Hey all. Sorry for my absence, I've been busy with other projects. You'll see what those are, hopefully sooner rather than later.
The following story was the last story I was working on for the Parodyverse; I liked the concept but couldn't figure out how to end it. The plan was to have the Commission quickly go insane when trapped in a ridiculous stereotype of the Silver Age of Comics. However, I couldn't quite execute it right, and writer's block struck. Hopefully someone else can finish the story.
Anyway, on with the show...
The Commission: The Silver Age
By Neil Kapit
Ten Years Ago, in a posh house in Oxford, England....
“ Eureka! “ The man exclaimed, surveying his notes. “ Sorry about the cliche. “
” Phillip, “ his wife replied, “ What’s gotten into you? “ She had just gotten up from a fitful sleep to hear her husband’s declaration. As usual, his end of the bed was coated with scrawlings on lined papers.
“ I figured it out, Christine, “ Phillip beamed. “ The proper formula, the correct sequence of chromosomes-- I can finally fulfill my life’s dream! “
” Which would be, “ Christine asks.
“ To own my very own Smilodon californius.”
” I’m sorry, dear, I don’t speak Latin. “
“ It means, love, that I’m going to revive a Sabre-toothed tiger. “
Christine just gazed emptily at her husband. “ Have you been drinking again? I’m not judging... “
“ Not this time, “ the British man smiled. “ This formula I’ve just engineered is a sequence of additional stray chromosomes found in the remains of fossils. If I inject it into a modern day cat, preferrably a modern tiger, it should transform it into its prehistoric predecessor. I’ve checked the math two dozen times, and it all adds up. “
” But why would you want to do this? What possible use could you have for a sabre-toothed tiger? “
“ It’s not the product itself that matters, Christine, but the future applications of the process. If man can bring back the sabre-toothed tiger, think of all the other extinct animals we could revive! Dodo birds, thylacines, great auks-- hell, maybe even dinosaurs? “
” I still don’t follow why mankind needs dinosaurs. Why should we bring back the T-Rex? “
” Well.....because we CAN. “
Christine laughed. “ I just love it when you play God, Phillip. “ She said in a sultry voice. She leaned over to kiss him, which led to even more intimate activities.
***
Back in 2005, Al B. Harper awoke from his slumber to hear a knocking on his door. Still somewhat groggy, he changed out of his pajamas and into his typical lab coat. He walked through his small cabin, passing the various scientific equipment adorning his walls. When he got to the door, he saw in front of him a large blue curtain, blocking his view entirely. Al B. looked up to see that the curtain was, in fact, the skirt of a gargantuan young woman, sitting at the door in a lotus-style position.
“ Hi, “ she smiled at him, the volume of her voice almost pushing him back, “ Did we get your attention? “
” Who’s we, “ Al B. asked. From behind the giant woman came a man of approximately the same age, wearing a steel mask and a red duster coat. He was pushing a stroller with a little girl in pink clothing in tow. She was bawling very loudly.
“ That’d be me and the Platinum Child, “ the man in the coat stated. “ We need your help. You already know me.....my sizable friend is Molly Kitsarugi, and her kid is known as Stacy Infinity. “
” Nitz, “ Al B. grinned, “ What’s up, man? “
” We’re here to offer you a job. “
Al B. looked at Nitz with some suspicion. He knew, after all, that Nitz and Molly were members of a post human terrorist organization called only “ The Commission “, who killed scores of human rights violators in foreign countries and tried to take over the United States. Various Lair Legionnaires Al B. talked to afterwards reported that they had died and come back immediately afterwards in the battle between the two teams, but they said they weren’t gone long enough to see anything. Since then, the Commission had laid low, doing various humanitarian jobs and occasionally liberating dictatorships but remaining off the radar. Still, the Commission and the Lair Legion teamed up during that Neka mess a few months ago, and the groups had proposed a truce.
