Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer via HH
Sun May 28, 2006 at 12:47:13 pm EDT
Subject
Badripoor Soap - an Untold Tales tie-in because nobody demanded it!!!
Originally
#273: Untold Revolutionary Tales of the Lair Legion: Of the People, By the People, For the People
In Reply To

The frightfully long conclusion to the Special Resolution 1066 arc. This issue... somebody dies!
Sat May 27, 2006 at 06:04:35 pm EDT
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[The Scene: The bottle city of Badripoor. You know, they really should market those things. Especially if it ever snows in Badripoor.]

Lindy Wilson, a.k.a. Falconne: Okay. What did you guys do? I step out of the story for one simple shopping trip and we get attacked by Sentinoids, warships, smart bombs, supervillains, and some giant slimy sea-monkey thing.

Uuuuukekele, Princess of the Sea Monkeys: Hey! I’m right here.

Kerry: Which brings up another good point, Why is she right here? Why isn’t she locked in some dungeon cell somewhere?

Lindy: No, time out. Nobody gets locked in any dungeon cell no matter how slimy until we’ve finished the recap. And then I’ll be looking for a good reason about why I got missed out of Untold Tales #271. I mean, even Fetish Lad got in there.

Fetish Lad: Hey! I’m right here too.

Kerry: And again I ask…

Fashion Accessory: No, Lindy’s right. Let’s all focus on the plot summary and then we can get on with insulting the unworthy.

Uuuuukelele: Unworthy? I happen to be princess of the sea monkeys, you know.

FA: Okay sorry. I was wrong. You are totally and completely worthy of insult.

Lindy: The plot? This whole city in a bottle thing?

Kit Kipling, the square-jawed Captain Courageous: Well, actually Miss Wilson, technically it’s not a bottle so much as a bell-shaped forcefield created by the Idiom’s plasmic energy generators and powered through a charge from President Hopkins’ symbiotic fern. Mr Hopkins saved the day by regenerating the power cells with his own bio-organic energies.

spiffy: hey, no need to make fun of me too. Now when Kid Produce and Fetish Lad are here.

Kit: Excuse me, sir? I wasn’t making fun of you. Just showing due respect, mr President-for-Life.

spiffy: Sorry, not with you.

Beverly Campbell, spiffy’s aide-de-camp (or, as Kerry would have it, camp follower): He’s not insulting you, Mark. He’s speaking to you with respect. He’s being polite. You wouldn’t recognise it.

Kerry: Don’t take it personally, spiff. He’s English. He’s polite to everybody, even total losers and morons.

Kid Produce: But also, don’t make fun of a man on the edge when he’s got seriously sharpened fruit.

Glitch: Must – suppress – irony – subroutines…

Harlagaz: So, now we all doth know the plot, let us progress to the whaling of the baddies for the nonce.

Uuuuukelele: I must insist that you do not use pejorative terms like whaling. It’s so un-PC.

Fetish Lad, grinning: You want to hear something else that’s non-PC, your non-nippleness?

Kit: Now hold on, Fetish Lad. We can’t use the n-word in front of ladies.

FA: Because we have no idea what you’re talking about, of course, having never heard the word before.

Glitch: For the record, my nipples unscrew to give access to my primary transformer bus.

FA: That’s pretty much what happens when Kerry dates Danny as well, from what I hear. Nipples, screwing, access…

Kerry: Samantha! Do you really want to die in a blazing pillar of fire? Only that perfume you’re wearing seems awfully flammable.

Ham-Boy: The bad news is, Gaz, that we haven’t actually finished the plot summary yet. Shall I summon up some cold cuts while we’re waiting.

Harlagaz: Mayhap I couldst whomp spiffy?

Banjooooo: Well, it always works for me when I’m bored.

spiffy: You and whose mackerel?

Uuuuukelele: Wait a moment. Daniel, are they saying that you’ve actually been associated with this vulgar Kerry person?

Fetish Lad: I heard they’d been associating like rabbits. * catches Kerry’s glare * From FA. Honestly. Not that I’d ever repeat that to anybody. Except Glitch. And Cody. And maybe Kid Produce.

