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J. Jonah Jerkson
Tue Dec 19, 2006 at 09:39:29 pm EST
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More proceedings in the Chancery Division
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IN THE HIGH COURT OF JUSTICE
CHANCERY DIVISION


APPLICATION EX PARTE FOR WRIT OF NE EXEAT REGNUM

In re Custody of Samantha M. Featherstone, Orphan

Report of oral application in Chambers before Amplebottom, J., by Charles P. Wriothsley, court stenographer

Appearing as guardian ad litem: Samuel Ballard, Q.C., assisted by Nasruddin Sirdar Khan, Four Equity Court, London WC1.


Tuesday, December 19, 4:15 p.m.

MR BALLARD: Fred, I mean, my lord, I appear before you this evening in some haste to apply for a writ of ne exeat regnum. My junior, Mr Khan, assists me.

THE COURT: Sam, what the devil is so blasted urgent that you have to drag me away from my car and hustle me back to my Chambers? The club’s serving Christmas goose and the good port this evening. And they’re having the little cheesy bits during cocktails.

MR BALLARD: Begging your lordship's pardon, but it's the Featherstone guardianship again.

THE COURT: Blivet's report should put paid to that, right? Just a matter of having that hearing next month. So why are you here less than a week before Christmas? Need some refreshers, old boy?

MR BALLARD: Your lordship's concern for the state of my practice is appreciated, but I must humbly represent that my application is not motivated in any respect by my monetary condition. As the learned and astute jurist you are, you understand that my sole motivation for seeking audience --

MR KHAN (softly): Soapy Sam is out of the gate.

MR BALLARD: I beg your pardon. Whatever that was, my lord, juniors are to be seen and not heard. As I was saying, my lord, I appear today not as an advocate, but rather as a dispassionate adviser to your lordship respectfully and cautiously suggesting what your lordship might after due consideration consider to be the best interests of the child.

THE COURT: Sam?

[A pause]

THE COURT: Counsel?

MR BALLARD: Yes, my lord?

THE COURT: Sam, it's the 21st Century. You don't have to address me as if you were the junior footman expecting a thrashing for disrespect from the lord of the manor.

MR BALLARD: As your lordship pleases.

THE COURT: Now what's this about a writ of nay exit ringworm? . . . Thank you, Willard, I meant ne exeat regnum. Sounds like something out of Henry VIII and the monasteries.

MR BALLARD: We are infinitely obliged for your lordship’s clerk’s assistance on the Latin pronunciation. As I am sure that your lordship remembers, a writ of ne exeat regnum is used in civil cases to prohibit a party from leaving Her Majesty’s realms to defeat the ends of justice. We beg leave to obtain such a writ to prevent the removal of Miss Featherstone from the United Kingdom.

THE COURT: What’s that, Willard? . . . Ahem. But Sam, don’t the precedents require probable cause, er, Willard? . . . that’s right, that there will be irreparable harm if she leaves the realm?

MR BALLARD: My lord, we have reason to believe that Sir Mumphrey Wilton may have her taken to America for the Christmas holiday. And Sir Mumphrey has been acting in a hostile manner with regard to these proceedings. If your lordship will be so kind as to examine the appendix to our application.

THE COURT: Let the record show that I have examined the appendix, which appears to be an article from, good Lord, a newspaper named the “Daily Trombone,” from Parodiopolis. The article purports to quote Sir Mumphrey Wilton as accusing the publisher of being a, quote ‘Damn-blasted whey-faced rat-moustached blithering insolent maundering poltroon!’ end quote. Hmm. Hmm. Scandalous article. Sam, you’re not entering this for the truth of the description, are you? As much as I sympathize with Sir Mumphrey, it’s hearsay.

MR BALLARD: Of course not, my lord. I offer it merely to establish Sir Mumphrey’s state of mind.

THE COURT: Then it’s not helping you much. He seems quite rational. But Sam, I don’t understand your argument. Sir Mumphrey has every right to have Miss Featherstone come to see him – he has custody of her person.

MR BALLARD: Erm. Ullgh. Your lordship shows his continuing powers of fine discrimination. Hummada-hummada. Ah! But I humbly suggest, er, well, that it would give Sir Mumphrey an undue and, yes, irreparable advantage in the consideration of permanent custody. Irreparable. Definitely irreparable.

THE COURT: Sam, last week you and Blivet complained that Sir Mumphrey was not spending enough time with his ward. Now you are complaining that he will be spending too much time with her. A bit contradictory, isn’t it?

MR BALLARD: Um, um, um. There’s a danger, my lord. I mean, someone told me, er, confidentially of course, that is.

THE COURT: Well, if that’s all you have, I think I’ll have to deny the application. Willard, call the steward and tell him I’ll be in time to dress up as Father Christmas.

MR KHAN: Sir, as my senior so concisely explained a moment ago, there is a danger.

MR BALLARD: Sit down, Khan. You’re spoiling my argument. Your lordship will kindly excuse the presumption of my junior.

MR KHAN: But judge, if Sir Mumphrey takes Miss Featherstone to America, the American courts will claim jurisdiction. You are aware, of course, of the peculiar and protracted proceedings in those courts. Especially Parodiopolis, where all kinds of irrational judgments occur. Once Miss Featherstone sets foot there, all sorts of miscarriages of justice could occur, with no means of getting her back to this country for a fair comparison of all the applicants. Can you imagine Sir Guthrie, a High Court judge like yourself, having to testify in Parodiopolis before one of their judges and be cross-examined by those /attorneys/?

MR BALLARD: Thank you, Khan, for recapitulating my submission to his lordship. Next time, perhaps, you will follow my example and be concise. Yes, my lord, there is a danger of losing jurisdiction to a tribunal that, well, just isn’t ours, what, Khan? . . . Fine. That would have adventitous jurisdiction over the matter merely because of the transitory presence of the ward away from England.

THE COURT: That’s enough. It’s clear that we have to protect Miss Featherstone from an unwarranted conflict of jurisdictions. Willard, take this down. The application of Mr Ballard for a writ of ne exeat whatever is granted and the writ will take immediate effect subject to service on the ward. Service to be made on Sir Mumphrey's solicitor as well. Arguments on modifying or quashing the writ will be heard, when do we have an order date, Willard . . . on January 16, 2007. So ordered, court adjourned. Good, now let’s get to the car and on to the club.

MR HORACE RUMPOLE: Pant, pant. Begging your lordship’s pardon, but I understand an ex parte application is about to be made with regard to a Miss Samantha Featherstone?

THE COURT: Rumpole, what are /you/ doing here?

MR RUMPOLE: I’ve been briefed on behalf of Miss Featherstone to oppose this gross infringement on her rights as an Englishwoman.

MR BALLARD: Too late, Rumpole. His lordship has already ruled. You can take it up on order day in about a month.

THE COURT: That’s right, Rumpole. Besides, you haven’t entered an appearance. Now come on, out of the way, I’m late for the club.

[End of proceedings]


Notes:

Ex parte An emergency application where the court hears only the proponent.

Refresher: the daily fee paid to a barrister arguing in court.

Junior: a barrister who is not a queen's counsel; if a Q.C. appears, the junior generally takes notes.

Quash: to invalidate a writ.

Writ: a court order beginning a proceeding or ordering a person to take action.

Horace Rumpole, Samuel Ballard, Q.C. and Sir Guthrie Featherstone are characters created by John Mortimer and are lovingly parodied here. No rights in those characters are claimed by me.


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