But, knowing that the two “ Commissioners “ would have already killed the theoretical physicist if they wanted to, he nevertheless let them in for coffee and pie. Molly put a small gold chain around her neck and shrank down to a relatively normal height of six-foot-four. She and her bawling adoptive child followed Nitz and Al B. into the small kitchen, where Al B. poured coffee for his guests. Nitz requested six sugar cubes.
“ As you may have heard, “ Molly told Al B., “ Our organization was formed by an evil boy genius by the name of Jonathan Armstrong Stanng. His intellect was beyond anyone else on Earth; he created our transdimensional headquarters, the Citadel, as well as all our armaments. “
” Basically, “ Nitz added, “ He made Wreed Writchards look like Michael Kelso. “
“ Go on, “ Al B. noted.
“ When he was incarcerated, “ Molly continued, “ Stanng left us with all his equipment; the entire Citadel, a three-hundred room complex capable of dimensional travel. Only one of us knows how to operate the Citadel correctly, leaving us a bit short-handed in our mission. “
“ I’m sorry, “ Al B. pointed out, “ I can’t quite hear you. Your child’s crying. “
“ Oh, sorry about that, “ noted Molly, kneeling by Stacy Infinity’s stroller, “ She’s just in her terrible twos. It’s okay, honey, it’s okay... “
” Anyways, “ Nitz said, “ We’re here to offer you a job helping operate our equipment. There’s no pay to it, but you get to live in the Citadel and really make a difference in the world. “
” Me? Work for you? “ Al B. wondered, a bit shocked. “ I’m flattered, but I’m already committed. I keep a full schedule working for the Lair Legion. “
“ Come on, man, “ exclaimed Nitz, “ The Commission’s a lot bigger than that. Comparing the two organizations is like comparing a neighborhood watch to the whole US military. “
Interesting comparison, though Al B., a bit unnerved at Nitz’s analogy of his group as a military force. But he kept his comments to himself and instead walked over to one of his Personal Computers, which he left online. “ I’m sorry, “, the physicist said, “ But the answer is still no. However, I know of a guy who would be perfect for your group. “
” Go on, “ Nitz replied.
Al B. turned to his PC and pushed some keys, and his printer started to produce a glossy picture. “ His name is Professor Phillip Hobbes Smith. He was at the top of his field in biochemistry at Oxford University, but he had a rather deforming....er....accident. “ Al B. reached for the printed picture and showed it to Nitz and Molly. Nitz was taken aback by what he saw, and knew that Al B. wasn’t kidding when he said “ deforming “.
“ After his accident, “ Al B. continued, “ He moved to Parodopolis and taught classes at PU for a few years. However, something happened to him, and he retreated from the public eye entirely. I think he lives in a bunker somewhere around here....I could have sworn I’ve seen him wandering the forest a few times, and he’s not the kind of face you forget. I met him at a physics conference a few years ago....seeing him in the flesh, I almost wet myself. “
Nitz and Molly looked at each other and slowly backed away. “ I said ALMOST! “ Al B. grumbled.
“ So you have any idea where Professor Smith lives, “ Molly asked.
” I can’t pinpoint the exact location, “ Al B. sighed. “ He really doesn’t want to be found. Maybe if I enter his name in an internet directory search... “
Suddenly, the computer exploded. Al B. jumped away the moment he saw an orange bolt streaking at his monitor. He and the two Commissioners turned around to see Stacy Infinity’s brown eyes glowing orange, with a frown on her face.
“ Pay attention to me, “ the toddler demanded.
“ Oookay.... “ Al B. sputtered, “ How did that just happen? And who’s replacing my computer? “
***
Ten Years Ago, in his office at Oxford University, Phillip Hobbes Smith was hard at work producing the formula that would rebirth extinct animals from existing life forms. Working late into the evening, he looked at the pink fluid in one of his beakers and sucked it up through a syringe. He turned around to face the tiger cage in the back of his laboratory and addressed her in a soothing voice.