Kid Produce: As if I could take five minutes off my angsting to actually care.

Harlagaz: I couldst always gnaw off mine own leg…

Glory: Good news everybody. It seems as though we have been rescued. The city that got miniaturised by a freak combination of various superpowers and was found by our former team-mate Hacker Nine appears to have been carried off the battlefield and placed on a shelf somewhere.

Lindy: See? That is how you do a summary. Thank you, Glory.

Danny Lyle: Well, it’s true I did know somebody called Kerry Shepherdson one time. But not as well as I thought I did.

Harlagaz: Ack! By the bristling beard of the Allfather! We have barely got out of the summary and now we hast to have the romantic entanglement sub-plot. Will there be no smiting at all in this story?

Banjooooo: Except for spiffy.

spiffy: I’m still right here.

Fetish Lad: Actually, I think the next plot point we cover should be what the deal is now between Danny and Uuuuukelele. I have some handcuffs you can borrow if it helps. In fact I have cuffs for all kinds of places.

Ham-Boy: You could also smite FL if you like, Gaz. Really.

Kerry: Yes, Danny. I’m sure everybody except me is fascinated to know why you suddenly decided on dating a fish stick with the personality of a prawn cocktail salad.

Uuuuukelele: Perhaps he got tired of skank?

Fetish Lad: And got a taste for tuna? Ouch.

Harlagaz: Mine hand slipped on the grand piano.

Glory: Several times, I see.

Banjooooo: It’s very simple, folks. When there’s a battle royal between, um, sea monkey royals or their champions, the loser goes into servitude to the winner. Danny kind of interfered with the big battle Uuuuukelele and I were having, and accidentally won, so…

Uuuuukelele, sulkily: So now I have to serve Danny for a year and a day.

Danny: This wasn’t my idea. Are there actually any sea monkey laws that aren’t completely stupid?

spiffy: That would be a big no.

Uuuuukelele: You think I want to have to service a repugnant unscaly human?

Glitch: When you say service does this require a manual?

Kit: Service as in do his laundry, I hope. Not as in…

Danny: Why do I keep on ending up with women vowing to service me?

Ham-Boy: Why do you keep complaining about it?

Fetish Lad: Are you going to lend her out? Because when I get out from under this piano…

Harlagaz: * Plays Fairy Bells on the remains of the piano. With his boots. *

Glory: That really is a lovely tune.

Kerry: Oh, you’re just loving this, Danny Lyle. I know you. I know when you’re smirking inside…

FA: Because he’s awake?

Lindy: Okay, so the sea monkey chick has to do Danny. She’s still a step up from Black Princess, right?

Kerry: Black Princess?

Danny: Um… I did mention that I dated Stacy Royale from Young Heckfire for a while before I met you, right Kes?

Ham-Boy: Everybody wait there while I grab some fire extinguishers.

Kid Produce: Run.

Glitch: Oh, this is much better than trying to figure out who took the bottled city and where.

Bev Campbell: Well, if nothing else it’s helping me feel well adjusted.

Fashion Accessory: So that’s what you kids are calling it in Badripoor these days, is it?

Kit: Maybe we should be trying to figure out who took the bottled city and where?

Kerry: No. We should be deciding whether Danny Lyle ignites or explodes. Or maybe both together.

Danny: Yes, bottle city mystery. Top priority I should say. Right now.

Harlagaz: Who doth we whomp?

Fetish Lad: You can stamp on me a bit harder if you want. I’m all tangled in these piano wires.

Lindy: You replaced me with him?

FA: He’s not official.

Kid Produce: Look, while I’ve been brooding I’ve also been detecting. We know Hacker Nine picked up our bottle and wrapped it in his jacket.

Fashion Accessory: Oh, the shame of being seen in a giant anorak covered in Star Trek badges! Will this torment never end?

Kid Produce: And we all know who Hacker Nine works for now, don’t we?

Uuuuukelele: * raises hand * Um, actually I’ve been very busy plotting Banjoooooo’s downfall.

Banjoooooo: And look how well that turned out.

