Not that they're getting finished, but here's another old story without an ending...

In truth, this one's actually pretty important. And, in a bizarre coincidence, it's closely tied to my other major unfinished stories... namely "Happiness" and "Surplus to Destiny".

A while back, Chronicler of Stories wrote a little piece in which Visionary was taken from the hospital (let’s not get into how he got there) and made ‘Chronicler’ while the real deal went back to earth to spend time as a mortal. This is a continuation of that story.

I couldn’t pass up a chance to explore the more Cosmic reaches of the Parodyverse. So I started this. And that’s all it is, a start… it doesn’t go anywhere.

So if you have some time to kill, go ahead and give it a read… it’s a relatively breezy, pointless little piece that ends rather suddenly.

More knowledge than any mortal had ever dared to dream existed flooded Visionary’s consciousness. The existence of every atom in the universe was his to contemplate, as was every second of time that had ticked away or was likely to in the future. Every spark of energy that flowed through the universe, changing forms constantly but never quite dispersing, was mapped out across his mind. He was at once all-knowing and all-seeing.

“Ouch! Oh, man!!!… jeezum crow, this hurts!” Visionary said, clutching his temples. He glanced up at the ravens that surrounded him. “Err… no offense, of course. I don’t suppose you’d have any Advil on you?”

The ravens turned to look to Pallas questioningly. “It seems possible that in choosing a replacement our judgment may have been wrong.” the bird sighed remorsefully, “Moreover, methinks this day shall prove to be overly long…”

“Junior Raven, second class, Quoth… reporting for duty, sir!” She had been terrified that she would be dealing with Pallas directly, but instead was relieved to find herself being briefed by the less cosmic, though no less majestic, Nevermore instead.

“This isn’t a military outfit, you know” Nevermore observed with an ironic little smile. (Quite a feat to accomplish with a beak, mind you). “Pallas is already far too attached to his rhymes… we don’t need you developing a quirky speech pattern as well.”

“Yes, sir… sorry, ah… sir.” She answered lamely. This was going downhill fast.

Nevermore chuckled. “Rookies” he sighed to himself. “However, in this case, you’re exactly what the doctor ordered.”

“How so s… uh, how so?” she asked.

“The Chronicler has taken a holiday” he stated bluntly. “And his replacement needs some guidance.”

Quoth was flustered. An advisor to the Chronicler? Even to a temporary one? “I… that is… It would be an honor, sir” she managed, slipping back into the safety of the formal address. “But… my rank… surely someone else is more qualified?”

“Quite.” He agreed. “but the rest of us are far too overqualified, I’m afraid. It seems the new Chronicler is unable to handle the thought-processes that go with the job. He’s going to have to make due with a mortal’s comprehension.”

This simply shocked her. “But… but… is that even possible?”

“We’ll find out” he said with a feathered shrug. “In any event, as the newest among our group, your mind still resembles the mortal mindset most closely. I’m afraid the rest of us have drifted too far out of touch with the way a human would think.”

While this was, at best, a back-handed compliment, she certainly wasn’t going to address it now. “But… Pallas and the others may certainly be a bit more… distant… due to their expanded consciousnesses, but you sir... if you don’t mind my saying so, sir… you’ve always been able to talk to me in a more, uh… comprehensible way. Sir.”

“Touché” he grunted. “But I’ve seen this Chronicler, and I don’t relish the idea of spending the day with him.” He cocked his head at her and gave a broad grin. “And then there’s the simple fact that I outrank you. Delegation of authority… it’s the first lesson any good raven needs to learn.”

“Is that any better?” the raven asked him gently.

“I… I think so.” Visionary replied. The female bird (at least he thought this one was female) had talked him through shutting down his omniscience so that his mind receded back to its normal capacity. With it, the stabbing, worse-than-a-thousand-ice-cream-induced, eyeball-splitting headache receded. “Yes… it’s much better, thank-you.”