“ Sorry, Sonia, “ Phillip said, “ but this may feel strange for a minute or so. I’ve calculated this in my noggin a few thousand times, and this shouldn’t hurt, but I thought I should give you, in my own way, some sort of warning.... “ He held out a slab of steak for the big cat and fit it through the bars of the cage. As Sonia feasted on the piece of cow, Phillip quickly injected a very small portion of the syringe’s contents into her neck. Within seconds, the tiger started to growl and snarl, as her body vibrated. From Sonia’s mouth sprung two foot-long incisors, as she howled furiously. As the tiger pawed at her new tusks, Phillip grinned. “ Eureka again, “ he smiled.
As soon as Phillip was done with his self-congratulations, a short grey-haired man in a blue suit walked into his lab. He was followed by two very large, bald men in black suits and sunglasses.
“ Who the bloody hell are you, “ Phillip exclaimed, “ And what are you doing here? The building is CLOSED! “
“ We’re with the US government, Professor Smith, “ the man in the blue suit told Phillip in an American accent. “ We’re interested in the sabretoothed tiger formula you’ve devised. We’re willing to pay you millions for your interest. “
” And what possible interest would you have in my formula, created purely in the interest of research? “ the professor asked them.
“ We’re looking to see if we can genetically alter human beings with your formula, increase their strength, stamina and endurance. We think that we could breed a whole new type of super-soldier. “
Phillip hollowly laughed. “ You bloody Americans can’t think of any use for anything that isn’t a weapon, “ he growled. “ Now sod off, I’m not interested. “
” But we forgot to tell you one thing, “ the man in the blue suit told Phillip.
“ Oh? What’s that? “
” We’re not really with the US Government. We’re actually a supervillianous crime syndicate called Diabolitiks. The super-soldier stuff is still true, but if you’re not going to make us the formula peacefully, “ he continued, as another large man in a black suit walked in carrying Phillip’s unconscious wife in his arms, “ We’ll have to coax you a little bit. “
” Christine! “ Phillip exclaimed.
” Young little thing, “ the man in the blue suit continued, smiling. “ How old is she, Professor Smith? Twenty five? Twenty six? Robbing the cradle a bit, aren’t we? Doesn’t matter. You give us what we need or the bitch is dead. “
“ You keep your hands off her! “ Phillip roared, lunching forward with his syringe unknowingly still in hand. One of the large men in sunglasses grabbed both his arms and forced them behind his back.
“ Now really, professor, “ laughed the lead man. “ You’re just an ordinary middle-aged man, and we’re a group of very well-trained supervillians. What can you possibly do? “
Phillip thought for a second, then smiled, and injected the entirety of his needle into his wrist. He felt a funny tingling feeling, followed by a horrible wrenching throughout his entire body. The two large men holding onto his arms dropped him in shock, as Phillip’s metamorphosis continued. It felt as though he was being torn apart and rebuilt atom by atom.
It was a wonderful feeling.
Soon, Phillip’s transformation was complete, and shortly after that there were three disembowled bodies littering the floor of his lab.
When Christine awoke, she wondered out loud, “ Phillip? Are you there? “ She looked around the darkened lab. There was nothing except a bunch of chemistry equipment, a few coffers, and a large black shape with piercing yellow eyes lurking in the corners.
“ Don’t look at me, honey, “ a voice growled in a proper British accent. “ Just....don’t.”
The Commission: The Silver Age #2
By Neil Kapit
Arun Tandia, an island nation off the coast of Badripoor, was one of the richest nations on Earth. Built on the world’s largest deposit of crude oil, it quickly became the Parodyverse Earth’s biggest exporter of Petroleum. This allowed the country a great deal of diplomatic leeway, as the corrupt monarchy was able to committ daily human rights violations from randomly arresting people of the wrong religions to torturing detainees into giving false confessions to a viscerally abysmal treatment of women. Other countries were aware of this, but Tandia’s ruling party got away with little more than a slap on the wrist.
