“So… is this part of the plan?” Hallie asked with a deceptively mild tone as she swung gently back and forth, suspended from her ankles. The glint in her eyes was much more telling, assuming one could tear one’s eyes off of her efforts to keep her miniscule garment decent despite the new directional pull of gravity. “Just curious, Mr. I’ll handle this.”
“We may have deviated a bit…” Visionary allowed, lashed to the trunk of the great tree by scores of thick, clinging vines. “You know, they say the ability to improvise is the real measure of a strategy. Some of the greatest leaders in history approached the problems they would overcome in a very, um…”
“Half-assed way?” she supplied.
“I was going to go for “flexible manner”, myself.”
“And considering that you couldn’t touch your own toes without a foot-long stick…” Fleabot grumbled from where he lay entrapped from the neck down in flowing amber sap. “…Which do you think better applies to you?”
“Quiet, all of you!” the head dryad ordered, thumping her staff on the thick branches of the giant oak. “You stand accused of entering our sacred grove under false pretenses! Impersonating a satyr is a serious offense.”
“It’s just a furry loincloth!” Visionary argued. “Well, and some boots… Either way, I don’t have goat legs!”
“Goats have more attractive knees” Fleabot agreed.
“If you were not attempting a disguise as Volup’tua says, then why the suspiciously immature horns upon your brow?” charged another of the curvaceous woodland nymphs.
“They’re just bumps!” the Regular cried in earnest. “There’s nothing suspicious about it… I got them when I bounced off some branches after, um… leaping out of the Baba’s, er, running… house.” He looked up to the skeptical faces that surrounded them in the branches above. “It had surprisingly tall chicken legs.” he added lamely.
“I told you to roll when you hit the ground” Hallie observed, not unkindly.
“I smacked face first into a tree halfway down.”
“Nue’bile’s tree” Volup’tua observed with a stern look on her perfect face. “No doubt you know that when the pollination season reaches its zenith, the satyrs come and butt their heads against the trees, summoning the ripened dryads to night after night of fervid… rituals. Did you think you were the first mortal to try and… and…” she searched for the right word.
“Horn in?” Fleabot suggested.
“Yes, thank you… Horn in on the frenzied desires of my sisters and I?” She sniffed. “I have heard from dryads whose trees grow in the palace courtyard. I know how you city mortals operate.”
“Where is poor, overripe Nue’bile anyway?” a willowy dryad asked.
“She was too flustered from her disappointment to join us. She is searching the other, hunched male for enchantments of concealment” another answered. “She called out from behind the thicket that she would need a great deal more time, as that mortal apparently had quite a bit concealed in his hose.”
“Ugh.” Hallie sighed. “As if I wasn’t nauseous enough from hanging upside down.”
“What of that one?” the willowy creature cried, pointing to where Hallie swayed. “Just what kind of nymph would help these mortals against her sisters?”
“P’erkki asks a valid question…” Volup’tua observed, rapping Hallie’s rump with her staff. “Your skin is as green as spring itself, but if you were any type of dryad, you’d have entwined with the Oak to escape your bonds by now.”
“I am not a nymph!” the AI woman growled back through clenched teeth.
“Really? So then there are no worrisome customs of sisterhood prohibiting us from feeding you and your party to a pack of wild boars?”
“Um… what if she’s willing to learn the nymph thing?” Fleabot asked hurriedly. “I mean, honestly… if you really want her to entwine with something as stiff and dull as a tree, you probably just have to wrap it in a flag costume and dunk her in a pool….”
While Hallie shot the mechanical pest a glare, there was a gasp from higher above as one of the graceful figures quickly whispered in the ear of a compatriot.
“Buc’somme?” the leader asked with authority. “Is there something you’d like to share with the rest of the grove?”
Buc’somme blushed a pretty autumn orange. “Well, I was just saying to Giggli that, if she needs a pool, maybe… she’s as green as the sea?”
Excited chatter broke out all along the branches of the great oak at this possibility.
“I have heard it said that the sea can be green…” Volup’tua noted, narrowing her eyes. “But is it possible that a naiad born of the ocean could make her way this far inland?”
“A what now?” Visionary asked.
“A siren… a sea-nymph so desirable as to be able to lure mortal men to their doom with song.”
