmaster & his manservant, Browning. They are deep within Thighmaster Keep, the Bovorian ruler's castle. Thighmaster was just trying to have a nice morning: sitting on his gold encrusted throne, trying his new robe, reading some of the world's newspapers looking for mentions of his villainous deeds & drinking The Blood of the Innocent (Thighmaster's new Energy drink) from his favorite Garfield mug when he came across that ad in the paper.

"If I may speak freely, sir." Browning asked.

"You may." Thighmaster said waving his mug at his manservant.

"Thank you, sir. But when you abandoned them during the Las Vegas incident, I think they may have assumed that you had deserted your post as leader of the team also."

"I never did that. I just wanted to get away from those Church of Elvis freaks. It's not my fault they didn't follow me like you did."

"You've always had a wonderful sense of self-preservation. If I may say so, sir."

"Thank you, Browning."

"And I think most of the team was busy defending themselves from the Church of Elvis, as you called them, a few of the deserters from the team & a few Lair Legion members."

"Aw, yes. Another well laid out plan dashed on the rocks of failure by the dreaded ManMan." Thighmaster said as he shook his fist at the framed painting of the Super Hero Elvis impersonator & his talking kitchen utensil. Currently, the painting had a few darts thrown into ManMan's head & in his neither regions.

"It's alright, sir. You'll get him next time." Browning said. During this conversation, Browning had finished picking up the classified ad's that his master had thrown & placed them with the rest of the papers.

"I know. But, that's not the point now. It's my old team trying to reform without me." Thighmaster said. Then, he started to rub his chin & thought out loud. "You know, I could sue them for unlawful use of the name because I still own the right's to it."

"When did you do that?" Browning asked. He had no memory of this & he goes most places his master does. Even into the bathroom!

"Shortly after I became their leader of that sad little team, I bought them from Swingy for a chalet in the Alps."

"I didn't know you had one of those."

"I didn't." Thighmaster said with an evil smile on his face. Then, he & his manservant break into evil laughter.

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Meanwhile in Warehouse 51 on the scenic waterfront in Parodiopolis' Warehouse District, there are a small group of people who have come to call themselves by the most terrifying name to ever be named by a group of people: Proctology! Yes, Yes. They know the name isn't that terrifying but they had already boughten their stationary, so to not waste their $ 29.50 (plus shipping & handling), they've kept the name. But, they can now start thinking of renaming themselves: They are almost out of stationary!

Ned Bailor, the leader of said team, got out of his sleeping bag, left his office which he had converted into a bedroom & headed off to the bathroom. Ned was wearing his favorite slippers, his deer themed pajamas & a dark green bathrobe.

As he headed off to the bathroom, he past various framed photo's they had put on the walls. There are some of their different incarnations, People they have fought (Most of the pictures are them with spiffy) & pictures of them with other villains: Baron Heinrich Von Zemo (Before he was reconned), The Hooded Hood (Who threatened to recon them at least twice), The Yurt, Evil Monkey (Who threw Poo at them), Professor Manyarms, Canadian Nightmare & Wang the Conqueror (Who didn't like Ned giggling every time his name was mentioned) among others. Also on one of the walls is a shrine to fallen members. On the wall are pictures of the member (Pre-Death) & under the frame is a gold plague with the member's name on it. Past members who have past on have been: The Undead Mr. Ed, The Living Statement, spiffy2 & Spleen Splitter. Ned wasn't a big fan of the last two, but they were members & they did die while on the job, so they get a place on the wall.

As Ned strolls past the shrine & over to the bathroom, he feels that the Warehouse is final beginning to feel like home. They got a great deal on the Warehouse from a guy who is currently serving 10 to 20 in The Safe & didn't want his Lair going to waste. With the team paying what he wanted, they moved in & began to make it theirs! Most of the office's were remade into bedrooms & other areas were made more livable.

Ned passes the Decontamination Area that was redone to make a stable for Ed, Star's water tank that still reads "WARNING: RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL" (Star was swimming around happily in it), Carl's janitor closet/bedroom & Jonas' office bedroom. Ned was about to go into the bathroom but the door was locked. He knocked & then Jonas unlocked the door, poked his head & said "Hello."

"I need the bathroom. I gotta pee!" Ned said.

"I'm using the lavatory right now. Go and use the one over by the Negativity Zone entrance." Jonas said, then closed & locked the door.

Now, Ned knew why Jonas wanted that office: It was the closest to the bathroom! So, instead of arguing with a man who can kill you with a word, Ned went over to one of the other bathrooms. As he walked through the Negativity Zone entrance room (which they made into a Living Room), Ned's fellow teammate, Carl was sitting on the couch. He was eating the leftovers from last night's Chinese & was flipping channels looking for something to watch. The Living room set the group has was "borrowed" from Drusel's department store & was/is part of their Lair Legion Living collection (Ned owns some of their Hatman towels, very soft).

Ned waves to Carl was he passes by, Carl waves back as he shove some Mu Shu pork into his mouth.

Ned gets to the bathroom & opens the door, it's empty. So, Ned goes in. He needs some time to alone to think & he does some of his best thinking while on the toilet. It was four days before they were going to chose some new members for the team.