However, they forgot that there was one party on Earth that had no interest in material possessions, and no patience for deliberate injustice.
On a typical Tuesday morning, a large war-mecha walking machine stomped through the streets of Arun Tandia’s capital. It was headed directly for the sultan’s palace, fusions cannons a-blazing. Piloting the walker was a large, muscular man with long blonde hair, a velvet coat and beret, and zebra-striped pants. He was known only as the Designer.
“ Are you sure this is the proper place? “ the Designer asked his commander the Umbra, through a radio-telepathic channel. Floating above the city, hooked into the floating fortress called the Citadel, she told the Designer of the exact coordinates.
“ I’ve sent out a web of nano spider mechanoids through all six of that bastard’s palaces, “ the nano-mechanical shadow responded. “ One of them is connected to his pudgy body...I’m sure this is the place. “
” Good, because I’d hate to destroy all this property for nothing.....actually, no I wouldn’t. “ the Designer smiled. He set the walker’s heel-mounted thrusters into full blast and dashed towards the buildings at the highest speed the ponderous mecha could manage. When he got there, he leaped out of the machine’s cockpit and over to the front door. He took out a transparent eyepiece from his pocket and attached it to one of his eyes, then followed a downloaded floorplan to the room where the sultan was staying.
When he got into the sultan’s study, he saw that he was beaten to his plans; several large men in business suits were working him over, beating their leader to a bloody pulp. The Designer threw several throwing stars into the secret service’s necks, felling them instantly. When he got to the sultan, he grabbed him by the neck. The smaller, fatter man told him something in Tandian.
“ Translation? “ the Designer thought aloud.
“ He says that he had his guards beat him up to ruin your credibility, “ the Umbra told the Designer. “ He said that if you take him to the UN Authorities, before a world’s court, they won’t believe you. He says he’s the one who provides the world oil, and you’re just a terrorist.... “
” Terrorist what? “
” Translated, it’s an “ F “ word... “
The Designer froze. One moment later, the sultan experienced a five story-fall.
***
“ The sultan of Arun Tandia didn’t survive the fall, I’m afraid. Someone caught the whole thing on tape, and it’s been circulating around the net. “
” But he had it coming, right? I mean, from what you said, he did top his reign of terror off with a sexual slur... “
” The cameras didn’t catch that. What they caught was an unarmed man being killed. That’s not going to help our reputation any... “
“ Excuse me, honey, but should we be talking about this? This is a public place.... “
” Don’t worry, this is a safe place to talk. Right, Miss Shepherdson? “
Sarah Shepherdson looked over the two customers sitting at the booth. But look over was not the correct term, as both Molly and Jake were well over six feet tall, and could look her in the eyes even when sitting down. She recognized the woman as Massive Molly of the Commission, albeit in her human form. Shep had some worries about her secret identity as the Probability Dancer, as she didn’t know what the Commission had on the Lair Legion’s files, but knew they could blow her cover as waitress at the Bean and Donut Cafe whenever they chose.
Still, there was no evidence that Molly would be the type of person to do that, so Shep just asked, “ Can I get you two anything else? “
” Just coffee, thanks, “ Jake told Shep. She left to get their drinks, and the large man continued to talk to his almost-as-tall girlfriend.
“ So what’s going to happen to the Commission now, “ he asked.
“ I don’t know, “ Molly sighed. “ Alea-- the Umbra-- is as committed as ever, but the rest of us all have lives outside the Commission. Most of us are tired of being international war criminals, and just want to go back to our old lives. If we had some sort of victory it might help, but for now, everyone’s ready to throw in the towel. “
” And you, Moll? “
” Me? I....don’t know. I mean, I committed for the long haul, but I have responsibilities. To Stacy, to the St. Evanier Day Care Center, and...uhh... “
” And to me? “
” I was going to finish my sentence on my own... “
Jake smiled. “ It’s okay, honey. I know you have your duties to this post-human thing. And whatever you choose, I support you in it. “
He leaned foward, and closed his eyes. Molly did the same. Before their lips connected, a flash of bright yellow energy enveloped the room. It quickly subsided, and atop the table appeared a small child with a pouty expression on her face.
