Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement slips in a last-minute tie-in to Untold Tales #251
Wed Jan 25, 2006 at 01:20:39 pm EST
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The Intermittent Adventures of the Lair Legion Breakfast Club: Now With Added Recrimination and Interpersonal Insults
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The Intermittent Adventures of the Lair Legion Breakfast Club: Now With Added Recrimination and Interpersonal Insults


It’s breakfast time in the Lair Mansion. Epitome’s just discovered that his ham and eggs has been glued to his plate by CSFB!. Trickshot’s amusing himself by flicking pellets into Yuki’s ear, and shortly Yuki will be amusing herself by hurling him into the bay. From the kitchen. Lisa is washing Kool Whip off her peignoir. Visionary’s still going through applications for new members for the Juniors, and trying to keep the jam off them (the applications, that is; he wouldn’t want to discriminate against Condiment Kid). All in all it’s a typical morning.

Trickshot: “So, have you guys told Mumph yet that you’re right behind him if we kick this SR1066 hero restraint legislation right in the fork? I mean, I know I got my say in good ‘an loud.”

CSFB!: “Aw, he already knows how I feel. No way do I let them Obedience Brand me or my friends. If the LL’s with me to fight that, great. If not, I’m fighting it anyway.”

Mr Epitome: “Allow me to applaud that sentiment as soon as I’ve wrung your scrawny neck like a chicken.”

Lisa: “Wait. If you’re going to fight let me go get some baby oil.”

Visionary: “Keep if off my application forms. This time.”

Yuki: “We’re all going to fight against this registration and branding thing anyhow. It’s a no-brainer. Kind of like Trickshot.”

Just then Josh Clement heads to the breakfast bar. Uhuna’s still sleeping after a long night of farewell chatting. They’re been chatting all night. Like rabbits. Josh needs his protein.

Josh: “You guys are such hypocrites. Pass the Weetabix.”

Epitome: “Hypocrites? I serve my country. I don’t need to apologise for that to a former mutate terrorist.”

Josh: “Sure you’re hypocrites. You want to oppose the government taking away your freedoms? You don’t think it’s legal that they arrest you and force you to be under their control? You think it’s undemocratic, a major breech of human rights? Well where were you when the Mutate Regulation Act got passed, guys? Why weren’t you plotting to overthrow the government when it was mutates being marched off to camps?”

CSFB!: “We don’t want to overthrow the government. Well, we do, given the morons in office, but we’re just going to settle for a really serious pantsing of the government.”

Yuki: “The Mutate Regulation Act just made mutates register their powers, and identified those who might be a serious threat to public safety. And the ones with costumes too stupid to be allowed.”

Josh: “And compelled the dangerous process of removal of those powers if deemed necessary, despite the 40% casualty rate. And forced mutates to go on a national register to be monitored and contained and spied upon and drafted. But apart from Vizh on a protest march when he was getting some from my sister and one of CSFB!’s big on-camera outbursts I didn’t see any of you doing much about that human ethics issue. But now that they’re coming after you…”

“That’s not fair,” complains Vizh. “I’d have got some from your sister whether I went on the march or not.”

Epitome: “There’s a difference because we know this SR1066 stuff is being pushed through using coercion of voting representatives. That means it is an illegal order. We have a duty to stop it, just as we had a duty to uphold the Mutate Registration Act because it had been enacted according to the will of the people.”

Josh: “I thought the idea of your constitution was to protect the minorities from the majority when it had to? If the will of the majority of the people is always sovereign then I’d still be sitting at the back of the bus, on my way to pick cotton. Instead of standing here telling you your head is stuck up your ass.”

CSFB!: “In fairness to Josh, he does have a point. Your head is pretty far up your own ass, Epitome.”

Vizh: “It’s not like we had sex at the actual protest marches. Not every time.”

Yuki: “Nobody’s saying the way mutates were treated was right, Josh. Or the way that robo-Americans don’t have the same right as organic citizens. But we have to draw a line somewhere and take a stand. This could be it. All except for Trickshot, and he’ll be taking a stand somewhere in the mid-Atlantic if he doesn’t quick with the spitballs.”

Josh: “My opinion. You guys should be consistent. If you upheld the law against mutates, you should uphold this law. You should go get yourselves Obedience Branded. I mean, it’s not like you used your freedom of choice to oppose oppressive government legislation anyway, is it? You can’t be the Untouchables one day and Robin Hood the next.”

CSFB!: “I can.”

Trickshot: “Hey, if anyone’s being Robin Hood it’s gonna be me, okay? I got the outfit.”

Yuki: “Even the tights.”

Lisa: “You’re making a good point, Josh. I guess it does take a while for people to wake up to what’s happening. They take our freedoms slice by slice, and one day we wake up with nothing left. If there’s one thing your time in the LL should have taught us it’s that we have to stand up for human rights and do what we have to, even if it makes us unpopular. Even if we have to remind people of the law.”

Yuki: “Er, the law says that…”

Lisa: “There are higher laws. Trust me on this. Some things can’t be changed by what they write on paper. Some things are absolute.”

Yuki: “Like Trickshot being a moron.”

CSFB!: “And Epitome’s head position.”

Josh: “And freedom being worth nothing if it’s at the cost of other people’s freedom.” He takes a bit of his wheaties. “If you really want my time with you to have meant something then it’s this - You fight for freedom, you fight for everybody. You fight this thing, you fight for the mutates too, and for the robots, and for the, the Hippopotamus People, and the Abhumans, and the voleoids, and the Sea Monkeys, and the Caphans, and whatever that big hairy thing that Lisette’s dating is.”

Trickshot: “Hey, we only got together once, at the Christmas bash last year…”

Vizh: “The Legion does stand up for all those beings. Well, except maybe the big hairy thing. Or we should.”

Josh: “Then get in there and tell Mumph about it, okay? And pass the coffee pot.”

CSFB!: “And some kind of lever to try and pry Epitome’s head loose.”

Epitome: “One of these days, Alice…”





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