“Um, before she answers, is there possibly a sisterly restriction on feeding a siren and her friends to crazed woodland pigs?” Visionary asked with a somewhat forced tone of casual interest.
“Of course.”
“Definitely a naiad” Fleabot and Visionary confirmed in unison.
Hallie choked indignantly. “Hey!”
“Did you see the pigs in Hannibal?” Visionary pressed. “I don’t think we want any part of that.”
“Nue’bile!” Volup’tua called as another of the dryads appeared at the base of the tree, leading a bound Flapjack by a vine around his neck and securing him to the trunk. “We are deciding what to do with these trespassers. What did you discover about that one? Is it a misshapen satyr, or a mundane mortal?”
“After careful consideration, it seems various parts of him may be… animal… after all” the overripe nymph replied. “If I could have some time to run a few more tests…”
“I’m willing, as long as the rest of the gang doesn’t mind waiting around a while longer” Flapjack leered.
“Yeah, don’t mind us, we’re just peachy” answered Fleabot darkly. “Do you know how long it takes to clean sap out of clockwork?.”
The hunchback looked over his fellow captives. “Did I miss anything juicy?”
“Hallie’s a naiad” Visionary informed him quickly, with a pleading look to the swinging green woman. “Isn’t that right?”
“Grrrr…”
“Ah, a water-nymph… Nice” Flapjack approved. “You know, fun fact… When the Spanish were exploring Florida, that’s what they thought the manatees were.”
Hallie suddenly stopped swaying. “Is someone suggesting that I could be… mistaken… for a… a… sea cow?”
“Um…” Visionary noted uneasily, turning to Volup’tua. “So, the pigs… Are they quick about it, or are they nibblers?”
The dryad just smiled at him. “I think Nue’bile is right…” she said, reaching down to tickle him under his chin. “I think some more tests might be in order…”
“No hard feelings I hope, sister siren” Volup’tua offered clinically while helping Hallie down from the tree. The rest of the dryads had wandered off into the woods, casting glances and giggles back to the still-bound males as they went. “You know, the seductive powers of your kind are really quite legendary…”
Hallie pried Fleabot out of the amber while looking at the nymph warily. “I do all right.”
“The naiads of the forest spring… they tell tales of entire shiploads of mortals crashing themselves against the rocks in an effort to reach the arms of the sea-nymphs. They say that men knowingly allow the breath to be flooded from their lungs to press their lips against the slippery, shimmering beauties of the deep.”
“Do they ever mention them wearing Spongebob bathing caps or nose plugs?” Fleabot asked mildly as he scrubbed himself with dirt to remove the excess sap.
“Here… let me help” Hallie offered, stomping on him and grinding her foot into the forest floor.
“In fact…” Volup’tua stopped and turned to face the tree, ignoring the interruption. Her expression was of an exaggerated pout, and she ran her fingers along Visionary’s shoulder pads. “The naiads of the spring say that the siren’s seductive powers put our own to shame... That our perfumes and physical enticements cannot compete with the ethereal offers of the siren’s song.”
“Er… you do smell very nice…” Visionary offered nervously, obviously not comfortable with where this was heading. “But, see, there are certain kinds of adventures I gave up just before my daughter was born, and I…”
“And so, here is the test I propose…” the dryad smiled sweetly, her hair sprouting a laurel of ivy and blossoms. “You are now downwind from our sacred grove, and free to untie your men and go on your way. This path will lead you to the King’s road between the pixie city of Toowoomba and the Province of the Loving Sheep.” Her body blossomed in more ways than one as she spoke, and the air grew heady with the aroma of lush flowers. “All you have to do is free them and walk away. Of course, should your party succumb to our enticements and come to the grove instead, we will use your mortal men to fulfill our own needs until there’s nothing useful left of them. And I’d suggest you hurry them into making a decision one way or the other, as the boars will be out hunting soon.”
“Vizh? Flapjack?” Hallie prodded them, alarmed by the growing glassiness to their eyes.
“Of course, sister… if you can’t entice or satiate them enough to walk away, then you’re obviously not what you say you are. Or your reputation is overblown by far. Either way, should you personally fail our little test, you’ll be used to water our gardens… naiad or not.” She blew a kiss of dandelion seeds towards the two men and then sauntered back down the forest path. “Won’t this be fun?” she called out just before she was literally swallowed by the woods.