“ STACY! “ Molly exclaimed, “ What are you doing here?! “
“ Your babysitter told me to take a nap, “ Stacy whined. “ Fire her! “
“ Um, “ Jake sputtered, “ How’d she do that, honey? “
” I think Ms. Wanson has a point, sweetie, “ Molly weakly smiled. “ Don’t you think you should have a nap? “
” NO! “ the little girl whined, “ I wanna watch cartoons! “
“ But you always have a nap at 12:30... “
” Now Stacy, “ Jake strictly warned his girlfriend’s adoptive child, “ I know you want to watch cartoons, but your mother wants you to go to sleep, so you should go to sleep. And-- “
At that instant, Stacy blasted Jake with more yellow energy, enveloping his entire body. By the time the energy dissipated, he was completely gone.
“ JAKE! “ Molly screamed. “ What did you do to him!?! “
” Uncle Jake was cranky, “ Stacy explained. “ I sent back in time to the Ice Age cool him down. “
“ Bring him back! “ demanded Stacy’s adoptive mother. Stacy just scowled at her.
“ Please? “ whimpered Molly. Stacy smiled and blasted at Jake’s empty seat, and shortly, Jake’s form returned. He was covered with snowflakes and ice crystals, and was holding himself in his arms, shivering.
” Jake! “ Molly exclaimed, “ Are you okay? “
” So cold, “ he shivered. “ S-s-so cold....and the mammoths... “
” It’s gonna be okay, “ Molly whispered. “ We’ll get you straight to a doctor. “
” Hey! “ Stacy squealed, “ What about cartoons?! “
***
The wilds by Shmynsky Falls were a remarkable place, as close to wilderness as any place in America, yet overlooking a bustling city where nature had been eradicated ( except for pigeons and roaches ). All sorts of wildlife that was dangerous to mankind proliferated the area-- bears, cougars, and wolves. It was the perfect place for a recluse to hide.
“ Remind me why I’m here again? “ Lance Flutterby asked nobody in paticular, as he walked through the woods, knocking back dense overgrowth. Of course, wearing the strength-enhancing Bateleur combat armor, forcing away oak trees was barely a chore.
“ You’re here to find Professor Smith, “ the Umbra replied over a radio-telepathic link.
“ That part I figured out. But why this guy? Why do we need an Elephant-Man wannabe who clearly doesn’t want to be found? “
” Because we’re shorthanded. We only have one person capable of operating Stanng’s equipment. And we didn’t hire you on this team for your techical skills. “
Lance whispered, “ At least I can get laid once in a while. “
” What?! “
” Nothing. My sensors are registering a strange energy signature for this tree. “ He looked at a giagantic oak tree, at least six feet wide at its base. “ I think it’s a hologram. “
” Then stop blathering about it and enter it. “ The Bateleur walked forward, his metal boots rustling across the leafy ground, and entered the tree. He stepped on what was supposed to be ground, but instead fell through a dark hole, landing on his face. Fortunately for him, his suit had shock-absorbers, but that didn’t stop an embarassing scream from erupting from his lips.
Regaining his composure, Lance activated the photo-cells in his armor’s gauntlet, and walked forward, light streaming from his index finger. He continued down a dingy, drab grey tunnel, water dripping from the ceiling and mold growing across the floor. Stepping over what appeared to be some mushrooms, Lance kept his finger extended, shooting out white light until he saw a circle of red, several circles of red.