He took a moment to study his newly appointed advisor. She was a small raven, smaller than the others, anyway… and somehow a bit less distinguished and majestic looking. Still, her beak looked sufficiently sharp enough that he thought it best not to point this out to her. “Um…” he began, looking curiously at her, “What should I call you?”

“Quoth” she replied with a bob of her head. “Junior Raven, second class” she added. “I’ll be helping you make it through the day. Sir.”

“Right” Visionary said, looking around the study. It was crowded with tomes of all sizes, as well as parchments, scrolls and what looked suspiciously like laptops piled up in the corner. He looked at a large hourglass which was running steadily. “Just the day…”

Qouth hopped up to his shoulder, sinking her talons into his robes. “That’s the deal. Of course, time doesn’t mean the same here as it does back on your world… but with your current consciousness, it shouldn’t seem any longer than 20 odd hours, or so, sir.”

“Okay…” he said, stretching his arms and cracking his knuckles. “That doesn’t sound too bad. So, uh… what do I do?”

“Well, for one, you keep the august Book of Time. I believe the regular Chronicler has taken care of that by writing ahead…” she paused as he flipped open the great book she had indicated.

“What’s this about Oceania? Is that the new seafood joint down on Englehart Drive? And where’s this ‘New Parody City’?” he asked, skimming the pages.

“I believe you’re reading ahead, sir…” she said nervously. “I’m not sure that’s really such a good idea…”

He shrugged, accidentally jarring his avian advisor, and flipped back a ways. “What’s this?” he asked, reading once more. “Broken in half? This can’t be right.” He grabbed some white-out from the desk and started applying it liberally to the page.

The bird on his shoulder strangled a squawk. “Dear lord… what do you think you’re doing?!” she gasped. “You… you… you can’t *erase* the book of time!!!”

“It seems to be working just fine.” Visionary argued. “Besides, this was obviously a mistake. I can’t be broken in half… I’m real.”

“It… you…” the bird stuttered in horror. “The Chronicler doesn’t make… mistakes!” she declared. “The Chronicler is always right!”

“Well… I’m the Chronicler now, aren’t I?” he asked, rewriting the passage, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth in careful concentration. “So this must be the right thing to do.” He leaned back and studied his work. “There, that’s much better. ‘A few broken bones’… that sounds much more believable.” Smiling happily, he looked around the room. “Well, that was fun! What now? Breakfast?”

“The Chronicler doesn’t eat…” Qouth said dazed, staring at the defiled tome. “He… you… don’t need to.”

“Nonsense” Visionary said firmly. “I haven’t had breakfast yet, and I’m starved.” He started pawing through the shelves of the library. “Got any ‘Cocoa Puffs’?”

The Raven glared at him indignantly. “The Chronicler most *certainly* does not eat ‘Cocoa Puffs’!”

Visionary calmly sat down and grabbed a quill. He scanned the text of the book of time, found the present, and carefully wrote in “The Chronicler eats a big bowl of crispity, crunchity, chocolaty ‘Cocoa Puffs’. And a banana” he added as an afterthought. He smiled happily as the described food produced itself. “Hey, this book is pretty handy!” he mumbled through a mouthful of cereal. “What’s next?”

Qouth looked to the hourglass, which hadn’t even drained more than a tiny fraction of the sand away, and sighed. “I suppose the meeting would be…” she decided regretfully.

“Wait…” Visionary said, “What was that middle part again?”

Jury rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. “I was Jarvis’s girlfriend, we were going to get married, but I got run over by a drunk driver and ended up here instead.”

“But…” Visionary said stubbornly for the third time, “Jarvis is dead.”

“He gets better.” She sighed. “Look… we’ve been through this… time doesn’t mean the same thing here as it does in the mortal realm. Jarvis comes back to life in a while, we date, we were going to get married, then I die.”

“So… I’m going to meet you later, when I return to my regular life?”

“No… you weren’t around when I was dating Jarvis, and I died before you came back.” She explained. “Plus, all traces of my life were wiped from existence. Nobody but Jarvis remembers I was even alive.”

