The Daily Trombone
December 16, 2006
Page 1
Copyright The Daily Trombone 2006
EARTH LEADER WILTON STIFFS GRANDAUGHTER
By J. Jonah Jerkson, Editor
Exclusive: Sir Mumphrey Wilton, the self-appointed leader of Earth’s war against the Parody Master, has neglected his only granddaughter, leaving her in an isolated, exclusive girls’ boarding school while spending his days at the Lair Mansion’s luxurious leader’s suite pretending to direct the armed forces of Earth.
[picture of Sir Mumphrey in Horse Guards uniform]
Sir Mumphrey Wilton, taken
yesterday at the CrazySugarFreak wedding
Sir Mumphrey, whose most notable action in the Parody War was the disproportionate and ruthless atomic attack on the entire nation of France, has applied in London’s High Court of Justice for custody of his granddaughter, orphaned after rogue operatives in the Parody Branding Scandal kidnapped Samantha Featherstone and her parents Algernon and Felicity and brutally eviscerated her parents. . . .
An official and confidential British courts report on Sir Mumphrey’s callous neglect of his orphaned granddaughter and his wastrel son Roland was obtained exclusively by the Daily Trombone. . . .
IN THE HIGH COURT OF JUSTICE
CHANCERY DIVISION
In re Applications for custody of Samantha M. Featherstone, Orphan
Before Amplebottom, J.
Report and recommendations of Blivet, R., Standing Master for custody cases, HMCS.
Samantha M. Featherstone is a 13-year old U.K. subject, born Spoonbury, Surrey, England on May 7, 1993, National Insurance Number [omitted for privacy].
Her parents were Algernon (Jinks) Featherstone and Felicity Featherstone nee’ Wilton. Samantha is an only child, educated privately at schools in Surrey until September 2006, when she began studies and boarded at St. Muriel’s Academy for Upright Girls in Timbly-on-the-Wold, Rutlandshire. Her mother’s family has a long connexion with that institution. Since birth Samantha has also been cared for by her nanny, Nanny Chastity Greenwood. The family resided at The Grovelings, Spoonbury, Surrey. A detailed survey of her home environment and upbringing is contained in Schedule A.
As detailed in Schedule B to this report [omitted], in April 2006 both of Samantha’s parents were killed in particularly gruesome and traumatic circumstances by a Mr. Erskine Black, current whereabouts unknown. (There is a pending order for his remand to HM Prison for Extraordinary Offenders Rockall.) Samantha was herself kidnapped and forced to observe the torture and execution of her parents as outlined in Schedule B and was threatened with death herself. She survived with the aid of Nanny Greenwood’s protection and escaped as the result of a rescue operation mounted by her grandfather, Sir Mumphrey Wilton.
Temporary custody of Samantha’s property and person was granted to Sir Mumphrey by order of Musty, J., duty judge for the Chancery Division, on April 30, 2006, Docket CD – Urgent 06-03439 (Lond.). She and Nanny Greenwood removed to Wilton Manor, Sir Mumphrey’s seat in Wiltshire. Psychological counseling for Samantha was mandated in the order in light of the gruesome and traumatic circumstances surrounding the demise of her parents. Samantha, however, attended only one session and stormed out of the treatment centre after only 15 minutes. See the statement of Edgar Madderduck, Ph.D. (Cantab.)(Clin. Psych.) attached as Schedule C to this report. In an interview with the undersigned on August 22, 2006 at my offices, Samantha explained her behaviour as follows: 'Well, he's just a complete doodyhead.' When I asked what that word meant and where it had come from she muttered 'a seal' and made no further comment.
Three applications for custody of Samantha’s person and estate have been lodged with the Clerk of the Chancery Division.
The first is that of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, KBE GCB GCMG CGVO FRS, Samantha’s maternal grandfather. Sir Mumphrey is currently well-known as the chief of Earth’s defences against the Parody Master’s attack and is currently engaged nearly continually in that effort. He has also been a consultant to the Ministry of Defence and the Foreign and Commonwealth Office for many years and is the majority stockholder and executive chairman of Wilton Industries, the well-established import/export firm specializing in timekeeping equipment and munitions.
Sir Mumphrey is approximately 80 years old, according to the Wilton Industries website, but he refused to supply definitive information to the undersigned,. Sir Mumphrey was married some time in the 1940's to Lady Marjorie Wilton; two children, the applicant Roland and the deceased Felicity, were born to that marriage. Lady Marjorie died in 1999. Sir Mumphrey refused an interview with the HMCS psychologist, citing lack of time and a general distrust of 'those trickcyclists.' Sir Mumphrey is understandably pressed for time and at our last interview, appeared to have aged considerably in less than one month's time. He appeared arthritic, exhausted and irritable in the extreme.
Nevertheless, Samantha and her grandfather appear to have a relationship of mutual respect and affection. Transcripts of several interviews with her are found in Schedule D to this report. I found this quite incongruous. While Sir Mumphrey came of age in the 1940's, his mannerisms and idioms are those of almost a full century earlier. After only a few minutes with him in his study in Parodiopolis , I had the feeling that I had been catapulted back into the world of Tom Brown's Schooldays, discussing 'cads,' 'smiting evildoers,' 'bounders' and 'hitting for six.' Further, Sir Mumphrey has had very limited contact with Samantha, having seen her only once or twice a year at Wilton Manor at Christmas or Easter, and once for about 36 hours in an impromptu lightning visit to him in Parodiopolis in August 2005 (which visit, removing Samantha from the U.K. without parental authorization while her parents were skiing in the Engadine, created a rift between him and Mr. Featherstone that Samantha appears to exploit). Indeed, since rescuing his granddaughter in April, Sir Mumphrey has not seen her at all and his contact with her has been limited to two telephone calls and occasional brief communications with Nanny Greenwood.