“They seemed nice…” Visionary noted in a daze.
“Friendly sort” the hunchback agreed, drool running down his chin. “Did you get a load of the buds on that Buc’somme?
“They want to feed you to some ravening boar!” Hallie told them harshly. “What the hell is wrong with you? Does that really sound like a fun date?”
“I’ve had worse…” Visionary argued dreamily as his eyes half closed.
“Beats having to sit through a chick flick…” Flapjack noted.
“Gah! Fleabot, help!”
The sticky ball of dirt at her feet coughed and sputtered as he came uncovered. “You know, between you and clone girl, it’s a wonder I still…” he paused as he caught sight of the others straining to break their bonds. “Wait… what did I miss?”
“I… they… she…” Hallie pointed an accusing finger at the others. “They’re being idiots!” She tried to hold Vizh steady as he pulled on his binds. “I think that veggie-witch made them lust-crazed with a spell just so that she could prove that she could out-skank a siren!”
“Are you sure? Because with these two, it doesn’t necessarily take a spell…”
“Fleabot!” the AI yelled in frustration.
“Okay, right…” the little robot replied. “Did she give you any ideas on how to break the spell?”
“I’m supposed to sing the guys away by being more enticing!” she growled, holding the now mindless Vizh back against the tree. “Whose stupid idea was this whole siren thing anyway? I can’t sing, especially after that production Miiri put on in the tavern! How am I supposed to make the guys lose interest in a garden full of spirited nymphs with melons the size of…”
“Wait, that’s it!” Fleabot interrupted. “If you can’t break their spirits from being willing, then… well, you’ll just have to make their flesh weak.”
Hallie stiffened. “Wait… What?! Surely you don’t expect me to…” she blinked. “Both of them?”
“It’s an emergency… sometimes you have… to take the options that… you’re…given… Oh… c… cr… cra… p…………….” The little robot twitched one last time before his spring ran down and his sap covered gears ground to a halt.
“Fleabot? Fleabot!?” Hallie called, shoving back against the struggling Regular who was close to freeing one hand. “This is not what I signed on for!” she argued vehemently. She looked to her mindless friend, who was now acting purely on instinct as he tried to get free and find his way to the imagined comforts waiting for him at the dryad’s sacred grove. “Dammit, Vizh… This isn’t how I wanted to do things…” she sighed, pressing up against him. She felt his body react, and his struggling became much less urgent as his lungs inhaled deeply, pulling in the scent of her hair and chasing out the perfumes of the forest. “I hate to see you like this… both of you. I hope you’ll forgive me when you come back to your senses and see that I really had no choice…”
She reached up and entwined her fingers in his hair, bringing her face up close to his.
And then she kneed him between the legs as hard as she could.
“I really think… I can’t smell… the perfumes any more…” Visionary gasped, as he lay on his side.
“Hmmmm…” the green-skinned AI replied, looking back down the forest path. “I think we should keep pressing on anyway until we reach the King’s road, just to be safe.” She gave a concerned look to the two men who had collapsed into a fetal position again. “I don’t suppose either of you can walk yet?”
“I’m happy to crawl some more.” Flapjack noted with a smile from a face that was made even less attractive by the sickly color and sweat coating it. “Although I might want to throw up one more time first.”
“Right… sorry. Just… sorry” she said for the 50th time since they had regained their senses. On the plus side, neither of them had any functional desires to fall victim to… and it seemed that could very well be the case for a while. “I, uh, had better scout ahead and see if I can find the road. Fleabot, you’ll call if I need to… um…” she made a slight kicking gesture.
“Yeah, I think you’re safe” the rewound robot noted. “It’s not going to take much of a sprinter to run either of these guys down should they make a break for it.”
Hallie nodded and with one hesitant, apologetic pat on each of their shoulders, flitted past them and into the brush up ahead.
“Sweet girl” Visionary whimpered, curled up into a ball.
“She’s a keeper” Flapjack agreed with a groan.
“And she’s got real talent for improvising” Fleabot noted.
The Regular nodded. “Maybe adequate planning before jumping into a situation is the more sound strategy after all” he decided.
“Probably a good idea” Fleabot interjected encouragingly, “…Of course, on the plus side for you, I hear she’s got a thing for eunuchs…”
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