“But….” Visionary thought about this. “Ummmm… okay” he finally decided, letting the matter drop. “Maybe we should just move on.”

“Good plan” she agreed quickly. “Now, we’ve got to attend a Council meeting. Nobody there knows that you’re not the real Chronicler besides myself, Pallas, and the Shaper of Worlds. I think it would be best if we kept it that way, so if anyone asks you a question, just say that you’ll have to research it and get back to them.”

“What about Quoth?” he asked, finding that he missed his avian advisor. “Won’t she be there?”

“She’s not allowed to sit in on these meetings… only ranking members of the Council can do so.”

“Oh. Okay.” He paused. “And, uh… the council is….?”

The council was big, that was for sure. Visionary sat at an immense round table between Jury and the Shaper of Worlds. All manner of creatures and beings filled the other chairs, including one or two surprisingly familiar faces.

“Is… is that Yi?” Visionary asked Jury with a nudge and a nod to the Pure Thought Being in question.

Jury looked up from her notes. “Hmmm? Oh, yes” she confirmed. “She’s the delegate from the Happy Place.”

Visionary was just about to go over to strike up a conversation with the odd being he had met on Christmas Eve when the Shaper started yelling into his cellular phone.

“Listen, Bernie… just put Lord Xzymrpht! On already!” he said testily. “Xzy? Listen… I’m not arguing that… I’m not arguing that, Xzy… I’ve got the invoices right here, complete with your signature…”

Visionary noted that all the Shaper had in front of him was a gum wrapper, which he was absently shaping into an origami pterodactyl with his free hand.

“… No No No… It says right here… ‘TEN moons, FIVE rings’… yes, that’s right… and the northernmost continent was to have the largest mountain range.” He shook his head wearily. “Alright, alright… come into my office tomorrow morning and we’ll work something out.” He hung up the phone and threw it to the table in disgust. “Butthead” he growled.

“Um…” Visionary began hesitantly, “Got any more gum?”

“What?” Shaper asked, turning to face him. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“He’s working with a mortal’s comprehension” Jury explained, absently going through her notes. “Lord only knows what he thinks he sees.”

“Ah” the world-builder replied, with a grin. “Let me guess, you still see a conference table, don’t you?”

Visionary looked around the conference room and sighed. “So… that’d be a no then? You don’t have any extra gum?”

The Shaper shook his head and pointed across the table. “Tell me… what do you see over there.”

Visionary looked over to where someone had left something round and slightly fuzzy sitting on the table. “It looks like a Kiwi fruit” he noted, “or maybe a hamster, all curled up.”

“Fruit” Jury said approvingly, “that’s not so bad. At least he’s past the vegetable and mineral stages.”

Shaper nodded. “Perhaps some of the Chronicler’s knowledge rubbed off on his mind.”

“Shouldn’t there be a whole basket? I mean, is that the only thing we have to snack on?” Visionary asked. “One piece of fruit for all of us?”

“Then again, maybe not” Shaper sighed. “Listen, Vizh, that’s not the hors d’oeuvres… that’s the physical manifestation of His Imperial Majesty, Lord Order—Overlord of Parodyversian Creation. He’s one of the highest ranking members of the Council.”

“The Kiwi?”

“Actually” Jury chimed in, “He looks kind of like an armadillo to me. Of course, I’m still new here.” She glanced to Shaper. “How about you?”

“Pygmy marmoset” he answered absently. “You see, he’s nearly impossible to really comprehend, so the mind compensates by filling in the blanks with something more familiar. The more your comprehension grows, the farther along your mental image of him becomes. The same goes with most everything around here… your mind is substituting physical objects for things it can’t quite grasp.”

Visionary wondered briefly if the Cocoa Puffs he had eaten earlier were the physical embodiment of something besides chocolaty goodness, but then the Kiwi coughed politely and the meeting was called to order.