And that was when he was launched backwards several feet, all the way back where he started. Several of the red eyes started to close in on Lance, revealing themselves attached to floating metallic bodies. “ Robots, “ he grinned, activating his suit’s weapons systems, “ You don’t feel any guilt from destroying those! “
” Ahem, “ the Umbra commented as Lance shot several lasers from his wrists, knocking the drones for a loop.
“ Present company excluded, of course. “ He commenced firing several more beams at the robots. The drones managed to dodge most of the fire, but every few seconds, one of them was hit, its armor lacerated by concentrated light. As Lance continued doing this, his head started to pound. The pounding turned into throbbing, and with the throbbing came intense pain. Lance fell to his knees, holding his helmeted head while holding back vomit.
“ Bateleur, what is it? “ The Umbra shouted. Lance didn’t answer.
Then, the drones fell to the ground. The throbbing in Lance’s head slowed down. He got to his feet and looked forward. A heavily accented voice boomed through the tunnel.
“ I have a rule against killing intruders, “ the voice said. “ State your business before I reconsider. “
A blue hologram of a slender Arabic woman in a black catsuit manifested from Lance’s armor. “ My name is Alea, better known as the Umbra. My partner is Lance Flutterby, better known as the Bateleur. “
“ So I’ve gotten the attention of the spandex-clad set? I suppose you’re going to take me into jail, where I will inevitably break out so you wankers can capture me again, etcetera etcetra. “
” We’re not here to take you in. We’re here to offer you a job. “
” Interesting. “ The entire tunnel lit up, further illuminating its decrepitness. “ Come in... “ Lance went back to the long walk down the dingy tunnel.
He emerged in a wide room that nevertheless felt cluttered due to all the dark, dusty equipment. At the center of the room, a large humanoid figure in a dark cloak sat in a chair, looking over various test tubes and bunsen burners and mechanical parts. He swiveled around and, with large orange hands, pulled back his hood. The face revealed was not that of a human, but that of a big cat-- vertical slits for pupils, a long snout with two ivory sabers sticking out of the mouth, two circular ears on top, and a thick coat of orange fur.
Phillip Hobbes Smith. The Bateleur was taken aback by what he saw, and blurted, “ Good God, man, what the hell did you do to yourself. “
” Something profoundly stupid. “ Smith sighed. “ Now state your business before I reactivate the drones. “
“ You don’t recognize us, do you? “ Lance asked.
” I have been living in this sodding hole in the ground for the past five years. What would I know about current events? “
” Then let us introduce ourselves, “ the holographic Umbra stated. “ We are the Commission, a team of trained post-human soldiers independent of any nation, devoted to maintaining world peace and harmony. We are recruiting the finest talents on Earth to help build a finer world. “
” Interesting, “ the cat-man mused. “ No. “
“ What? Why? “ she asked.
“ You were expecting brilliant optimism and a can-do spirit from a deformed recluse? You honestly believed that someone living in the woods would want to HELP civilization? I’m surprised I haven’t worked to bring it down. “
” What’s your problem, man? “ Lance shouted. “ We can offer you anything you want. What’s with the sourpuss act? “
” It is not an act, “ Smith snarled, “ And all I want to be is left alone. “
” ANYTHING. “ The Umbra echoed. “ We could even work out a way to change you back to human. “
” If I WANTED to be human, I would have become so years ago. “
” Then, “ the Bateleur asked, “ Why didn’t you. “
Turning around one-hundred and eighty degrees, Smith walked back to his workbench. He put his massive arms on the table, and sighed. “ Because, “ he stated, “ That would prove that she was right. That appearance is all that matters. That we really are such a shallow species, that an inch of orange fur is all that determines love. “
” Now go, “ he scowled, “ before I reactivate the drones. “
” But-- “
An animalistic roar echoed through the room. The Bateleur shook his head, then teleported out of the room. Phillip Hobbes Smith waited for a few seconds, then turned off the lights. All of them.
NEXT: A turning point.
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