The second application is that of Roland Wilton, only son of Sir Mumphrey Wilton and brother of Samantha’s deceased mother Felicity. Roland Wilton, after leaving Oxford early, spent a number of years in what might be called active ennui in London, St. Moritz, the British Virgin Islands, Nepal and Mexico before undertaking movie production in Hollywood. His three films, Bikini Fast Food Hut, Twilight of the Jurassic Zombies and Baron Otto and the Temple of Doom have achieved a limited distribution, a far more limited critical audience and very modest financial success. His current residence is a one-bedroom flat in a complex catering to unmarried 'members of the cinema community' in Century City, Los Angeles. Details as to his lifestyle and current finances are included in Schedule E. As mentioned therein, aside from his precarious circumstances, telephonic interviews with his current associates uniformly mention Mr. Wilton’s desire for a 'big score' and his hopes for access to capital in the role of guardian. A psychological evaluation of his fitness by Fritz Verblundget, M.D., (Vienna) (Psychiatry), (Ph.D.)(Neurob.)(Oxon.), FRCP, FRCPh, MVO, is attached as Schedule F. Dr. Verblundget’s summary of Mr. Wilton’s psychological disposition is 'A classic narcissist whose condition is exacerbated by feelings of inferiority to his accomplished father. Mr. Wilton is characterised by inadequate impulse control, hedonism, an almost autistic inability to achieve empathy with others and an a complete inability to understand children. The only comparable instances that I have seen of such emotional incapacity occurred in the Royal Family.'
Mr. Wilton is unmarried, has had no children, and is not in a continuing relationship at this time, although he admits to a changing number of liaisons with members of the Hollywood actress, stunt woman, studio and adult entertainment communities.
In an interview with Samantha I enquired as to her perceptions of her uncle Roland. However, her only response was a spontaneous 'Ewwww,' at my first mention of his name. She refused any further comment, stating only after numerous attempts on my part to obtain information as to any contact between them that 'Nanny told me that if one cannot say anything nice about a person that one should say nothing at all.'
When asked what his qualifications were as guardian of the person, Mr. Wilton explained that although he had not seen Samantha in over eight years and his last contact with her was a five second kiss at her fourth birthday party, he was the logical guardian because 'I'm the only one in this entire stuffy family that has any appreciation of modern life.'
The remaining application is that of Sir Guthrie Featherstone and his wife Lady Marigold Featherstone. Sir Guthrie is the brother of Samantha’s deceased father Algernon and is the only next-of-kin of that family. He is a puisne judge of the High Court sitting in London. Lady Marigold Featherstone, nee’ Famersham, is the daughter of an old, distinguished Norfolk family and attended Mrs. Beaton's School. They have no children. They reside at ‘The Beeches,’ Walthamstowe.
An assessment of their social and financial advantages is attached as Schedule G to this report. Both Sir Guthrie and Lady Marigold interviewed with Dr. Verblundget, whose detailed evaluation is attached as Schedule H to this report. In summary, Dr. Verrblundget reports that 'Sir Guthrie is an estimable individual with strong motivations to "do the right thing”. He is prudent, kind, restrained, reticent, proper and stable. His mission in life, in his own words, is “not to do anything that would blacken my record.”’ I can think of no more appropriate father for a young person. Lady Marigold is equally conventional. Her major activity is chairing the Ladies Campaign for Charities (Medical) and also is a member of the boards of the Mayberry Hunt, the Interior Architecture Association and the Royal Fashion Institute.
Samantha has visited her uncle and aunt on a regular basis, normally at or around Easter, Boxing Day and a bank holiday. When asked about her experiences, she stated, ‘It was always very nice and very proper. Uncle Guthrie always was surprised at how much I’d grown and Aunt Marigold always complimented me on my hairstyle and suggested that I should stop dressing like a tomboy. And then they’d go off with Mummy and Daddy and I’d find a place in the corner of the salon and wait until I could sneak out to Nanny.” Sir Guthrie and Lady Marigold stated that they enjoyed her visits but that due to the high level of family interaction they could not recall any particular activities in which they engaged.
Samuel Ballard, QC, has been appointed guardian ad litem for the interests of Samantha and has stated that he has no objection to the appointment of Sir Guthrie and Lady Marigold but that he would have to consider any other appointment at great length. His advice is attached as Schedule H to this report. It should be noted that when Sir Guthrie was appointed to the bench, Mr. Ballard entered Sir Guthrie’s former barrister’s chambers and became head of chambers. Both Sir Guthrie and Mr. Ballard represent that there is no continuing community of interest that would require a change of guardian ad litem.
Accordingly, the undersigned recommends that the best interests of the child indicate that custody and guardianship be granted to Sir Guthrie and Lady Marigold Featherstone.
Notes for our American readers:
HMCS – Her Majesty's Court Service.
(Cantab.) –Cambridge University
(Oxon.) – Oxford University
QC – Queens Counsel, a title granted to leading barristers
Puisne judge – A judge who is not a chief judge.
The script of Baron Otto and the Temple of Doom is found at The Baroness, Part 26.
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* Scandalous! [Spoilers] - killer shrike has a feeling that when Mumph gets through with JJJ he'll be able to carry his teeth around in a baggie - Sat Dec 16, 2006 at 01:30:23 pm EST