"Well, I didn't understand any of that" Visionary said as the various council members packed their things and prepared to rush off again to do whatever it was they did that kept the universe twirling. (Visionary was fairly certain the universe did, indeed, 'twirl' about through existence… one of the benefits of being exposed to the Chronicler's omniscience he supposed. He would have preferred that the universe spun or rotated or something similarly less silly, but then he really wasn't the one in charge of such things.) "What's all this business with 'The Anniversary'? Why is everyone so concerned about it?"

"Don't worry about it" Shaper said, retrieving his cell phone from the table. "You only have to worry about getting through this day. Leave the rest of the continuum to us." He shook his head. "You know… I nearly busted a gut when Order asked your attendance for the minutes and you answered 'I'll have to research that and get back to you'…"

"Hey!" the temporary Chronicler answered defensively, pointing at Jury, "She told me too!"

Jury covered her wearily smiling face in her hands. "At times like these, I really miss being able to get drunk."

Visionary was about to argue the point when he saw the Happy Place delegate approach them from out of the corner of his eye. "Yi!" he greeted her(?) fondly, "It's good to see you again!"

Yi smiled happily. "Ah, then you are being who I am thinking you are being!" The pure thought delegate looked around. "Where is the true cute-Chronicler being at then?"

Jury chuckled. "He's on vacation, apparently… and you know he hates being called that."

Yi nodded. "I know… but Yo is right about it, none-the-less." Yi turned back to the mortal Legionnaire. "How is Yo-friend?"

"Yo's doing well, although I don't see him as much as I'd like too." Visionary answered honestly. In truth, Yo had been spending more time on his home planet ever since that incident with Lady Entropy. Visionary had noted with a certain satisfaction that her chair at the table was empty. He briefly wondered if carrying a grudge wasn't properly cosmic of him, but decided he only had to look the part on the outside. Somehow, being petty and small was actually reassuring when faced with the enormity of this existence.

"Do not be worrying" Yi reassured him. "You will be seeing him again soon." The odd being turned to Jury. "He is the one, then?"

"Not exactly" she answered.

"The one what?" Visionary asked, hoping he wouldn't regret it.

She chewed her lip, but then apparently decided to answer. "Yi needs something important done… We know you're not the one who's going to do it, but you'll be involved somehow."

"Oh… well, sure, anything I can do to help." Visionary agreed. "But… how do you know I'm not going to be the one?"

"Cause you're not important" Shaper answered, dialing a number on his phone.

"I could be important!" Visionary proclaimed indignantly.

"No… actually, you couldn't" he answered briefly before raising the phone to his ear. "Hey, Glarbtrek! Yeah, I've got a job for you… What do you mean the checks on that last job didn't clear? Trust me… I'm sure I can get that cleared up… Oh, come on… I just need you to relocate a mountain range…"

Visionary scowled. "What's he talking about?"

"A cash flowing problem" Yi answered helpfully.

"Not that! The important thing… about not being important."

Jury looked uncomfortable. "I don't think it's something we should go into right now…" she began hesitantly.

"I think we should!" Visionary proclaimed. So far, in his opinion, being Chronicler sucked.

"I'm sure Quoth is pulling her feathers out waiting for you…" Jury continued. "You have a very full itinerary…"

"Either you tell me what he's talking about or I'll… um…" he looked around desperately for some decent ultimatum. "… or I'll eat the kiwi!!!"

Visionary figured he had hit upon a good one, since Jury went pale as a sheet and even the Shaper stopped his rapid telephone banter. "You *wouldn't*!" she gasped.

"Would too."

She cast a worried glance at the Shaper of Worlds who shrugged and said "It's the physical embodiment of Order… how's it going to hurt?"

"I imagine Lord Order might be a *little* offended at finding himself in the Chronicler's digestive tract, wouldn't you think?" she bit back. "I'd rank that pretty high up the social faux pass chart!!!"

"So tell me!" Visionary pleaded. In truth, the kiwi idea didn't sound all that appetizing to him either…

Post By Visionary Tue Sep 27, 2005 at 10:50:16 pm EDT	Subject Not that they're getting finished, but here's another old story without an ending...

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