Danny: You really don’t need to service me. Honest. I prefer to live.

Kit Kipling: Zack Zelnitz, Hacker Nine, now works for… the Hooded Hood.

Ham-Boy: You don’t have to do the dramatic pause, you know.

Kit: It only seems respectful. Are you going to miss out the dramatic pause and offend… the Hooded Hood?

HB: Point. Last thing we need to do now is annoy… the Hooded Hood.

Fetish Lad: Plus, it’s just plain fun to say… the Hooded Hood.

spiffy: Don’t worry. If it’s the Hood that got us he’s sure to remember that I was his son before I got retconned not to be because I kind of became possessed by the Parody Master this one time and stopped dad’s plans for universal domination, so… um…

Kerry: Oh, we can go one better than that, spiffs. Can’t we Danny?

Danny: Um…

Glitch: Is this another exciting new revelation? We really need a weekly soap on this.

Kid Produce: If Danny’s not dating Black Empress any more could I get her phone number?

Harlagaz: More developments? Nooooooo!!! Mine brain wilt explode. * whimpers and rocks backwards and forwards *

Kit: What are we missing here? Why should Danny be able to go one better than spiffy?

Danny: Well, have you seen spiffy?

spiffy: That does it. You and me, in the courtyard, right now…!

FA: Wait a minute. I’m working out about the tragic Shepherdson flaw for unsuitable men. That has to be a gypsy curse by the way. Kerry dated spiffy who was the Hooded Hood’s son at the time. Then, later…

Kerry: After spiffy turned out to be a faithless backstabbing slimescum who jumped the first slutty homewrecker he found splayed across his presidential desk…

Bev: Hey. I’m right here, too!

Fetish Lad, hopefully: On the desk?

Lindy: Keep pushing on, FA. We need to get to the end of this somehow!

FA: Well, then Kerry fell for Danny, with all kinds of hilarious consequences. And what if Danny is…

Kit: The new son of… the Hooded Hood!

Everybody: *gasps*

Uuuuukelele: Well that’s more like it. I could just about manage that servitude.

Kerry: *cough*squidslut*cough*

spiffy: Hold on. First this Lyle guy takes Kerry, then he steals the Hood…

Banjooooo: Yeah, he really is like you done right, Mark. It’s scary.

spiffy: Right, that does it. You and me, in the courtyard….

Ham-Boy: Danny is the Hooded Hood’s son? Does that mean we have to fight him?

Kid Produce: I’ve got a piece of kumquat here with his name on it!

Fetish Lad: Really? Because the National Enquirer pays good money for photos of stuff like that.

Kit Kipling: I don’t think we should be exploiting our powers like that for material gain.

Kid Produce: Not a literal named kumquat. A figurative kumquat. The kumquat of bloody vengeance.

Lindy: Oh, the kumquat of vengeance. You should have said so.

Danny: I tremble before the kumquat of vengeance. No, really. I’m shivering inside.

Uuuuukelele: You need me to warm you up?

Kerry: Oh, it any thermal acceleration is needed I’ll be the one providing it. That’s a promise.

Fetish Lad: Do you swear it on the kumquat of bloody vengeance?

Fashion Accessory: Can we move on from the kumquats please?

Harlagaz: Preferably to the smiting. Do I need to smite Danny now?

Kerry: Yes.

Danny: No. We just need to figure out what the Hood wants us for and why he’s brought us to Herringcarp Asylum. Then I have to figure out how to get rid of an unwanted sea monkey princess, the Idiom has to work out how to unshrink us, somebody has to scrape Fetish Lad up and post him back to Vegas, and Kerry has to chill by about a million degrees and realise that the whole universe isn’t about her.

Uuuuukelele: Unwanted?

Fetish Lad: Vegas?

Kerry: Million degrees?

Glory: Oh, dear! I’m sure if we all just took a breath…

spiffy: Oh no. This is it! The end! The dramatically most potent moment for…

The Hooded Hood: Good evening.

Banjoooooo: Oh crap.

Ham-Boy: Gaz, do not try to smite him.

[To be continued. By HH I hope ]


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