As Ned's mind started to wonder, he spied a person standing in the shower watching him. Ned pulled up his pants, went over to the shower & opened the shower curtain.

"Chef! Get out of here!" Ned said to the desert plant as he picked his teammate & place him outside the bathroom.

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Back in Bovoria, Thighmaster looks over his resent acquisition: Flaming Minions. They were the latest innovation from his small group of scientists that he keeps locked in his dungeon. The Flaming Minions are mindless & can set themselves on fire. He was planning on sicking them on ManMan as their first mission but he now has another mission for them.

"How many can I have ready by Saturday?" Thighmaster asked one of the scientist.

"How many do you want?"

An evil smile spread across Thighmaster's face.

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After Ned's time in the John, Cactus Chef was still standing there where Ned had placed him. Ned had to move the pervert so he could exit the bathroom. Ned walked back through the Living Room, Carl had found a Car show to watch, it wasn't something that interested Ned so he kept on going. His stomach started to growl, so Ned headed over to the Kitchen/Employee Break Room for breakfast. He needed his daily bowl of Atomic Blasted Coco-Puffs. It has coco puffs with little sort of marshmallow type bits in the shape of skulls in it. Just the type of cereal Ned liked!

When Ned got there Jonas was sitting at the table reading the paper, Jonas was having a grapefruit & some toast with orange marmalade on it.

Ned got his box of cereal, the milk from the fridge (It had expired yesterday, but Ned was sure it was still safe to drink) & a bowl. He sat across the table from his teammate & Ned poured himself a bowl of cereal & then poured in the milk, the cereal makes the milk turn blood red (that's partly why Ned eats the cereal). He began to eat & read the back of the box: Atomic Pete was trying to get a shipment of Atomic Blasted Coco-Puffs to Yum Yum Fun 8. Atomic Pete could only get there if Ned helped him navigate a maze of asteroids & avoid the other dangers along the way.

"Ned?" Jonas asked.

Ned looked up from the box at his teammate.

"What do you eat that stuff? It has got to have no redeeming value!"

"It tastes good!" Ned replies, he almost spit cereal & milk Jonas as he talked. Also, Jonas almost made Ned crash Atomic Pete into an asteroid with squid like aliens on it.

"If you say so. Also, just thought you'd like to know, our ad was in the paper today." Jonas said & showed Ned the ad.

"Cool!" Ned said, trying to not spill the cereal & milk that was in his mouth. He whipped some milk of his chin & then went back to his space adventure. The people of Yum Yum Fun 8 will get their cereal!

Jonas groaned a bit. He got up from the table, put away the marmalade & placed his dishes in the sink. As he walked away, he started to again wonder why they, as a team, decided that the youngest member of the team should be their leader. As he leaves Ned to his cereal & box, Jonas think why anyone would want join this group?

-------------------------------


To Be Continued....

Next Time: The people who would want to join that group & an attack by the Flaming Minions!

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You knew there would be footnotes, didn't you?

What exactly is Proctology?: It is a branch of medicine dealing with the structure and diseases of the anus, rectum, and sigmoid colon.

Why would anyone name a team after that?: spiffy created this team & here's what he had to say about where the name came from: "They came up with the name because Swingy (I think it was Swingy, anyway) heard someone say that proctology was the one thing that frightened them. By the time he'd learned the meaning of the term, it was too late; they'd already printed all their stationary." I liked the stationary comment so much, I put a similar comment in this story.

The Members of Proctology. Listed here are their names, powers & some misc. info:

-Pudu Lad (Ned Bailor): He is an original member. He was kicked out during Thighmaster's time with the team but he's come back & became their current leader. Ned has the combined powers of 5 pudu deers & can almost change into 5 pudu deer's.

-The Undead Living Statement (Jonas Hollister): He is an original member & was killed by Thighmaster. But, was brought back via some black magic. Jonas has the power of what ever he says becomes true. Since his death, he has become more powerful because he doesn't have to keep himself alive.

-Star-Fish: He is an original member & was literally throw out of the group by Thighmaster. Ned saved him & came back when Ned did. He is Star is a starfish that can grow to enormous size but can't survive for long with out being fully submersed in water.

-Undead Mister Ed: Ed is an original member & was killed again, but this time by Thighmaster. He was brought back by the same black magic that brought him back the first time. Ed is an animated horse skeleton. He can grow to enormous size, also.

-Hobo Volvo (Carl): He is one of the newest members. He can transform into a Volvo & before joining the team was homeless.

-Cactus Chef: He is also a new member & is a cactus who wears a chef's hat. Not much is known about this member.

Where's Swingy?: Swingy was an original member of the team, their first leader & is a master of the swinging arts! The last I heard he was currently serving time at The Safe, The maximum security prison designed to contain super-villains, on Flanagan Island. Swingy is not the man Proctology "shares" the Warehouse with.

What in the world is a Pudu?: The short answer is that it is the World's Smallest Deer! To learn more, go here. It's site on the Pudu from my local Zoo.

Where can I read some of Proctology's past story appearances ?: Well, I don't have of the spiffy written Proctology story/stories (I'd like to). But, I can direct you to ManMan's version of Proctology. This is where you can find of about the Las Vegas incident & the Church of Elvis I mentioned.


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